Feeling like Alice and falling back down that Rabbit Hole
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
Feeling like Alice and falling back down that Rabbit Hole
I have been reading a lot of your posts and I appreciate them all.
I also, have been feeling like if I post something bad or not successful I will be rejected.
In reality I know you don't do that, but in my head I feel like I am disappointing everyone.
I'm scared again. I am feeling old, unattractive, lonely and so sad.
My friends are all married and I haven't been able to tell but two of them he left me over 2 mos ago. After going to AA and being sober for 6 mos. He says I made him drink and if he comes back I will cause him to relapse. I am ashamed and embarrassed.
He has a gf that he was cheating on me with while he was getting "sober". That pain still cuts so deep.
Thanks for listening
I also, have been feeling like if I post something bad or not successful I will be rejected.
In reality I know you don't do that, but in my head I feel like I am disappointing everyone.
I'm scared again. I am feeling old, unattractive, lonely and so sad.
My friends are all married and I haven't been able to tell but two of them he left me over 2 mos ago. After going to AA and being sober for 6 mos. He says I made him drink and if he comes back I will cause him to relapse. I am ashamed and embarrassed.
He has a gf that he was cheating on me with while he was getting "sober". That pain still cuts so deep.
Thanks for listening
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Aw, Dina,
Big hugs. You CERTAINLY won't be rejected here--we've ALL done things that don't fit with perfect recovery. Because you know what? NOBODY has "perfect recovery." It isn't linear. It's more like this.
I've been working on losing weight over the past year. So far I've lost 37 pounds (yay me!). But if you look at my day-to-day weight, it's gone up and down. There have been months where I've plateaued right around the same range of 3-4 pounds. But the overall trend has been toward my goal.
Recovery works like that. Sometimes you hit yourself upside the head and say, "Why did I DO that?" Sometimes you just feel sad or blah and can't quite put your finger on why that is. Other times you will have a flash of insight or realize you handled some difficult interaction JUST RIGHT. And you'll have moved a few steps further toward your goal.
The posts here are sort of a combination of asking for opinions/advice, venting, seeking a reality check ("am I crazy or is this what's happening?"), sharing victories and defeats. It's a mixed bag. And even the posts that seem critical are intended to just share what the poster him/herself learned from his/her own mistakes.
There's a lot of collective wisdom here. Some of it will be helpful to you and some may not. I think 99.9 percent of the time even posts that some off as harsh or poorly expressed come from a place of support and wanting to help.
So keep posting. You're in a trough right now. It's part of the process. You're not old or unattractive. You'll feel less sad and lonely with time. Those feelings are something you just gotta walk through. There are no shortcuts, though the less contact you have, the faster you will get through it.
ETA: You didn't "make him drink." I have no idea whether he is serious about recovery or not, but if he is, staying on his own might actually BE the best for him. It doesn't mean you would "make" him drink, but I know I'm very glad I was single when I got sober. Relationships are complicated and not everyone can handle one while trying to get sober. He might just be using the recovery thing as an excuse, of course, but in that case, too, you are better off without him because he will most certainly get worse before he gets better. If I were you, I'd start telling your friends you are now single. You don't have to share details with anyone that you don't want to. All you need to say is, "It didn't work out, I'm feeling a little bit down right now. When can we get together for lunch?"
Big hugs.
Big hugs. You CERTAINLY won't be rejected here--we've ALL done things that don't fit with perfect recovery. Because you know what? NOBODY has "perfect recovery." It isn't linear. It's more like this.
I've been working on losing weight over the past year. So far I've lost 37 pounds (yay me!). But if you look at my day-to-day weight, it's gone up and down. There have been months where I've plateaued right around the same range of 3-4 pounds. But the overall trend has been toward my goal.
Recovery works like that. Sometimes you hit yourself upside the head and say, "Why did I DO that?" Sometimes you just feel sad or blah and can't quite put your finger on why that is. Other times you will have a flash of insight or realize you handled some difficult interaction JUST RIGHT. And you'll have moved a few steps further toward your goal.
