Abusive AH
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Abusive AH
Hi All,
AH and I decided to get sober 46 days ago. AH fell off the wagon and he is drinking again. This isn’t the first time we’ve attempted to find recovery together, so one of us caving in and beginning to drink again wasn’t a big surprise. Unlike AH, I am totally committed to getting it right this time, as I never want to relapse again (longest sobriety time was 11 months…years ago). I have a recovery plan, a counselor and I’m all in. No kids, married 16 yrs and we own a business together (currently rebuilding).
Here’s the jiggy…AH is verbally abusive, especially when he drinks. When he relapsed last week, he kept me up most of the night, yelling and screaming hateful things to me, playing music and the tv at full volume, calling people on the phone, talking and laughing as loud as possible…just to p*** me off. The next morning, I told him that I didn’t care if he didn’t want to get sober, but I’m committed and I’d appreciate it if he’s going to drink, he does it outside of the home. If he’s drunk, go to a hotel. He said it wouldn’t happen again. Yeah right!
Yesterday, things got worse. We went out to lunch and even though he told me the day before he was done drinking (again), the first thing he did was order a pint. Surprise, Surprise (NOT)! I didn’t say anything…before we finished eating we had an argument...It started as just a simple conversation about him needing to renew his passport. I told him that I wasn't sure where his old one was (I knew it was in the office somewhere...just wasn't exactly sure where it was located). That's when the conversation became heated. He starts accusing me of hiding his passport. OMG! We left the restaurant, he was driving like a maniac (almost rear ended a car), yelling, calling me names...yaddy, yaddy... Sadly, a typical reaction from him when he's upset. Once home, the passport was found (right out in the open). I retreated to my bedroom and he left and went out drinking.
In addition to the abuse, I suspect that he is cheating on me with women from the internet (not the first time). I am at the end of my rope and I want out! Life is far too short! I have contacted a couple of attorneys and done some research on next step actions. I want him to move out and I’m hopeful that an attorney can guide me through the process legally.
If there’s anyone who has any additional “food for thought”, I’d really appreciate it.
Sorry for the long spew…venting!
AH and I decided to get sober 46 days ago. AH fell off the wagon and he is drinking again. This isn’t the first time we’ve attempted to find recovery together, so one of us caving in and beginning to drink again wasn’t a big surprise. Unlike AH, I am totally committed to getting it right this time, as I never want to relapse again (longest sobriety time was 11 months…years ago). I have a recovery plan, a counselor and I’m all in. No kids, married 16 yrs and we own a business together (currently rebuilding).
Here’s the jiggy…AH is verbally abusive, especially when he drinks. When he relapsed last week, he kept me up most of the night, yelling and screaming hateful things to me, playing music and the tv at full volume, calling people on the phone, talking and laughing as loud as possible…just to p*** me off. The next morning, I told him that I didn’t care if he didn’t want to get sober, but I’m committed and I’d appreciate it if he’s going to drink, he does it outside of the home. If he’s drunk, go to a hotel. He said it wouldn’t happen again. Yeah right!
Yesterday, things got worse. We went out to lunch and even though he told me the day before he was done drinking (again), the first thing he did was order a pint. Surprise, Surprise (NOT)! I didn’t say anything…before we finished eating we had an argument...It started as just a simple conversation about him needing to renew his passport. I told him that I wasn't sure where his old one was (I knew it was in the office somewhere...just wasn't exactly sure where it was located). That's when the conversation became heated. He starts accusing me of hiding his passport. OMG! We left the restaurant, he was driving like a maniac (almost rear ended a car), yelling, calling me names...yaddy, yaddy... Sadly, a typical reaction from him when he's upset. Once home, the passport was found (right out in the open). I retreated to my bedroom and he left and went out drinking.
In addition to the abuse, I suspect that he is cheating on me with women from the internet (not the first time). I am at the end of my rope and I want out! Life is far too short! I have contacted a couple of attorneys and done some research on next step actions. I want him to move out and I’m hopeful that an attorney can guide me through the process legally.
If there’s anyone who has any additional “food for thought”, I’d really appreciate it.
Sorry for the long spew…venting!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Creative, and welcome.
Depending on where you live, the kind of abuse you're describing MIGHT be sufficient to obtain a protective order (in some places the abuse must be physical). An order would require him to leave and to have no contact with you. You can contact your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate about options. Even if you are not eligible for an order, the advocate can help with safety planning and any other resources you might find helpful.
Congrats on your sobriety--I've been sober eight years and would never go back.
Depending on where you live, the kind of abuse you're describing MIGHT be sufficient to obtain a protective order (in some places the abuse must be physical). An order would require him to leave and to have no contact with you. You can contact your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate about options. Even if you are not eligible for an order, the advocate can help with safety planning and any other resources you might find helpful.
