Coping with loneliness
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Ituvia 
He didn't think I was worth changing for.
Only he can change him.
Only you can change you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't for a second doubt how awful you feel. And no, a person doesn't simply "get over it" by willing it so.
It isn't what he did to you, though, that is the source of all this pain. I'm glad you're working with the therapist. I'm just suggesting some things that worked for me when I was grieving the end of a relationship. Another thing I did was to allow myself a block of time each day feel sorry for myself, cry, rant, whatever. That's part of the process, too. But it shouldn't be all that you do. Try to do some positive things for yourself every day. You are more than this relationship. Its end isn't a reflection of your worth as a person. Try to shift the focus of your thoughts. With practice it becomes easier. You have gifts, talents, good qualities. Nurture those. Remind yourself about them. Get the focus off "how could he do this to me" and onto "how can I be my best self." Relationships come and relationships go--the one constant in your life is YOU. Invest in it.
It isn't what he did to you, though, that is the source of all this pain. I'm glad you're working with the therapist. I'm just suggesting some things that worked for me when I was grieving the end of a relationship. Another thing I did was to allow myself a block of time each day feel sorry for myself, cry, rant, whatever. That's part of the process, too. But it shouldn't be all that you do. Try to do some positive things for yourself every day. You are more than this relationship. Its end isn't a reflection of your worth as a person. Try to shift the focus of your thoughts. With practice it becomes easier. You have gifts, talents, good qualities. Nurture those. Remind yourself about them. Get the focus off "how could he do this to me" and onto "how can I be my best self." Relationships come and relationships go--the one constant in your life is YOU. Invest in it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ituvia.....you have never heard me say "Just get over it"...because I know it is not that easy. I know that rumating about every aspect of the lost relationship is a task of grieving....and, everybody does it...for several weeks to months.
I will agree that it is true, that work place aquaintanences and others do get tired of the broken record, after a certain point, and, it is best to not talk to them about the details. The do not understand.
That is what SR and your therapist, and groups like alanon and therapy groups are for. You need to talk about it to someone. Have you done the wailing wall exercise? that is excellent to get the negative energy out.
You absolutely need human contact...outside of work. I know you don't like to "step out" because you are depressed and. perhaps a bit of an introvert...but, isolation is your enemy, right now.
Even if you don't feel like it...it is important to push yourself to take baby steps to get out into the world, more. Even if it is just going for a walk or having a coffee in a café, or going window shopping. You can also, think of volunteering, somewhere. I am sure that you have the ability to help someone.....and, it gives you the important human contact....perhaps a belly dancing class...or helping out at an art gallary....or helping to tend one of the many beautiful gardens, in your country. something....something.....
Now is the time to develop new habits of living and new interests.....
It is important to understand that action comes before feeling. don't wait to feel like doing something before you take action....Grit your teeth, do the action.....and then, the good feeling will follow. Action before feeling.....
You might, also, need to see your therapist more often, for a while....say, two times a week ......
Set some short term goals for yourself...what would those be, if you did?
There is so much that you can do to ease some of the misery......and, we will help you with it, if you will let us.....
Others, here, have been in your same situation.....
I will agree that it is true, that work place aquaintanences and others do get tired of the broken record, after a certain point, and, it is best to not talk to them about the details. The do not understand.
That is what SR and your therapist, and groups like alanon and therapy groups are for. You need to talk about it to someone. Have you done the wailing wall exercise? that is excellent to get the negative energy out.
You absolutely need human contact...outside of work. I know you don't like to "step out" because you are depressed and. perhaps a bit of an introvert...but, isolation is your enemy, right now.
Even if you don't feel like it...it is important to push yourself to take baby steps to get out into the world, more. Even if it is just going for a walk or having a coffee in a café, or going window shopping. You can also, think of volunteering, somewhere. I am sure that you have the ability to help someone.....and, it gives you the important human contact....perhaps a belly dancing class...or helping out at an art gallary....or helping to tend one of the many beautiful gardens, in your country. something....something.....
Now is the time to develop new habits of living and new interests.....
