Two steps forward, one step back
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Two steps forward, one step back
Having a rough day today, folks. Three weeks away from AH. Kids still doing well.
We moved back to the area we lived in previously with AH. When I end up in places we frequented together (like I did today), nostalgia brings tears to my eyes. He hasn't been "that" man for years, but he definitely was much better when we lived here in the past. I miss who he was. Or who I believed him to be. I miss the pre-alcoholic man that I married.
Anyway...I don't want him back. Ever. But the emotional tugs at the heartstrings are really challenging at times. I'm trying to busy myself with other things. Keeping focused on my children. Those rotten teary moments still break through at times, though. And I feel like curling up in a ball and crying for a while.
Honestly, I think what gets me the most is that I fear never knowing unconditional love with a significant other. True partnership. Someone I can rely on through thick and thin. Or maybe I'm expecting myself to be further down the road to codependent recovery by now. I know that three weeks isn't a long time in the whole scheme of things. Anyway...two steps forward, one step back, I suppose. Just came here to post because I knew that I would be understood. Here's to a better day tomorrow; not just for me, but for all of you who may have struggled today as well.
We moved back to the area we lived in previously with AH. When I end up in places we frequented together (like I did today), nostalgia brings tears to my eyes. He hasn't been "that" man for years, but he definitely was much better when we lived here in the past. I miss who he was. Or who I believed him to be. I miss the pre-alcoholic man that I married.
Anyway...I don't want him back. Ever. But the emotional tugs at the heartstrings are really challenging at times. I'm trying to busy myself with other things. Keeping focused on my children. Those rotten teary moments still break through at times, though. And I feel like curling up in a ball and crying for a while.
Honestly, I think what gets me the most is that I fear never knowing unconditional love with a significant other. True partnership. Someone I can rely on through thick and thin. Or maybe I'm expecting myself to be further down the road to codependent recovery by now. I know that three weeks isn't a long time in the whole scheme of things. Anyway...two steps forward, one step back, I suppose. Just came here to post because I knew that I would be understood. Here's to a better day tomorrow; not just for me, but for all of you who may have struggled today as well.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
musiclady....this is very typical of the grieving period....I can give you dozens of examples from my life and of other people that I know.....
It is so similar to grieving the death of a loved one....
Curling up in a ball and crying for a while is exactly what you need to do....as often as you need to do it...
being able to tell someone else how you are feeling, helps also....people need to talk to others...understanding others...when they are grieving....
Of course, you can find love...responsible love...true partnership...with another significant other....if that is what you want....
I know that I did.....
It is so similar to grieving the death of a loved one....
Curling up in a ball and crying for a while is exactly what you need to do....as often as you need to do it...
being able to tell someone else how you are feeling, helps also....people need to talk to others...understanding others...when they are grieving....
Of course, you can find love...responsible love...true partnership...with another significant other....if that is what you want....
I know that I did.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I had a thoroughly rotten day today, too, musiclady, although mine was work related and I have finally (19+ months after leaving) have achieved a measure of peace and healthy detachment from my STBXAH. Like you, never ONCE since leaving did I EVER want to reconcile, but sharing a child makes it challenging and messy to truly disentangle emotionally overnight.
Things WILL get better. You WILL be happier, and those tugs of nostalgia will become less painful. And you're right--coming here where we all completely get it makes a huge difference. I remember how alone I felt for so, so long.
As far as unconditional love goes, there is endless love out there for you, whether it is romantic, or familial, or friendship. Part of my recovery has been opening my heart to it from every corner of life, instead of expecting STBXAH to be the end-all, be-all of my universe.
Wishing you peace and comfort tonight. May the universe be gentle with you tomorrow.
Things WILL get better. You WILL be happier, and those tugs of nostalgia will become less painful. And you're right--coming here where we all completely get it makes a huge difference. I remember how alone I felt for so, so long.
As far as unconditional love goes, there is endless love out there for you, whether it is romantic, or familial, or friendship. Part of my recovery has been opening my heart to it from every corner of life, instead of expecting STBXAH to be the end-all, be-all of my universe.
Wishing you peace and comfort tonight. May the universe be gentle with you tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Things will get better. It's okay to be sad.
I was in a relationship years ago that started off great and went south. But I didn't want to give up on it.
Until I finally did.
Swore off men for life. Life!
I met the man who would become my significant other and husband the very next day.
Life is a funny old dog sometimes.
I was in a relationship years ago that started off great and went south. But I didn't want to give up on it.
Until I finally did.
Swore off men for life. Life!
I met the man who would become my significant other and husband the very next day.
Life is a funny old dog sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
start by making sure you can rely upon YOURSELF......that your decisions won't run thru the filter of "the other" FIRST, but that you do and choose what is best for YOU and the CHILDREN.
when and if the time is right, someone may come into your life. your strong, sturdy, already excellent life. and IF that person enhances your life, they may be allowed to enter into the inner circles. you should have a series of concentric circles around you, like ever smaller hula hoops, and one has to pass a series of tests to be allowed any closer.
trust me hon, NO relationship is a picnic 365/24/7. there will always be some conflict, differences of opinion, tugs and pulls. there will be money issues, kid issues, health issues, car issues, what's for dinner issues. fights over the remote.....yes i know it's opening day for our BB team, but it is also the NCAA championship and our little ZAGS are there for the first time in team history????? (just sayin').
you are going to be ok, darlin. it's early days. things will happen. you wil have good days, bad days and "eh" days. you will remember....and you will forget.
when and if the time is right, someone may come into your life. your strong, sturdy, already excellent life. and IF that person enhances your life, they may be allowed to enter into the inner circles. you should have a series of concentric circles around you, like ever smaller hula hoops, and one has to pass a series of tests to be allowed any closer.
trust me hon, NO relationship is a picnic 365/24/7. there will always be some conflict, differences of opinion, tugs and pulls. there will be money issues, kid issues, health issues, car issues, what's for dinner issues. fights over the remote.....yes i know it's opening day for our BB team, but it is also the NCAA championship and our little ZAGS are there for the first time in team history????? (just sayin').
you are going to be ok, darlin. it's early days. things will happen. you wil have good days, bad days and "eh" days. you will remember....and you will forget.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I completely relate to this. Life was not all horrible times with my XAH, and certainly when I would go places we had been together, especially as a family, I would get nostalgic. I found when I replaced those memories with new ones, it got easier!
Hugs!
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Please consider that a painful, sad, or sentimental day is still a step FORWARD.
Like others above said - it's part of the process. You are allowed to be sad - you've ended a marriage. It is difficult, painful, and sad - no matter how RIGHT it is!
Theres a book called conquering Codependency and Shame that helped me alot - with squashing some negative self talk, learning to nurture myself, and figuring out which thoughts are really ME, and which are the sick parts of me talking.
I hope today is better for you, and if it'n not, I hope you be very gentle with yourself. You have been through a lot!
Like others above said - it's part of the process. You are allowed to be sad - you've ended a marriage. It is difficult, painful, and sad - no matter how RIGHT it is!
Theres a book called conquering Codependency and Shame that helped me alot - with squashing some negative self talk, learning to nurture myself, and figuring out which thoughts are really ME, and which are the sick parts of me talking.
I hope today is better for you, and if it'n not, I hope you be very gentle with yourself. You have been through a lot!
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