Kmay10

Hi there,
I'm a new member here. I've been so lost and not sure what to do. I met Alex when I was 15 years old and he was 16. We have been in each others lives off and on since and dated for 2.5 years at the end of highschool/early college. He broke my heart unexpectedly and said he had been lying to me about getting drunk and partying all the time and using drugs. He knew I didn't like that, so he claimed he wasn't going to live a double life anymore. Hardest breakup of my life..never felt so broken even in my other breakups. He was my first love and I was his. Fast forward to two years after our bad breakup and he reached out to me and wanted to meet to talk. I was VERY dead set against him and letting him in my life again. But, no one knows how to get my walls down more than him. After many months I finally let him in and we began dating again. He was still drinking and then one day he broke down crying about how he realized he had a problem. A week later after he said he was going to try and slow down, he got sent to detox. Then he went to outpatient treatment. He was sober almost 6 months when I smelled alcohol on him when I got up from taking a nap. He admitted he had taken a shot from the alcohol cabinet (we were at my cabin for a weekend getaway). He called his sponser right away and many AA friends. He told me that was his only slip up. Fast forward to now...another 6 months later. Almost. We were on vacation with his family out of state when his Mom realized a lot of her Xanax was missing. Then, i realized my klonopin was missing and my xanax as well (we all have anxiety especially when traveling and it's all prescribed to us). He wouldn't admit that he took them for the longest time...then he did. He said he eanted to go to the bar and realize what's important to him. Apparently his sponser encouraged him to drink if he wanted to and be able to see how guilty and gross he felt after. So, even though his whole family and I cried for him not to go..he dis
I locked him out of the bedroom. Next morning he went to the ER because he was having bad withdrawals from the pills he stole from his mom and I. He admitted that he had been drinking the whole week prior to his first relapse 6 months ago at the cabin and lied to me about it. He also started taking something called Kratum that he read about on some forum and claimed was a supplement. I told him I thought it sounded sketchy so he went behimd my back and ordered some. I had no idea he was taking it. He had bad withdrawals from that as well when he tried to come off of it. He decided to have a drink with every meal for the next two days until we flew home. He was breaking all our hearts and knew we were disappointed but there was no stopping him. He said he needed to be honest with himself and he wanted to drink. He got drunk on the plane and kept telling me he needed to go to inpatient and get serious help. So, hw did. He went to detox and then was admitted into Hazelden Betty Ford here in MN. He has been enjoying it so far and says he's learning a lot and is really trying to live a sober life now. I'm so hurt and unsure if I should stay or not. I'm sick of being lied to, and I'm not sure I can believe that he is serious this time because he's said that several times before. We just got a townhome together and were about to move in when all this happened. Also, we always have talked about getting married. He finishes my sentences and I've always felt a strong connection between us. He has always treated me really well and been a very supportive and loving boyfriend. He loves my animals and accepts a lot of them in a way I don't think other guys would. (I do wild animal rehab so I have squirrels and other animals that I care for in my house. I also have exotic pets like 2 lizards and a bunny. I don't know that many people would embrace all of that like he has. I know it's a bit different. ) My mom is worried about me staying with him because she thinks it's always going to be a never ending cycle with him. My Dad has a compulsive gambling issue, and he refused to ever admit it or get help. That's what led my parents to divorce when I was 3 years old. My mom says she sees me walking down the same path with Alex and knows it will end in divorce or me being destroyed over time..but is it the same if Alex realizes he has a problem and is getting help? I love him so much and this connection I've had with him is stronger than I've had with anyone else I've dated. I'm afraid of spreading this disease to my unborn kids, and I'm also afraid we will end up divorcing if this continues down the road. But yet, I'm also afraid I won't find this connection and love with someone new. Starting over is scary. Staying is scary. It all is...and I'm a torn mess. He gets out of treatment in 2 weeks. All I've heard and read is people saying to get out now because I would be signing up for this the rest of my life. Worrying about having my pills in the house or alcohol in the cabinet for occasions with friends and family. I'm not sure I will be able to trust him again or not...I said that before and I was able to so I probably would but it would take time again. This is such a hard decision and I hate that I'm having to make a choice. I don't want to be stupid here or do anything I will regret. Thanks for the honest advice to come. I need this...I've been praying so hard for God to guide me. But I'm feeling pressure to make a decision. And I don't want to make the wrong one.

Any advice?

maia1234

KM,
Welcome and glad you found us. You asked some great questions. No one has walked in your shoes so we can not answer your question. We will tell you what worked and didn't work for us.

Life with an addict is not easy, I did it for 34 years. Always living on "hope" that he would get his shxt together, or stop lying, or think of someone else besides his selfish ways. I was never so lucky to experience it. They do say on SR a year of sobriety is what you need to see if an addict is truly embracing it. You can always tell an addict who is working a program. Sobriety is about growing up, sobering up and working a program. It is not only about eliminating alcohol/drugs from your system.

I would highly recommend you taking this time and working on yourself. Seek out alanon or open aa meetings. Hit a therapist and find out why you rekindled a relationship with an addict that you walked away from years ago. I think that you need take care of you and put on that oxygen mask as you said above. If he is truly working a program, he will tell you that he has meetings daily and doesn't have much time for you anyway. That is what you will see.

Keep reading all over this forum. Go over to the new to recovery forum and see how they all struggle with addiction. It is a very tough battle they fight staying sober. Education is power; do your homework and make decisions when you have a clearer picture of what you will be up against. Keep posting and asking questions, we all have walked in your shoes, loving an addict.

atalose

I do not think anybody can answer that question for you. As maia1234 said, knowledge is power and learning as much as you can about addiction would be very helpful to you in making a decision one way or the other.

