Karivan

Hi everybody. I just really need to talk about this. You might have read my posts last week when I found out my AH is going to internet porn sites. I got a hotel room for a couple of days and thought about things, ready to kick him out, and then let him stay when he said he would go to AA and counseling. He went to AA on Tues. and tomorrow we have a counseling session at our church. Everyday I've come home to a clean house and dinner and a cheerful A. He said he hasn't had a drink in 3 weeks but I saw on the bank statement that he had gone out to dinner while I was gone and spent $27. That's not just for food...he had drinks with dinner. I've been so friggin' depressed... not because of that but because I'm kicking myself for letting him stay.

I thought I had a handle on his drinking and was starting to be able to detach but when I found out he was visiting porn sites it was like a kick to the stomach. I think I was actually in shock for awhile. I thought no matter what he does, he's at least honest but I found out he's a liar and a deceiver.

I let him stay because I hope for his sake he can get clean but I don't know how much there's left of this marriage. We're sleeping in different rooms and when he tried to get lovey, I told him I need my space and don't touch me.

I'm reading Codependent No More and also her book Codependent's Guide to the 12 Steps and trying to work the step... I say step, because I'm on number one. I really wanted him to leave.. I didn't want to deal with this anymore. He has let me down so many times and I don't want to be hurt anymore.

I can't stand his cheerfulness... I want him to be punished! I want him to be miserable! I know that's codie talk but his happiness is really irritating me. I don't want to get sucked back into a happy marriage then be dropped for beer and porn again. I really don't think I can ever trust him again. How do you live with a guy you can't trust? How do you go on and fix a broken marriage? Right now I don't even want to! I'm seriously considering moving out so I can have some space. Although I think he should be the one to move. Speaking as a codie, he will probably have a better chance of getting clean by staying in his familiar surroundings with the dogs. I'm the stronger person but I want my house! But I don't want to see him everyday... I just want to be at peace...

Anyway, thanks for listening to this long post. I hope the counseling session at church goes well tomorrow. If they tell me to submit to my H, I'll walk out.

Gabe

Karivan,
Believe it or not, no matter how much you're hurting right now, you are having a healthy reaction to what is going on.
You shouldn't feel good about being second place to his drinking.
You shouldn't feel good about being second place to his juvenile interest in internet porn.
Feeling bad about this is okay.
Pay attention. This is your best self talking to you.
Do what you need to do to make your life happy.
And for God's sake, make him go and stay in your house.
His chances of getting clean do not depend on his surroundings.
They depend on his desire to stay clean.
Big hugs,
Gabe

Magichappens

Kari,
I know this is a confusing and painful time. I am praying for answers and clarity for you soon. Keep reaching out and keep focussing on your recovery. This too shall pass. You won't be in this pain forever. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Big hugs, Magic

Magichappens

I don't know if you've read this thread, but it might help: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=34760

Peaches04

Hi Karivan.. I'm so sorry for your pain and frustration. I saw in your post where you said "I thought no matter what he does, he's at least honest but I found out he's a liar and a deceiver." I have always thought the same thing about my husband - he never lied to me the whole time we dated, and I thought while we were married - which was one of the reasons I fell in love with him. Now ofcourse, I have found out he's lied to me about smoking pot..so, you know that feeling (the lying) - now I wonder what else he has lied about. It's a sickening feeling, and I am so sorry you are having to go through it to. I think Gabe is right - you are having a healthy reaction. I wanted my AH to hurt too for all the pain he put me through. Through my recovery, I have been able to forgive him - not forget, but forgive. It's a struggle, and occasionally I think of things he has done in the past, and I am taken aback by that feeling of resentment and hurt! I don't know how we get completely past that? We are in counseling too, so I hope that will help. It's so hard to get past that - I don't know if they will ever understand how much damage a stupid lie can cause. My AH doesn't get it because he thinks that since he has never lied to me about anything 'important' and would never cheat on me, that he's a good husband. I don't know how to explain why I don't trust him...I'm hoping the counselor can verbalize that for me. Anyway, I'm sorry - been there - and I just hope you can find a peaceful place with or without him. Hugs to you sweetie!

Karivan

Thanks so much for your support. Magic, I've been off reading the thread you sent to me. I saw it when it was being written and I did read some of the posts, but I couldn't relate at the time. I can really relate now! My A says he's not an internet porn addict so I don't know if there is any hope. He also says he's not an alcoholic. Maybe counseling and AA will get through to him... I know I can't.

I swear... I don't know what I would be like if I hadn't found this site. It means so much to me that I've found people that understand. I'm going to start back to Alanon on Monday and I ... gasp .... maybe will find a meeting for the other addiction in his life. That's hard to face.

Hugs to you all