How to let go
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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How to let go
My ex and I had a weird relationship.. well I'm very strong headed, smart, but I always wanna help people. Well just the ones I really care about. My ex was an alcoholic, went to rehab, is out now, refuses to contact me. But he's given me no explanation why. If he told me why he can't because of a b and c I'd be bummed out but a lot better than I am now. I'm also sober, just never got into drugs and alcohol. But he's been contacting our old friends that he used to drink with every single day. So 1. I'm not understanding how that works.
2. What really happens after rehab?
3. How do I let go? Should I let go?
4. Why is it that the significant other (me in this case) is looked at in recovery as "the bad guy" or not a good idea?
I've been looking all over this forum to find and read whatever I can that will help me understand cause I literally don't, and I'm not afraid to admit that. Any advice is greatly appreciated
2. What really happens after rehab?
3. How do I let go? Should I let go?
4. Why is it that the significant other (me in this case) is looked at in recovery as "the bad guy" or not a good idea?
I've been looking all over this forum to find and read whatever I can that will help me understand cause I literally don't, and I'm not afraid to admit that. Any advice is greatly appreciated
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Theresa, it's cruel of him not to at least let you know why he's acting this way and it would be hard for you to find closure.
I've seen many posters who have had a similar experience of their A breaking off contact on leaving rehab. There could be many reasons, but some of the more common ones are:
Met someone in rehab - it's an intense, intimate place where close connections are often made.
He may want to concentrate exclusively on himself and his recovery, and for what ever reason feels you would interfere with that process.
He may have relapsed and doesn't want to discuss it.
He may feel you're too dominating and he's not strong enough to cope with that right now.
Or something completely different.
In the face of this frustrating silence from him, you're going to have to be strong and stop obsessing about it. You can concentrate on living your own life, and moving on from him. If that's the way he wants to end it, its a reflection on him, not on you, and you deserve better than that. And yes, he's made his attitude clear, so moving on is the only way to go.
I'm pretty sure no recovery program would call you 'the bad guy' but your ABF might have identified his relationship with you as a trigger to his drinking, or may simply want to do this on his own, away from the old routines.
Have you considered going to Al-anon (for the F&Fs, not the addict)? It could be the best way to meet people who understand what you're going through.
I've seen many posters who have had a similar experience of their A breaking off contact on leaving rehab. There could be many reasons, but some of the more common ones are:
Met someone in rehab - it's an intense, intimate place where close connections are often made.
He may want to concentrate exclusively on himself and his recovery, and for what ever reason feels you would interfere with that process.
He may have relapsed and doesn't want to discuss it.
He may feel you're too dominating and he's not strong enough to cope with that right now.
Or something completely different.
In the face of this frustrating silence from him, you're going to have to be strong and stop obsessing about it. You can concentrate on living your own life, and moving on from him. If that's the way he wants to end it, its a reflection on him, not on you, and you deserve better than that. And yes, he's made his attitude clear, so moving on is the only way to go.
I'm pretty sure no recovery program would call you 'the bad guy' but your ABF might have identified his relationship with you as a trigger to his drinking, or may simply want to do this on his own, away from the old routines.
Have you considered going to Al-anon (for the F&Fs, not the addict)? It could be the best way to meet people who understand what you're going through.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Theresa, it's cruel of him not to at least let you know why he's acting this way and it would be hard for you to find closure.
I've seen many posters who have had a similar experience of their A breaking off contact on leaving rehab. There could be many reasons, but some of the more common ones are:
Met someone in rehab - it's an intense, intimate place where close connections are often made.
He may want to concentrate exclusively on himself and his recovery, and for what ever reason feels you would interfere with that process.
He may have relapsed and doesn't want to discuss it.
He may feel you're too dominating and he's not strong enough to cope with that right now.
Or something completely different.
In the face of this frustrating silence from him, you're going to have to be strong and stop obsessing about it. You can concentrate on living your own life, and moving on from him. If that's the way he wants to end it, its a reflection on him, not on you, and you deserve better than that. And yes, he's made his attitude clear, so moving on is the only way to go.
I'm pretty sure no recovery program would call you 'the bad guy' but your ABF might have identified his relationship with you as a trigger to his drinking, or may simply want to do this on his own, away from the old routines.
Have you considered going to Al-anon (for the F&Fs, not the addict)? It could be the best way to meet people who understand what you're going through.
I've seen many posters who have had a similar experience of their A breaking off contact on leaving rehab. There could be many reasons, but some of the more common ones are:
Met someone in rehab - it's an intense, intimate place where close connections are often made.
He may want to concentrate exclusively on himself and his recovery, and for what ever reason feels you would interfere with that process.
He may have relapsed and doesn't want to discuss it.
He may feel you're too dominating and he's not strong enough to cope with that right now.
Or something completely different.
In the face of this frustrating silence from him, you're going to have to be strong and stop obsessing about it. You can concentrate on living your own life, and moving on from him. If that's the way he wants to end it, its a reflection on him, not on you, and you deserve better than that. And yes, he's made his attitude clear, so moving on is the only way to go.
