Why I am here.... part of my story
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Why I am here.... part of my story
Here is the email that I sent to AH's sister. When I asked him to leave- he went to her house. She reached out to me earlier this week and said to let her know what she could do and how she could help. I have never shared with anyone what the past 14 years have been like. I ended up sending her an email (that I am posting below). I don't know if she is in shock or having trouble processing the reality of the situation. I know I can't help him. He has to do this himself. My AH is one of those people that will help you out, be there for you, a hard worker, someone everyone depends on. His excels at his job and is recognized for hard work. His friends and family would say he is one of the best guys around. My parents adore him and think he is mr wonderful. They have no clue of the person his wife and children see. I think this is why it took me so long to finally ask him to leave. Anyway- below is the email I sent to his sister and gives a little bit of history of what I have had to deal with. He has helped raise the oldest girls since they were one and 3. We had 2 children of our own. He always said he was the REAL DAD to my oldest 2. They have only known him as their dad. They have called him dad since the day we were married. They are 18 and 16 now. The youngest are 10 and 7. 3 girls one boy (the 10 yr old). I edited out their names for now. I don't feel comfortable putting names out here yet. I know it is long and so thank you for reading this if you are interested.
Dear sister in law
I found this article that I think really describes what AH is going through. If you want to read it- I’ll provide the link.
I’m not sure what all he has told you. But I will say that his problem is more serious than anyone could ever imagine. He is a high functioning alcoholic. He is also a perfectionist. So every time he has a drink- he knows he is failing his family. So he is mad and angry at himself- so he distances himself from us and then drinks more. And then he gets more mad at himself- and then he starts to pick at every one of us and tell us OUR flaws and how we do nothing right so that his own failures from drinking do not make him feel as bad. Then he has guilt and remorse for how he has treated us and it starts all over again. This isn’t the case of he just drinks too much from time to time.
He is physically abusive and emotionally abusive. It is hard to imagine that he is this way. Nobody knows this side of him outside of me and the kids. I guess I want you to understand just how serious this is and how much of a different person he becomes when he can’t stop the drinking. His anger at himself causes him to explode and it only happens to us. He still won’t accept the fact that his drinking landed me in the ER 3 years ago. He was in a drunken rage and was pushing me and shoving me so hard that I lost my balance and fell and hit my head so hard on the ground that it busted my head open. I had to have 7 staples to close my head back up. Luckily the kids were in the house and did not see this. I lied and said the dog tripped me to help save him and our family. He would have been arrested at the ER if I would have told the truth. In fact- NOBODY knows this. I have never told my family or my friends. The shame was too much. I didn’t want anyone to know our family was so badly flawed. But I just can’t go on and not let you know just how serious this is. He still says it was an accident and that he didn’t “mean to make me fall” And “its not like I hit you or something.” There are many other times where he has hurt child and child by grabbing them and twisting their arms or raising his fist like he is going to hit them. Too many times to mention. Then there is the emotional abuse. It’s awful. child and child have been so emotionally traumatized and I just can’t let them be around it anymore. child n child also say all the time “daddy is mean we don’t like daddy” So it is starting to affect them. It sucks so bad. I told him after the ER trip that if he ever drank again- that was it. I was done. Well he would go back to drinking- quit. Drink- quit. And I was stupid and kept forgiving him and letting him stay. I wanted to protect his reputation and not lose our family. But I can’t lose the innocence of my children bc he can’t stop drinking. He attacked child this weekend and told her to never call him dad again and to only call him (by his real name- he has raised my oldest 2 since they were 1 and 3 yrs old after their dad left us). AH is the only dad she knows. Imagine if your dad told you to stop calling him dad and to only call him ****? AH was drunk and he still doesn’t realize his strength. He cut her hand and twisted her arm so bad and it left bruises. Child n CHILD were so scared they hid in the closet crying. It is devastating to me to realize that I let this happen bc I wasn’t strong enough to stand up and say he has a problem. I allowed him to stay time after time knowing what he was capable of. I blame myself for the trauma and emotional distress the kids are going through. He was in such a rage that I was afraid to get out of my car. He was banging on the doors, windows, the hood. I knew if I would have gotten out- he would have hurt me. It made me realize that I had to make the tough decision to protect us from him.
