Strange Conversation with AH last night...
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Strange Conversation with AH last night...
So last night I come home and as I'm driving into the garage, I can already see the top of the bottle. He made a deal to quit drinking if we had sex more (insert eyeroll here) which I knew wasn't going to happen so it wasn't too big of a disappointment. He made the deal and I agreed so that it wouldn't seem like I don't believe in him. But I don't.
We get into a discussion about why I quit al-anon. My friend (whose alcoholic mother abused her through her childhood and then committed suicide right after graduation) said some really derogatory things about the people in al-anon. I took it personally because I've learned to love those people more than I thought I could love strangers. I didn't want to carry that baggage with me when I went, so I skipped a few meetings to cool off. Then after skipping a few meetings I was disappointed with myself, and felt like I was disappointing the group (I know I'm being irrational, well aware of my insanity) and just never went back. Fortunately, a "repeat client"'s mom came in yesterday and I shared a small bit of my story with her so she didn't feel so alone. She cried and I invited her to al-anon this weekend. So I am going back (thank goodness). Back to the conversation:
I explained this to him (he wasn't drunk yet, had only had two drinks and was reasonable to talk to in the beginning). I discussed my concerns about his drinking and my mental health (because I can't seem to let go and let him fall on his own). I explained how I was worried about where his bottom would be, seeing as his sgt already knew about his drinking problem. Any other sgt would have fired him on the spot and we could have lost everything. He got lucky. He responded that he wouldn't have a "bottom", that he would just wake up one day and want to quit. I then dropped the bomb. I told him that I wouldn't wait for him to wake up forever and that he needed to be aware of that and that I loved him and would always love him. But I wouldn't stay waiting for things to change for another 20 years. He said he understood and that he was just asking me to hold on a little longer. He doesn't want to wake up with liver failure in 20 years either.
Then he had another drink.
him: "Being addicted to alcohol isn't any different than being addicted to cigarettes"
me: "Except one affects our relationship and the other doesn't"
him: "But when you're dying from lung cancer it will!!!"
me: "Drinking affects your personality and my feelings towards you, smoking doesn't do the same for you. If it bothered you or affected our relationship, I would quit in a heartbeat"
him: "Well let's make it a competition then! You quit smoking, I'll quit drinking"
me:"You can't quit for a competition or for me, you have to quit for yourself."
He ended up talking me into competing, which I guess can't hurt since I have no expectations, plus I've been wanting to quit smoking anyway. I feel like things have gotten to the point where I just really don't care anymore. I've got a truck and a fifth wheel lined up to buy, looking at enrolling in online college courses to finish my degree so I can work remotely. Everything is in order and ready for me to take the plunge, I just have to get there mentally.
I just needed to share, so thank y'all for listening/reading and staying with me through all of this. This site has been such a blessing to me and I'm so thankful to have found it and all of you lovely people.
We get into a discussion about why I quit al-anon. My friend (whose alcoholic mother abused her through her childhood and then committed suicide right after graduation) said some really derogatory things about the people in al-anon. I took it personally because I've learned to love those people more than I thought I could love strangers. I didn't want to carry that baggage with me when I went, so I skipped a few meetings to cool off. Then after skipping a few meetings I was disappointed with myself, and felt like I was disappointing the group (I know I'm being irrational, well aware of my insanity) and just never went back. Fortunately, a "repeat client"'s mom came in yesterday and I shared a small bit of my story with her so she didn't feel so alone. She cried and I invited her to al-anon this weekend. So I am going back (thank goodness). Back to the conversation:
I explained this to him (he wasn't drunk yet, had only had two drinks and was reasonable to talk to in the beginning). I discussed my concerns about his drinking and my mental health (because I can't seem to let go and let him fall on his own). I explained how I was worried about where his bottom would be, seeing as his sgt already knew about his drinking problem. Any other sgt would have fired him on the spot and we could have lost everything. He got lucky. He responded that he wouldn't have a "bottom", that he would just wake up one day and want to quit. I then dropped the bomb. I told him that I wouldn't wait for him to wake up forever and that he needed to be aware of that and that I loved him and would always love him. But I wouldn't stay waiting for things to change for another 20 years. He said he understood and that he was just asking me to hold on a little longer. He doesn't want to wake up with liver failure in 20 years either.
Then he had another drink.
him: "Being addicted to alcohol isn't any different than being addicted to cigarettes"
me: "Except one affects our relationship and the other doesn't"
him: "But when you're dying from lung cancer it will!!!"
me: "Drinking affects your personality and my feelings towards you, smoking doesn't do the same for you. If it bothered you or affected our relationship, I would quit in a heartbeat"
him: "Well let's make it a competition then! You quit smoking, I'll quit drinking"
me:"You can't quit for a competition or for me, you have to quit for yourself."
He ended up talking me into competing, which I guess can't hurt since I have no expectations, plus I've been wanting to quit smoking anyway. I feel like things have gotten to the point where I just really don't care anymore. I've got a truck and a fifth wheel lined up to buy, looking at enrolling in online college courses to finish my degree so I can work remotely. Everything is in order and ready for me to take the plunge, I just have to get there mentally.
I just needed to share, so thank y'all for listening/reading and staying with me through all of this. This site has been such a blessing to me and I'm so thankful to have found it and all of you lovely people.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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actually not STRANGE at all, pretty much text book when talking to an alcoholic about their drinking. deflect, deny, minimize, rationalize.
you tell him you've just about reached the end of your rope.
he has another drink.
