I feel lost
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 40
I feel lost
and I'm trying to find my way. I wanted to title my first post “But what about me?” But, that sounds selfish and I don’t think I’m a selfish person. I probably lean towards being codependant (I just picked up the book Codependant No More).
We’ve been married for 26 years, together for 33. I was the one that told him that he should get his degree, supported him emotionally while he worked putting himself through school. I was the one that supported him emotionally and financially (working 6-7 days a week) through graduate school. Throughout his career, his work has consumed out dinner conversation and I was okay with that. I was interested. He would tell me I was his rock, that he could not have done it without me. We were a team. We talked about everything. I thought we had no secrets. I have been so proud of him. He has worked so hard to get where he is career-wise.
Being the rock, trying to hold my family together, being the support system for all has taken its toll. I’ve described it to my good friend that I feel like the rock is crumbling, I’m crumbling. She told me that when you take a flight, the attendants always tell you if the oxygen mask falls, put it on yourself first, then help others. She is a great friend. I’ve tried, but haven’t been too successful.
Now, after he promised to quit for the 3rd time, I feel empty. I want to support him. I’m trying to support him, but I am feeling empty inside with an overwhelming, all-encompassing sadness. I feel myself detaching and I am afraid. He’s not telling me the truth. Something happened for him to come home from work one day & say he’s returning to AA. Now, he has a sponsor, going to multiple meetings a week and talking with other AA members on his commute. When I asked what prompted this, he is evasive. Something happened. He won’t tell me. All he says is that he was selfish and that it is in the past and to judge him on his actions in the future. I can’t do that. I need to know. We were a team. He is being disrespectful keeping secrets from me. I told him he was selfish to keep the events that transpired from me. The last year of my life has been a lie. I thought he had stopped drinking. The reality was that he just didn’t drink at home. He would look me in the face and lie. I’m angry. I’m devastated. I’m broken. I’m afraid. I’m struggling. Yet I hold this all in so that he can concentrate on his recovery.
Sorry, that last bit got a bit rambling. But, what about me? I didn’t ask for this. What about what I need to heal? I would appreciate any guidance to help me navigate these days/months of early sobriety.
Signing up here on SR and reaching out is a first step at putting on the oxygen mask on me.
We’ve been married for 26 years, together for 33. I was the one that told him that he should get his degree, supported him emotionally while he worked putting himself through school. I was the one that supported him emotionally and financially (working 6-7 days a week) through graduate school. Throughout his career, his work has consumed out dinner conversation and I was okay with that. I was interested. He would tell me I was his rock, that he could not have done it without me. We were a team. We talked about everything. I thought we had no secrets. I have been so proud of him. He has worked so hard to get where he is career-wise.
Being the rock, trying to hold my family together, being the support system for all has taken its toll. I’ve described it to my good friend that I feel like the rock is crumbling, I’m crumbling. She told me that when you take a flight, the attendants always tell you if the oxygen mask falls, put it on yourself first, then help others. She is a great friend. I’ve tried, but haven’t been too successful.
Now, after he promised to quit for the 3rd time, I feel empty. I want to support him. I’m trying to support him, but I am feeling empty inside with an overwhelming, all-encompassing sadness. I feel myself detaching and I am afraid. He’s not telling me the truth. Something happened for him to come home from work one day & say he’s returning to AA. Now, he has a sponsor, going to multiple meetings a week and talking with other AA members on his commute. When I asked what prompted this, he is evasive. Something happened. He won’t tell me. All he says is that he was selfish and that it is in the past and to judge him on his actions in the future. I can’t do that. I need to know. We were a team. He is being disrespectful keeping secrets from me. I told him he was selfish to keep the events that transpired from me. The last year of my life has been a lie. I thought he had stopped drinking. The reality was that he just didn’t drink at home. He would look me in the face and lie. I’m angry. I’m devastated. I’m broken. I’m afraid. I’m struggling. Yet I hold this all in so that he can concentrate on his recovery.
Sorry, that last bit got a bit rambling. But, what about me? I didn’t ask for this. What about what I need to heal? I would appreciate any guidance to help me navigate these days/months of early sobriety.
Signing up here on SR and reaching out is a first step at putting on the oxygen mask on me.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
First, welcome to SR. This is an amazing place full of people who have been there, who care, and who can help.