Although I didn’t want you to know how bad the situation is- I guess my heart is saying someone else needs to know just how bad his drinking is and how much of a different person he becomes when he drinks.
I honestly do not know what is going to happen. Because drinking is all he has ever known and it is such a huge part of everyone surrounding him- I have little hope that he can stick to sobriety. If landing me in the ER didn’t let him know how serious the situation is- I just don’t know what will. Because everyone around him drinks- him staying sober will be challenging. I stopped drinking around him. I don’t drink much anyway. So even with keeping our house empty of alcohol- the temptation is too great. When he helps people out- they pay him in beer. Every family function revolves around alcohol. Every family conversation usually includes conversations about drinking and how beer is needed to calm down nerves or how people are driving them to drinking. He is constantly around people saying how good it is to have that alcohol. Even the catholic church is about alcohol. The blood of Jesus. The church picnics. The lake. HE can’t go on vacation n not drink bc he is surrounded by alcohol. Every one of his friends drinks. He can’t escape alcohol. It’s in every store, every restaurant. The odds of relapse are so great. Especially a person with perfectionism.
I just have finally realized that I can’t put the children at risk anymore. I know AH is sick with worry. I know he is devastated at his actions when he is drinking. I know if he didn’t drink he would be an amazing husband and father. He is a good person that works hard. He is a great provider. If he was a happy drunk- it might be ok. But he is not. His drinking hurts his family both physically and emotionally. I have to protect the kids now. I have hid this secret for so long. I didn’t want it to be our reality. But it is. And even with all of the things he has done to hurt us- he still couldn’t stop drinking. He makes bad choices when he drinks. I’m always afraid he is going to kill himself by driving drunk or worse- kill other people and leave me with losing everything while he is in prison and I have nothing left for the kids. And that is why it is such a horrible disease. So many people think- why can’t they just stop drinking. It’s just not that simple. I have to be the person to say enough is enough and to help the kids understand this awful addiction. Help them understand that they have done nothing wrong.
I can only pray that AH truly comes to the realization of how serious this is and how deeply he has hurt his family. But the addict doesn’t really see how truly hurtful they are and the pain they have caused. He keeps saying- I wish I could take back that one day. (meaning Saturday) But he doesn’t realize that he has so many days he needs to take back. It goes back for 10 years. And truthfully- there were signs from the beginning that I ignored bc back then- the good in him was there 90% of the time and we rarely saw the bad. Now we see 90% bad and very little kindness. We cannot do anything right in his eyes. We are constantly criticized. Hearing the kids speak so negatively about themselves because they have become accustomed to being criticized on a daily basis is so hard for me to hear. I am working so hard to build back their self esteem. It is so hard.
I hope this gives a little insight into just what me and the kids have been going thru. I haven’t lost all hope, but it is going to be a very tough battle for him and it will be a daily battle the rest of his life. I just don’t know if his perfectionist personality will allow him to accepts his failures or if it will drive him further into alcoholism.
I have been doing tons of reading about how to help him and what I can do. I did find 2 articles about perfectionism and so I just wanted you to read them if you want. I know he relies on your help and opinion of him. He needs help and encouragement. I can’t do this by myself. I didn’t mean to make this go so long- but once I started typing it- I couldn’t stop. I just thought you needed to know some of the truth about how bad it is when he drinks. He becomes someone else. I have hidden this to not only protect him, but to protect the kids. I hope this helps you understand why I had to make him leave our home. I just can’t let him stay and hurt our family any longer. I hope you understand why.
DELETED LINKS
The links above pretty much describe most of what AH is going thru.
I want you to know that I love him so much. I want to help him. I want to be there for him. I will do what I can to help him. For now- he just has to get some help and I have to protect the kids. I want him to see child and child. But child and child do not want to see him right now. They have been hurt so many times over the years and have basically given up all hope.
I want our family to be whole again.
Dear sister in law
I found this article that I think really describes what AH is going through. If you want to read it- I’ll provide the link.
I’m not sure what all he has told you. But I will say that his problem is more serious than anyone could ever imagine. He is a high functioning alcoholic. He is also a perfectionist. So every time he has a drink- he knows he is failing his family. So he is mad and angry at himself- so he distances himself from us and then drinks more. And then he gets more mad at himself- and then he starts to pick at every one of us and tell us OUR flaws and how we do nothing right so that his own failures from drinking do not make him feel as bad. Then he has guilt and remorse for how he has treated us and it starts all over again. This isn’t the case of he just drinks too much from time to time.