I'm pretty sure no recovery program would call you 'the bad guy' but your ABF might have identified his relationship with you as a trigger to his drinking, or may simply want to do this on his own, away from the old routines.
Have you considered going to Al-anon (for the F&Fs, not the addict)? It could be the best way to meet people who understand what you're going through.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, it sounds to me like he's given you an explanation. He said he feels a lot of shame and guilt toward you. Right after rehab, in early recovery (assuming that he still is), an alcoholic is feeling pretty fragile. And most of us do feel incredible shame and guilt about things we did when we were drinking. He's not feeling like he can face that or cope with it just yet. If he continues to work his recovery, he will. That is no guarantee that he will want to resume the relationship--people do change and a relationship that seemed like a good fit while he was drinking may no longer feel that way now that he's sober. It isn't a reflection on YOU, it's just that people sometimes grow in different directions.
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it an be over when YOU say so......instead of sitting around waiting to see if he changes his mind. screw that. he BAILED. his actions tell you more than his words ever could. haven't heard his "words" over the years? blah blah blah, yada yada.
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Posts: 5,103
But he's been contacting our old friends that he used to drink with every single day. So 1. I'm not understanding how that works.
2. What really happens after rehab?
3. How do I let go? Should I let go?
4. Why is it that the significant other (me in this case) is looked at in recovery as "the bad guy" or not a good idea?
2. What really happens after rehab?
3. How do I let go? Should I let go?
4. Why is it that the significant other (me in this case) is looked at in recovery as "the bad guy" or not a good idea?
2. one of two things happen after rehab, he either will jump head first 24/7 into a recovery program like AA and put all he has into it or he will drink again.
3. You let go by understanding that you can't hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held.
4. I wouldn't say the "bad guy" concept as much as I would say "the enabler". Sometimes just staying with an alcoholic witnessing them drink to intoxication can be seen as enabling. He does what he does with the drinking and you stick around it in spite of the negative consequences can be seen as enabling. Very often in relationships that the alcoholic has there is a codependent enabler and when the dynamics of that change so does the relationship.
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Originally Posted by atalose
1. if he's contacting his drinking friends then maybe he's not serious about his recovery yet. Or maybe he's not fully grasped all the concepts and tools of recovery.
2. one of two things happen after rehab, he either will jump head first 24/7 into a recovery program like AA and put all he has into it or he will drink again.
3. You let go by understanding that you can't hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held.
4. I wouldn't say the "bad guy" concept as much as I would say "the enabler". Sometimes just staying with an alcoholic witnessing them drink to intoxication can be seen as enabling. He does what he does with the drinking and you stick around it in spite of the negative consequences can be seen as enabling. Very often in relationships that the alcoholic has there is a codependent enabler and when the dynamics of that change so does the relationship.
2. one of two things happen after rehab, he either will jump head first 24/7 into a recovery program like AA and put all he has into it or he will drink again.
3. You let go by understanding that you can't hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held.
4. I wouldn't say the "bad guy" concept as much as I would say "the enabler". Sometimes just staying with an alcoholic witnessing them drink to intoxication can be seen as enabling. He does what he does with the drinking and you stick around it in spite of the negative consequences can be seen as enabling. Very often in relationships that the alcoholic has there is a codependent enabler and when the dynamics of that change so does the relationship.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Well, it sounds to me like he's given you an explanation. He said he feels a lot of shame and guilt toward you. Right after rehab, in early recovery (assuming that he still is), an alcoholic is feeling pretty fragile. And most of us do feel incredible shame and guilt about things we did when we were drinking. He's not feeling like he can face that or cope with it just yet. If he continues to work his recovery, he will. That is no guarantee that he will want to resume the relationship--people do change and a relationship that seemed like a good fit while he was drinking may no longer feel that way now that he's sober. It isn't a reflection on YOU, it's just that people sometimes grow in different directions.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
it an be over when YOU say so......instead of sitting around waiting to see if he changes his mind. screw that. he BAILED. his actions tell you more than his words ever could. haven't heard his "words" over the years? blah blah blah, yada yada.
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Originally Posted by Theresa96
Should I walk away? I mean should I keep my hopes up?
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What would be the point in waiting around? It doesn't sound like he's ASKING you to wait around (which still wouldn't obligate you to do that).
Here's what jumped out for me, in your first post: "I'm very strong headed, smart, but I always wanna help people. Well just the ones I really care about."
Did you maybe, unconsciously, get attracted to this guy because he made you feel NEEDED? My older son, who is now 30, had a real passion for the wounded people he came across in his world. Friends with problems. BIG problems. The last relationship he was in, before his current g/f, was with a woman who had serious psych issues (probably borderline personality) and was abusive toward him. Before her, he had a collection of male and female friends with one thing in common--they were almost universally people with serious "issues"--he found himself in trouble more than once where these friends were involved. But he was kind, and he felt for them, and he wanted to be their friend because, well, they seemed to need a friend.
