Besties no more update #3
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 11
Besties no more update #3
He probably drunk texted me talking about how he didn't want me hanging out with guys. Which was what he needed time to think about; if I was really going to be serious. Everything is fine and cool for a couple more days until he tells me his sister will be staying for a month with him. Cool, no big deal.
One night, his sister was somewhere else so I stayed over. Next night she's there and he wants me to stay. I felt uncomfortable cuz it's a small place (1 bedroom). I told him that and that I didn't want to stay tonight and he became highly upset. He got a big attitude and told me that I couldn't even come to hangout. So I dropped him off at home and went on my way. He didn't contact me for over 2 days (it's about 1:30am now so technically today starts day 3).
I texted him saying I'll pick him up after work. I normally do when we're on good terms, but I hadn't heard from him. He got off of work and saw my car and walked by it to go to his sister's car. I felt so upset. I pulled over at a gas station and they showed up. He locked eyes with me and made sure I saw that he silenced his phone in his pocket before going inside. All I saw was RED! I wanted to go in there and make a scene, but I'm too much of a good person. The fact that he can ignore my texts, calls, and voicemails infuriates me. I had written him a letter days ago and sent it about what I needed in a relationship. And now it'll probably get there tomorrow. He always drinks a lot when he's with his sister and then that's usually when I get angry texts. I did leave some angry voicemails because I needed to say that it was rude and that I don't deserve to be treated like this.
I hate how he makes me feel this way. I've been single for a long time in the past and I just want someone to spend some days with or a place to escape to when things are too crazy at home.
It's funny cuz I consult a psychic who is spot on about when he contacts me every time. Why can't I be important?
One night, his sister was somewhere else so I stayed over. Next night she's there and he wants me to stay. I felt uncomfortable cuz it's a small place (1 bedroom). I told him that and that I didn't want to stay tonight and he became highly upset. He got a big attitude and told me that I couldn't even come to hangout. So I dropped him off at home and went on my way. He didn't contact me for over 2 days (it's about 1:30am now so technically today starts day 3).
I texted him saying I'll pick him up after work. I normally do when we're on good terms, but I hadn't heard from him. He got off of work and saw my car and walked by it to go to his sister's car. I felt so upset. I pulled over at a gas station and they showed up. He locked eyes with me and made sure I saw that he silenced his phone in his pocket before going inside. All I saw was RED! I wanted to go in there and make a scene, but I'm too much of a good person. The fact that he can ignore my texts, calls, and voicemails infuriates me. I had written him a letter days ago and sent it about what I needed in a relationship. And now it'll probably get there tomorrow. He always drinks a lot when he's with his sister and then that's usually when I get angry texts. I did leave some angry voicemails because I needed to say that it was rude and that I don't deserve to be treated like this.
I hate how he makes me feel this way. I've been single for a long time in the past and I just want someone to spend some days with or a place to escape to when things are too crazy at home.
It's funny cuz I consult a psychic who is spot on about when he contacts me every time. Why can't I be important?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I know I'm sounding like a broken record, but this guy is DANGEROUS. You should NOT be trying to resume a relationship with him.
Hanging out with an abuser is NOT a way to relieve loneliness or boredom. If you want to date someone, find some activities that will attract people you'll share interests with. Meet lots of people. Work on upping your standards so you aren't willing to accept this kind of treatment from a man in your life.
Hanging out with an abuser is NOT a way to relieve loneliness or boredom. If you want to date someone, find some activities that will attract people you'll share interests with. Meet lots of people. Work on upping your standards so you aren't willing to accept this kind of treatment from a man in your life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
LB,
If your friend told you this story, what would you tell her?
Is this normal? Is this a healthy relationship? Do you want to play this game with him for the rest of your life? You are expecting normal behavior from an addict. It will never happen, so you need to lower your expectations. There is no normal with an addict.
You have two options, you can continue the dance with him and get upset, angry, hurt and everything else that goes with a relationship with an addict. Or you can move on, work with a therapist and hit some meetings and better yourself.
What he does to you is spiteful. No man or women should be treated in that manner. You my friend, are worth so much more then the few crumbs he is throwing you. You will be ok. I walked away from a long time relationship and it hurt like hxll. Don't be like me and live on "hope" that they will turn in to that magical wonderful man that you once knew, it just doesnt happen. Keep reading this forum and you will understand that.
If your friend told you this story, what would you tell her?
Is this normal? Is this a healthy relationship? Do you want to play this game with him for the rest of your life? You are expecting normal behavior from an addict. It will never happen, so you need to lower your expectations. There is no normal with an addict.