He is physically abusive and emotionally abusive. It is hard to imagine that he is this way. Nobody knows this side of him outside of me and the kids. I guess I want you to understand just how serious this is and how much of a different person he becomes when he can’t stop the drinking. His anger at himself causes him to explode and it only happens to us. He still won’t accept the fact that his drinking landed me in the ER 3 years ago. He was in a drunken rage and was pushing me and shoving me so hard that I lost my balance and fell and hit my head so hard on the ground that it busted my head open. I had to have 7 staples to close my head back up. Luckily the kids were in the house and did not see this. I lied and said the dog tripped me to help save him and our family. He would have been arrested at the ER if I would have told the truth. In fact- NOBODY knows this. I have never told my family or my friends. The shame was too much. I didn’t want anyone to know our family was so badly flawed. But I just can’t go on and not let you know just how serious this is. He still says it was an accident and that he didn’t “mean to make me fall” And “its not like I hit you or something.” There are many other times where he has hurt child and child by grabbing them and twisting their arms or raising his fist like he is going to hit them. Too many times to mention. Then there is the emotional abuse. It’s awful. child and child have been so emotionally traumatized and I just can’t let them be around it anymore. child n child also say all the time “daddy is mean we don’t like daddy” So it is starting to affect them. It sucks so bad. I told him after the ER trip that if he ever drank again- that was it. I was done. Well he would go back to drinking- quit. Drink- quit. And I was stupid and kept forgiving him and letting him stay. I wanted to protect his reputation and not lose our family. But I can’t lose the innocence of my children bc he can’t stop drinking. He attacked child this weekend and told her to never call him dad again and to only call him (by his real name- he has raised my oldest 2 since they were 1 and 3 yrs old after their dad left us). AH is the only dad she knows. Imagine if your dad told you to stop calling him dad and to only call him ****? AH was drunk and he still doesn’t realize his strength. He cut her hand and twisted her arm so bad and it left bruises. Child n CHILD were so scared they hid in the closet crying. It is devastating to me to realize that I let this happen bc I wasn’t strong enough to stand up and say he has a problem. I allowed him to stay time after time knowing what he was capable of. I blame myself for the trauma and emotional distress the kids are going through. He was in such a rage that I was afraid to get out of my car. He was banging on the doors, windows, the hood. I knew if I would have gotten out- he would have hurt me. It made me realize that I had to make the tough decision to protect us from him.
Although I didn’t want you to know how bad the situation is- I guess my heart is saying someone else needs to know just how bad his drinking is and how much of a different person he becomes when he drinks.
I honestly do not know what is going to happen. Because drinking is all he has ever known and it is such a huge part of everyone surrounding him- I have little hope that he can stick to sobriety. If landing me in the ER didn’t let him know how serious the situation is- I just don’t know what will. Because everyone around him drinks- him staying sober will be challenging. I stopped drinking around him. I don’t drink much anyway. So even with keeping our house empty of alcohol- the temptation is too great. When he helps people out- they pay him in beer. Every family function revolves around alcohol. Every family conversation usually includes conversations about drinking and how beer is needed to calm down nerves or how people are driving them to drinking. He is constantly around people saying how good it is to have that alcohol. Even the catholic church is about alcohol. The blood of Jesus. The church picnics. The lake. HE can’t go on vacation n not drink bc he is surrounded by alcohol. Every one of his friends drinks. He can’t escape alcohol. It’s in every store, every restaurant. The odds of relapse are so great. Especially a person with perfectionism.
I just have finally realized that I can’t put the children at risk anymore. I know AH is sick with worry. I know he is devastated at his actions when he is drinking. I know if he didn’t drink he would be an amazing husband and father. He is a good person that works hard. He is a great provider. If he was a happy drunk- it might be ok. But he is not. His drinking hurts his family both physically and emotionally. I have to protect the kids now. I have hid this secret for so long. I didn’t want it to be our reality. But it is. And even with all of the things he has done to hurt us- he still couldn’t stop drinking. He makes bad choices when he drinks. I’m always afraid he is going to kill himself by driving drunk or worse- kill other people and leave me with losing everything while he is in prison and I have nothing left for the kids. And that is why it is such a horrible disease. So many people think- why can’t they just stop drinking. It’s just not that simple. I have to be the person to say enough is enough and to help the kids understand this awful addiction. Help them understand that they have done nothing wrong.
