Recovered Spouse Cheated and Left Me
 

New to this site and forum but have spent the past two days reading a variety of threads and found them to be very helpful. Would appreciate some thoughts on my situation or just a space to rant since I do not feel that many people in my life understand.

About four months ago, my domestic partner of 6 years (recovered alcoholic with 8 years sobriety, stopped going to meetings or working the program for past 3 years) decided almost overnight that she had been unhappy in our relationship and wanted to separate. (We had been living together for years prior to this, but about a year ago went long distance due to school. )This was after I had confronted her about text messages I saw that looked like emotional cheating to me. She claimed that they weren't. I believed her. I wanted to try working on our relationship -- I listed a bunch of behaviors I wanted to change that I thought would make our relationship happier because I knew I was not the perfect partner. She agreed that these would make a big difference but also she felt that she had fallen out of love with me but still loved me a lot.

We break-up for a short while and decide to talk again in 3 weeks. I of course send e-mails professing my love and try to stay friendly through texts. She states that she feels a lot of anxiety and negative feelings when she gets texts from me. She decides that she wants to give us a try again. However, during this time, I feel her pulling away from me. She says she feels a lot of negative emotions and resentments towards me at times and doesn't understand why but feels an emotional block and thinks they're leftover from situations in the past. She also admits during this time she likes the person she had been flirting with over text. A month or so later, she says that she's unable to overcome her negative emotions because of too many stressors in her life and that her trying to fight the feeling of wanting to break up is making her so emotionally and physically ill that it is putting her at risk of relapsing. She states her feelings are out of proportion to reality and logically this doesn't make sense, but she sees no other way. She says that she can't work through her resentments towards me and maintain the relationship with her life stressors without possibly relapsing. She says she doesn't have time for her sponsor's suggestions (therapy, more meetings/fellowship). She breaks up with me.

I find out about a month later that she is now dating the person who she likes. I also find out that during the 3 week period when we broke up, she met with that person who she likes and she basically was assessing whether or not they could get together. And they maintained talking and everything after we had gotten together and everything. Only good news is that she's going to a lot more meetings now and also therapy.

When I talk to her, she continues to play the role of the victim, about how she didn't mean for any of this to happen, how she didn't mean to hurt me, while refusing to admit that she cheated. Also refuses to acknowledge how she had been dragging me along and blaming me for the unhappiness in our relationship and making me feel as though I had fundamentally caused such great problems that things could not work out.

Right now, I feel lost. I don't know if her behavior sounds like typical alcoholic, dry drunk behavior? To me, it seems like she's running away from issues instead of facing them, that her negative emotions of anxiety are a projection of her own issues and guilt, and also suffering a major "grass is greener" situation. And it seems unfair to me that she's built up all this resentment towards me when she never brought up issues to me in the past. I know that there is nothing I can do to control or fix the situation (because I have already done everything that I could and it didn't work). I know that I should not wish for her to come back in the future and tell me that she's made a mistake. But is it wrong of me to hope that if she were to come back, she would have learned from it and we would finally be able to grow together? I know that I should not wait for her and should try to move forward with my own life. But I love her and this has been a major drastic change in her character during these last 4 months that leaves me feeling so confused. Is this a manifestation of her alcoholic behavior? Is she going to get better? How do I know if it really was our relationship that was the problem or if she was just looking for an easy scapegoat for her own feelings of unhappiness?

...am I crazy?

Welcome to SR Losthelp. I'm glad you found us.

It sounds like you have had a pretty rotten couple of months. This sort of thing is excruciatingly painful.

My qualifier didn't get sober until long after I had left so I haven't experienced anything similar.

I hope you are taking extra good care of yourself and have something of a support system. Stick around and keep posting.

I don't think you're independently crazy but you might be approaching the temporary kind. Sounds to me like she's keeping you on the string along with the new person and/or she doesn't have the guts to break up with you decently. How much this has to do with her alcoholism is anybody's guess, but I wouldn't wait around holding my breath, if I were you.

Oh and welcome. Glad you found us.