He's finally learned to make appropriate boundaries and to steer clear of people whose issues negatively impact his life. I'm very proud of him.
Maybe that doesn't describe you, but it was in the first line or two of your very first post. Maybe it's something to think about?
Here's what jumped out for me, in your first post: "I'm very strong headed, smart, but I always wanna help people. Well just the ones I really care about."
Did you maybe, unconsciously, get attracted to this guy because he made you feel NEEDED? My older son, who is now 30, had a real passion for the wounded people he came across in his world. Friends with problems. BIG problems. The last relationship he was in, before his current g/f, was with a woman who had serious psych issues (probably borderline personality) and was abusive toward him. Before her, he had a collection of male and female friends with one thing in common--they were almost universally people with serious "issues"--he found himself in trouble more than once where these friends were involved. But he was kind, and he felt for them, and he wanted to be their friend because, well, they seemed to need a friend.
He's finally learned to make appropriate boundaries and to steer clear of people whose issues negatively impact his life. I'm very proud of him.
Maybe that doesn't describe you, but it was in the first line or two of your very first post. Maybe it's something to think about?
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Posts: 5,103
We argued a lot. I wanted him to leave for months. I knew it wasn't just that easy. I never enabled him. He knew I didn't like the drinking either. But I wanted to be there for him and support him and encourage him. Seems like he just pushed me away. Maybe he's not ready to let go of old friend
He knew you didn't like his drinking but he did it anyway and continued to live with you in spite of your feelings. Did he also drink in your home?
I don't see you have a choice here, he already walked away. And I also don't see anything that would indicate you holding out "hope".
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
What would be the point in waiting around? It doesn't sound like he's ASKING you to wait around (which still wouldn't obligate you to do that).
Here's what jumped out for me, in your first post: "I'm very strong headed, smart, but I always wanna help people. Well just the ones I really care about."
Did you maybe, unconsciously, get attracted to this guy because he made you feel NEEDED? My older son, who is now 30, had a real passion for the wounded people he came across in his world. Friends with problems. BIG problems. The last relationship he was in, before his current g/f, was with a woman who had serious psych issues (probably borderline personality) and was abusive toward him. Before her, he had a collection of male and female friends with one thing in common--they were almost universally people with serious "issues"--he found himself in trouble more than once where these friends were involved. But he was kind, and he felt for them, and he wanted to be their friend because, well, they seemed to need a friend.
He's finally learned to make appropriate boundaries and to steer clear of people whose issues negatively impact his life. I'm very proud of him.
Maybe that doesn't describe you, but it was in the first line or two of your very first post. Maybe it's something to think about?
Here's what jumped out for me, in your first post: "I'm very strong headed, smart, but I always wanna help people. Well just the ones I really care about."
Did you maybe, unconsciously, get attracted to this guy because he made you feel NEEDED? My older son, who is now 30, had a real passion for the wounded people he came across in his world. Friends with problems. BIG problems. The last relationship he was in, before his current g/f, was with a woman who had serious psych issues (probably borderline personality) and was abusive toward him. Before her, he had a collection of male and female friends with one thing in common--they were almost universally people with serious "issues"--he found himself in trouble more than once where these friends were involved. But he was kind, and he felt for them, and he wanted to be their friend because, well, they seemed to need a friend.
He's finally learned to make appropriate boundaries and to steer clear of people whose issues negatively impact his life. I'm very proud of him.
Maybe that doesn't describe you, but it was in the first line or two of your very first post. Maybe it's something to think about?
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Originally Posted by atalose
Wanting him to leave and actually following through with making him are two different things.
He knew you didn't like his drinking but he did it anyway and continued to live with you in spite of your feelings. Did he also drink in your home?
I don't see you have a choice here, he already walked away. And I also don't see anything that would indicate you holding out "hope".
He knew you didn't like his drinking but he did it anyway and continued to live with you in spite of your feelings. Did he also drink in your home?
I don't see you have a choice here, he already walked away. And I also don't see anything that would indicate you holding out "hope".
maybe more of a gut feeling I'll have then? Thanks everyone for helping me 
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Well, attraction to people who are "sad" and "need help" is a pretty good indication that you are likely to wind up with more of these relationships--like my son did--and a lot of unhappiness and drama. At worst, you will wind up with someone who actually abuses you physically, emotionally, and/or financially. Abusers have radar for people like you.
If I were you, I'd consider exploring your feelings for someone like this. It isn't like falling in love with someone and then having a problem develop that you never had reason to see coming. This guy might as well have had a neon sign on his forehead, and you were attracted to that. You could be headed for a worrisome future unless you examine that tendency and work to overcome it.
If I were you, I'd consider exploring your feelings for someone like this. It isn't like falling in love with someone and then having a problem develop that you never had reason to see coming. This guy might as well have had a neon sign on his forehead, and you were attracted to that. You could be headed for a worrisome future unless you examine that tendency and work to overcome it.
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