I can only pray that AH truly comes to the realization of how serious this is and how deeply he has hurt his family. But the addict doesn’t really see how truly hurtful they are and the pain they have caused. He keeps saying- I wish I could take back that one day. (meaning Saturday) But he doesn’t realize that he has so many days he needs to take back. It goes back for 10 years. And truthfully- there were signs from the beginning that I ignored bc back then- the good in him was there 90% of the time and we rarely saw the bad. Now we see 90% bad and very little kindness. We cannot do anything right in his eyes. We are constantly criticized. Hearing the kids speak so negatively about themselves because they have become accustomed to being criticized on a daily basis is so hard for me to hear. I am working so hard to build back their self esteem. It is so hard.
I hope this gives a little insight into just what me and the kids have been going thru. I haven’t lost all hope, but it is going to be a very tough battle for him and it will be a daily battle the rest of his life. I just don’t know if his perfectionist personality will allow him to accepts his failures or if it will drive him further into alcoholism.
I have been doing tons of reading about how to help him and what I can do. I did find 2 articles about perfectionism and so I just wanted you to read them if you want. I know he relies on your help and opinion of him. He needs help and encouragement. I can’t do this by myself. I didn’t mean to make this go so long- but once I started typing it- I couldn’t stop. I just thought you needed to know some of the truth about how bad it is when he drinks. He becomes someone else. I have hidden this to not only protect him, but to protect the kids. I hope this helps you understand why I had to make him leave our home. I just can’t let him stay and hurt our family any longer. I hope you understand why.
DELETED LINKS
The links above pretty much describe most of what AH is going thru.
I want you to know that I love him so much. I want to help him. I want to be there for him. I will do what I can to help him. For now- he just has to get some help and I have to protect the kids. I want him to see child and child. But child and child do not want to see him right now. They have been hurt so many times over the years and have basically given up all hope.
I want our family to be whole again.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm very sorry you and your children have been through all of this.
As I've mentioned repeatedly, the abuse is not excused by his drinking. Please talk with an advocate about protection for yourself and your kids. You can obtain an order of protection that will require him to stay away, and to provide financial support in the meantime. The court can, as part of its order, require him to participate in alcohol treatment and batterers' intervention. There are a lot of resources available to help you.
Your sister-in-law may or may not support you. She may or may not even believe you. But either way, she is not going to be able to help you stay safe and to heal from everything that has happened.
Are the kids receiving any counseling? It sure sounds like they could use it.
As I've mentioned repeatedly, the abuse is not excused by his drinking. Please talk with an advocate about protection for yourself and your kids. You can obtain an order of protection that will require him to stay away, and to provide financial support in the meantime. The court can, as part of its order, require him to participate in alcohol treatment and batterers' intervention. There are a lot of resources available to help you.
Your sister-in-law may or may not support you. She may or may not even believe you. But either way, she is not going to be able to help you stay safe and to heal from everything that has happened.
Are the kids receiving any counseling? It sure sounds like they could use it.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Please seek help from your local law enforcment or social services abbcc. What he is doing is illegal, immoral and 100 percent unacceptable on many levels. You could even call 911 if you aren't sure where to go. This is literally an emergency and you owe it to yourself and your children to treat it as such.
You mentioned in your posts yesterday that he's never physically abused you but you do mention that here. Call for help, now please.
You mentioned in your posts yesterday that he's never physically abused you but you do mention that here. Call for help, now please.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 114
His sister has not responded to the email so I don't know what she is thinking. 
I have not made a call to get counseling for the children yet. Thank you for your advice. I will make sure and do that. The younger ones do not know he is gone from the home permanently yet. He told them he had to help his sister with a project and would be gone for a few weeks. They are used to him being gone helping others till late at night and on weekends- so his absence right now hasn't really affected their day to day. I was going to have a heart to heart with them this weekend. I don't know if there can be a session with me and the kids or if they need to be seen separately? Taking these next steps in the long journey to our recovery are important. I know it will take time.