The posts here are sort of a combination of asking for opinions/advice, venting, seeking a reality check ("am I crazy or is this what's happening?"), sharing victories and defeats. It's a mixed bag. And even the posts that seem critical are intended to just share what the poster him/herself learned from his/her own mistakes.
There's a lot of collective wisdom here. Some of it will be helpful to you and some may not. I think 99.9 percent of the time even posts that some off as harsh or poorly expressed come from a place of support and wanting to help.
So keep posting. You're in a trough right now. It's part of the process. You're not old or unattractive. You'll feel less sad and lonely with time. Those feelings are something you just gotta walk through. There are no shortcuts, though the less contact you have, the faster you will get through it.
ETA: You didn't "make him drink." I have no idea whether he is serious about recovery or not, but if he is, staying on his own might actually BE the best for him. It doesn't mean you would "make" him drink, but I know I'm very glad I was single when I got sober. Relationships are complicated and not everyone can handle one while trying to get sober. He might just be using the recovery thing as an excuse, of course, but in that case, too, you are better off without him because he will most certainly get worse before he gets better. If I were you, I'd start telling your friends you are now single. You don't have to share details with anyone that you don't want to. All you need to say is, "It didn't work out, I'm feeling a little bit down right now. When can we get together for lunch?"
Big hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Alcohol is a trigger for an alcoholic, drugs are a trigger for a drug addict and "relationships" are a trigger for codependents.
And it sounds like you are obsessing/focusing on the lack of one. Your self worth shouldn't come from someone else or from a "relationship". You need to build and become comfortable with the relationship of self.
His cheating isn't a reflection on you, it's a reflection on him. And the crap about you making him drink if he came back to you is his inability to man up and say he wants to end the relationship and move on. If he can tell himself that, it lessons any quilt.
And it sounds like you are obsessing/focusing on the lack of one. Your self worth shouldn't come from someone else or from a "relationship". You need to build and become comfortable with the relationship of self.
His cheating isn't a reflection on you, it's a reflection on him. And the crap about you making him drink if he came back to you is his inability to man up and say he wants to end the relationship and move on. If he can tell himself that, it lessons any quilt.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You won't disappoint anyone here, Dina. We have all been there. Loving and trying to have a partnership with an addict can really do a number on our self-esteem. Accepting that their addiction and the resulting behaviors had nothing to do with me was one of the biggest bumps in the road. I was so sure it was all my fault, and that if I were just a better person, I could fix it. When I couldn't fix it, my only conclusion was that I just wasn't good enough, that I was fundamentally broken and unworthy.
It took a long time, a lot of therapy, and a good deal of esteemable actions and healthy choices on my part before I un-learned all of that stuff, but every minute, ever tear was worth it for where I am today. I'm not "unshakable" by any stretch, but I now have a solid foundation of self-worth, self-respect, and self-love that no one can take away from me again.
You can get there, too. You deserve it, and you are worth it.
It took a long time, a lot of therapy, and a good deal of esteemable actions and healthy choices on my part before I un-learned all of that stuff, but every minute, ever tear was worth it for where I am today. I'm not "unshakable" by any stretch, but I now have a solid foundation of self-worth, self-respect, and self-love that no one can take away from me again.
You can get there, too. You deserve it, and you are worth it.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,658
Hi Dina and welcome. My compassion, empathy and support to you.
As for the 'he' you refer to?
what a turd.
You do not disappoint anyone one here- me included. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are amongst friends here who do not judge- I myself live in a splendid glass house, stone free. You are not alone. Keep posting.
There is also a women's only thread at SR. (I am not one of you).
Even more support. Addiction sucks, you do not. PJ
As for the 'he' you refer to?
what a turd.
You do not disappoint anyone one here- me included. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are amongst friends here who do not judge- I myself live in a splendid glass house, stone free. You are not alone. Keep posting.
There is also a women's only thread at SR. (I am not one of you).
