Supposed to move in 3 days.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Supposed to move in 3 days.....
I'm supposed to move into an apartment in which I have a 6 month lease in 3 days and my AH, who previously seemed understanding of my decisions kind of lost it over the weekend and was really upset. I'm just having this rush of feelings and mourning over all of the good things in our relationship and it is making me question myself.
It also doesn't help that everyone that knows questions my decision. His family just pulls the wool over their eyes and pretends there is no problem. My family LOVES AH and I get the "are you sure this is a good move?" "But he really doesn't drink that often and no one is perfect", etc. My dad is a proud AH and will never ever understand so I just haven't said anything to him.
I was not planning on pursuing divorce right away, and had viewed this as time apart to work on ourselves and playing it by ear. My husband used to drink a lot, and he has toned it down to only occasionally, but it literally comes from nowhere and is generally pretty bad (drinking and driving, drinking at work or with kids, etc). He just isn't seemingly putting addressing it as a high priority or seeking any external help at all. He is a great dad and a decent husband when sober, which is a lot. These relapses are brutal though. And no one understands them. I literally cannot describe to people that don't deal with alcoholics what it feels like to be on the phone with drunk AH while he is driving around begging him to pull over. Or being lied to in the face repeatedly that everything is fine when it is not. Or after a few months sober, the blow of disappointment and hopelessness when coming home on a random Tuesday to find AH working from home drunk. Or to find out he was impaired when he picked the kids up from school. People don't get what that does to trust, intimacy, and sanity.
I've never felt more confused or alone in my life. I literally feel myself just shutting everyone out, which is not what you are supposed to do at times like this.
Support or encouraging stories welcome
It also doesn't help that everyone that knows questions my decision. His family just pulls the wool over their eyes and pretends there is no problem. My family LOVES AH and I get the "are you sure this is a good move?" "But he really doesn't drink that often and no one is perfect", etc. My dad is a proud AH and will never ever understand so I just haven't said anything to him.
I was not planning on pursuing divorce right away, and had viewed this as time apart to work on ourselves and playing it by ear. My husband used to drink a lot, and he has toned it down to only occasionally, but it literally comes from nowhere and is generally pretty bad (drinking and driving, drinking at work or with kids, etc). He just isn't seemingly putting addressing it as a high priority or seeking any external help at all. He is a great dad and a decent husband when sober, which is a lot. These relapses are brutal though. And no one understands them. I literally cannot describe to people that don't deal with alcoholics what it feels like to be on the phone with drunk AH while he is driving around begging him to pull over. Or being lied to in the face repeatedly that everything is fine when it is not. Or after a few months sober, the blow of disappointment and hopelessness when coming home on a random Tuesday to find AH working from home drunk. Or to find out he was impaired when he picked the kids up from school. People don't get what that does to trust, intimacy, and sanity.
I've never felt more confused or alone in my life. I literally feel myself just shutting everyone out, which is not what you are supposed to do at times like this.
Support or encouraging stories welcome
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Try these on for size, batchel:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html
There's a whole forum full of stories, and all the stuff in the stickies. Read and read some more.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html
There's a whole forum full of stories, and all the stuff in the stickies. Read and read some more.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Sometimes the only way to get clarity on a relationship is to get some distance from it, and time.
You do not have to justify your choices to anyone. It's hard when other people think they know your marriage better than you do. These are the times when a therapist or Al-Anon can be indispensible.
You do not have to justify your choices to anyone. It's hard when other people think they know your marriage better than you do. These are the times when a therapist or Al-Anon can be indispensible.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think having mixed emotions is very normal when we take a new step forward in life. And as you said, this could be a separation not the total end. Only time will tell you on that one.
Are you living your life to be happy and please yourself or are you living your life to please these other people who question your decision to take care of yourself?
Again these people don’t have to get it……….you got it and understand it and that’s all that matters.
Once you stop trying to make everyone else happy and start focusing on making yourself happy, life get a whole lot better!!!
Live for YOU and your children NOT FOR OTHER PEOPLE.
Are you living your life to be happy and please yourself or are you living your life to please these other people who question your decision to take care of yourself?
These relapses are brutal though. And no one understands them.
No one has to understand them except you! Stop living to please others and begin pleasing yourself.
No one has to understand them except you! Stop living to please others and begin pleasing yourself.
Or to find out he was impaired when he picked the kids up from school. People don't get what that does to trust, intimacy, and sanity.
Once you stop trying to make everyone else happy and start focusing on making yourself happy, life get a whole lot better!!!
Live for YOU and your children NOT FOR OTHER PEOPLE.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
batchel....it is common to start second guessing yourself when push comes to shove....it is common to start minimizing.....to start rationalizing that it isn't "that bad".....Read around, and you will see that same thing described, hundreds of times, here on the forum....
These other people...do they lie awake at night, worrying like you do, over his behavior when he is drunk? Are these people willing to go to pick up your kids after school when he decides to drink? If he gets in an accident, and, hurts himself or others...and gets a DWI...will they help deal with the aftermath for you? Will they take care of your legal liabilities, also?
Probably not...
they can make any comment or projections that they want to...because they don't live with the consequences....
They can talk to you later, after they have walked a mile in your shoes....
It is best to talk to those who have been in your shoes and understand, beyond words, what you are dealing with.....
These other people...do they lie awake at night, worrying like you do, over his behavior when he is drunk? Are these people willing to go to pick up your kids after school when he decides to drink? If he gets in an accident, and, hurts himself or others...and gets a DWI...will they help deal with the aftermath for you? Will they take care of your legal liabilities, also?
Probably not...
they can make any comment or projections that they want to...because they don't live with the consequences....
They can talk to you later, after they have walked a mile in your shoes....
It is best to talk to those who have been in your shoes and understand, beyond words, what you are dealing with.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
batchel.....one more thought....write down the top things that have gotten you to this point, on a piece of paper. Carry it with you, at all times. Read it, every thime you get weak in the knees....
You might need to read it a dozen times a day, at first......
It works....
You might need to read it a dozen times a day, at first......
It works....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Sounds to me like you you are doing the best possible thing for the safety of you and the kiddos. You are exactly right, unless people have gone through it, they have no understanding of the push / pull of being in an alcoholic relationship. And frankly, I didn't realize the damage it did to me until I was well out of it. THink of how you and the kids will thrive in a NON VOLATILE environment!! HUgs to you - you are doing the right thing!
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