I have not made a call to get counseling for the children yet. Thank you for your advice. I will make sure and do that. The younger ones do not know he is gone from the home permanently yet. He told them he had to help his sister with a project and would be gone for a few weeks. They are used to him being gone helping others till late at night and on weekends- so his absence right now hasn't really affected their day to day. I was going to have a heart to heart with them this weekend. I don't know if there can be a session with me and the kids or if they need to be seen separately? Taking these next steps in the long journey to our recovery are important. I know it will take time.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't know whether I mentioned it in your original thread, but I've worked professionally in the domestic violence field for a very long time. There are, truly, a ton of resources out there to help you and the kids. A good place to start is by calling your local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline and talking with an advocate. They can help you with safety planning, help you consider your options, set you and your kids up with therapy and any other help that you need. Please take advantage of those.
And please seriously consider a protective order. The time of initial separation is often the most dangerous time--abusers see your leaving (or insistence that he leave) as a direct challenge and threat to their power and control. You could be in significant danger if you don't take the proper precautions.
I'm going to suggest you take this free assessment used by professionals to determine how much danger you might actually be in: https://www.mosaicmethod.com. Click the button that says "Male DV Offender."
And please seriously consider a protective order. The time of initial separation is often the most dangerous time--abusers see your leaving (or insistence that he leave) as a direct challenge and threat to their power and control. You could be in significant danger if you don't take the proper precautions.
I'm going to suggest you take this free assessment used by professionals to determine how much danger you might actually be in: https://www.mosaicmethod.com. Click the button that says "Male DV Offender."
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
abbcc, I am very very glad you are here.
In your letter to your sister in law, I notice that you repeatedly assign motives to his behavior, or state definitively how he feels about what he does. It reads to me like minimizing or excusing his actions because alcohol is so abundant and other people offer it to him, or because he has an issue with perfectionism. You write about how "he becomes someone else" when he drinks. How "he needs help and encouragement."
It is very easy for people who love alcoholics to become complicit in relieving the addict from the accountability for their actions, and the responsibility they have to themselves and to their families. We want to think of them as two people: the person we love, and the addict. It's this kind of thinking that keeps us from accepting that our lives have become unmanageable. We think, if we can just reach the person we are so sure is in there somewhere, they will realize how badly what the addict is doing is affecting the family. That may well happen one day, who knows. But until it does, you and your kids are in danger.
I caution you to keep your eyes open and see your husband for who he actually is, right now, and not who you wish he was or who he used to be.
In your letter to your sister in law, I notice that you repeatedly assign motives to his behavior, or state definitively how he feels about what he does. It reads to me like minimizing or excusing his actions because alcohol is so abundant and other people offer it to him, or because he has an issue with perfectionism. You write about how "he becomes someone else" when he drinks. How "he needs help and encouragement."
It is very easy for people who love alcoholics to become complicit in relieving the addict from the accountability for their actions, and the responsibility they have to themselves and to their families. We want to think of them as two people: the person we love, and the addict. It's this kind of thinking that keeps us from accepting that our lives have become unmanageable. We think, if we can just reach the person we are so sure is in there somewhere, they will realize how badly what the addict is doing is affecting the family. That may well happen one day, who knows. But until it does, you and your kids are in danger.
I caution you to keep your eyes open and see your husband for who he actually is, right now, and not who you wish he was or who he used to be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
Please seek help from your local law enforcment or social services abbcc. What he is doing is illegal, immoral and 100 percent unacceptable on many levels. You could even call 911 if you aren't sure where to go. This is literally an emergency and you owe it to yourself and your children to treat it as such.
You mentioned in your posts yesterday that he's never physically abused you but you do mention that here. Call for help, now please.
You mentioned in your posts yesterday that he's never physically abused you but you do mention that here. Call for help, now please.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
I strongly urge you to take care of your children and yourself. There are many resources available:
National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US)
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Abuse Defined
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support (US)
International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies
Canada: Home « HotPeachPages International
Canada: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International
UK: call Women’s Aid*at 0808 2000 247.
Australia https://www.qld.gov.au/community/get...-getting-help/
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis center
National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US)
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Abuse Defined
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support (US)
International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies
Canada: Home « HotPeachPages International
Canada: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International
UK: call Women’s Aid*at 0808 2000 247.
