A lot of pain
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 16
A lot of pain
I recently posted that my 3 year on and off again relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend ended because he made the conscientious decision to stop taking his antibuse so he could drink, when he knew the consequence would be that our relationship would end. I do not have addictions, but supported him faithfully thru his recovery, until that point. This wasn't just a relapse, he deliberately planned to stop taking his medicine and counted down the days of when he could drink. Said he didn't want a life without alcohol any longer. It was very sad for both of us as he packed his belongings and left, regardless of all of this we loved each very much - when he is sober he is so different. He immediately added a lot of new "young women" to his Facebook and Im sure other things to help cover his pain. The shocker was I have heard that he has returned to his ex-wife who also an alcoholic and very dysfunctional. It's only been a week since we have broken up and I know they weren't seeing each other behind my back prior to. The past week has been extremely painful for me and moving very slow, but this adds the icing to the cake. I just can't believe it. Please give me encouragement to help heal my heart. Imhonestly a good person that doesn't deserve all this pain. Thanks ❤️
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Of course you don't deserve this pain, mm, but please don't believe that you have done or been anything that caused this to happen to you. This is addiction. You are collateral damage. You did not "earn" this.
Your XABF is doing what addicts do: creating a comfort zone in which to drink without having to deal with anything that comes between them and doing so. It's not because his ex-wife is so wonderful that he had to return to her. She just doesn't get in the way of drinking.
You will move on from this, stronger because you maintained a healthy boundary for what you want out of a relationship. That's what healthy people do; what he is doing is not.
In the meantime, go ahead and grieve this relationship. Keep reading, keep posting. You will see how common this sort of tragedy really is, and know that you are not alone.
Your XABF is doing what addicts do: creating a comfort zone in which to drink without having to deal with anything that comes between them and doing so. It's not because his ex-wife is so wonderful that he had to return to her. She just doesn't get in the way of drinking.
You will move on from this, stronger because you maintained a healthy boundary for what you want out of a relationship. That's what healthy people do; what he is doing is not.
In the meantime, go ahead and grieve this relationship. Keep reading, keep posting. You will see how common this sort of tragedy really is, and know that you are not alone.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What SparkleKitty said. This isn't about you, at all, but about getting back to that "comfort zone." It's a very powerful pull for alcoholics.
A couple of suggestions that will ease the pain (or at least reduce the likelihood of adding to it). Stay away from his Facebook pages. People usually post things on FB to make themselves "look good" to the rest of the world; FB doesn't represent the reality of someone's day-to-day life. And you will only torture yourself if you look. Second, ask your friends to stop giving you reports on what he's up to. Who he's dating or living with, whether he got arrested for a DUI, etc. You don't need to know this, and, again, it will only prolong the pain and delay your healing.
A couple of suggestions that will ease the pain (or at least reduce the likelihood of adding to it). Stay away from his Facebook pages. People usually post things on FB to make themselves "look good" to the rest of the world; FB doesn't represent the reality of someone's day-to-day life. And you will only torture yourself if you look. Second, ask your friends to stop giving you reports on what he's up to. Who he's dating or living with, whether he got arrested for a DUI, etc. You don't need to know this, and, again, it will only prolong the pain and delay your healing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Of course you don't deserve this pain, mm, but please don't believe that you have done or been anything that caused this to happen to you. This is addiction. You are collateral damage. You did not "earn" this.
Your XABF is doing what addicts do: creating a comfort zone in which to drink without having to deal with anything that comes between them and doing so. It's not because his ex-wife is so wonderful that he had to return to her. She just doesn't get in the way of drinking.
You will move on from this, stronger because you maintained a healthy boundary for what you want out of a relationship. That's what healthy people do; what he is doing is not.
In the meantime, go ahead and grieve this relationship. Keep reading, keep posting. You will see how common this sort of tragedy really is, and know that you are not alone.
Your XABF is doing what addicts do: creating a comfort zone in which to drink without having to deal with anything that comes between them and doing so. It's not because his ex-wife is so wonderful that he had to return to her. She just doesn't get in the way of drinking.
You will move on from this, stronger because you maintained a healthy boundary for what you want out of a relationship. That's what healthy people do; what he is doing is not.
