Sasha1972

A question because I'm new to this whole world of addiction:

How common is it for alcoholics to be completely delusional at some times, but somewhat competent adults at other times?

I'm asking because my alcoholic ex goes on long rants at me over email and text which just make no sense - telling me I'm accountable for the genocide of native Americans or accusing me of plotting to turn him in to Child Protective Services, for instance - but when our daughter is with him, things seem to go okay. She says he sleeps a lot and buys tons of things he doesn't need, but he's not obviously drinking or ranting, and she enjoys seeing him and spending time with him. (He does the same thing with his second ex-wife [yes, there are two ticked-off ex-wives and we talk] - sends her long messages about how he's going to get the police on her for stealing his cable box, for example - it would be funny if it weren't kind of disturbing).

Is it normal (maybe normal isn't the right word - "common"?) for alcoholics to be able to compartmentalize their problems, so that they direct their negative or irrational behavior towards some people, but able to have normal relationships with others? I don't know how much to worry about my daughter being with him - maybe he just takes his crazy out on me and ex-wife #2 but not when he's with her?

Forward12

Those with mental health issues are also very common to be alcoholics and drug abusers. From those types of rants, it sounds like he may be schizophrenic, possibly alcoholic "wet brain" or another mental issue.
I personally would not let my kid around an ex that is still an alcoholic. Is there a custody order from the courts?

Maudcat

Well, he doesn't sound good or healthy. Maybe it's the alcohol. Maybe it's something beyond that. You don't say ages. If he is older and has been drinking for a long time, then maybe some alcohol related dementia going on.
If he is not so old, then I would guess some form of mental illness.
Not a physician, so clearly can't speak to it with authority.
But I would be real careful about letting your child spend time with him unsupervised.

FeelingGreat

Sasha, the human mind can slip in and out of rationality. You see it in old people who might get a fever and become delusional, but be fine when they are well.

So yes, it's possible, and depends on whatever else is going on with him. Could be diet, illness, or some other aspect of his physical condition, because alcohol affects the whole body. It's very sad because they can go for years without obvious damage, but once it starts it can progress very quickly.

LexieCat

He might not be "delusional" at all--not in the sense that you're thinking, anyway. He might just be messing with you and the other ex (i.e., being abusive by making accusations). I'd certainly hold onto those emails of his, though, in case you find it necessary to stop visitation or make it supervised.

atalose

If we all responded with a "yes this is common behavior for an alcoholic" would that make placing your daughter into the hands of this person easier for you?

I think you need to listen to your gut on this one. You said you worry about your child with him and that right now he does not direct his crazy rants at her. I think depending on her age you need to prepare her for when he does.

Sasha1972

Thanks everyone. This is on my mind because in a couple of weeks I have to go out of town for business for several days. I've arranged that Kid will only be staying with her father for three nights, and I have a friend coming to stay with kid in my place for the rest of the time. Kid is very responsible and aware of her father's drinking problem; she's got a cellphone and the numbers of trusted friends who can bail her out if anything goes wrong.

This would be much simpler if Kid didn't want to stay with her father - but she does, she thinks he's wonderful and wants to spend the whole time with him (three days was my compromise, between having her stay with a friend the whole time or stay with her father the whole time). I'm still not thrilled about this. We have a divorce order which specifies 50/50 parenting (which I signed before I understood the depth of his addiction problem), but over the past year Kid has been living mainly with me because her father has been in and out of rehabs and unstable domestic situations. He's now got a somewhat more stable situation (has a lease on a decent apartment) and is anxious to rebuild his relationship with Kid.

I should say that as far as I know, ex has always behaved himself around Kid - I think he's aware on some level of what would happen if he slipped up (back to court, supervised visitation only).

Nonetheless, thanks for listening to me.

steve11694

alcoholism can produce a wide spectrum of behaviors including but not limited to those described by the op independent of possible coexisting mental illness.