It is important to understand that action comes before feeling. don't wait to feel like doing something before you take action....Grit your teeth, do the action.....and then, the good feeling will follow. Action before feeling.....
You might, also, need to see your therapist more often, for a while....say, two times a week ......
Set some short term goals for yourself...what would those be, if you did?
There is so much that you can do to ease some of the misery......and, we will help you with it, if you will let us.....
Others, here, have been in your same situation.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I want to hate him. I want to think I am better than this. I want to be able to look him in the eye and ask him to f*ck off but I keep going back and forth. Just pathetic with no self respect or self worth. I think I held on because I didn't want to admit that this is yet another failed relationship. And because I thought this is it. FML.
You say you keep going back and forth - love him want him back vs hate him for what he's done.
We can't stand idle in the doorway and expect anything to change or move in anyone direction. We are not in and we are not out - just standing with what seems an inability to move at all.
You hate that he/this relationship has all this power over you then take a stand! Pick a side, be in or be out..........you get to make this decision not him.
I can understand your friends becoming frustrated at witnessing your demise over him and this relationship. They love and care about YOU, they want what is best for YOU, they do not want to see YOU hurt and so unhappy and sad. They don't love him, they don't like him, they don't like how he has treated you, how he acts towards you and especially how he's hurt you. They want their friend back, they want to have a good time and enjoy you out having fun with them.
I've got to tell you, I had a friend who's 10 year relationship ended when her live in BF met someone else. She couldn't let go of it, months and months years and years later any time we invited her to come out with us we all felt like we were attending a wake/funeral. While we were all talking about our kids, jobs, life she was rehashing the same things she rehashed the week after he left her. He left her about 4 years ago and as recently as a month ago she was still talking about him, still analizing him and his new relationship and pretty much still in morning, it was so sad.
Sometimes we do need to push ourselves to participate in life other wise life will continue to pass on by.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
I don't want to end up being that person.
You're right about self-revelations. I think the reason I was able to bounce back from my previous relationships was because I had rebounds and this time, I do not want to have a relationship for a while. I want to focus on what's making me unhappy within. That's why I sought a therapist. I've always had the feeling that something isn't quite right inside. Like I feel sad all the time and lonely even in some of the past relationships. When I met my now XABF I thought this was it. Because we connected so well. Looking back now, he sorta rushed into it all. Said "I love you" after just two weeks and started staying over every day etc. It felt nice to be wanted, I suppose but the foundation wasn't strong for him. I took my time to say the L word and even told him that I have to take it slow because I do not want to have my heart broken. I hate that he knows all of this and still just left. My father was here and he felt horrible for me.
In our country living together is frowned upon and my father felt bad that XABF just got off scot-free taking all the things he wanted and even asked my dad for the security deposit. I told him that if someone wants to leave, being married isn't going to stop them, anyway.
I know that even if he gets sober, it's going to an uphill battle. Constant fear of relapse and the fact that he just up and left once means he might do it again and whatnot. My mind *knows*. I also know that the hurt that he caused me by not breaking up directly won't go away ever and I would never be able to trust him fully and I feel stupid for clinging on to the past. Memories, mostly. But those memories are also distorted, I think. Good times were followed by fights, me walking out or kicking him out, hitting him when he got drunk and drove etc. Knowing all this should be enough to move on but somehow it's not.
You're right about self-revelations. I think the reason I was able to bounce back from my previous relationships was because I had rebounds and this time, I do not want to have a relationship for a while. I want to focus on what's making me unhappy within. That's why I sought a therapist. I've always had the feeling that something isn't quite right inside. Like I feel sad all the time and lonely even in some of the past relationships. When I met my now XABF I thought this was it. Because we connected so well. Looking back now, he sorta rushed into it all. Said "I love you" after just two weeks and started staying over every day etc. It felt nice to be wanted, I suppose but the foundation wasn't strong for him. I took my time to say the L word and even told him that I have to take it slow because I do not want to have my heart broken. I hate that he knows all of this and still just left. My father was here and he felt horrible for me.
In our country living together is frowned upon and my father felt bad that XABF just got off scot-free taking all the things he wanted and even asked my dad for the security deposit. I told him that if someone wants to leave, being married isn't going to stop them, anyway.