Second, asking "But what about me?" is completely valid. We codependents can have trouble focusing on our own needs, but that is exactly what we must learn to do in order to heal.
Others will be along to add more, but I could feel the pain in your words and wanted to welcome you. I know the emptiness all too well. There is hope for you.
Second, asking "But what about me?" is completely valid. We codependents can have trouble focusing on our own needs, but that is exactly what we must learn to do in order to heal.
Others will be along to add more, but I could feel the pain in your words and wanted to welcome you. I know the emptiness all too well. There is hope for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
welcome and love and peace and so many prayers.. you hold this group tight.. find a Alnon meeting that you can go to.. and so many of us know just what shoes you are wearing.. really.. go to your blog here.. its safe.. for only the hearts here read it and we have all been in the same boat.. prayers for a better tomorrow..
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
PP,
Welcome, glad you found us. I also was married 26 together 34 years. It is a long time together and I am sure you, as I did, enabled him to much. You always felt you were a team and you could fight off "everything together". One day you wake up and realize that your whole relationship with your spouse is all lies.
I found a letter back from 1982 that I called him out for lying..... Now move it forward to 2014 when I finally had the courage to divorce the man I loved with all my heart. I could no longer live with all his lies, I didn't know what was happening. Alcoholism is a family disease, he was the addict but I was the crazy wife and mom... ugh!!
There really is nothing that you can do about your husband sharing what happened. Would you believe him anyway? The truth is very hard to get out of an addict. The only thing I would recommend is getting help for you. I spent hours and hours a week in alanon meetings and open aa meetings, therapists and SR. It gave me the strength to realize that my life had been on hold for way to long. Work on yourself my friend, as that is the only person you can rely on. Sending hugs!!
Welcome, glad you found us. I also was married 26 together 34 years. It is a long time together and I am sure you, as I did, enabled him to much. You always felt you were a team and you could fight off "everything together". One day you wake up and realize that your whole relationship with your spouse is all lies.
I found a letter back from 1982 that I called him out for lying..... Now move it forward to 2014 when I finally had the courage to divorce the man I loved with all my heart. I could no longer live with all his lies, I didn't know what was happening. Alcoholism is a family disease, he was the addict but I was the crazy wife and mom... ugh!!
There really is nothing that you can do about your husband sharing what happened. Would you believe him anyway? The truth is very hard to get out of an addict. The only thing I would recommend is getting help for you. I spent hours and hours a week in alanon meetings and open aa meetings, therapists and SR. It gave me the strength to realize that my life had been on hold for way to long. Work on yourself my friend, as that is the only person you can rely on. Sending hugs!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 40
Thank you for your replies.
TropicalWinter, wow, I have been feeling very guilty about my thoughts. Reading your comments that my thoughts are valid means the world to me.
Ardy, thank you for making me feel less alone.
maia1234, your comments about my husband never being trustworthy is really getting down to the point of my fears. I'm realizing that I have been rugsweeping for years and I just can't do that any longer.
It's overwhelming and exhausting to take a hard look at my life and relationships.
TropicalWinter, wow, I have been feeling very guilty about my thoughts. Reading your comments that my thoughts are valid means the world to me.
Ardy, thank you for making me feel less alone.
maia1234, your comments about my husband never being trustworthy is really getting down to the point of my fears. I'm realizing that I have been rugsweeping for years and I just can't do that any longer.
It's overwhelming and exhausting to take a hard look at my life and relationships.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm a bit confused. Are you saying he has been drinking and just started going back to AA, or are you assuming he has been drinking BECAUSE he has upped his meetings?
I'm just trying to get a handle on the situation.
Have you been to Al-Anon? That's another good way of taking care of yourself.
I'm just trying to get a handle on the situation.
Have you been to Al-Anon? That's another good way of taking care of yourself.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Sorry about the confusion. I thought he quit in Nov 2015 (1st promise to quit). He started going to AA meetings at that time for a few months, but never got a sponsor or worked the steps. He said he felt comfortable abstaining and had no cravings. I caught him in what I thought was a one time relapse in June 2016 (2nd promise to quit). Early March 2017, he came home from work stating he needed to go back to AA but this time, get a sponsor and go to multiple meetings. All I learned is that all this time he had continued to drink, just not at home.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Gotcha.