Thank you bekindalways and lexiecat for your responses.

She already broke up with me to pursue the other person... but I feel like I'm the only one that has to deal with the consequences and the fall-out of her actions, such as getting all the paperwork to terminate our DP. While she is dating a new person and supposedly working on herself.

It just seems very impulsive and reckless to me and a huge manifestation of her poor coping skills. Although I am aware of people who fall out of love with their spouses and cheat and leave. Some of my friends with normies in long term relationship also recently broke up, but they are all still very close and amicable. But she has such a strong negative reaction to me that I don't understand at all? We were each other's best friends while we were together. But she has completely pushed me away afterwards, discarded me, and has displaced(?) all these negative emotions onto me.

I know I'm supposed to keep moving forward with my own life and let go, but to ignore this huge wreckage and fall-out of a 6 year relationship seems completely ridiculous and abnormal to me, so my mind keeps floating back.

But is it wrong of me to hope that if she were to come back, she would have learned from it and we would finally be able to grow together? I know that I should not wait for her and should try to move forward with my own life. But I love her and this has been a major drastic change in her character during these last 4 months that leaves me feeling so confused. Is this a manifestation of her alcoholic behavior? Is she going to get better? How do I know if it really was our relationship that was the problem or if she was just looking for an easy scapegoat for her own feelings of unhappiness?

Hard for us to say. There are several things that could have caused her to stray emotionally. Aside from alcoholism. She has been sober for quite some time. So, that would lend me to believe it's not just alcoholism at play here. IMO, many people stray from relationships when their needs aren't being met. Some because of mid life crisis type things. And some, are just in unfulfilling unions long after they stopped being fulfilling, but they stay for whatever reasons. There are a lot of unhappy couples out there. I don't know your partner, is she an unhappy person in general, do you think? Perhaps you need to be prepared to face that she could have just been unhappy with your relationship as opposed to just being unhappy with herself.

Hi, losthelp. Welcome.
Well, she doesn't want to be in the relationship with you anymore, though it seems that she has stopped just short of cutting ties completely, for whatever reason.
I can't say as to what is going on with her. Sorry for your hurt and sadness. Very tough to let go of a relationship, especially when the reasons make no sense to you.
I guess the only advice I would offer would be to live your life the best you can every day. Give this situation time. Perhaps more will be revealed.
Meantime, find things that you like to do, and do them. Get lots of fresh air, exercise, eat when you are hungry.
In short, practice lots and lots of self care. All will be well after a while. Peace.

I agree and originally it was what I was grappling with trying to decipher. Her own sponsor told her not to breakup because it sounded like she was running away and being an alcoholic. She's been sober for a while but stopped working the program or even going to meetings for many years (2-3 years). She was extremely emotionally dysregulated in the time period immediately prior to breaking up with me and she said she felt out of control and it reminded her of when she was in early sobriety. And she blamed all of this on her trying to fight the feeling of wanting to break up with me. It's also the lying and the cheating that have really thrown me off because I have never known my partner in all the years we were together to have been a deceitful and manipulative person. Hell, I fell in love with her because I thought she was the most genuinely nice and kind person, who gave to others without expecting anything in return. But all of a sudden, here was this person who was refusing to see their part, playing the victim, manipulating, lying, and cheating. I don't know who this person is.

I think my partner does tend to look for a lot of happiness outside of herself. And has a history of bad coping skills. In the past when there have been issues in her life (deaths, bad grades, etc), she shuts down, holds back tears, and refuses to talk about the issue at hand and welcomes distractions to take her mind off the problem. I think there were definitely issues in our relationship that caused unhappiness, but I've talked with my "normie" friends and they all say that these are really minor issues that shouldn't be deal breakers. I feel like since she moved away for school she's been dropping her old life (including me) for all that is new and exciting. And she blamed all of her craziness over the past few months on our relationship, but now that she's broken up with me, she's upped a bunch of her meetings, still feels emotionally unwell and is going to start therapy. Just wish that it didn't take ending a relationship for her to want to work on herself... or maybe it's being with this new person that has made her want to improve? I don't know... I feel like I don't know what's real and what's false anymore.