I know that even if he gets sober, it's going to an uphill battle. Constant fear of relapse and the fact that he just up and left once means he might do it again and whatnot. My mind *knows*. I also know that the hurt that he caused me by not breaking up directly won't go away ever and I would never be able to trust him fully and I feel stupid for clinging on to the past. Memories, mostly. But those memories are also distorted, I think. Good times were followed by fights, me walking out or kicking him out, hitting him when he got drunk and drove etc. Knowing all this should be enough to move on but somehow it's not.
Originally Posted by atalose
I think you are on to some self revelations, you hung on because you didn't want another failed relationship.
You say you keep going back and forth - love him want him back vs hate him for what he's done.
We can't stand idle in the doorway and expect anything to change or move in anyone direction. We are not in and we are not out - just standing with what seems an inability to move at all.
You hate that he/this relationship has all this power over you then take a stand! Pick a side, be in or be out..........you get to make this decision not him.
I can understand your friends becoming frustrated at witnessing your demise over him and this relationship. They love and care about YOU, they want what is best for YOU, they do not want to see YOU hurt and so unhappy and sad. They don't love him, they don't like him, they don't like how he has treated you, how he acts towards you and especially how he's hurt you. They want their friend back, they want to have a good time and enjoy you out having fun with them.
I've got to tell you, I had a friend who's 10 year relationship ended when her live in BF met someone else. She couldn't let go of it, months and months years and years later any time we invited her to come out with us we all felt like we were attending a wake/funeral. While we were all talking about our kids, jobs, life she was rehashing the same things she rehashed the week after he left her. He left her about 4 years ago and as recently as a month ago she was still talking about him, still analizing him and his new relationship and pretty much still in morning, it was so sad.
Sometimes we do need to push ourselves to participate in life other wise life will continue to pass on by.
You say you keep going back and forth - love him want him back vs hate him for what he's done.
We can't stand idle in the doorway and expect anything to change or move in anyone direction. We are not in and we are not out - just standing with what seems an inability to move at all.
You hate that he/this relationship has all this power over you then take a stand! Pick a side, be in or be out..........you get to make this decision not him.
I can understand your friends becoming frustrated at witnessing your demise over him and this relationship. They love and care about YOU, they want what is best for YOU, they do not want to see YOU hurt and so unhappy and sad. They don't love him, they don't like him, they don't like how he has treated you, how he acts towards you and especially how he's hurt you. They want their friend back, they want to have a good time and enjoy you out having fun with them.
I've got to tell you, I had a friend who's 10 year relationship ended when her live in BF met someone else. She couldn't let go of it, months and months years and years later any time we invited her to come out with us we all felt like we were attending a wake/funeral. While we were all talking about our kids, jobs, life she was rehashing the same things she rehashed the week after he left her. He left her about 4 years ago and as recently as a month ago she was still talking about him, still analizing him and his new relationship and pretty much still in morning, it was so sad.
Sometimes we do need to push ourselves to participate in life other wise life will continue to pass on by.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Knowing all of that is the beginning of moving on, not the totality of it.
The next step is accepting in your heart the things your mind knows to be true. It will take time. You are getting closer all the time.
The next step is accepting in your heart the things your mind knows to be true. It will take time. You are getting closer all the time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Ituvia - you are stepping out of that doorway!!!! another self revelation!!!
I think part of the reason we look back and focus on only the good memories is a form of denial. A denial of the bad we were unable to properly deal with. A denial to ourselves of why we did tolerate all the crap.......we justify the crap with the BUT there were also good times as well.
I think for so many of us we are programmed to think differently until we learn new healthier skills when approaching life and relationships. We tend to think rescue, fix, help, support and stick by others who seem to need the help. Healthier people recognize rather quickly the red flags in other people and retreat in order to protect their hearts and continue on living a healthy life. We often see those red flags as "help me" signals and we rush in, we stay and endure, we become so enmeshed in others we lose ourselves along the way.
These little things we discover about ourselves make the biggest differences in our lives moving forward.