Congrats on your sobriety--I've been sober eight years and would never go back.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Thanks for the response LexieCat. Here's my concern regarding getting a PO:
We own a business together and there is a lot of $ involved. My fear is if I jump the gun, he'll shut off my access to the business account and start transferring $ back to his country. BTW, when he originally set up the business account, he conveniently set it up so that he is the only one who has total control over the account. I can still go online, into the account and pay bills and pull data, but he can change the password or close out the account all together whenever he wants.
Do you think I should wait until I receive legal counsel?
Congrats on 8 yrs...if I hadn't relapsed the last time I would be celebrating 10 yrs...ugh
We own a business together and there is a lot of $ involved. My fear is if I jump the gun, he'll shut off my access to the business account and start transferring $ back to his country. BTW, when he originally set up the business account, he conveniently set it up so that he is the only one who has total control over the account. I can still go online, into the account and pay bills and pull data, but he can change the password or close out the account all together whenever he wants.
Do you think I should wait until I receive legal counsel?
Congrats on 8 yrs...if I hadn't relapsed the last time I would be celebrating 10 yrs...ugh
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, it sounds like you're not in imminent physical danger, assuming there's been no physical abuse, or other high-risk factors (suicidality, access to a gun, etc.). Sounds like a good idea to consult a lawyer as soon as possible, though.
Do you have sufficient money to live on if he were to shut you out of the account? I'd suggest documenting as much as you can about the current balance and other aspects of your financial situation. If he does transfer the money, he could probably be sanctioned for concealing marital assets, and the court could order him to pay your share.
This isn't legal advice--I'd make it a point to consult a lawyer ASAP.
Do you have sufficient money to live on if he were to shut you out of the account? I'd suggest documenting as much as you can about the current balance and other aspects of your financial situation. If he does transfer the money, he could probably be sanctioned for concealing marital assets, and the court could order him to pay your share.
This isn't legal advice--I'd make it a point to consult a lawyer ASAP.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
There has been no physical abuse for the last few years...he makes up for it verbally. It used to be only when he was drunk, but not anymore. I wanted to get through recovery together. But between his mouth and learning that he's cheating again, I'm done.
Anyone who knows me would be shocked to know this is my life. I'm not a timid woman, most see me as being a very strong woman who wouldn't put up with the BS I've been dealing with.
I work for our company...that is my only income. Currently, he and I are the only people on payroll. Psst, I gave myself a raise today while I was submitting last week's payroll
. He won't notice, he'd only pay attention to big chunks of $.
I've been keeping documentation of the daily balances in the account. In fact, I have a few ideas in how to move forward quietly, but like you said...finding an attorney is A1 right now.
Again, thanks for your feedback Lexie!!!
Anyone who knows me would be shocked to know this is my life. I'm not a timid woman, most see me as being a very strong woman who wouldn't put up with the BS I've been dealing with.
I work for our company...that is my only income. Currently, he and I are the only people on payroll. Psst, I gave myself a raise today while I was submitting last week's payroll
. He won't notice, he'd only pay attention to big chunks of $. I've been keeping documentation of the daily balances in the account. In fact, I have a few ideas in how to move forward quietly, but like you said...finding an attorney is A1 right now.
Again, thanks for your feedback Lexie!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i guess we have to start looking at the PRICE we pay for our "uncomfortable comfort zone" and what we truly value.
you want sobriety. you want peace. you want stability. you deserve to not be mistreated or abused. ever. is the lifestyle this 'business" affords worth it?
what would you do for a living if not "working" for the company? how would you support yourself? relying upon the unreliable is not a good plan.
you want sobriety. you want peace. you want stability. you deserve to not be mistreated or abused. ever. is the lifestyle this 'business" affords worth it?
what would you do for a living if not "working" for the company? how would you support yourself? relying upon the unreliable is not a good plan.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
i guess we have to start looking at the PRICE we pay for our "uncomfortable comfort zone" and what we truly value.
you want sobriety. you want peace. you want stability. you deserve to not be mistreated or abused. ever. is the lifestyle this 'business" affords worth it?
what would you do for a living if not "working" for the company? how would you support yourself? relying upon the unreliable is not a good plan.
you want sobriety. you want peace. you want stability. you deserve to not be mistreated or abused. ever. is the lifestyle this 'business" affords worth it?
what would you do for a living if not "working" for the company? how would you support yourself? relying upon the unreliable is not a good plan.
Prior to starting our business, I worked decades in corporate America for many fortune 500 companies. Once I became self employed, I realized the wealth of knowledge I'd gained while working my a** of for other companies.
Going back to work for someone else again is definitely an option. I've kept in touch with major contacts from previous positions I've held, becoming employed again shouldn't be an issue. But...starting my own business...now that's a dream come true.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello CT, Welcome to this side of the boards!