Hmmmm. That IS hard...when you feel someone has dropped you for what's "new and exciting". Very hard. Well, it must feel like a huge blow, really, to be honest! I think I would feel the same way. And it must leave you feeling not only hurt, but bewildered?

You didn't say how old she is. This sounds an awful lot like a midlife crisis to me...in which some people sort of panic and feel like they have to hurry up and make sweeping changes in their life or they will have lost all their youth completely and time is closing in on them in which they only have so long to realize their dreams and ambitions and experience various things....(her going back to school, for instance). The new boyfriend...well, he could just be someone who makes her feel good.

But who knows how long any of that will last. There comes a point in which "new and exciting" is no longer new and exciting with the passage of time. And one thing is inevitable: time will pass. It always does. In the meantime, hang in there.

Losthelp....I can certainly relate to how much pain and heartbreak you must be in. I would never minimize that!
It sounds like she does have a lot of turmoil within herself for some reason/s....Who knows why?
One thing that I have observed...whenever someone says "I am not in love with you any more (but, I still love you in a humanitarian sort of way)....the relationship is , essentially, over...And, if they have moved on to someone else to fill that spot...that really puts the seal on it....

Of course, you are grieving....You are going to need to grieve and you are going to need to do some healing....and, this will take some time...it won't all happen, over night. This I can tell you....you will get through it..eventually, and you will be alright.....Who knows about her. It is all in her hands, as to what happens on that end of it...

Not all couples who break up, retain an ongoing friendship.....not even normies!
Not everything that happens is due to alcoholism......

I hope that you hang around and keep reading and sharing and learning......

You said she "decided almost over night" that she was unhappy in the relationship. I doubt this is the case. I suspect this might be something she has been struggling with for a long time.

When I left my first husband, it wasn't because he did anything wrong, or wasn't a good husband--he was. But I had felt like the relationship wasn't a good "fit" for pretty long time, and it took me quite a while to figure out what the problem was and what to do about it. It undoubtedly looked to HIM as if I had "decided over night" that I wanted out, but it was a long time coming.

I think dandylion is right, though--whatever is going on with her, she doesn't want the relationship any longer, and as sad and upsetting as it is for you, trying to analyze this or to hold onto the relationship will only prolong the pain.

I'm so sorry you are hurting from the ending of this relationship. Endings are never easy especially for the person who still wants to hang on.

This breakup happened 4 months ago, it sounds like you have reached the bargaining stage of grief. That's when we become consumed with analizing them and thinking that if they would just fix this or work on that then they will be back and MY pain will end.

I am reminded of this expression..............

You can't morn the death of the relationship if you are still dancing with the corps.

The longer you remain in contact with her and her life the longer your HURT is going to last. I think knowing she is going back to meetings and therapy may be offering you a "false hope" of what could be rather then dealing with the harsh reality of pain today.

Again, I am so sorry you are in pain, been there and it's not easy.

Does it matter what the reason is?

I'll be honest, I suspect the latter, but I pose that question to you because no matter what the motivation, right now it sounds like you've made it clear to her that you are willing to be Plan B. If things don't work out with whoever or whatever, she knows right now that she can fall back on you.

This is a great arrangement for her, but this is not a great arrangement for you. Even if she does come back, do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop?

You deserve to be Plan A.

My gut is telling me - she's both.

My sister, when you first meet her, is the most generous, kind loving person you could meet. She just radiates warmth. But the reason behind that kindness and warmth? She thrives on external validation. She needs it like nobody's business. And so she goes for the easy win - acceptance from strangers and long-distance relatives who don't know what it's like to put up with her.

No you don't ignore it. But you learn from it, because what else can you do?

Do you know the play Angels in America? The story of Harper always resonated with me. Her husband leaves her with another man, and she's has to cope with the mess and denial that he left in his wake. When my ex-fiance left me before the wedding, I used to read the script ad nauseam because it comforted me to know that this pain was universal.