Even more support. Addiction sucks, you do not. PJ
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
You've gotten some good responses here, and all I can add is my agreement that recovery is anything but a linear process.
All those posts you're reading in other people's threads, the ones that are helping you and giving you hope? They are posted by people a lot like you, and YOUR posts can and will give someone else the help and hope he/she needs.
You are not alone, and anything you care to share about your situation, your progress or lack thereof, your thoughts and feelings, could very well be exactly what some other struggling soul needs to hear that day.
Keep coming around, keep posting.
All those posts you're reading in other people's threads, the ones that are helping you and giving you hope? They are posted by people a lot like you, and YOUR posts can and will give someone else the help and hope he/she needs.
You are not alone, and anything you care to share about your situation, your progress or lack thereof, your thoughts and feelings, could very well be exactly what some other struggling soul needs to hear that day.
Keep coming around, keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Dina,
It is hard and we all get it. Its ok that you don't share your journey with everyone. If a friend told you that her husband left and is with another women, would you "judge" the wife or the husband that is having the affair? You have done nothing to be ashamed of!!
Take your time, and rebuild. In time your head will go a little higher and higher, andyou will get your voice back. Our self esteem is very low when we walk through these doors, it just takes time.
Hugs my friend, keep posting and sticking with us, you are doing great!!
It is hard and we all get it. Its ok that you don't share your journey with everyone. If a friend told you that her husband left and is with another women, would you "judge" the wife or the husband that is having the affair? You have done nothing to be ashamed of!!
Take your time, and rebuild. In time your head will go a little higher and higher, andyou will get your voice back. Our self esteem is very low when we walk through these doors, it just takes time.
Hugs my friend, keep posting and sticking with us, you are doing great!!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you're going to have some down days. you've been thru A LOT and it all takes a toll. be gentle with yourself.
your ex is a putz. you are no more responsible for his drinking than i am. you didn't put him in a headlock and force it down his throat. it was far easier for him to cheat and then bail on the mess he made, all in the name of sobriety.
you have nothing to be embarrassed about. you don't have tattoo the play by play on your forehead. you guys split up, period. confide only in those you trust, and confide ONLY as much as you are comfortable sharing. it's nobody's damn business. and anyone who looks down on you for any of this isn't worth your time.
he reminds me of those guys in the 80's in those shiny shirts unbuttoned with gold chains. slathered in Old Spice. gross.
your ex is a putz. you are no more responsible for his drinking than i am. you didn't put him in a headlock and force it down his throat. it was far easier for him to cheat and then bail on the mess he made, all in the name of sobriety.
you have nothing to be embarrassed about. you don't have tattoo the play by play on your forehead. you guys split up, period. confide only in those you trust, and confide ONLY as much as you are comfortable sharing. it's nobody's damn business. and anyone who looks down on you for any of this isn't worth your time.
he reminds me of those guys in the 80's in those shiny shirts unbuttoned with gold chains. slathered in Old Spice. gross.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
^^^^^^^ All of the above ^^^^^^^ Keep posting, Dina. This process will always have its ups and downs. The best thing to remind yourself is that you'll come out of it stronger. I'm only three weeks out of leaving my AH, and I've had both good and bad days. I have no regrets. My kids are doing amazingly well. The current focus for me is codependency. The more I learn about the subject, the greater my understanding of so many of my relationships since way back in my teen years. I'm now 45. Anyway...take care of YOU, and be kind to yourself. You are not alone...❤
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
Thanks to all for replying.
We had two sessions of family counseling where the boys and I got to tell him how he has has hurt us, and is continuing to. He kept interrupting, the therapist told him that he needs to listen to what we have to say. Apparently, it was not what he wanted to hear. He said we all should get over it and move on. She said we have been hurt and him leaving the house is a big thing and we are allowed to move at our own pace and he needs to acknowledge his part. He was not pleased.