You have two options, you can continue the dance with him and get upset, angry, hurt and everything else that goes with a relationship with an addict. Or you can move on, work with a therapist and hit some meetings and better yourself.
What he does to you is spiteful. No man or women should be treated in that manner. You my friend, are worth so much more then the few crumbs he is throwing you. You will be ok. I walked away from a long time relationship and it hurt like hxll. Don't be like me and live on "hope" that they will turn in to that magical wonderful man that you once knew, it just doesnt happen. Keep reading this forum and you will understand that.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
This sounds extremely toxic, to the point of being obsessed with this person. You really need to stop talking to him and start getting support from alanon or a therapist. You don't really want to live your life like this, do you?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I hate how he makes me feel this way. I've been single for a long time in the past and I just want someone to spend some days with or a place to escape to when things are too crazy at home.
Believe me when I say, he is not an escape from the crazy at home, he’s the crazy road show you keep chasing after.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Why can't I be important?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Instead of personalizing his (deep, serious) issues and labeling youself "unimportant", would it not be better to accept that he cannot give you the relationship you want and move on?
I understand when you're single for a long time it feels like any relationship is better than none. But when you end up in a relationship like this it comes at a terrible price: it costs you a trusting, respectful, loving relationship with YOURSELF that is foundation of true happiness.
I understand when you're single for a long time it feels like any relationship is better than none. But when you end up in a relationship like this it comes at a terrible price: it costs you a trusting, respectful, loving relationship with YOURSELF that is foundation of true happiness.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
perhaps instead of focusing outward on someone you cannot fix or change, you should start closer to home. you sound young, so i'm not sure of your "home" circumstances, but it might be in your own best interests to work towards independence and having your own place? that way you are not relying upon someone else to entertain or distract you, nor would you be driven to LEAVE the home.
no one will treat you as you deserve unless you treat YOURSELF with respect. and that means not constantly throwing yourself into a bad relationship or attempted relationship with someone who does not respect you, yanks your chain, has been violent and abusive towards you. those are things you CAN control.
no one will treat you as you deserve unless you treat YOURSELF with respect. and that means not constantly throwing yourself into a bad relationship or attempted relationship with someone who does not respect you, yanks your chain, has been violent and abusive towards you. those are things you CAN control.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Lovebug7 
He probably drunk texted me talking about how he didn't want me hanging out with guys.
I hate how he makes me feel this way.
Why can't I be important?
I hate how he makes me feel this way.
Why can't I be important?
1st one- saying ya cant hang out with guys- that isn't from someone lookin for a relationship- its from someone taking a hostage and setting a ransom- you stop hanging out with guys is the ransom. when that's met another ransom will happen.
second one- he makes you feel that way.
not really- you are making you feel that way- you are allowing this to happen.
3rd one-you can be important! you can be important to YOU. IF you get out of the insanity, as in out of the relationship, then you can start working on you. you can get YOURSELF mentally and emotionally healthy. you can fix you instead of trying to fix others. you can become comfortable in your own skin and love yourself, which you deserve.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi Lovebug,
I get how hard it is, I really do... I accepted A LOT of bad behavior including abuse and infidelity from my XAH before I finally said enough is enough.
I texted him saying I'll pick him up after work. I normally do when we're on good terms, but I hadn't heard from him. He got off of work and saw my car and walked by it to go to his sister's car. I felt so upset. I pulled over at a gas station and they showed up. He locked eyes with me and made sure I saw that he silenced his phone in his pocket before going inside. All I saw was RED! I wanted to go in there and make a scene, but I'm too much of a good person. ^^^^ I felt so angry at him and so sad for you reading this....
If your best friend told you this story, what would you tell her?
It's really hard to see things clearly when you're in the thick of it, I know it was for me, but this man is treating you horribly and it's not going to get better.
You are important and you deserve so much better than this.
Big big hugs
I get how hard it is, I really do... I accepted A LOT of bad behavior including abuse and infidelity from my XAH before I finally said enough is enough.
Originally Posted by Lovebug7
I texted him saying I'll pick him up after work. I normally do when we're on good terms, but I hadn't heard from him. He got off of work and saw my car and walked by it to go to his sister's car. I felt so upset. I pulled over at a gas station and they showed up. He locked eyes with me and made sure I saw that he silenced his phone in his pocket before going inside. All I saw was RED! I wanted to go in there and make a scene, but I'm too much of a good person.
If your best friend told you this story, what would you tell her?