For every time you remember a good time with him, write down 2 bad times. Keep a journal going and you will be amazed how quickly it fills up with all the bad stuff and how the good time memories begin to fade.
Memories, mostly. But those memories are also distorted,
I think for so many of us we are programmed to think differently until we learn new healthier skills when approaching life and relationships. We tend to think rescue, fix, help, support and stick by others who seem to need the help. Healthier people recognize rather quickly the red flags in other people and retreat in order to protect their hearts and continue on living a healthy life. We often see those red flags as "help me" signals and we rush in, we stay and endure, we become so enmeshed in others we lose ourselves along the way.
These little things we discover about ourselves make the biggest differences in our lives moving forward.
For every time you remember a good time with him, write down 2 bad times. Keep a journal going and you will be amazed how quickly it fills up with all the bad stuff and how the good time memories begin to fade.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I think the point that alalose makes is a BIg one. That we see the red flags as "help me".....and rush in to start fixing and rescuing......
Along the same lines, I have read (in co-dependent no more)...that if you rescue someone that you shouldn't---you will become the victim before it is all over......
Along the same lines, I have read (in co-dependent no more)...that if you rescue someone that you shouldn't---you will become the victim before it is all over......
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by atalose
For every time you remember a good time with him, write down 2 bad times. Keep a journal going and you will be amazed how quickly it fills up with all the bad stuff and how the good time memories begin to fade.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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I've written pros and cons like 5 times the past two months. I just don't understand how it's possible to think about someone every second. I just can't bear this much hurt. The anxiety/Anti-depressants are hardly helping. It's been a week. I spent all five years in this city with him so everything reminds me of him. Every cafe, restaurant, and even grocery stores. This morning I thought how I'd never be able to hold him and had a breakdown.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
I like atalose and olow's method of writing bad stuff down.
I'm only going to add, I put some stuff on Memo in my phone.
Immediate access. Plus it dates it, reminds you (cause we convienently forget-less painful) how long the bad chit they either said or did was happening.
I'm only going to add, I put some stuff on Memo in my phone.
Immediate access. Plus it dates it, reminds you (cause we convienently forget-less painful) how long the bad chit they either said or did was happening.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by atalose
II've got to tell you, I had a friend who's 10 year relationship ended when her live in BF met someone else. She couldn't let go of it, months and months years and years later any time we invited her to come out with us we all felt like we were attending a wake/funeral. While we were all talking about our kids, jobs, life she was rehashing the same things she rehashed the week after he left her. He left her about 4 years ago and as recently as a month ago she was still talking about him, still analizing him and his new relationship and pretty much still in morning, it was so sad.
.
.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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I am so scared of taking my SSRIs. My friend says I might lose natural coping mechanisms and that there are other ways to treat whatever it is that is being treated. I am just freaked out by anything and everything and everyone has an opinion about every damn thing. I just wish this whole relationship never happened. It has triggered so many problems for me and he is just going on with his life as if I never existed.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Is this friend a medical professional or a psychologist? If not, she has no business giving you medical advice. From what I understand, SSRIs don't interfere with "natural coping mechanisms"--I know people who have benefitted from them on a temporary basis. If you didn't have problems with depression or mood swings before, you probably won't have to take them forever, but any changes in your medications should be discussed with your doctor.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Lexiecat, I've always felt sad and I feel like I've never been happy all through my adult life. And this breakup seems to have triggered something inside.
I told my therapist about this too. He hasn't given me a diagnosis and I just hope that it doesn't f*ck with my already messed up mind.
I told my therapist about this too. He hasn't given me a diagnosis and I just hope that it doesn't f*ck with my already messed up mind.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
A diagnosis isn't the end of the world. Many conditions such as depression or bipolar disorder are very treatable, and the treatment can make your life better than it ever was before. So look at this as an opportunity--just as it takes something dramatic to get an alcoholic's attention about the need to get sober, it takes the rest of us some kind of crisis to realize we have to do something to change it.
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You're right. Even though I met with a Psychiatrist years ago because I wasn't feeling right, I never followed up. But this time I am determined to find out what kind of depression it is. I guess I have to deal with both breakup and the issue within me at the same time.
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