Wheresmyunicorn

but what else is new when you live with an A I guess ...

I've been reading but not really logging in/posting the last few months. Things had settled down quite a bit; AH is still drinking but a lot less and seemed to be dealing better. Seemed is the operative word I'm learning.

We had [what should have been] a minor bump on Friday which led to the same old song that every issue we have is simply because I'm a b*@% who's never happy unless he's mad. FF to today, and he's still not speaking to me. This really threw me for a loop since things had been fairly good and we seemed to be communicating very well even though I was open with him that I wasn't dealing well with his continued drinking. He's been going to AA the past 3 days (and drinking after lol!), and I've re-begun my efforts to put my ducks in a row and get into counseling while I do so - I hope we can eventually both go and not have to end the marriage/family, but I'm now prepared for that eventually. Which brings me to the dilemma I'm now in ...

I was downloading our bank statements (to have records if I need it later), and I noticed a rather large payment to a vacation site. We haven't been planning anything. There are a few possibilities here: he is planning a surprise (which would be unusual); it is a fraudulent charge (which we would only have another 30 or so days to dispute and doesn't seem likely given this is a seemingly well-known business and was a rounded amount - suggesting a down-payment or deposit); or he is cheating and planning to announce a "work trip" soon (to my knowledge he hasn't cheated before, only with the bottle).

He doesn't know I've been checking in on the account, and if I tell him I saw this, it could start a war at home (I'm paranoid, nosy, etc.), or at the very least, he will be aware I am keeping an eye on things.

So, I'm torn. Do I ask him outright about it and deal with whatever after-math comes along with that? Or do I just wait it out and see what comes of it?

Ugh! I can't wait to get off this insane roller-coaster, however that has to happen!

Anyway, thanks for "listening" and for whatever advice you may have

Forward12

When you mention "our" I take it that it's a join account? If so I would approach him about it to see if it is fraudulent, or what's going on there to get that taken care of right away if it is a scam.

atalose

My first thought is do not cut off your source of important information such as the finances. The longer he doesn’t know you are keeping an eye on them the more information you will obtain. So in other words do not approach him about this right now because more will be revealed.

If he’s surprising you – you will eventually find out. If it’s a fraudulent charge I’m sure he will at some point mention that to you. If he is cheating, you will eventually find that out as well. Our emotions often tip our hand, so try and focus on you and on your therapy with a watchful eye on the finances.

dandylion

Well...this is just me, but I would, first, contact the vacation spot to see what details I could find out...
I would also do a search of the company to see how legit they look, or not.....

A little Pink Panther work.....

LexieCat

Well, considering that it's YOUR bank account, I think you're absolutely within your rights to look at the statement.

I'd just bring it up casually--I was looking at our bank account and I'm wondering what this charge is about. See if he acts flustered or flounders around for an excuse. You don't have to go into cross-examination mode. It should become pretty clear whether he's telling the truth.

Bekindalways

Welcome back and glad you posted. It sounds like you are working on the beginning of a plan

Wheresmyunicorn

Thank you!

I've poked around a bit online to see if I could get to anything, but the number on the charge is their 800 line and not an itinerary number or anything. I think I may call and see if there's anything they can tell me, but I'm not hopeful with all the privacy protections these days (I do a lot of sleuthing as part of my job, and it's harder to get at things these days - for better or worse). Otherwise, I'm thinking it's in my better interest for now to see where this goes. With kids in the picture, I'm more wary of losing the information I may need to prove the extent of his drinking than I am of him "finding out" I check the statements.

This just kills me! Anyone who knows me knows I'm not one to hold my tongue ....

abbccj03

Hi. So sorry you are going thru this. That is tough. I think finding info straight from the vacation destination is a great start. I personally would not want my access to account info to stop if I revealed I suspected something unusual. He might then open a different account and start funneling money to where you won't see what he is doing. The not knowing where money was going might be more than I could take until we are officially divorced. I found months n months of daily charges at a gas station (for alcohol when he was supposed to be sober) I honestly didn't look closely for a long time. But I never mentioned it to my AH bc I want to have access in case I need the info. Good luck!

PineappleBanana

Can I suggest, if this is a joint account, that you make sure you have your own username and password that is separate from his? That way he has no ability to keep you from accessing it should he get angry after you bring up the charge?

I am with the other posters though - I would call the vacation place first. Though be careful with assuming that it is an ok charge even if it is in his name (or yours). If someone has your card information, they could have your names and address as well.

Wheresmyunicorn

Thanks, PB! I do have my own user name/password - I go in through a cc I have that isn't joint. I know for sure he isn't aware of it because I specified this with the bank and have checked a few times since I set up my private savings account (I wanted to be sure he didn't see it popping up via his login).

I'm pretty sure the charge isn't due to someone accessing our info since it was made a while ago, and its the only questionable item on the statements. I will obviously be keeping an eye on the accounts more closely for various reasons over the next few months and will add this to the list :/

Ariesagain

Well, you could always say the bank called you because it triggered their unusual behavior/potential fraud thing? We've had a credit card frozen just because I was out of state for a week and bought my parents a television and they couldn't get ahold of either of us for an hour. They do watch this stuff.

firebolt

SOmetimes if you call the bank, they can give you a different phone number or more info than what is listed on the statement. GOod luck - that's unnerving!

LexieCat

I think the problem with that idea is that she says the charge was made "a while ago." If there were a fraud alert, they would contact you IMMEDIATELY.

AnvilheadII

there's a 1-800 lookup thingie - that would be my first stop.

PuzzledHeart

How checking out the browser history to see if the vacation site comes up? Of course, he could have been doing this on incognito mode, or he could have been looking at it on his phone, so NOT finding anything doesn't confirm anything. But if you do find something around the time he booked it, it would give you confirmation that something's up.

I'm with you though - do not reveal your sources!

And now I've got the theme from Pink Panther earworming its way through my head.