Kiwimum

Thank you everyone. Really from the bottom of my heart. Yes I agree he is not thinking about the kids. It's been hell this past year. I left with only the petrol in my tank as he had cleaned out our bank account trying to stop me from leaving. But I had some money I put aside. His last words to me were I wouldn't last a month. I have lasted a year and three months. But I will admit that it's been the hardest year of my life. Almost akin to living in a war zone. But I got through the worst of it. If I can do this with three children, five when my girls are on their semester breaks, then anyone can. I have learnt that I am a strong woman. He really is on a runaway train without brakes. Is he going to crash? Or is he going to stop and get the help he needs. I think he's going to crash and it's the phone call I am dreading. It's rough. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

FeelingGreat

Hold your head up high KM, you know you're the one living for your family and holding it all together.
I hope you get your settlement soon, but remember the hard road will bring the biggest rewards.

Fusion

Hi Sue, I'm so sorry for what your children and you are experiencing as a result of your husband's behaviour. I was the alcoholic wife. I stopped drinking, forever, last year. I finally came to my senses, when my husband said he'd have no choice but to leave me, as he was worried that my addiction would increase and I'd end up dead. He said he didn't want to watch me die.

I didn't wish to lose him, he's always stuck by me. So I left AA (which hadn't worked for me, although others here find relief that way). On SR I was guided and learnt a technique to stop drinking, which works whatever the original reason a person uses to justify their drinking. As a poster above says, it is a choice.

I'm so ashamed by the fact that I continued my addiction, when I knew it was deeply affecting my husband. I wish I could turn the clock back.

Regarding the opening title of your thread, my answer is yes. In your husband's case, I simply can't fathom how he could display such selfishness, that when you said you were leaving, he didn't instead offer to leave your family home and thereby let you remain there with your children. His action to stay put, was selfish beyond belief, how could he do that to your children? And no, I don't believe he can hide behind alcohol addiction as a reason for his selfishness. It can turn an addicted person into a monster when truly under the influence and drunk/in a blackout. But if he's still working, he's obviously not drunk 24/7 and must be compus mentis at times.

You are an awesomely strong woman, protecting your children as you did. In time you'll see that it was a beneficial thing, the new woman moving in - because if she hadn't, your husband may have begged and pleaded with you to come back home, only for the whole circus to begin again.

Sue, I'm not sure of the law in your country, but here in the UK it's often advisable to seek a second legal opinion, just in case the first is overly cautious.

steve11694

sometimes alcoholics are referred to as "little gods" to describe the degree of selfishness.

living a a land of self delusion.

Kiwimum

Tatsy that is something I struggle every day to comprehend. Things like why couldn't he leave the house to his children. I had no choice but to pack my car and drive 8 hours away to be near my family. He is telling everyone complete and utter lies...that I left of my own free will. Another thing I can't comprehend is the amount of lies, deception and manipulation. I often wonder at what point did the alcohol take its grip. When I found the first lot of 50 bottles, how long had he been drinking like this. He had his usual two dozen beers every week and booze whenever he went out. Surely after 27 years this man must be in trouble health wise. As for him not drinking during the day...I think he is because he had been pulled up on his way to work at 6am and convicted of drink driving. I've recently just found out he has had a massive pay cut. Yet he's in the same position hiring and firing and looking after multi million dollar machinery. Same hours also. So why the pay cut? Possibly due to another recent conviction. His addiction has cost him his children, his house and his job must be next. I've read of alcoholics dying in their 20's and 30's....how does he get away with 27 years of hard abuse? We found bottles hidden everywhere. Hundreds and hundreds over the past three years. He was recently caught hiding a bottle of rum behind his bedroom curtain. He drink drives and has the attitude he is above the law. He is the most selfish person I know and has changed so significantly.