I second what Lexie said. What you may want to do is open your own checking account at a bank that is *not* the one you currently use. Make photocopies of important papers--tax returns, business papers, bank statements-- as well as your original birth certificate and passport, and keep them in a safe deposit box at the new bank that he does not know about or have access to. Then start squirreling away money to that account.
Is there anyplace you can go when he starts raging? Any place where you can get some sleep at night?
I second what Lexie said. What you may want to do is open your own checking account at a bank that is *not* the one you currently use. Make photocopies of important papers--tax returns, business papers, bank statements-- as well as your original birth certificate and passport, and keep them in a safe deposit box at the new bank that he does not know about or have access to. Then start squirreling away money to that account.
Is there anyplace you can go when he starts raging? Any place where you can get some sleep at night?
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by CreativeThinker
Anyone who knows me would be shocked to know this is my life. I'm not a timid woman, most see me as being a very strong woman who wouldn't put up with the BS I've been dealing with.
It's sometimes hard to believe this is my life.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Ct,
Welcome and congrats on your sobriety. That is truly your number one priority. Don't let him mess with you and jeopardize that in any way.
I also had a biz with axh. We split everything 50/50, your should be entitled to that also. Please keep copies of everything, as you are right he will hide as much as he can. Keep copies out of the the home.
I would also set up accounts in your name, change passwords so he doesn't have access to your information. Be proactive instead of reactive. Definitely seek out an attorney, he will be your best friend while negotiating this. You do not need to share any of this, education is power.
Regarding him harassing you when he is drunk. I personally would leave the house in the middle of the night. Put clothes on if I was in my pajamas and leave. Turn off your phone and let him leave his abusive comments, you might need them later in the divorce. I really didn't have money so I slept in my car at the local hospital or nursing home. Then come home in the morning. There is no stopping a drunk from verbal abuse, so I would just leave.
Hang in there my friend. Keep asking questions and we can help you get out of there.
Welcome and congrats on your sobriety. That is truly your number one priority. Don't let him mess with you and jeopardize that in any way.
I also had a biz with axh. We split everything 50/50, your should be entitled to that also. Please keep copies of everything, as you are right he will hide as much as he can. Keep copies out of the the home.
I would also set up accounts in your name, change passwords so he doesn't have access to your information. Be proactive instead of reactive. Definitely seek out an attorney, he will be your best friend while negotiating this. You do not need to share any of this, education is power.
Regarding him harassing you when he is drunk. I personally would leave the house in the middle of the night. Put clothes on if I was in my pajamas and leave. Turn off your phone and let him leave his abusive comments, you might need them later in the divorce. I really didn't have money so I slept in my car at the local hospital or nursing home. Then come home in the morning. There is no stopping a drunk from verbal abuse, so I would just leave.
Hang in there my friend. Keep asking questions and we can help you get out of there.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TheHopeful and CreativeThinker.....the workplace was never designed to meet all of our human and emotional needs.....yes, it can meet some of our needs....and give us access to some resources....But, that only goes so far....
Another thing...the work environment only allows for us to reveal certain aspects of ourselves...the ones that are valuable for the company.....
It is not meant to allow us to expose out tender underbellies....to nourish our hearts and our souls and our spirits.....
This, I believe, is why they only see one part of us...and, would be surprised at what happens "behind closed doors".....
We are in danger of imbalance, I believe, when our work life consumes too much of us.....
I had to come to this realization, the hard way...through the school of experience....
Of course, I am speaking of the business world or the world of working for the Man....
Another thing...the work environment only allows for us to reveal certain aspects of ourselves...the ones that are valuable for the company.....
It is not meant to allow us to expose out tender underbellies....to nourish our hearts and our souls and our spirits.....
This, I believe, is why they only see one part of us...and, would be surprised at what happens "behind closed doors".....
We are in danger of imbalance, I believe, when our work life consumes too much of us.....
I had to come to this realization, the hard way...through the school of experience....
Of course, I am speaking of the business world or the world of working for the Man....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by maia1234
Ct,
Welcome and congrats on your sobriety. That is truly your number one priority. Don't let him mess with you and jeopardize that in any way.
I also had a biz with axh. We split everything 50/50, your should be entitled to that also. Please keep copies of everything, as you are right he will hide as much as he can. Keep copies out of the the home.
I would also set up accounts in your name, change passwords so he doesn't have access to your information. Be proactive instead of reactive. Definitely seek out an attorney, he will be your best friend while negotiating this. You do not need to share any of this, education is power.
Regarding him harassing you when he is drunk. I personally would leave the house in the middle of the night. Put clothes on if I was in my pajamas and leave. Turn off your phone and let him leave his abusive comments, you might need them later in the divorce. I really didn't have money so I slept in my car at the local hospital or nursing home. Then come home in the morning. There is no stopping a drunk from verbal abuse, so I would just leave.