Well, I can understand your upset at finding out he continued to drink. There are any number of possibilities about "what happened" to cause him to get serious about his program. It isn't necessarily earth-shaking, but it's apparent that he is feeling a lot of guilt and shame, which is par for the course when you have some kind of crisis related to drinking.
Alcoholism is full of secrecy. When we're drinking, it becomes reflexive to lie--especially if you put a premium on what other people think. Chances are he was hiding this from everyone. That, in itself, is a pretty shameful feeling.
I'm not saying this by way of defending him, just that I know how it feels to be on that side of the bottle. I've been on your side, too, so I know how you disappointed and flummoxed you probably feel right now.
All I can tell you is that his history doesn't mean that he won't "get it" this time--I know a lot of people with years of sobriety who had false starts and continued to drink while pretending to be sober.
You are absolutely entitled to feel however you feel. I don't know how much you know about alcoholism. It's pretty complicated and confusing. If you don't know much about it, you might try educating yourself, and maybe attending a few open AA meetings (not the ones he goes to) just to learn a little more about it. AA's Big Book, and a book called "Under the Influence," are both good sources of information.
I'm not suggesting you need to learn about alcoholism for the sake of "supporting" him, just that it helps to have a good understanding of what you're dealing with. It's impossible to predict what will happen with him, but you can work on taking care of yourself. That way, you will be in the best position to make the best possible choices for yourself.
Incidentally, there's very little you need to do to "support" him in his recovery. He's got tons of support available to him from other members of AA, including his sponsor. Eventually things will become clearer. Be patient. More will be revealed.
Well, I can understand your upset at finding out he continued to drink. There are any number of possibilities about "what happened" to cause him to get serious about his program. It isn't necessarily earth-shaking, but it's apparent that he is feeling a lot of guilt and shame, which is par for the course when you have some kind of crisis related to drinking.
Alcoholism is full of secrecy. When we're drinking, it becomes reflexive to lie--especially if you put a premium on what other people think. Chances are he was hiding this from everyone. That, in itself, is a pretty shameful feeling.
I'm not saying this by way of defending him, just that I know how it feels to be on that side of the bottle. I've been on your side, too, so I know how you disappointed and flummoxed you probably feel right now.
All I can tell you is that his history doesn't mean that he won't "get it" this time--I know a lot of people with years of sobriety who had false starts and continued to drink while pretending to be sober.
You are absolutely entitled to feel however you feel. I don't know how much you know about alcoholism. It's pretty complicated and confusing. If you don't know much about it, you might try educating yourself, and maybe attending a few open AA meetings (not the ones he goes to) just to learn a little more about it. AA's Big Book, and a book called "Under the Influence," are both good sources of information.
I'm not suggesting you need to learn about alcoholism for the sake of "supporting" him, just that it helps to have a good understanding of what you're dealing with. It's impossible to predict what will happen with him, but you can work on taking care of yourself. That way, you will be in the best position to make the best possible choices for yourself.
Incidentally, there's very little you need to do to "support" him in his recovery. He's got tons of support available to him from other members of AA, including his sponsor. Eventually things will become clearer. Be patient. More will be revealed.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 40
Thank you LexieCat. I appreciate your explanation of the shame and guilt aspect. That really makes a lot of sense to me. I am trying to get a handle on all of this by reading articles on line and posts here on SR as well as looking for books. I have glanced at AA's Big Book and I will look into Under the Influence. I have no previous experience with alcoholism.
I have so many emotions about this, I'm truly all over the place. That in itself is driving me crazy. I'm having problems concentrating with work. One minute sad/depressed, the next angry, the next forgiving.
As for support, my approach has been to let him do what he needs to do for recovery. For instance, not ask why he needs to add the Monday night meeting to his schedule, but to say, sure, if that's what you need, do it. I don't ask questions when he gets home. But if he wants to share his thoughts of topics when he gets home or the next day, I listen.
I have started journaling to put my thoughts to paper but mostly I vent. I've never been much of a writer so putting my feelings into words is not coming easily, but I'm determined.
I have so many emotions about this, I'm truly all over the place. That in itself is driving me crazy. I'm having problems concentrating with work. One minute sad/depressed, the next angry, the next forgiving.
