My first post. Bear with me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 5
My first post. Bear with me.
I'm fresh and new to this. My husband is currently completing inpatient recovery for alcoholism and it's day 9.
We got through the 7 day black out and a few days ago finally had our first call in what seemed forever ago. They are only ten minutes, but it's better than nothing at all. The first call went great, he sounded good, I felt good...but then the next day we had another call at which I cried and at some point he said to me "you sound different than you did yesterday. are you ok?" and obviously that's the last thing I want anyone (let alone him) to ask me. I'm tired of people looking at me a certain way or asking me questions.
I've cried a lot, but I feel myself moving towards anger and resentment. Today we had another call and he sounds so good. So positive, all the things that he hasn't been in a really long time. He's proud of himself and he wants to share those things with me. I love him, I support him, and I am so thankful that he is getting the care he needs. The healing he wants. But I'm jealous - he sounds so good and doing well and I'm not. The world is spinning around him while he's there and the reality is that everything has changed. I've changed. And the one person I want to share my feelings with I can't tell him (at least right now) what he's done to me, how this has affected me. He said to me yesterday "we will get through this and it will feel like a distant memory"...I thought a long time about that and yes we will absolutely get through this, but this will not be a distant memory. Reality check. This will always be here and it's a long road ahead - I'm just not in the mood to be a cheerleader right now. I need someone to worry about me, cheer me on and I know that can't be him right now.
My husband won't be returning to work for a little while after inpatient so he can complete some outpatient therapy. And it brings me back to when I worked so hard to get him through med school, he didn't have to work, I did. He studied and became Valedictorian of his class. And now with his job (kinda in limbo) I feel hurt, betrayed, and let down. I feel like everything I worked so hard for was taken away too.
I've been doing my research and it's nice to feel that I'm not alone in this. I am a fighter and I will continue to be strong, but I'm just not feeling it right now.
We got through the 7 day black out and a few days ago finally had our first call in what seemed forever ago. They are only ten minutes, but it's better than nothing at all. The first call went great, he sounded good, I felt good...but then the next day we had another call at which I cried and at some point he said to me "you sound different than you did yesterday. are you ok?" and obviously that's the last thing I want anyone (let alone him) to ask me. I'm tired of people looking at me a certain way or asking me questions.
I've cried a lot, but I feel myself moving towards anger and resentment. Today we had another call and he sounds so good. So positive, all the things that he hasn't been in a really long time. He's proud of himself and he wants to share those things with me. I love him, I support him, and I am so thankful that he is getting the care he needs. The healing he wants. But I'm jealous - he sounds so good and doing well and I'm not. The world is spinning around him while he's there and the reality is that everything has changed. I've changed. And the one person I want to share my feelings with I can't tell him (at least right now) what he's done to me, how this has affected me. He said to me yesterday "we will get through this and it will feel like a distant memory"...I thought a long time about that and yes we will absolutely get through this, but this will not be a distant memory. Reality check. This will always be here and it's a long road ahead - I'm just not in the mood to be a cheerleader right now. I need someone to worry about me, cheer me on and I know that can't be him right now.
My husband won't be returning to work for a little while after inpatient so he can complete some outpatient therapy. And it brings me back to when I worked so hard to get him through med school, he didn't have to work, I did. He studied and became Valedictorian of his class. And now with his job (kinda in limbo) I feel hurt, betrayed, and let down. I feel like everything I worked so hard for was taken away too.
I've been doing my research and it's nice to feel that I'm not alone in this. I am a fighter and I will continue to be strong, but I'm just not feeling it right now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi dss14.
Your husband sounds like he's doing well and embracing recovery so far. Good for him.
What about you? His addiction happened to you, too, and you deserve recovery just as much as he does. Are you getting face-to-face real life support, perhaps from a therapist or Al-Anon?
You don't have to always be "the strong one." In fact, it's downright unhealthy to set your needs aside for other people's all the time. You have a right to your anger and resentment, and you have the right to not have to walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting him.
You CAN move past this, but not through HIS recovery. Only through your OWN.
Your husband sounds like he's doing well and embracing recovery so far. Good for him.
What about you? His addiction happened to you, too, and you deserve recovery just as much as he does. Are you getting face-to-face real life support, perhaps from a therapist or Al-Anon?
You don't have to always be "the strong one." In fact, it's downright unhealthy to set your needs aside for other people's all the time. You have a right to your anger and resentment, and you have the right to not have to walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting him.