In the meantime, go ahead and grieve this relationship. Keep reading, keep posting. You will see how common this sort of tragedy really is, and know that you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Part of healing our pain is to stay away from what hurt us in the first place. You have the power and control to permanently keep this on again off again relationship OFF.
We have a saying around here...........no new contact = no new hurts. Block him from calling you, get rid of him on facebook, stay away from talking to anyone about him and truly allow yourself to heal from this relationship once and for all.
Situations like yours where the alcoholic seems to move on so quickly reinforces the fact that "love" has nothing at all to do with it. It has nothing to do with him getting sober and staying that way, it has nothing to do with the amount of love you show or how much he loves you..........this is addiction and to love an addict/alcoholic is to run out of tears.
We have a saying around here...........no new contact = no new hurts. Block him from calling you, get rid of him on facebook, stay away from talking to anyone about him and truly allow yourself to heal from this relationship once and for all.
Situations like yours where the alcoholic seems to move on so quickly reinforces the fact that "love" has nothing at all to do with it. It has nothing to do with him getting sober and staying that way, it has nothing to do with the amount of love you show or how much he loves you..........this is addiction and to love an addict/alcoholic is to run out of tears.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by LexieCat
What SparkleKitty said. This isn't about you, at all, but about getting back to that "comfort zone." It's a very powerful pull for alcoholics.
A couple of suggestions that will ease the pain (or at least reduce the likelihood of adding to it). Stay away from his Facebook pages. People usually post things on FB to make themselves "look good" to the rest of the world; FB doesn't represent the reality of someone's day-to-day life. And you will only torture yourself if you look. Second, ask your friends to stop giving you reports on what he's up to. Who he's dating or living with, whether he got arrested for a DUI, etc. You don't need to know this, and, again, it will only prolong the pain and delay your healing.
A couple of suggestions that will ease the pain (or at least reduce the likelihood of adding to it). Stay away from his Facebook pages. People usually post things on FB to make themselves "look good" to the rest of the world; FB doesn't represent the reality of someone's day-to-day life. And you will only torture yourself if you look. Second, ask your friends to stop giving you reports on what he's up to. Who he's dating or living with, whether he got arrested for a DUI, etc. You don't need to know this, and, again, it will only prolong the pain and delay your healing.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mmdillon......painful things happen to good people, too. It happens in every persons life, sooner or later ...and, often, more than once.....Being a good person does not shield a person from life's hurts and disappointments....
A bull won't avoid goring someone just because they are a vegetarian, for example.....
A bull won't avoid goring someone just because they are a vegetarian, for example.....
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
mm you made the only healthy decision, and you'll get through these hard times and thank yourself for your strength.
There will be good things for you in the future. Keep your focus on moving on, doing things for yourself, eating and exercising. One day you'll realise the pain has diminished.
Try to go completely non-contact. all the best.
There will be good things for you in the future. Keep your focus on moving on, doing things for yourself, eating and exercising. One day you'll realise the pain has diminished.
Try to go completely non-contact. all the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
mm you made the only healthy decision, and you'll get through these hard times and thank yourself for your strength.
There will be good things for you in the future. Keep your focus on moving on, doing things for yourself, eating and exercising. One day you'll realise the pain has diminished.
Try to go completely non-contact. all the best.
There will be good things for you in the future. Keep your focus on moving on, doing things for yourself, eating and exercising. One day you'll realise the pain has diminished.
Try to go completely non-contact. all the best.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you don't deserve this pain and you made the ONLY choice you could to assure that "this" pain brought on by a relationship with "this" man will stop. it won't feel better tomorrow, but if you keep your focus ahead on what lies next in your grand adventure, the pain will lessen.
there really should be a rule. every relationship is allowed ONE break up and get back together. after that, at the next break up, it's game over and everybody walks away. cuz if we keep playing the "now you see me, now you don't" thing, THAT becomes a pattern. and patterns are hard to break.
now would be a good time to stop getting any updates, or checking out his FB page. i understand the pull to keep tabs, but it doesn't HELP you.
there really should be a rule. every relationship is allowed ONE break up and get back together. after that, at the next break up, it's game over and everybody walks away. cuz if we keep playing the "now you see me, now you don't" thing, THAT becomes a pattern. and patterns are hard to break.
now would be a good time to stop getting any updates, or checking out his FB page. i understand the pull to keep tabs, but it doesn't HELP you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