Australia https://www.qld.gov.au/community/get...-getting-help/
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis center
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 114
I am glad I am here bc through each one of these post above- you are helping me to see a truer reality and how I am still in denial of the seriousness of the situation. I will take steps to ensure the safety of myself and the children. I can't tell you enough how the information in your post are helping me open my eyes to a truer reality. It's a super bill pill to swallow- but I am listening and appreciate what is being posted more than you know.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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Sending hugs, Abbccj03, if OK. I understand wanting his family to know; I understand hoping for support - or even just understanding - from his sister. I went through similar stuff with my XSIL. What I didn't really realize at the time is that she grew up in the same family dynamics as AXH. The coping skills he learned are going to be similar to / interconnected with the coping skills she has.
And. She's HIS sister. While AXH and I were together and just after I left him, she would always tell me she was so happy to have me for a sister. However, when the chips fell, I'm not _her_ family. We're not related by blood and we didn't grow up together so our history together is much more limited than that between her and AXH.
In my situation, XSIL lent an ear for a while. She was mildly supportive. However, while she was listening, she was also withholding information (relevant and really important information) from me. I also think she was desperate to get her brother into rehab and he didn't have health insurance - I did and I hadn't taken him off it at that time. She did it simply because she is AXH's sister and when it came down to it, I was just the girl that moved out and left her brother.
Just like I had to let go of expectations that AXH would be the partner I wanted and the father DS deserved, I had to let go of any expectations that XSIL would be supportive of me and DS when it came up against her brother.
I'm not saying that your experience is going to be exactly the same as mine. But without having some knowledge of alcoholism/addiction and DV - and healing from the same, the likelihood of your SIL being able to understand your side of the story is going to be tainted by her relationship with her brother. I guess, I'm just offering: please be gentle with yourself and your expectations of her.
And. She's HIS sister. While AXH and I were together and just after I left him, she would always tell me she was so happy to have me for a sister. However, when the chips fell, I'm not _her_ family. We're not related by blood and we didn't grow up together so our history together is much more limited than that between her and AXH.
In my situation, XSIL lent an ear for a while. She was mildly supportive. However, while she was listening, she was also withholding information (relevant and really important information) from me. I also think she was desperate to get her brother into rehab and he didn't have health insurance - I did and I hadn't taken him off it at that time. She did it simply because she is AXH's sister and when it came down to it, I was just the girl that moved out and left her brother.
Just like I had to let go of expectations that AXH would be the partner I wanted and the father DS deserved, I had to let go of any expectations that XSIL would be supportive of me and DS when it came up against her brother.
I'm not saying that your experience is going to be exactly the same as mine. But without having some knowledge of alcoholism/addiction and DV - and healing from the same, the likelihood of your SIL being able to understand your side of the story is going to be tainted by her relationship with her brother. I guess, I'm just offering: please be gentle with yourself and your expectations of her.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by abbccj03
I think I believed for so long that abuse was with a fist. I made myself believe that it wasn't really physical abuse. I lied to myself that everyone else thinks he is wonderful and amazing and so it wasn't as bad as it really is. I can tell you that reading your responses has really helped open my eyes. Hiding this for so long and thinking nobody would believe me has been unimaginable.
I learned a couple of things after leaving an alcoholic ex:
-Lots of people will believe you because they have an alcoholic in their lives somewhere and they know how good alcoholics are at deception and denial. I was amazed by how many people told me they had an addicted spouse, child, sibling, etc. They will believe you because they've lived through it too.
-"High functioning" alcoholics aren't always as high-functioning as they think they are. You think that everyone else thinks your husband is a great guy because that's what he shows you. But I'm pretty sure that the cracks are showing. In my experience, lots of people had sensed that something was "off" about my ex, even if they weren't quite sure what it was. And he was the golden boy - charming, popular, super-helpful, etc. His disease is progressing and becoming more and more unmissable, so it's now clear there's something really wrong with him. But even when he was able to hide it better, he still didn't hide it perfectly.
You know your own truth - that your husband is a violent alcoholic, and he's dangerous to you and your children. He may also be a really nice person (when he's sober) with lots of good qualities, but right now, you and your kids are not safe around him. Congratulations to you for taking the first steps to end this cycle.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I also want to point out that even though you desperately want to believe that he doesn't know what he's doing when he is violent, he probably does. The alcohol might make him care less about what he's doing, but alcohol doesn't make nonviolent people violent. It just doesn't work that way.
