Sasha1972

Wow, I could have written a lot of your last post! It sounds like your husband has trouble recognizing you as a separate person with your own wishes, needs and rights. He's decided to be committed to sober living for the last ten weeks (or whatever), so what's wrong with you, that you have very legitimate doubts and uncertainties about his sobriety? It's a form of denial - "the last twelve years weren't so bad, and besides I said I was going to stop drinking, so what's your problem?". Either you're "not giving him a chance", or you must be hooking up with someone else. This says to me that he doesn't see you as a self-determining, independent person (or he does see it, and it really scares him so he pretends he doesn't).

Tjunction

Hi shifting

Congrats on progress. Going to counseling is good step even if the outcome is upsetting at the time. it's moving along towards a direction ultimately.

I hear similarities in what I experienced in my own history with the alcoholic that was in my life. My alcoholic was in my life for almost 20 years. Loved him to bits. Great guy so much potential. As an alcoholic he became emotionally and financially abusive. controlling. "But abuse is a blue eye and hitting" is what I knew at the time of abuse. Emotionally he gave me absolutely nothing by his choice. Gas lighted me often. I suspect he may have wanted to cheat at some points but never found concrete evidence just suspicion. I was a stressed single mom in reality. I suffered mild Ptsd staying (there's a story behind that), I gained a lot weight as a coping tool, I never smiled. I was always miserable but stayed because sober him would've made me happy and I wanted to keep the family together for my child. I was accused of cheating when I actually decided to move on, I was expected to just conform and understand and make like life is peachy again when he started his recovery and invited me in his life again to try. I was expected not too have an residual negativity essentially so we "match" him in his progress. I was expected to be the dutiful doormat wife and mother as I had always been but I didn't want to be anymore. Because that's what he knew of me and that is what made HIM comfortable. That was our history and dynamic. When he got sober and expressed trying after we separated (I left with my child and no financial resources, I had debt, no car and no family or friends to help with a place - he did not help in the least in fact he was spiteful and made life difficult) I made my needs more clear. I said give me xyz and I would consider. I had a voice for myself and I knew myself better what I required. He would agree and say the words and make promises but the action never followed. Dissapointment, again. Only doing what works for him again "sigh". Some tears and some thinking later I started really moving on. Did I want too? No Did I pine secretly for my failed marriage and previous life. Definitely. Did I want mr to be Prince Charming again to me. Check. Did I have days I felt awful, sad or angry. Many. but I worked with my reality and I'm fakin it till I make it. I'm better off in so many ways. I'm still work in progress but I'm finding myself and making a life where I'm number one and that is the ultimate prize. Your husband is not there yet if you ask me. He sees you as how he wants you to be. Where's the empathy for you? Where's the acknowledgment what life you endured? Where the "what do you need from me to stay in my life" not " i want from from you, you not doing it therefore you are doing something wrong" .

LexieCat

I think the separate counseling for right now is an EXCELLENT idea.

And here's the thing--you were already planning to leave. There might be some point to joint counseling to address your ability to communicate and support each other in a co-parenting situation, but maybe not to repair the marriage.

Seren

Oh SL, if I had a nickel for every member here who told a story of their controlling, addicted spouse's accusations of 'there must be someone else', I would be a very wealthy woman. The truly self-centered, ego-driven ones seem to never believe that the spouse has just had it with being abandoned due to drinking or drugs and the manipulation and verbal or physical abuse.

I am sorry you had to go through that, but I'm glad your counselor suggested moving forward with individual counseling! I hope that you come to understand that you have nothing about which you should feel guilty.

Hang in there!!

Wheresmyunicorn

I can sympathize with the cheating accusations. I've gotten plenty of them in the past. For a long time, I argued, including the fact that I always had at least one child with me, so exactly when was I doing these things. Eventually, I got to the point where I simply told him that the LAST thing I needed was another man in my life

ajarlson

Hi there, I had the same experience a long time ago. XAH went to a 6 week rehab and while he was in there I told him he couldn't come home when he was done. I felt SO bad saying that and of course he was PISSED and thought I had lied to him to get him out of the house. He was right but I was afraid of him so wanted him a long way away and in some sort of custody when I told him he couldn't come home. He spent 9 months renting a room and going to counseling alone and with me. It was the best 9 months of my marriage. On the advice of our priest who was counseling us (bad advice in retrospect), I let him back into our lives. I did it for my kids because I knew he would disappear from their lives if I left him. He managed to stay sober and mostly non-abusive for a number of years but eventually it caught up to him again and that time I left for good. When I took him back that first time, I never felt about him as I had before, I did it for the kids. He broke my trust in so many ways. It was no way to live but it worked (mostly) for some years so my kids got a dad for a while which is the only reason they have any relationship with him now. Not sure what my point is except do what your heart tells you, listen to your gut. Make a plan to protect yourself and your kids. Good luck, a lot of us have been in your shoes.