Kiwimum

Yes Steve, he is so deluded in his thoughts. It's like we don't even exist anymore. If I ask him for extra help, his reply is always the same. You put yourself in your position, and now you have to do things on your own. That's his excuse every time. I stopped asking months ago. He was never like this. He really was the best father and partner. He is the complete opposite of what he use to be. I actually think he relishes the idea that we struggle. He is so angry that I left, so angry that I let his secret out, that he's happy to see us struggle. He's a monster.

FeelingGreat

Some people with strong constitutions seem to go on for years with no consequence, but once their health starts breaking down it can happen very fast. He's already showing it mentally in the complete change of personality from a good husband and father to a selfish, angry man you don't recognise.

The anger reflects how protective he is of his habit. He wants to go on drinking and resents you taking away his comfortable life. The drinking just fuels this, and doesn't allow him to think with a clear head. Oh well, that's why we have courts.

honeypig

I didn't think XAH was showing any physical signs, either, until the following:
1) A neglected sore on his ankle that he neither did anything about or told me about until it was severely infected, necessitating repeated debridements and some hyperbaric therapy.
2) A relatively minor fall that resulted in a fractured/compressed vertebra, necessitating a month or so off of work and narcotic pain meds.
3) Last but not least, a hit-and-run (apparently, as it was unwitnessed and XAH doesn't know what happened) down at our mailbox resulting in 5 broken ribs and a shattered elbow.

Smoking is bad for bones, drinking is bad for bones. Put them together and you've got a 60-year-old man w/bones like a little old lady. But you can't SEE that, so you don't realize it's going on.

His mother is diabetic. His blood sugars were borderline years ago. Don't know what they are now, but I can't imagine that daily drinking in an alcoholic fashion has helped much. Again, it's not something you can SEE.

And he always got 10x as many colds/flus/crap-that's-going-around attacks as I did. Always took him 5x as long to get better (not to mention that there was 100x more whining, but that's another topic). Once I knew about the smoking/drinking, it all began to make sense.

My point is simply that just b/c you don't see any outward signs of poor health doesn't mean the person is in good health. Osteoporosis, cardiovascular issues, lung problems, esophageal cancer or varices, cirrhosis--the list of alcohol-related diseases goes on and on, but most can't be seen until they are far advanced.

Not sure if you have a national health system there in Kiwi Land? If so, you don't have the financial worries about these illnesses that those of us in the States have. However, do you want a ringside seat to any of this? It's not likely to be pretty OR quick...

And I know there's that "in sickness and in health" thing--but i guess I never took it to include self-inflicted health problems.

Kiwimum

Feelinggreat yes he is so angry towards me for exposing the truth about his addiction. He refuses to accept any accountability whatsoever. It was like talking to a brick wall. Honeypig yes the main change in his mental health is a big indication he is in trouble. He has prescription medication for anxiety attacks and depression. From what I've researched alcohol is a depressant so how will the pills be helping him when he's still drinking? In the month leading up to Xmas day he was having major cramps that wouldn't go away. Can anyone explain why is he having panic attacks? Yes we have a very good, free public health system. But if he was ever hospitalised, I would never be told by his family. The last thing they would want to do is admit we weren't lying...even though they know he's an alcoholic. I would hope that someone would ring me being the mother of his children.

honeypig

They won't. Psych meds and alcohol can be a dangerous combination.

XAH had this too. Alcoholic drinking plus the poor or nonexistent eating habits that go along with it cause deficiencies of various vitamins, minerals and electrolytes. This can cause cramps, malnutrition, and other issues.

Trying to fix any of these other issues while he's still actively drinking is going to be fruitless. Protecting yourself and your kids is the best thing you can do.

Like they say in Alanon, "let go or be dragged."

Kiwimum

Honeypig yes I have let go, I stopped contacting him a month ago. It's still hard though. After 21 years with someone it's hard to let go. I still care what happens to him but I would never go back. He keeps saying I will never find anyone else to love. Truth is I don't want another man in my life. I have my kids to think about and the last thing they need is a step father. Maybe much further down the track but not now. Thank you all for the great advice and for listening to my story.