My ex-fiance left me almost twenty years ago, and I still revisit that relationship on occasion. Not because I miss him, but because that relationship taught me to appreciate the relationship I have with my husband today. And when I met my husband, because I had gone through my share of crappy relationships (I was actually engaged twice), I KNEW that he was the one and I would be foolish to let him go. So when we argue about housework or the inevitable petty annoyances that occur with any long-term relationship, I remind myself that I lived a truly lousy relationship once upon a time. And I never want to go back to that. So it makes folding clothes much easier.

So no don't ignore the wreckage. But don't throw yourself in it either and stab yourself multiple times.

This may sound silly, but sometimes when I have an unpleasant task, I remind myself that when viewed in another way, it can actually be a privilege and a blessing. When my mom got sick, there were so many medical appointments and my dad and I were dealing with hospice and it really ground us down. I would get angry at my sister frequently for just running away and totally dropping the ball.

But there were these moments where something would be so humorous or so beautiful, and I would have never seen those moments if I had run away from my mother's cancer. There was one time when I was visiting her in the hospital, and the light shone on her face as she told me a story about her father. I'll never forget it - the beauty shining through the heartbreak. There were times that my dad and I faced moments that brought out the blackest humor in both of us and bonded us together like soldiers. And I felt sorry for my sister that she would never experience these things.

So the times where you have to deal with the paperwork as you end the DP, you are completing a mourning ritual. You're not putting a band-aid on the pain with another relationship, because nobody puts a band-aid on a wound that cuts sharp and deep. You examine it, you apply ointment, you make sure it heals. All the steps you are taking to put a formal end to the relationship are part of that process.

It sounds very much that your partner has not done that and she will pay. It won't be on your timeline, and it may very well be that when it does happen you will feel pity for her. But you will also have moved on.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I think it's the way that everything has played out that makes it hard for me to let go, even though I know that this is now out of my hands and something I need to move past. The second/final breakup happened a little over a month ago but we still had intermittent contact to tie up loose ends. But I think there will be no more contact from now on.

I think something that I have a different opinion on is the idea of always feeling that "in love" feeling with someone. Because I feel like that feeling goes up and down depending on life circumstances that might not have to do with the relationship. If someone is mad or super stressed out for example, it might be hard to feel that in love feeling. That in love feeling also has a lot to do with excitement and newness, I think. And although a long term relationship can become routine and boring, I think that pouring energy into it to reinvigorate it can definitely revive it. But this is a moot point here in my situation because both people have to want this.

It does hurt a lot because I feel like she has this tendency to run away and ignore things whenever life gets hard instead of confronting the issues. When her grandma died she just suppressed her emotions and didn't want to talk about it. I think she has a number of resentments towards me over a couple of things, but one big event in particular, which she gets emotionally upset when I bring it up. But when I talk to my friends about it, they say that these aren't really big issues and that normal couples should be able to work them out. In terms of a midlife crisis, we are not at that age yet as we are both close to 30. But we were about to go further into our commitment with each other; there was a lot of talk about marriage and children in our near future. But she ran off to pursue a younger guy who's 21 and a lot of fun but who is very different from her (ex of glaringly obvious life view differences: he voted for trump, she's very anti-trump).

I know that not everything is related to alcoholism. But the amount of emotional dysregulation that she experienced when she said like she logically wanted to work things out, but emotionally felt out of control and couldn't handle it makes me question otherwise. I'm not sure if this was an excuse on her part or what? I think this is why it's been hard for me to let go. I know that I deserve better than someone who would cheat and lie and emotionally manipulate me. But if this is a manifestation of her illness and being a dry drunk, where does this leave me? If she works through her resentments towards me is she going to find the love she has for me leftover? I think this is where the false hope and unwillingness to let go is coming from :/

This really spoke to me. Thank you.

Losthelp - Thank you for the kind words. One day I am certain that you will do the same for someone suffering heartbreak.

I was twenty-eight when my ex-fiance broke up with me.

If you were planning to run a marathon, would you pay somebody else to do the training for you?