I can't tell you how many cases I've seen where the seemingly out-of-control, raging alcoholic suddenly becomes calm and reasonable when the cops show up. Was he going berserk at the ER? Or was he acting like the concerned husband, as you explained how you "fell"?
I can't tell you how many cases I've seen where the seemingly out-of-control, raging alcoholic suddenly becomes calm and reasonable when the cops show up. Was he going berserk at the ER? Or was he acting like the concerned husband, as you explained how you "fell"?
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
I dont really have advice, but I think the letter your wrote was very good. It said a lot and was very honest. Plus I think his family needs to know the severity. What they do with it, you cant control but one thing Ive learned in counseling is that addiction thrives in secrets and lies. We have to stop the cycle to have a chance at being free. I lost a little bit of myself by isolating from my family and hiding the truth. Its taken me a while to figure that out. I think you took a very positive step.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 114
theuncertainty- hug is welcomed and appreciated. Thank you for your kind words. I'm pretty sure she has not responded bc she sees much of herself in my email. She and her husband are heavy drinkers. Talk about it constantly, have to have it daily. I do not expect her to be on my side bc if she accepts this reality- she would have to change her lifestyle as well. They are Irish twins and their dad died when they were young due to drunk driving and from what I have heard- he was a violent person. Especially when drinking. I am learning to realize that I can't attribute violence with the drinking. She is extremely protective over him and we clashed many times for her trying to be involved in our marriage. I don't even know why I told her all that I did. It was once I started typing- I just couldn't stop. My next step is securing safety for my kids, and then to finally confide in my best friend. She is a counselor and I know this will be a good start. She knows about his drinking problem, but only knows a tiny portion.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sorry to keep chiming in, but I just got off work and I've now had time to read your post more carefully than I was able to before.
This isn't about his being a "perfectionist." Abusers have an innate need to control those they are closest to--most often, the spouse/partner and children. I'd be willing to bet that he doesn't physically attack or emotionally belittle other people at the company picnic or when he's out with his buddies at the bar just because he doesn't care for something they've said or done. It is specific to YOU and your children. And that's not because you've "pushed his buttons" or because he's simply impatient. It's because he thinks he has the RIGHT to do it.
I'm going to recommend that you read a book called, "Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." The author is Lundy Bancroft, who has worked with batterers for decades. He is a highly respected authority on domestic violence, and several members here have said they didn't understand what was going on with the abuse until they read it. It will help you to understand the sense of entitlement batterers have, and why they think they can behave the way they do.
What you are labeling as extreme "remorse" is also very typical. It's part of what keeps victims of abuse hooked in for as long as they are. The batterer seems so SORRY and they make all kinds of excuses and promises that it will never happen again.
As I mentioned before, the alcoholism is a completely SEPARATE problem, even if the abuse is more serious when he's been drinking. But as far as the alcoholism goes, it isn't because of the drinking culture. You live in the same culture, but you don't drink alcoholically. I'm sure many of his drinking friends don't, either. It's a lot of work to get sober and happily stay that way. I've been sober eight years. My first husband has been sober 37 years. It can be done. I go out with people who like to drink, and I don't because I can't. Not a big deal for someone who is willing to do the work. From what you've described, he has ZERO interest in getting sober. I wouldn't be surprised if he starts saying that he will do anything to get you and the kids back. This is a classic ploy that alcoholics and abusers both engage in, for the purpose of manipulating you into letting them come back. They are not trustworthy promises unless and until you have seen SUSTAINED successful efforts to change. You should never give in based on nothing more than promises or token efforts (like attending a few AA meetings).
Try to get your hands on that Bancroft book and read it. It's available from Amazon and other retailers and is probably available in your local library.
This isn't about his being a "perfectionist." Abusers have an innate need to control those they are closest to--most often, the spouse/partner and children. I'd be willing to bet that he doesn't physically attack or emotionally belittle other people at the company picnic or when he's out with his buddies at the bar just because he doesn't care for something they've said or done. It is specific to YOU and your children. And that's not because you've "pushed his buttons" or because he's simply impatient. It's because he thinks he has the RIGHT to do it.
I'm going to recommend that you read a book called, "Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." The author is Lundy Bancroft, who has worked with batterers for decades. He is a highly respected authority on domestic violence, and several members here have said they didn't understand what was going on with the abuse until they read it. It will help you to understand the sense of entitlement batterers have, and why they think they can behave the way they do.