You CAN move past this, but not through HIS recovery. Only through your OWN.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Welcome to SR dss14! Glad you found us! Being in love with an alcoholic can be a very lonely and frustrating thing and it's good to know you're not alone. My only advice to you is to keep posting and go to al-anon and work on your recovery. <3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 114
I am super new here, as well. Thank you for sharing your story. The support I have received here so far has been amazing. It took me over 10 yrs to finally find strength and realize I didn't have to stay in my situation. I will be a work in progress. I can only say that posting in here and looking for support is a great start. Good luck to you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I second the recommendation of Al-Anon--it was a real lifeline for ME when I was dealing with the immediate aftermath of a crisis.
You can be happy for him and still keep the focus on you, and your own healing. You're right, he's got a whole team there to cheer him on. You need a team of your own. Unloading your resentment and anger on him won't help either one of you. But you DO need to unload it--it's a crappy thing to have to lug around, and it will only drag you down.
Hugs, glad you're here.
You can be happy for him and still keep the focus on you, and your own healing. You're right, he's got a whole team there to cheer him on. You need a team of your own. Unloading your resentment and anger on him won't help either one of you. But you DO need to unload it--it's a crappy thing to have to lug around, and it will only drag you down.
Hugs, glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He's not the only one who needs recovery. Alcohol has has a great affect on your life as well. How about you jump into your own recovery via al-anon, therapy, counseling...something and keep the focus on you and let him focus on him. If you both recover then the hope that is some where down the road you come together both with new perspectives on alcoholism and dealing with that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Goodness you sound exactly the way I have felt throughout this whole mess. I always found it funny/strange/insulting/ironic/fill in the blank, when the ABF would get sober after the last binge and while getting treatment ask me on the phone, "are you ok? you sound like something is wrong". I would just explode at this because I couldn't believe how clueless he could be that I was supposed to sound like my happy chipper self after he just destroyed me for yet another round. He always wants me to plug myself back into the life we had before he would do something awful. And expected me to be the same.
Living with your alcoholic changes you. They can be delusional in thinking that what they do doesn't change anything or anyone. They want so badly their disease to be contained, but it is impossible. It eats up everyone around them. You lose a piece of yourself as the loved one. You no longer feel close to them because the disease has them in their grips. You no longer trust them either. You expect that the partner in your life will support you and be your rock, but when that rock is made out of air it's difficult not to feel a little lost and very much alone. It's lonely living with an addict. It's a merry-go-round of disappointment. I told my therapist that I feel like a rubber band. Promises made, an while I don't believe them anymore I sometimes forget and get comfortable, until I am proven wrong as I always am. It really changes a person. It's hard not to become bitter and resentful.
The best advice I can give you is to get to Alanon and get a good therapist to help YOU. We are so emeshed in the addict's sickness that we often forget our own. I think about that a lot when I spend my energy and time trying to understand his illness and I forgot that I too am sick and going through a trauma I need to find healing from. We are engulfed in trying to help and save them...but whose helping and saving us? We have to. Just like they have to.
Living with your alcoholic changes you. They can be delusional in thinking that what they do doesn't change anything or anyone. They want so badly their disease to be contained, but it is impossible. It eats up everyone around them. You lose a piece of yourself as the loved one. You no longer feel close to them because the disease has them in their grips. You no longer trust them either. You expect that the partner in your life will support you and be your rock, but when that rock is made out of air it's difficult not to feel a little lost and very much alone. It's lonely living with an addict. It's a merry-go-round of disappointment. I told my therapist that I feel like a rubber band. Promises made, an while I don't believe them anymore I sometimes forget and get comfortable, until I am proven wrong as I always am. It really changes a person. It's hard not to become bitter and resentful.
The best advice I can give you is to get to Alanon and get a good therapist to help YOU. We are so emeshed in the addict's sickness that we often forget our own. I think about that a lot when I spend my energy and time trying to understand his illness and I forgot that I too am sick and going through a trauma I need to find healing from. We are engulfed in trying to help and save them...but whose helping and saving us? We have to. Just like they have to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 5
Thank you guys for all your love and support. I've already been looking at Al-Anon meetings, but the timing doesn't work great, but I'm trying to work something out with work so I'm able to make it. I've also been looking a books. If anyone has any books or blogs that really helped them...I'm all ears.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
dss- I've been in Al-Anon for four years now but just bought the book Getting Them Sober. I highly recommend it! I wish I had read it years ago. It also goes along with the Al-Anon program and contains much of the same information. Another good book is Co-Dependment No More by Melody Beatty.
Edited to add- do try to make it to an Al-Anon meeting. Having face to face contact is so very helpful!