He ended up talking me into competing
no he didn't. you choose to go along with his insanity. if you want to quit smoking, you can and will do so, regardless of what he does. he now has made you responsible for his drinking and will use that to his advantage. in fact he will use anything as an excuse. this CAN go on for another 20 years or more, unless one of you takes action. i suspect you are almost there!
you tell him you've just about reached the end of your rope.
he has another drink.
He ended up talking me into competing
no he didn't. you choose to go along with his insanity. if you want to quit smoking, you can and will do so, regardless of what he does. he now has made you responsible for his drinking and will use that to his advantage. in fact he will use anything as an excuse. this CAN go on for another 20 years or more, unless one of you takes action. i suspect you are almost there!
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You're right, I did choose to go along with his sanity and I'm completely capable of quitting smoking by myself. I've done it before. Reading back over it, it does seem pretty textbook lol, I guess it was just strange to me because it was a new kind of discussion that we hadn't had before. Oh well. I hope I'm getting there. I'm hoping getting back into al-anon will help too. I'm tired. At 24 I'm quite simply exhausted of all the nonsense.
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Yeah, my ex said he would quit drinking if I quit "being so controlling." I started Alanon, and he quit for maybe 12 days that time.
5 years later, he was still drinking a quart of vodka per day.
He got exactly what he wanted - for him to continue drinking while I just shut up about it.
Try and imagine what your life would be like without walking on eggshells, without feeling like you're on pins and needles all the time, without trying to get through work after a sleepless night worrying or fighting or trying to sleep next to someone drunk, without being so focused on someone elses problems that your killing yourself, without dreading going home, without being afraid to leave them alone, without the smell and sounds of alcoholism around you.
THere is peace, serenity, and JOY on the other side of this! Get back to those meetings, and keep posting. You deserve a much better life!
5 years later, he was still drinking a quart of vodka per day.
He got exactly what he wanted - for him to continue drinking while I just shut up about it.
Try and imagine what your life would be like without walking on eggshells, without feeling like you're on pins and needles all the time, without trying to get through work after a sleepless night worrying or fighting or trying to sleep next to someone drunk, without being so focused on someone elses problems that your killing yourself, without dreading going home, without being afraid to leave them alone, without the smell and sounds of alcoholism around you.
THere is peace, serenity, and JOY on the other side of this! Get back to those meetings, and keep posting. You deserve a much better life!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Thank you Firebolt <3 I've been thinking a lot about leaving lately, how peaceful it would be. I just have to get my head wrapped around actually taking action.
One day, my body took over - my mouth said the words - NO MORE, and my body took action and I moved out. It was surreal....my brain caught up after I sat down in my unpacked , settled and peaceful new apartment...where I was breathing fresh, non alcohol and BO smelling air. The sound of bottles and cans cracking open was gone, there had not been one raised voice in my vicinity for over a month, my dog was peaceful, my space clean...and my brain and heart finally accepted the fact that I had chosen to live in chaos, verbal abuse, and irrational crazy town for 5 years.
You'll get there - meetings help! Counseling helped me. All the codependency books helped me - and this place is a God send. Hang in there! Good good things are on the other side of this!!!
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Originally Posted by SaveYourHeart 
I've got a truck and a fifth wheel lined up to buy, looking at enrolling in online college courses to finish my degree so I can work remotely. Everything is in order and ready for me to take the plunge, I just have to get there mentally.
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I just have to get my head wrapped around actually taking action.
or you could just physically move forward into action....your head is firmly attached, it will GO WITH YOU!
sometimes we have to ACT AS IF. no different than a drunk who first puts down the bottle.....they have no idea HOW to be sober, HOW to stay sober, they just ACT AS IF they ARE sober people.
you are so right, this is no life for a 24 year old. you should be in that fifth wheel in some gorgeous scenic campground, studying, getting all zen and grubby from the campfire.
oh and...........can you take me with you????
or you could just physically move forward into action....your head is firmly attached, it will GO WITH YOU!
sometimes we have to ACT AS IF. no different than a drunk who first puts down the bottle.....they have no idea HOW to be sober, HOW to stay sober, they just ACT AS IF they ARE sober people.
you are so right, this is no life for a 24 year old. you should be in that fifth wheel in some gorgeous scenic campground, studying, getting all zen and grubby from the campfire.
oh and...........can you take me with you????
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Originally Posted by firebolt
I always felt the same way too. In fact, I don't know that my head ever fully wrapped around it all before I left. I would argue myself crazy between KNOWING I needed to go, and the "but I LOVE hims!!!."
Someone posted this at SR some time ago, and I saved it. Maybe you'll like it too:
"You don't need to let go of all your fear before you are ready to experience love. You can pick up your fears in your arms and carry them into the love with you. For once you step into love, fear shows itself up for the illusion it's always been, and love is all that remains." - Eric Pearl "The Reconnection"
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Thanks everyone, I'm always in awe by all the wisdom y'all bring to these posts, there's so much I still don't know and so much I need to learn. I didn't make it to al-anon this weekend but I'm going tomorrow night for sure. I miss being there and being surrounded by people who understand. Thank you for supporting me, I don't know where I would be right now without these forums.
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