Hang in there my friend. Keep asking questions and we can help you get out of there.
Welcome and congrats on your sobriety. That is truly your number one priority. Don't let him mess with you and jeopardize that in any way.
I also had a biz with axh. We split everything 50/50, your should be entitled to that also. Please keep copies of everything, as you are right he will hide as much as he can. Keep copies out of the the home.
I would also set up accounts in your name, change passwords so he doesn't have access to your information. Be proactive instead of reactive. Definitely seek out an attorney, he will be your best friend while negotiating this. You do not need to share any of this, education is power.
Regarding him harassing you when he is drunk. I personally would leave the house in the middle of the night. Put clothes on if I was in my pajamas and leave. Turn off your phone and let him leave his abusive comments, you might need them later in the divorce. I really didn't have money so I slept in my car at the local hospital or nursing home. Then come home in the morning. There is no stopping a drunk from verbal abuse, so I would just leave.
Hang in there my friend. Keep asking questions and we can help you get out of there.
Opening up a new bank account today as well...but need to go to the PO and get a box office address first...don't want mail to come here.
Once the new bank account is open, I will contact our company banking service and have the difference in the raise I gave myself sent to the new account.
As for the business account, I have been exporting the statements directly from online banking and sending them to my personal email address. Question: Was your business account with your AH under both of your names?
My cell phone is under his name as well, as it's a company cell. The # is the company's main contact #, so I doubt he would shut it off. But need my own phone anyway.
All pertinent documents are being scanned and sent to my personal email address.
This is all pretty scary! This morning I walked outside, it's beautiful here today and I had the same feeling I've had for years... Whenever I've thought about leaving, I'd get a sinking feeling in my stomach, followed by negative thoughts: Where will you go once it's all over? You're too old to start over again. Think about how Mom ended up alone at the end of her life, after leaving Dad (Dad was an abusive AH as well...Mom left him after she got sober)...It's much easier to stay in your comfortable lifestyle, just deal with it...and continue to DRINK!
All of the other times, I caved and let the negative thoughts take over. This morning, as I stood outside with the same thoughts that have held me back for too many yearrs, I recognized what was happening...it was my AV, trying to keep me from taking action and finally freeing myself from this toxic life.
Even though I've only been sober for a short period of time, I feel so much stronger...and while I'm still alone through it all, I don't feel alone. My faith, the support I'm receiving here on SR, my counselor and a good attorney will see me through. Onward and upward!
Again...thank you Maia and everyone who has responded to my post. You have no idea how much your words and encouragement means to me.
xoxo
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Creative Thinker...."too old to start over".....OH, Please! give me a break!
Do you know that Jonas Salk was brought out of his retirement, at 90 yrs.of age to work on a cure for AIDS...?
don't make me go down the whole list....
Age is a state of mind....
Don't buy into all that ageism crap......
Do you know that Jonas Salk was brought out of his retirement, at 90 yrs.of age to work on a cure for AIDS...?
don't make me go down the whole list....
Age is a state of mind....
Don't buy into all that ageism crap......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by dandylion
Creative Thinker...."too old to start over".....OH, Please! give me a break!
Do you know that Jonas Salk was brought out of his retirement, at 90 yrs.of age to work on a cure for AIDS...?
don't make me go down the whole list....
Age is a state of mind....
Don't buy into all that ageism crap......
Do you know that Jonas Salk was brought out of his retirement, at 90 yrs.of age to work on a cure for AIDS...?
don't make me go down the whole list....
Age is a state of mind....
Don't buy into all that ageism crap......
OK, OK, OK Dandylion...not going to bring it up again!Called attorneys this morning and meeting with both of them this week. It will be a little tricky coming up with an excuse for being out for a long period of time but I'll figure it out (always do
. Next week AH and I have another session with the counselor. I should have a solid GP by then. BTW- AH confessed today that he is not drinking (again)...:::rolling eyes:::All is calm again on the home front...I can breath again.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
Interesting thought, the price we pay. I paid thousands of dollars to rid myself of my XAH. First was getting a place to go when I served him with the RO, then the lawyer. I decided to just make things easy and took over the rental house we owned even though I couldn't really afford it and that cost me about 20k to sell. I cashed in retirement accounts, I borrowed money from friends and family, I am still paying that money back years later and you know what? It was worth every penny. Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
It will be a little tricky coming up with an excuse for being out for a long period of time
ummmmm, why?
when all else fails and if you feel the need to lie/deflect/cover up, tell him it's a special presentation of Gone With The Wind. then you're covered for a good FIVE hours! lol
ummmmm, why?
when all else fails and if you feel the need to lie/deflect/cover up, tell him it's a special presentation of Gone With The Wind. then you're covered for a good FIVE hours! lol
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