Edited to add- do try to make it to an Al-Anon meeting. Having face to face contact is so very helpful!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
There was a vast amount of denial I had to work through before
I began my recovery in ernest. I had to "see" that it would take much
more than a heart felt apology and remorse on his part before I
could get myself back.
I accepted that my thinking had become skewed, my locus
of control had become external as opposed to a healthy internal.
I needed help and my own recovery became my priority, independent
of his addiction or recovery.
I found this forum (a blessing beyond belief).
I read many books on codepency, alcoholism, personality disorders, and
adult children of alcoholics (some more than once because I was able to
process so much at a time), I joined alanon, got a sponsor & i am working
the steps. I have a therapist as well that I go to as needed.
I also experienced a spiritual renewal and my HP is my rock.
This all has led to a much needed place of peace, understanding,
self compassion and clarity. Problems remain, but I am different
and no longer feel stuck.
I hope you take your recovery seriously, you deserve peace and
joy in your life. It is a process, painful at times to be sure, but
nothing valuable is ever easy. It takes time and you have to stick
with it and really want it for yourself. Hugs and prayers to you.
I began my recovery in ernest. I had to "see" that it would take much
more than a heart felt apology and remorse on his part before I
could get myself back.
I accepted that my thinking had become skewed, my locus
of control had become external as opposed to a healthy internal.
I needed help and my own recovery became my priority, independent
of his addiction or recovery.
I found this forum (a blessing beyond belief).
I read many books on codepency, alcoholism, personality disorders, and
adult children of alcoholics (some more than once because I was able to
process so much at a time), I joined alanon, got a sponsor & i am working
the steps. I have a therapist as well that I go to as needed.
I also experienced a spiritual renewal and my HP is my rock.
This all has led to a much needed place of peace, understanding,
self compassion and clarity. Problems remain, but I am different
and no longer feel stuck.
I hope you take your recovery seriously, you deserve peace and
joy in your life. It is a process, painful at times to be sure, but
nothing valuable is ever easy. It takes time and you have to stick
with it and really want it for yourself. Hugs and prayers to you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
There are stages that we go through just like our husbands do. I used private therapy for my support and it was helpful to see the stages laid out in a hierarchy, imagine a pyramid filled with different emotions and based on different inputs coming at us. It helped me to talk through all of it with someone where I could get into the details of my life. It might also be helpful to know that later when your husband gets out of rehab, he will face different challenges, different inputs and sometimes it will be hard for him.
It has got easier for both myself and my husband. I do sort of have to agree with what your husband said. I feel like one day this will be a distant memory for us. To recover is to really go back to a normal life but one that is healthier. I cant move forward and live in the past.
I am not there yet, but by dealing with all the events that happened, and working together with my husband in family therapy it feels like we are getting there.
I hope things continue to go well for your husband, and I believe you will find your way because its obvious your seeking solutions that will help bring healing.
It has got easier for both myself and my husband. I do sort of have to agree with what your husband said. I feel like one day this will be a distant memory for us. To recover is to really go back to a normal life but one that is healthier. I cant move forward and live in the past.
I am not there yet, but by dealing with all the events that happened, and working together with my husband in family therapy it feels like we are getting there.
I hope things continue to go well for your husband, and I believe you will find your way because its obvious your seeking solutions that will help bring healing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: East Coast
Posts: 102
Hi DSS - I am few days late to this thread (was out of town 
) but I want to echo a few things you've heard here. I found myself in your shoes last summer and Al-Anon and Therapy have been life changing. So has this site and reading books like Codependent No More.
I do not know how your story will end, but I would keep expectations low for how your AH will react when he comes home. It was a really, really, really tricky time for me and my XAH (we're finalizing our divorce). Check out some of the "sticky" threads and feel free to look back at the threads I've started (some about how I was feeling while XAH was in rehab/between rehab stays).
We're all here for you!!! (((HUGS)))
) but I want to echo a few things you've heard here. I found myself in your shoes last summer and Al-Anon and Therapy have been life changing. So has this site and reading books like Codependent No More. I do not know how your story will end, but I would keep expectations low for how your AH will react when he comes home. It was a really, really, really tricky time for me and my XAH (we're finalizing our divorce). Check out some of the "sticky" threads and feel free to look back at the threads I've started (some about how I was feeling while XAH was in rehab/between rehab stays).
We're all here for you!!! (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
Hi DSS. I was several days in to inpatient care when I fully realized the extent of damage that my drinking had caused to my SO. Of course I knew that my drinking was causing major damage, but that is just one of many issues that I used alcohol to suppress and ignore. Ultimately, while I was at the facility, we spoke about this issue a lot and ultimately we both came to the conclusion that she needed to seek her own course of treatment and I needed to seek mine. I did and she did. That was 16 months ago and our relationship is stronger than it has ever been. I guess my main point is that happy endings are possible here.