Addiction is life long and progressive as you witnessed. He went from booze to pills, he has a history of drinking, as far back as you can remember, it seems to be the demise of the relationships you have had with him. History doesn’t repeat itself – people repeat history.

A 28 or 30 day stay in rehab is a drop in the bucket in the big picture of things. He has a boatload of real hard work to do in order to keep his disease at bay. It’s a 24/7 move heaven and earth focus solely on himself time if he’s serious about his recovery.

I will say this, if you were my sister or best friend, I would say run, end this now and save yourself further heartache down the road. But only you can make that decision for yourself.

Ladybird579

I'd say run too. Sorry. I hate to be a downer but I had 20 years with my now exah and I would not wish it on anyone. I also had a fantastic connection with him and I was in love in the beginning but over the years we ended up hating each other. I wouldn't pee on him if he was on fire now. Most of our kids hate me for putting them through it and I lost everything...and I do mean everything. My back story is on here somewhere. If I could turn back time to that first date I'd have gone home before he arrived. Many here would say the same.

grayghost1965

Run fast and run far - inpatient treatment is easy; everything is shown to the person and so forth. Once they are out and realize that it actually takes hard work, most can't hack it. At the least, I would consider a legal, living APART separation until you see what he's willing to do for his sobriety and your relationship.

LexieCat

You don't have to make permanent decisions this minute. I think I'd hold off on living together, though--that complicates things a whole lot. Are you renting or buying the townhouse? I certainly wouldn't want to own property with someone under these circumstances, and even a rental can be complicated. If things don't work out, one of you would have to leave and the other would be on the hook for the lease.

It sounds like you're not ready to walk away, and I can't say, based on what you've written, that the situation is hopeless. My first husband has been sober 37 years--he never went back to drinking or drugging, though he did both before he got sober. He was a great husband and dad--our divorce was unrelated to anything he did.

So I'm not going to advise you to run, necessarily. I do advise you to go slow, take care of yourself, and take the advice here about educating yourself about alcoholism. Live apart while you continue to see him, if that's what you want to do, but don't commingle your financial lives and destinies until you are convinced he's in solid recovery--I would want to see a year of sobriety and responsible behavior before risking too much.

dandylion

Kmay.....I would like to say this to you.....whether you stay or whether you go....the most important thing for you to do is to commit to a program of enlightenment for yourself.
Because....even if you move on...you are almost certainly fated to connect with another person like this...Perhaps in a different wrapping.
Why would I say this? Because, unless we gain more insight, we tend to repeat our same patterns.
You seem to know little about alcoholism (who does?)....but, you have a great opportunity to change that now...
You also need to learn all you can about co-dependency....because co-dependents go with alcoholics like hand in glove...
Here is what I suggest for you to do....
1. Go to the stickies on the main page...above the threads. Read the one called "Classic Reading"...read every day until you have read them all.
2. Order the book "Co-dependent No More"....you will probably resonate with this book...which is like a "bible", in these parts.
3. Go to alanon meetings....this is to give you attention for the effects that his drinking has had on you....
4. go to some open AA meetings...so you can see what recovery is all about for the alcoholic....see the struggles...
5. Expect it to take about 2years of uninterrupted sobriety to begin to see if there is any kind of real recovery....that will last
his lifetime....

I can see that you are caught up in your "love"...and, I have lived long enough to know that you are going to do whatever you want to do, anyway. Those in love wear rose colored glasses and believe that they can love an alcoholic into sobriety. Unfortunately, love, alone, is not enough to do it...if they are not co mmitted to live their recovery program for the rest of their life....

I do hope, however, that you will remember some of what I have written....
Your future happiness in in your hands, and is dependent on the kinds of decisions that you make.....

PhoenixJ

Look after you. He is toxic.

Tjunction

Hi kmay10

From your post, it seems that you have been struggling with the decision for a while and I don't see any encouragement to stay from the answers whether your family or online or on a forum. There is a good reason for this. Being in a relantionship where you are locking your partner in a room whichever the reason is, is something to reconsider as its not in either partners best interest. Being in a relantionship where you are continually having to put your own boundaries and needs aside to keep it going is not in your best interest for your health and wellbeing.. You are being continually tested for tolerance to lies and "relapses" and as long as you let it slide till next time there will most likely due to the nature of the disease be a next time. As long as you are tolerating living like this (can be decades...) it is how it will be often getting worse and worse unless the addict on his own decides to improve - you are not going to shape by yourself his own decision with any action you make or what you say.
I would also like to mention an option for you as your post seems to be in all or nothing terms . Maybe you should consider an "until" option. Meaning breakup doesn't have to be forever it can be "until" you both can enjoy it in a healthy way once he is not displaying the distressing behavior.You can still love him just as much but you will keep a distance and give it time "until" he can give you of himself in a way that you can reach the potential of the couple you feel you can be. It's not easy to love an addict especially when they are really wonderful person outside an addiction. But if you want different then different needs to happen. you can make it through this. Take the needed steps and change your own course - only time will tell if your boyfriend will join you on the road. You still have options, use them before they run out.

MAYA1

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Don't repeat the history, let ur mum give you advise and learn from her mistakes. I suggest therapy or Al anon to find out how u got there

NewRomanMan

Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life with someone who is only one drink or pill away from disaster? Are you going to be able to really trust him again? The only reason I ask these questions is because life with an addict (recovering or not) can be difficult. It's something one should be VERY sure about. And should you decide to leave, you will find someone else that you have that love connection with. I see it happen all the time. We think someone is The One an no one else could ever fit us so perfectly, but that simply isn't true, from my perspective.
Wishing you well whatever you decide.