It's really hard to see things clearly when you're in the thick of it, I know it was for me, but this man is treating you horribly and it's not going to get better.
You are important and you deserve so much better than this.
Big big hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
I totally get it. It took me hitting rock bottom several times before I let go of my toxic relationship. You deserve so much better and he isn't going to change. Reach out to family, friends, or whoever you find supportive. Don't try to understand his behavior. Focus on doing things for yourself. Keep posting here.
Take care!
Take care!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Lovebug7, just to write / say it out loud: trying to tell you who you can hang out with is controlling; it is not love. It's not because he loves you, it's not because he has trust issues. It's not because he loves you so much that he gets jealous. It's because he's controlling and abusive.
The reason he walked past you to his sister and silenced his phone as you watched isn't because you're not important. (Because you ARE. And you SHOULD be to the person you're in an intimate relationship with.) It's because he's abusive.
I spent 16 years with AXH. He always told me he loved me, that I was his best friend. The person he couldn't live without. He always told his friends the same. So I believed him. I heard what he said and listened to it above everything he did.
The first few years together were the best. And I don't mean to say they were idyllic, happy, rosy, wonderful. It's simply that things never got better. We were married for 10 years, and probably the last 5 or 6 years, I spent absolutely miserable and scared and hurt. I tried for years to figure out why treated me the way he did. What had I done? How/where was I less than I should be which caused him to treat me that way? How could I change to make it so he would treat me better?
So please know, I'm not pointing out that he's controlling and abusive because I think it's something you should already know. It's to point out that it's so very easy to not see when you're in the middle of it all. It's so easy to stay because "it's not that bad" or you think that you know *this* and it might not be any better than *that*. It's so easy to just stay because you think the problem is you, or his drinking, and not really him, and if you only find a way to be or do better, he'll treat you better. Only that's not the way it works with abusive partners.
There is nothing you could do to make him treat you better. He will NOT suddenly realize how important you truly are and treat you better from that point on. At the VERY best, he'll be nice long enough for you to let your guard back down - or until he gets tired of being "so accommodating" - and then go right back to being an a--. It's not you. It's him.
I also understand wanting some place to go to get away from your home. It's entirely possible that there are other options available to you that you haven't thought of yet. (In high school, my best friend lived with my family for about a year until others in her family could step in, because her step-dad was abusive.) If you haven't, you might consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or a local DV resource. There is also a chat option on their website (The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support) or at LoveIsRespect.org (Loveisrespect | empowering youth to end dating abuse). They won't make you do anything, but can help you find options and plan. Stay safe and take gentle care of yourself. ((((hugs)))) if OK.
The reason he walked past you to his sister and silenced his phone as you watched isn't because you're not important. (Because you ARE. And you SHOULD be to the person you're in an intimate relationship with.) It's because he's abusive.
I spent 16 years with AXH. He always told me he loved me, that I was his best friend. The person he couldn't live without. He always told his friends the same. So I believed him. I heard what he said and listened to it above everything he did.
The first few years together were the best. And I don't mean to say they were idyllic, happy, rosy, wonderful. It's simply that things never got better. We were married for 10 years, and probably the last 5 or 6 years, I spent absolutely miserable and scared and hurt. I tried for years to figure out why treated me the way he did. What had I done? How/where was I less than I should be which caused him to treat me that way? How could I change to make it so he would treat me better?
So please know, I'm not pointing out that he's controlling and abusive because I think it's something you should already know. It's to point out that it's so very easy to not see when you're in the middle of it all. It's so easy to stay because "it's not that bad" or you think that you know *this* and it might not be any better than *that*. It's so easy to just stay because you think the problem is you, or his drinking, and not really him, and if you only find a way to be or do better, he'll treat you better. Only that's not the way it works with abusive partners.
There is nothing you could do to make him treat you better. He will NOT suddenly realize how important you truly are and treat you better from that point on. At the VERY best, he'll be nice long enough for you to let your guard back down - or until he gets tired of being "so accommodating" - and then go right back to being an a--. It's not you. It's him.
I also understand wanting some place to go to get away from your home. It's entirely possible that there are other options available to you that you haven't thought of yet. (In high school, my best friend lived with my family for about a year until others in her family could step in, because her step-dad was abusive.) If you haven't, you might consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or a local DV resource. There is also a chat option on their website (The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support) or at LoveIsRespect.org (Loveisrespect | empowering youth to end dating abuse). They won't make you do anything, but can help you find options and plan. Stay safe and take gentle care of yourself. ((((hugs)))) if OK.
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