He called my son 20 min before we were leaving for 3rd session and said that the therapist was unprofessional, had preconceived ideas and already drew her conclusion. Which translates to he didn't want to hear what we said, she said and was pissed weren't told to get over it and move on. (his exact words at first session)
Suffice to say he dropped out of the counseling. We decided to keep appt without him. When we got there she said she wanted to talk to both of us as it was inappropriate to discuss some things with kids present. Obviously, I was the only parent that showed up.
Long story short, boys said that while they are not surprised their dad dropped out, it hurt them to the very core of their being. This particular phrase from the 18 yr old who pretends nothing is wrong.
I balled like a baby when he said that. His older brother shed a tear listening to him. The pain he has left behind is horrible. Naturally, he is not hear to hear them. The boys said when they see their dad, it is like the elephant in the room, no one talks about what happened, how their feeling etc. Superficial, was how it was explained. They do not want their dad to turn on them or have their time with him tainted because he doesn't want to hear anything about their pain or feel guilt. They are still walking on eggshells.
We will continue therapy without him, but I think he is still putting his needs first and being "sober" for 8 mos. has done diddly squat to change his " it's all about me behavior."
I am still here, tending scraped knees (metaphor for broken hearts and disappointments).
I feel so much pressure, stress and resentment that he can do whatever he wants or whoever he wants and I am checking homework, work full time, running home to make dinner, being the disciplinarian, grocery shopping, worrying about every cent I spend.
And I still hate that f-ing biotch that was sleeping with him, while I was lighting candles in church and praying for his sobriety.
I want to scream some days that I need a break, some help, a hug, and a shoulder to cry on.
And if one more person tells me to rise above it............Ugh!
And I go to the gym 4 times a week, have my own counselor, attend Alanon and open AA mtgs. So I haven't been exactly sitting on my ass wallowing in this crap.
Is it a sin to wish his pcker would fall off????
We had two sessions of family counseling where the boys and I got to tell him how he has has hurt us, and is continuing to. He kept interrupting, the therapist told him that he needs to listen to what we have to say. Apparently, it was not what he wanted to hear. He said we all should get over it and move on. She said we have been hurt and him leaving the house is a big thing and we are allowed to move at our own pace and he needs to acknowledge his part. He was not pleased.
He called my son 20 min before we were leaving for 3rd session and said that the therapist was unprofessional, had preconceived ideas and already drew her conclusion. Which translates to he didn't want to hear what we said, she said and was pissed weren't told to get over it and move on. (his exact words at first session)
Suffice to say he dropped out of the counseling. We decided to keep appt without him. When we got there she said she wanted to talk to both of us as it was inappropriate to discuss some things with kids present. Obviously, I was the only parent that showed up.
Long story short, boys said that while they are not surprised their dad dropped out, it hurt them to the very core of their being. This particular phrase from the 18 yr old who pretends nothing is wrong.
I balled like a baby when he said that. His older brother shed a tear listening to him. The pain he has left behind is horrible. Naturally, he is not hear to hear them. The boys said when they see their dad, it is like the elephant in the room, no one talks about what happened, how their feeling etc. Superficial, was how it was explained. They do not want their dad to turn on them or have their time with him tainted because he doesn't want to hear anything about their pain or feel guilt. They are still walking on eggshells.
We will continue therapy without him, but I think he is still putting his needs first and being "sober" for 8 mos. has done diddly squat to change his " it's all about me behavior."
I am still here, tending scraped knees (metaphor for broken hearts and disappointments).
I feel so much pressure, stress and resentment that he can do whatever he wants or whoever he wants and I am checking homework, work full time, running home to make dinner, being the disciplinarian, grocery shopping, worrying about every cent I spend.
And I still hate that f-ing biotch that was sleeping with him, while I was lighting candles in church and praying for his sobriety.
I want to scream some days that I need a break, some help, a hug, and a shoulder to cry on.
And if one more person tells me to rise above it............Ugh!
And I go to the gym 4 times a week, have my own counselor, attend Alanon and open AA mtgs. So I haven't been exactly sitting on my ass wallowing in this crap.
Is it a sin to wish his pcker would fall off????
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
LOL, no, it's only a sin to play Lorena Bobbit and HELP it "fall off."
