AH still spiraling downward
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
AH still spiraling downward
So any of you who have been here for a little while may have read my posts. My three kids and I left my AH almost a month ago. Life is GOOD again! Leaving was definitely the right choice.
Anyway, here's some preamble to a story about some alcoholic, wet-brain logic for you:
AH lost the 4 of us due to his refusal to look at, let alone treat, his alcoholism and abusive behaviour. He was given a bazillion chances to take some positive steps for himself, and he remained in deep denial and spent his time blaming everyone else (mainly me) for absolutely everything.
I fell out of romantic love with him and went through a lot of the grieving process for my marriage before I left.
AH told me not long before I left that he would never go into another relationship again because he knew that he "had screwed up enough of them to know that 'he' didn't belong in one". Not looking at the alcoholism, of course. I think he was putting it down to just poor luck and differences of opinion...*shaking my head*.
The Story: Aout a week ago, a couple of credit card transactions brought to light that AH, despite the fact that he is already flailing financially (I always looked after everything, and he is remembering to pay nothing but the mortgage and car payments while adding to his current debts), had charged $170 in membership fees and credits to the always awesome (sarcasm alert) Ashley Madison infidelity website. Although I know I shouldn't have, I checked out his profile. He has himself down as 'single' (which he most definitely is from my standpoint), and his bio info is really tame compared to many. He resides in an incredibly remote area, though. It's likely that his chances of finding any women, attached or single, is slim to nil. He's more than likely communicating with chatbots (even though AM claims they don't do that anymore) and is using money he doesn't have to do so (not my problem right now but it will be when he can't make child support payments).
But here's all of the craziness. I just have to say this to someone. It isn't bothering me. It's just the sheer loopiness of it.
This man allowed his family, who loved him unconditionally and stood by him through thick and thin, to WALK AWAY FROM HIM after years of trying to hold things together.
This man had a loving wife and a good relationship with her in every way (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, ya know what I'm saying...
).
This man had a wife who was holding down the fort in terms of ensuring that bills were paid and things got done.
NOW, and please know that I feel nothing but sadness for this man and feel love for him as a human being, due to his own action/inaction:
This man is completely and utterly ALONE. His family (my three children and I) lives 7 hours away from him, our marriage is permanently over, his finances are tanking and the bottle still means everything to him. He has no hobbies or outside interests. He has no friends. His only acquaintances are in his life solely when he is at work. SO...he's on a "hook-up and hope you don't get an STI/no strings attached/cyber-sex/cheat with a married person and risk your safety" website looking for sex. Sure it's good in a way that he isn't 'looking' for anything more than that because he won't have the opportunity to hurt anyone else with his drinking and abuse. It could still happen that he will simply 'fall' into a relationship, but for now he's just out for the physical release with zero commitment.
Even more pitiful is that he's looking for sex but had erectile dysfunction (from the alcoholism) for the past 6 months or so. I have no reason to believe that this is no longer the case.
Anyway, these are things that I knew the people of this forum would understand. I needed to vent. I'm saddened that people allow themselves to come to this type of 'living', and I use that term loosely. He could have taken this opportunity to get help and aim for sobriety. Instead he's attempting to fill a void by using people and being used for casual sex. In the end, I think the distraction will only serve as further fuel for an already out-of-control fire. I see this as one further drop into the pit that he has been digging for himself for years. As the father of my youngest son, I don't want him to live this way or lose his life. And yet, here we are. It's something only AH can want and control. Seems he has given up on himself. And that breaks my heart.
For me and my children, it's onward and upward. We're thriving and LIVING our lives to the fullest. AH's life is in sharp contrast to ours. Without allowing myself to get drawn into his insanity and chaos, as was my life with him previously, I can feel sorry for him as a fellow human being.
It's just...really sad.
Anyway, here's some preamble to a story about some alcoholic, wet-brain logic for you:
AH lost the 4 of us due to his refusal to look at, let alone treat, his alcoholism and abusive behaviour. He was given a bazillion chances to take some positive steps for himself, and he remained in deep denial and spent his time blaming everyone else (mainly me) for absolutely everything.
I fell out of romantic love with him and went through a lot of the grieving process for my marriage before I left.
AH told me not long before I left that he would never go into another relationship again because he knew that he "had screwed up enough of them to know that 'he' didn't belong in one". Not looking at the alcoholism, of course. I think he was putting it down to just poor luck and differences of opinion...*shaking my head*.
The Story: Aout a week ago, a couple of credit card transactions brought to light that AH, despite the fact that he is already flailing financially (I always looked after everything, and he is remembering to pay nothing but the mortgage and car payments while adding to his current debts), had charged $170 in membership fees and credits to the always awesome (sarcasm alert) Ashley Madison infidelity website. Although I know I shouldn't have, I checked out his profile. He has himself down as 'single' (which he most definitely is from my standpoint), and his bio info is really tame compared to many. He resides in an incredibly remote area, though. It's likely that his chances of finding any women, attached or single, is slim to nil. He's more than likely communicating with chatbots (even though AM claims they don't do that anymore) and is using money he doesn't have to do so (not my problem right now but it will be when he can't make child support payments).
But here's all of the craziness. I just have to say this to someone. It isn't bothering me. It's just the sheer loopiness of it.
This man allowed his family, who loved him unconditionally and stood by him through thick and thin, to WALK AWAY FROM HIM after years of trying to hold things together.