As for support, my approach has been to let him do what he needs to do for recovery. For instance, not ask why he needs to add the Monday night meeting to his schedule, but to say, sure, if that's what you need, do it. I don't ask questions when he gets home. But if he wants to share his thoughts of topics when he gets home or the next day, I listen.
I have started journaling to put my thoughts to paper but mostly I vent. I've never been much of a writer so putting my feelings into words is not coming easily, but I'm determined.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
PinkPetuna,
You are definitely in the right place! My husband is also an alcoholic but is now in recovery. He also promised to quit several times. Each time he started drinking again, it was a heart crushing blow to me. I just couldn't understand why he would start back. Have you thought about trying Al-Anon? I know when I first started going it didn't seem like I should have been the one going to meetings but now I couldn't make it without my group! The face to face contact and support you will receive is truly a gift.
Jaeger
You are definitely in the right place! My husband is also an alcoholic but is now in recovery. He also promised to quit several times. Each time he started drinking again, it was a heart crushing blow to me. I just couldn't understand why he would start back. Have you thought about trying Al-Anon? I know when I first started going it didn't seem like I should have been the one going to meetings but now I couldn't make it without my group! The face to face contact and support you will receive is truly a gift.
Jaeger
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Thank you Jaeger.
Yes, I went to an Al-Anon meeting over a year ago, but it didn't seem like the right fit. It's hard to explain. I felt very welcomed, but not like I belonged. So many tragic stories were told. I felt embarrassed to share what was truly insignificant when compared to what others were going through. However now might be a good time to go back. I feel like I am just finding my voice, if that makes sense.
Yes, I went to an Al-Anon meeting over a year ago, but it didn't seem like the right fit. It's hard to explain. I felt very welcomed, but not like I belonged. So many tragic stories were told. I felt embarrassed to share what was truly insignificant when compared to what others were going through. However now might be a good time to go back. I feel like I am just finding my voice, if that makes sense.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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If you are dealing with the effects of someone else's drinking (or recovery), Al-Anon is the right place. It's not a place for the horribly scarred, and there's no competition for who has suffered the most. Living with someone else's alcoholism is a draining experience, even if there's never been any job loss, violence, infidelity, or other major disasters. One of the recommendations for any recovery group (AA, Al-Anon, etc.) is to identify, not compare. Everyone there will be suffering (or has suffered) from feelings of helplessness, confusion, frustration, shame.
Trust me, you'll fit in just fine.
Trust me, you'll fit in just fine.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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PP, regarding Alanon, let me add that it can take several tries to find the meeting that feels right. Different meetings can have very different flavors, simply b/c they are made up of different individuals, even though all meetings are supposed to operate on the same principles.
In addition to that, it can take a while to get the gist of what Alanon is about. To that end, visiting the web site and/or getting some Alanon literature (used books available VERY reasonably priced from Amazon) will give you a leg up on how it works.
For me, the combo of SR and Alanon worked well together. You might find the same.
In addition to that, it can take a while to get the gist of what Alanon is about. To that end, visiting the web site and/or getting some Alanon literature (used books available VERY reasonably priced from Amazon) will give you a leg up on how it works.
For me, the combo of SR and Alanon worked well together. You might find the same.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Originally Posted by PinkPetuna 
Thank you Jaeger.
Yes, I went to an Al-Anon meeting over a year ago, but it didn't seem like the right fit. It's hard to explain. I felt very welcomed, but not like I belonged. So many tragic stories were told. I felt embarrassed to share what was truly insignificant when compared to what others were going through. However now might be a good time to go back. I feel like I am just finding my voice, if that makes sense.
Yes, I went to an Al-Anon meeting over a year ago, but it didn't seem like the right fit. It's hard to explain. I felt very welcomed, but not like I belonged. So many tragic stories were told. I felt embarrassed to share what was truly insignificant when compared to what others were going through. However now might be a good time to go back. I feel like I am just finding my voice, if that makes sense.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Hi PinkPetunia
My first thought was who is your rock right now with all that you are experiencing? And have you ever had a rock to begin with. You are hoping to have your husband be that person but it sounds like you have been doing the majority of relantionship and responsibility work from an early stage already. It's not easy to accept but the life you reflect back on is in the past and will it reach that point again - with what actions and efforts? Life is showing you what you need to work with as it is today. Take note as it's an excellent opportunity to get reflect on why you are in this situation and why are feeling how you feel. As awful as it feels you would not know where you emotional wounds are unless they are hurting.