You and the boys will be OK. Yes, it's incredibly painful right now, but it's great that you and they are talking with the therapist. You all have a lot of healing to do, but you're doing what you can to help that along. As upsetting as it is for the boys, at least they SEE what their dad is about. It might be harder or more confusing if he was a better play-actor. As it is, they can see how deeply flawed he is.
Hopefully you find some shoulders and hugs at your Al-Anon meeting? Aside from him, who's telling you you have to "rise above it"? The time will come when you can do that (believe it or not), but that will happen when you're ready to, and no sooner. I think you're actually doing great, under the circumstances.
What can I say--it's a process. A painful one, but a necessary one. And you will come through it, just like we did.
I know it's not a REAL hug, but here's a virtual one.
(((((DINA)))))
You and the boys will be OK. Yes, it's incredibly painful right now, but it's great that you and they are talking with the therapist. You all have a lot of healing to do, but you're doing what you can to help that along. As upsetting as it is for the boys, at least they SEE what their dad is about. It might be harder or more confusing if he was a better play-actor. As it is, they can see how deeply flawed he is.
Hopefully you find some shoulders and hugs at your Al-Anon meeting? Aside from him, who's telling you you have to "rise above it"? The time will come when you can do that (believe it or not), but that will happen when you're ready to, and no sooner. I think you're actually doing great, under the circumstances.
What can I say--it's a process. A painful one, but a necessary one. And you will come through it, just like we did.
I know it's not a REAL hug, but here's a virtual one.
(((((DINA)))))
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
OK he's heading off to another woman, but it's pretty pathetic to pretend it's all about you 'making' him relapse. What a weak thing to say.
I'm glad you've found SR and feel free to have a good vent. I'm also certain that the hard work you're putting into getting your life back on track will pay off, and I hope it's soon.
Think you should ask your priest the theological question regarding the pecker.
I'm glad you've found SR and feel free to have a good vent. I'm also certain that the hard work you're putting into getting your life back on track will pay off, and I hope it's soon.
Think you should ask your priest the theological question regarding the pecker.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Dina - it actually sounds like you're doing really great in your recovery even if it doesn't feel that way for you every day. Like the others pointed out- it's not a direct path, but more of an ebb & flow pattern. I found that just because I felt like I was "losing ground" on those down days, it wasn't necessarily true. It was just easy to believe because I was still feeling so beaten down.
I'm sorry your Ex is being a complete D-bag, and my heart breaks for your boys to have to go through such a dramatic abandonment at their ages. He may be sober but these are not the actions & words of a recovering person. More is bound to be revealed, in my opinion.
You are at that point, I think, when what you need more than anything takes the longest to get - time & distance. Hang in there & KEEP POSTING! No one will reject you here & no matter how varied the responses can be, they come from a place of love & experience.
I'm sorry your Ex is being a complete D-bag, and my heart breaks for your boys to have to go through such a dramatic abandonment at their ages. He may be sober but these are not the actions & words of a recovering person. More is bound to be revealed, in my opinion.
You are at that point, I think, when what you need more than anything takes the longest to get - time & distance. Hang in there & KEEP POSTING! No one will reject you here & no matter how varied the responses can be, they come from a place of love & experience.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Doesn't sound like he's learned much at AA at all. Perhaps he wasn't really going. But I'm an AAer and know the old timers and my sponsor would give me short shrift if I came out with any bull-crap like that about my partner making me drink. He drink because he chose to. He was dishonest and had an affair because he chose to. They were his choices and he's not taken any responsibility for them or the consequences of them. Although, to be honest it took me 6 months to get desperate enough to ask someone to be my sponsor and take me through the steps, and that's when the real changes start to happen. Maybe one day he'll offer amends but I wouldn't hold your breath. Not everyone gets that far, and it doesn't sound like he's making that kind of progress from what you say.
Do you have a sponsor and do the step work as part of your alanon meetings? If not, perhaps that's worth considering.