This man had a loving wife and a good relationship with her in every way (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, ya know what I'm saying...
).This man had a wife who was holding down the fort in terms of ensuring that bills were paid and things got done.
NOW, and please know that I feel nothing but sadness for this man and feel love for him as a human being, due to his own action/inaction:
This man is completely and utterly ALONE. His family (my three children and I) lives 7 hours away from him, our marriage is permanently over, his finances are tanking and the bottle still means everything to him. He has no hobbies or outside interests. He has no friends. His only acquaintances are in his life solely when he is at work. SO...he's on a "hook-up and hope you don't get an STI/no strings attached/cyber-sex/cheat with a married person and risk your safety" website looking for sex. Sure it's good in a way that he isn't 'looking' for anything more than that because he won't have the opportunity to hurt anyone else with his drinking and abuse. It could still happen that he will simply 'fall' into a relationship, but for now he's just out for the physical release with zero commitment.
Even more pitiful is that he's looking for sex but had erectile dysfunction (from the alcoholism) for the past 6 months or so. I have no reason to believe that this is no longer the case.
Anyway, these are things that I knew the people of this forum would understand. I needed to vent. I'm saddened that people allow themselves to come to this type of 'living', and I use that term loosely. He could have taken this opportunity to get help and aim for sobriety. Instead he's attempting to fill a void by using people and being used for casual sex. In the end, I think the distraction will only serve as further fuel for an already out-of-control fire. I see this as one further drop into the pit that he has been digging for himself for years. As the father of my youngest son, I don't want him to live this way or lose his life. And yet, here we are. It's something only AH can want and control. Seems he has given up on himself. And that breaks my heart.
For me and my children, it's onward and upward. We're thriving and LIVING our lives to the fullest. AH's life is in sharp contrast to ours. Without allowing myself to get drawn into his insanity and chaos, as was my life with him previously, I can feel sorry for him as a fellow human being.
It's just...really sad.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
There is ZERO logic involved in addiction. Just more proof of that.
I'm so glad I can't see (because I haven't taken the trouble to find out) how my second husband is surviving. Every now and then I google for an obituary, but he's apparently still breathing somewhere out west, the last I heard.
I'm so glad I can't see (because I haven't taken the trouble to find out) how my second husband is surviving. Every now and then I google for an obituary, but he's apparently still breathing somewhere out west, the last I heard.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Assuming, Music, that you have disentangled your finances from his as much as is possible? Do you still share a credit card?
I would cancel that puppy, or at least take my name off it (if that is possible) pronto.
Your story is sad but not uncommon.
As someone on this site has posted: co-dependents mourn. Addicts replace.
Peace.
I would cancel that puppy, or at least take my name off it (if that is possible) pronto.
Your story is sad but not uncommon.
As someone on this site has posted: co-dependents mourn. Addicts replace.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think a lot of folks getting out of "relationships" sign up for dating sites or single sites or hookup sites. you might be reading a bit too much into one CC transaction. you might be feeling a bit more sympathy for a man who doesn't really deserve it. you said he was a mean, abusive drunk. he may not see your departure as a "loss" - he might be thinking oh thank god they are GONE, now i can drink in peace and get my rico sauve groove on. this may be more comfortable for him......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
i think a lot of folks getting out of "relationships" sign up for dating sites or single sites or hookup sites. you might be reading a bit too much into one CC transaction. you might be feeling a bit more sympathy for a man who doesn't really deserve it. you said he was a mean, abusive drunk. he may not see your departure as a "loss" - he might be thinking oh thank god they are GONE, now i can drink in peace and get my rico sauve groove on. this may be more comfortable for him......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Hi Musiclady,
My AH also gave up his loving supportive family for his bottle. He stated that he wasn't interested ever in another relationship!
We still aren't divorced yet, hopefully soon, and he showed up at our divorce hearing with his girlfriend!
She's welcome to him! He's not the man I married many years ago! He's an abusive alcoholic!
For over a year I have been trying to rationalize what has been going on, but there is no logic, or rational thinking on the part of my AH. That is the common thread in this devastating addiction!
Instead of your AH, let your focus be on yourself and your family. You'll never be able to make sense of anything your AH does!
Take good care of yourself!
Z
My AH also gave up his loving supportive family for his bottle. He stated that he wasn't interested ever in another relationship!
We still aren't divorced yet, hopefully soon, and he showed up at our divorce hearing with his girlfriend!
She's welcome to him! He's not the man I married many years ago! He's an abusive alcoholic!
For over a year I have been trying to rationalize what has been going on, but there is no logic, or rational thinking on the part of my AH. That is the common thread in this devastating addiction!
Instead of your AH, let your focus be on yourself and your family. You'll never be able to make sense of anything your AH does!
Take good care of yourself!
Z
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Sigh Musiclady . . . it is indeed so so sad.
. . . but then also in your story there is an exquisite irony . . . Ashley-Madison . . . .really. I hate to admit to a quiet chuckle as it is just so bad . . . .I know it is sad and this man is indeed a child of God but . . . .Ashley-Madison . . . well from your description of him he is the type of guy who I would only wish on a fem-bot.
. . . but then also in your story there is an exquisite irony . . . Ashley-Madison . . . .really. I hate to admit to a quiet chuckle as it is just so bad . . . .I know it is sad and this man is indeed a child of God but . . . .Ashley-Madison . . . well from your description of him he is the type of guy who I would only wish on a fem-bot.
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