SR input really needed!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think you have reason to be apprehensive about meeting him face to face. I agree with the others, you are not in a place with your own recovery to handle being manipulated and encouraged to go on "hope" alone that he's changed much in these short 2 months.
Remind yourself that he is the one telling you about his recovery and his meetings. What do you suppose was the reason he told you he wanted to drink but did then did all the correct things not to.....hummm see how good he is! See how he's embraced his recovery! I'm some what jaded with these kind of early recovery stories as my ex was always patting himself on the back with how good he was doing - when he was not!
As for AA and the steps correcting cheating behavior I'm not so sure about that. It seems that cheating is part of his history and we can't always blame all the negative behaviors on the booze. If his reason for cheating has been the booze or being alone then what's the solution if the booze is taken away, for him to never be alone?
I would keep re-thinking meeting up with him at this point in time. Let each of you have more recovery time.
Remind yourself that he is the one telling you about his recovery and his meetings. What do you suppose was the reason he told you he wanted to drink but did then did all the correct things not to.....hummm see how good he is! See how he's embraced his recovery! I'm some what jaded with these kind of early recovery stories as my ex was always patting himself on the back with how good he was doing - when he was not!
As for AA and the steps correcting cheating behavior I'm not so sure about that. It seems that cheating is part of his history and we can't always blame all the negative behaviors on the booze. If his reason for cheating has been the booze or being alone then what's the solution if the booze is taken away, for him to never be alone?
I would keep re-thinking meeting up with him at this point in time. Let each of you have more recovery time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
I agree with others here, and I would say you may want to
ask yourself if you are sabotaging your recovery.
I've read on here that relationships are to recovering codependents
what alcohol is to recovering alcoholics.
At this stage in your recovery, meeting with him - an analogy
would be that you are contemplating having just one drink......
and all the communication about his recovery is you thinking
about drinking again.
Rescheduling would be a perfect opportunity to get a reality
check on how real his recovery is, the old "tell them no" and
see how they react.
Keep going to alanon and reading the stickies. Change is so
hard, but it's about progress, not perfection.
ask yourself if you are sabotaging your recovery.
I've read on here that relationships are to recovering codependents
what alcohol is to recovering alcoholics.
At this stage in your recovery, meeting with him - an analogy
would be that you are contemplating having just one drink......
and all the communication about his recovery is you thinking
about drinking again.
Rescheduling would be a perfect opportunity to get a reality
check on how real his recovery is, the old "tell them no" and
see how they react.
Keep going to alanon and reading the stickies. Change is so
hard, but it's about progress, not perfection.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
Hi KTF,
Things are moving along quite well thank you for asking.
Where I live (Scotland) we have to have been separated for 12 months before divorce proceedings can get underway - that date is actually tomorrow for us - last new year was a disaster!
This year has been such a rollercoaster of emotions. My ex is relentless with his bombardment of trying to get me to reconsider returning to the marriage.
I had to severely reduce the contact between us so we now only communicate via email - I only left this line open in the hope of agreeing a divorce settlement but he just uses it to beg and plead and I still after 12 months find that very difficult to deal with emotionally - even though I will not ever return to the marriage.
December was particularly difficult but I’m sure that was partly due to it being a year since everything unfolded as well as his 50th birthday and several other family occasions.
This year I have had many counselling sessions, lots of reading here on SR and chats with friends/family - all of which have been enormously helpful in the healing process.
I will officially begin legal proceedings next week when my solicitor is back to work - I just know he will not be accepting of this ugh!
I know for a fact that he has been dating this year (I guess he’s entitled) and I also suspect he has been drinking on several occasions but I know for fact on one occasion when he ran into his eldest with a pint of beer in his hand - so sad!
In terms of my own healing - I don’t feel anywhere close to being ready for dating so I won’t even consider that yet but I have been taking piano lessons, exercising regularly and have begun another course at uni - may lead to a work promotion - planning a few trips and holidays too so although it is all happening very slowly and I don’t feel as though I’m always moving forward - I really hope that I am.
Sorry for the long response - my update was a bit overdue!
Very best wishes to you on your own journey and every one else on here too.
Things are moving along quite well thank you for asking.
Where I live (Scotland) we have to have been separated for 12 months before divorce proceedings can get underway - that date is actually tomorrow for us - last new year was a disaster!
This year has been such a rollercoaster of emotions. My ex is relentless with his bombardment of trying to get me to reconsider returning to the marriage.
I had to severely reduce the contact between us so we now only communicate via email - I only left this line open in the hope of agreeing a divorce settlement but he just uses it to beg and plead and I still after 12 months find that very difficult to deal with emotionally - even though I will not ever return to the marriage.
December was particularly difficult but I’m sure that was partly due to it being a year since everything unfolded as well as his 50th birthday and several other family occasions.
This year I have had many counselling sessions, lots of reading here on SR and chats with friends/family - all of which have been enormously helpful in the healing process.
I will officially begin legal proceedings next week when my solicitor is back to work - I just know he will not be accepting of this ugh!
I know for a fact that he has been dating this year (I guess he’s entitled) and I also suspect he has been drinking on several occasions but I know for fact on one occasion when he ran into his eldest with a pint of beer in his hand - so sad!
In terms of my own healing - I don’t feel anywhere close to being ready for dating so I won’t even consider that yet but I have been taking piano lessons, exercising regularly and have begun another course at uni - may lead to a work promotion - planning a few trips and holidays too so although it is all happening very slowly and I don’t feel as though I’m always moving forward - I really hope that I am.
Sorry for the long response - my update was a bit overdue!
Very best wishes to you on your own journey and every one else on here too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
Hi hopeful,
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement.
We have actually been separated for a full 12 months exactly to the day...!
Still have very emotional days and miss him and my marriage but keep moving forward and taking care of me.
I can’t trust him so I won’t be going back - divorce is the next hurdle!
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement.
We have actually been separated for a full 12 months exactly to the day...!
Still have very emotional days and miss him and my marriage but keep moving forward and taking care of me.
I can’t trust him so I won’t be going back - divorce is the next hurdle!
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