Sorry you landed such a numpty. To be honest it sounds like once you've got over the shock and pain of the betrayal it will only be a good thing that you're shot of him. I hope you can build your network of trusted friends and get out there and start having some fun and building up your confidence in yourself and mankind. You know, there are lots of wonderful people in the world as well as those unfortunates who cannot or will not be honest with themselves and others.
Take care.
BB
Do you have a sponsor and do the step work as part of your alanon meetings? If not, perhaps that's worth considering.
Sorry you landed such a numpty. To be honest it sounds like once you've got over the shock and pain of the betrayal it will only be a good thing that you're shot of him. I hope you can build your network of trusted friends and get out there and start having some fun and building up your confidence in yourself and mankind. You know, there are lots of wonderful people in the world as well as those unfortunates who cannot or will not be honest with themselves and others.
Take care.
BB
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
maybe its a lot like this clip........ miss the 1980's on opening day of Baseball the most.. a rabbit hole.. kids... I would give me left arm to fall down that hole and just know what I know now.. life would be so different....
https://youtu.be/cMxPAkZgoy0
https://youtu.be/cMxPAkZgoy0
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
Since you say no one is judging..........I really hope so after I post this (fingers crossed)
We haven't been intimate in the 10 mos. preceding his leaving. Alcoholic chaos and resentment, etc. For the first time in 26 years, I stopped having sex.
Okay, here's how I see it. 10 mos + 2 mos gone= 1 yr without sex.
I am that Catholic guilt ridden woman, whose not supposed to have sex unless your married.
I think that's why I'm having such a hard time letting him go. I am trying so hard not to call him, (yes I know he is beneath me.)
Could I just be horny??????
I'm 56, and I have no clue how to handle this. (stop laughing now) lol
Did I mention I work for a Catholic Church?
We haven't been intimate in the 10 mos. preceding his leaving. Alcoholic chaos and resentment, etc. For the first time in 26 years, I stopped having sex.
Okay, here's how I see it. 10 mos + 2 mos gone= 1 yr without sex.
I am that Catholic guilt ridden woman, whose not supposed to have sex unless your married.
I think that's why I'm having such a hard time letting him go. I am trying so hard not to call him, (yes I know he is beneath me.)
Could I just be horny??????
I'm 56, and I have no clue how to handle this. (stop laughing now) lol
Did I mention I work for a Catholic Church?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sorry, but sheesh, from what I've seen of the Catholic Church, having sex outside of marriage isn't the big deal that it used to be. I guess contraception is still a minor no-no, but it seems to fall more under the category of "don't ask, don't tell."
IOW, you aren't doomed to be celibate for the rest of your life (though I'd go easy on rushing out to get laid).
If it makes you feel less weird, I haven't had sex in over ten years. I haven't shriveled up, and I consider myself an agnostic.
Maybe pick up a battery-powered friend?
IOW, you aren't doomed to be celibate for the rest of your life (though I'd go easy on rushing out to get laid).
If it makes you feel less weird, I haven't had sex in over ten years. I haven't shriveled up, and I consider myself an agnostic.
Maybe pick up a battery-powered friend?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Sure, that could be part of it. Also - I think its fairly common for people like us to associate sex with love...let alone, we're pretty hyperfocused on being wanted / needed. Add the pain of cheating, and that's a pretty deep scar with regards to our wanting to be wanted, and needed, let alone our mental part of sexual health.
Horny or not, it's pretty common to want to reach out and fix what is broken - no matter how far our of our hands that it is. We want to feel better, and we think someone else can make us feel better, when WE are the only ones that can do it for ourselves.
You are doing all the right things - keep doing them. And hands off the phone - all he has for you is pain - even if at some point he tries to disguise it as love or sex.
Horny or not, it's pretty common to want to reach out and fix what is broken - no matter how far our of our hands that it is. We want to feel better, and we think someone else can make us feel better, when WE are the only ones that can do it for ourselves.
You are doing all the right things - keep doing them. And hands off the phone - all he has for you is pain - even if at some point he tries to disguise it as love or sex.
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