My SO expressed her honest emotions to me while I was at the inpatient facility. Emotions ran from anger, embarrassment, and frustration to relief and happiness - but they were real and raw. They were difficult conversations, and it took me a bit of time to fully understand that it wasn't selfish of my SO to express her honest emotions to me, even if they added to my stress. Ultimately, these conversations were helpful to me to really understand the extent of damage that my drinking had done. It certainly added to my stress, and I know that she didn't want to make recovery harder than it already was, but I would rather take on that stress while still at an inpatient facility than after I had departed. I am thankful that she expressed these emotions to me while I was at the facility and focused solely on recovery, rather than allowing me to go through inpatient care under some sort of false sense that things would be great, or even good, when I returned to the real world. My personal opinion is that you should be honest in expressing your emotions and opinions to your husband while he is at the facility, but ultimately that is a decision that you will have to weigh and make based on your own circumstances. I know that others may feel as though you should not do anything to disrupt or add to the stress that your SO is under.
One of the most difficult things for my SO to deal with were the calls from the few people that knew where I was. They would call her, nearly daily, for an update on me. They would constantly express their support for me and ask about my welfare, but it just never occurred to them that she also needed support. And it angered her that they didn't even ask. All that I can say is what others already have - you need to build your own support network and seek your own course of recovery. Your husband is a smart dude - he most certainly realizes that you need to recover just as much as he does. Just keep in mind that he can only offer support for your recovery - you need to seek your own recovery.
I wish you and your husband the best.
My SO expressed her honest emotions to me while I was at the inpatient facility. Emotions ran from anger, embarrassment, and frustration to relief and happiness - but they were real and raw. They were difficult conversations, and it took me a bit of time to fully understand that it wasn't selfish of my SO to express her honest emotions to me, even if they added to my stress. Ultimately, these conversations were helpful to me to really understand the extent of damage that my drinking had done. It certainly added to my stress, and I know that she didn't want to make recovery harder than it already was, but I would rather take on that stress while still at an inpatient facility than after I had departed. I am thankful that she expressed these emotions to me while I was at the facility and focused solely on recovery, rather than allowing me to go through inpatient care under some sort of false sense that things would be great, or even good, when I returned to the real world. My personal opinion is that you should be honest in expressing your emotions and opinions to your husband while he is at the facility, but ultimately that is a decision that you will have to weigh and make based on your own circumstances. I know that others may feel as though you should not do anything to disrupt or add to the stress that your SO is under.
One of the most difficult things for my SO to deal with were the calls from the few people that knew where I was. They would call her, nearly daily, for an update on me. They would constantly express their support for me and ask about my welfare, but it just never occurred to them that she also needed support. And it angered her that they didn't even ask. All that I can say is what others already have - you need to build your own support network and seek your own course of recovery. Your husband is a smart dude - he most certainly realizes that you need to recover just as much as he does. Just keep in mind that he can only offer support for your recovery - you need to seek your own recovery.
I wish you and your husband the best.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
a bright friend that graduated from a very good california medical school and got very competitive surgical sub-specialty residency ended up homeless due to addiction.
he recovered though and is back to the world of the living. i also know a psychiatrist addiction specialist no less in recovery.
trying to tell a highly educated person they have a problem is very difficult cause they believe their iq makes them immune and they are also very adept at rationalizing.
the good news is the threat of losing a medical license is significant and often a motivating factor to sobriety. i will post some of this on the topic.
not easy but try to occupy your mind with other things. it takes about 90 days sober til the brain-normal mentation starts to come back so be patient.
he recovered though and is back to the world of the living. i also know a psychiatrist addiction specialist no less in recovery.
trying to tell a highly educated person they have a problem is very difficult cause they believe their iq makes them immune and they are also very adept at rationalizing.
the good news is the threat of losing a medical license is significant and often a motivating factor to sobriety. i will post some of this on the topic.
not easy but try to occupy your mind with other things. it takes about 90 days sober til the brain-normal mentation starts to come back so be patient.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by dss14 
Thank you guys for all your love and support. I've already been looking at Al-Anon meetings, but the timing doesn't work great, but I'm trying to work something out with work so I'm able to make it. I've also been looking a books. If anyone has any books or blogs that really helped them...I'm all ears.
Can read this book in an afternoon. it is excellent. understanding will empower you
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