My first thought was who is your rock right now with all that you are experiencing? And have you ever had a rock to begin with. You are hoping to have your husband be that person but it sounds like you have been doing the majority of relantionship and responsibility work from an early stage already. It's not easy to accept but the life you reflect back on is in the past and will it reach that point again - with what actions and efforts? Life is showing you what you need to work with as it is today. Take note as it's an excellent opportunity to get reflect on why you are in this situation and why are feeling how you feel. As awful as it feels you would not know where you emotional wounds are unless they are hurting.
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Hi PP, I can see a good side to him not confiding in you about why he's back at AA; he's really 'owing' his recovery. We say that recovery is the addict's business and you can't control or cure him. I think it's a positive sign that he's keeping it within himself and taking responsibility for his actions. And, really, you know he relapsed already, what good would it do either of you to go into the gritty details?
This is different from secret drinking where there's ongoing deception and of course you're angry about that. It would be something to take to therapy in the future if he stays sober.
From your POV it frees you to let him get on with it, and look after yourself instead. Don't let detaching frighten you, embrace it instead. It won't just help you, but it will send a message to your AH that you believe he is capable of doing this on his own.
This is different from secret drinking where there's ongoing deception and of course you're angry about that. It would be something to take to therapy in the future if he stays sober.
From your POV it frees you to let him get on with it, and look after yourself instead. Don't let detaching frighten you, embrace it instead. It won't just help you, but it will send a message to your AH that you believe he is capable of doing this on his own.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Originally Posted by Tjunction
Hi PinkPetunia
My first thought was who is your rock right now with all that you are experiencing? And have you ever had a rock to begin with. You are hoping to have your husband be that person but it sounds like you have been doing the majority of relantionship and responsibility work from an early stage already. It's not easy to accept but the life you reflect back on is in the past and will it reach that point again - with what actions and efforts? Life is showing you what you need to work with as it is today. Take note as it's an excellent opportunity to get reflect on why you are in this situation and why are feeling how you feel. As awful as it feels you would not know where you emotional wounds are unless they are hurting.
My first thought was who is your rock right now with all that you are experiencing? And have you ever had a rock to begin with. You are hoping to have your husband be that person but it sounds like you have been doing the majority of relantionship and responsibility work from an early stage already. It's not easy to accept but the life you reflect back on is in the past and will it reach that point again - with what actions and efforts? Life is showing you what you need to work with as it is today. Take note as it's an excellent opportunity to get reflect on why you are in this situation and why are feeling how you feel. As awful as it feels you would not know where you emotional wounds are unless they are hurting.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Hi PP, I can see a good side to him not confiding in you about why he's back at AA; he's really 'owing' his recovery. We say that recovery is the addict's business and you can't control or cure him. I think it's a positive sign that he's keeping it within himself and taking responsibility for his actions. And, really, you know he relapsed already, what good would it do either of you to go into the gritty details?
This is different from secret drinking where there's ongoing deception and of course you're angry about that. It would be something to take to therapy in the future if he stays sober.
From your POV it frees you to let him get on with it, and look after yourself instead. Don't let detaching frighten you, embrace it instead. It won't just help you, but it will send a message to your AH that you believe he is capable of doing this on his own.
This is different from secret drinking where there's ongoing deception and of course you're angry about that. It would be something to take to therapy in the future if he stays sober.
From your POV it frees you to let him get on with it, and look after yourself instead. Don't let detaching frighten you, embrace it instead. It won't just help you, but it will send a message to your AH that you believe he is capable of doing this on his own.
I think the reason I am looking for details is that he fooled me. The lying hurts deeply. How could I miss that he was drinking again? What were the signs that I missed? How much drinking would it take for me to see it? How much and what was he drinking at lunch before his coworkers would see it? Why, when I did see something in his eyes that made me wonder, did I talk myself out of it because he didn't drink at home and I could not find any empty bottles?
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Originally Posted by PinkPetuna
The lying hurts deeply. How could I miss that he was drinking again? What were the signs that I missed? How much drinking would it take for me to see it?
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