If you were diagnosed with cancer, does it do you any good if somebody else gets the chemo?

She has to do the work. You cannot do it for her. And she may say that she's going to meetings and doing therapy, but do you have any verification that this is actually true?

Guess what. If she does, SHE has to prove to you that she is worthy of your trust. SHE has to make the effort to woo you again. She has to acknowledge the pain she caused you because that is one of the MANY ways she will have to prove to you that she has actually learned to face her demons.

And it's not because you're seeking retribution. You're not seeking revenge.
You are being perfectly reasonable to expect her to do these things.

When you spend your life with someone, you are investing time and your heart into that relationship. So when you start dating, you start at Step 0 and both people assess if a future relationship is worth that investment. She took your heart and ground it into a bloody pulp. You're starting at Step -15.

But if this is a manifestation of her illness and being a dry drunk, where does this leave me? If she works through her resentments towards me is she going to find the love she has for me leftover? I think this is where the false hope and unwillingness to let go is coming from :/

Understandable. Man, resentment can sure kill relationships; any kind of relationship, really, not just romantic ones.

There are some 'ifs' here that you have no control over and may never get answers to. Trying to answer these last questions is a bit like predicting the future and I don't know her or you, so cannot rightly say.

Where does this leave you?

One thing I can encourage you with though is to live your life as if it truly is over because based on what you DO know it is. Be as good to yourself as you can-go no contact; try to put her out of your mind as best you can.

So you got the ILYBINILWY Speech. I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a pretty common excuse from cheaters. My XAH was also a cheater. Although I used his alcoholism as an excuse for his bad behavior for a long time, I realized that some things are separate issues. One thing that is similar, however, is that alcoholics and cheaters don't seem to take responsibility for their own actions. This forum helped me heal myself from the effects of his drinking. www.chumplady.com helped me with the effects of his cheating. Chumplady is not everyone's cup of tea, but she helped me realized that cheating is on the cheater, not you! It's not a mid-life crisis, it's not that the relationship sours, it's not stress in their life. There are many other things they could do in that case--talk, break-up, meditate, therapy, etc. But they choose to cheat because that is just who they are. This is not on you. Please continue to read here and maybe check out the site I gave you. There is a great life in store for you without her and her drama. I promise.

I think the ' I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a pretty common thing for people to think who have a pretty immature notion of what live is. Since working on recovery I've grown to think of Love more as an action word. A verb. It's romantic connotations that I held onto for so long (making myself miserable howling for the moon) dissipated. A loving relationship is generally quite different to the romantic idea of 'being in love' that we are sold as children. It can be hard work. Often the gratification is far from instant. And when I was active in my alcoholism I just could not see the worth in anything that involved self-sacrifice, hard work, or delayed gratification. I still now question my sanity about staying in my long term relationship as my partner is still very alcohol driven, so it can feel like a lonely old trek at times, but I know that I owe amends and anyway, I don't need to make any decisions until I DO know the answers.

Anyway. In short, I suspect that if I was not working my program, and able to find peace in myself,my too would likely be snatching for instant gratification from elsewhere. Possibly sexual or relationship focussed, or perhaps through other transference. To be honest, if she is unwilling to put the work into her recovery you've dodged a bullet anyway. I know it must hurt at the moment, but sobriety without recovery is a painful road, both for the person that is walking it, AND their hostages. At least you're no longer her hostage. As for her new partner - in the words of B.A. Baracus, "I pity the fool!"

Thank you everyone for your words. Once again, I found a lot of comfort in them and am trying to find the strength and resolve to do the only thing I can do at this point -- move on.

One sad thought that keeps lingering in my mind is that now that she's finally going to all her aa meetings, got a new sponsor, and doing therapy (heard through the grapevine from a mutual friend which I know, I shouldn't have my ear out for more information about her), she'll get better and will be able to sustain a long term relationship and work through their problems with someone else :/ Sad thought to me because I still feel like our problems were fixable...

losthelp...believe half of what you see...and none of what you hear...
(an old saying)