What you are labeling as extreme "remorse" is also very typical. It's part of what keeps victims of abuse hooked in for as long as they are. The batterer seems so SORRY and they make all kinds of excuses and promises that it will never happen again.
As I mentioned before, the alcoholism is a completely SEPARATE problem, even if the abuse is more serious when he's been drinking. But as far as the alcoholism goes, it isn't because of the drinking culture. You live in the same culture, but you don't drink alcoholically. I'm sure many of his drinking friends don't, either. It's a lot of work to get sober and happily stay that way. I've been sober eight years. My first husband has been sober 37 years. It can be done. I go out with people who like to drink, and I don't because I can't. Not a big deal for someone who is willing to do the work. From what you've described, he has ZERO interest in getting sober. I wouldn't be surprised if he starts saying that he will do anything to get you and the kids back. This is a classic ploy that alcoholics and abusers both engage in, for the purpose of manipulating you into letting them come back. They are not trustworthy promises unless and until you have seen SUSTAINED successful efforts to change. You should never give in based on nothing more than promises or token efforts (like attending a few AA meetings).
Try to get your hands on that Bancroft book and read it. It's available from Amazon and other retailers and is probably available in your local library.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I think I believed for so long that abuse was with a fist. I made myself believe that it wasn't really physical abuse. I lied to myself that everyone else thinks he is wonderful and amazing and so it wasn't as bad as it really is. I can tell you that reading your responses has really helped open my eyes. Hiding this for so long and thinking nobody would believe me has been unimaginable.
Many, many of us minimized abuse in one form or another. I think it's a fairly natural coping mechanism our bodies use just to get us through trauma. It is very difficult to accept the horror as it truly is while we are living in it.
I'm glad you are here, and I hope you consider an order of protection. The other suggestions with regards to counseling , and securing your home are very good as well.
I have a friend that went through years with an abusive man. The magnitude of damage to her and her children is only becoming evident now in counseling, and they are nearly 2 years out of the situation.
Hugs to you - getting him out of your home is the right thing to do - and I know it must have taken A LOT of courage!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and the kiddos. It really is such a huge thing to step back from AH and his family. There's a lot of alcohol related issues in AXH's family, too. All of his maternal uncles' deaths were alcohol related; I'm fairly certain my XFIL had issues (but it was never discussed); AXH's niece.... None of it was disclosed until after his niece nearly died in a car accident (DUI).
I totally understand the just-started-talking-and-wasn't-able-to-hold-back thing. One of the last times I spoke with XSIL, I unloaded about her brother. Truth be told, it felt really good to get it off my shoulders: not having to skirt around the issue or pretend everything is better than it actually was. So even if it wasn't going to get any support from XSIL, it was actually kind of therapeutic.
I had a really hard time separating AXH's drinking from his abusive behavior. It took a bit of looking back once I'd been gone a while to realize that some of the worst instances, he actually had not been drinking - or hadn't had as much as he usually did. If you haven't already, you might want to check out "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It helped me register more of what AXH did as not normal (abusive).
ETA: I took a long time writing and Lexie mentioned Bancroft's book already.
I totally understand the just-started-talking-and-wasn't-able-to-hold-back thing. One of the last times I spoke with XSIL, I unloaded about her brother. Truth be told, it felt really good to get it off my shoulders: not having to skirt around the issue or pretend everything is better than it actually was. So even if it wasn't going to get any support from XSIL, it was actually kind of therapeutic.
I had a really hard time separating AXH's drinking from his abusive behavior. It took a bit of looking back once I'd been gone a while to realize that some of the worst instances, he actually had not been drinking - or hadn't had as much as he usually did. If you haven't already, you might want to check out "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It helped me register more of what AXH did as not normal (abusive).
ETA: I took a long time writing and Lexie mentioned Bancroft's book already.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 114
Wow. I'm in tears reading all of your supportive, encouraging, and informative post. Lexiecat- you are absolutely correct regarding his behavior when drunk around others. He is funny, charming, and is up for hours having a great time. The instant he would walk in the door- we were either treated with the silent treatment or the angry and critical drunk. I'll go to Amazon to purchase the book.
i know we have a long journey ahead and the beginning is going to be hard and full of heartache. But we do have a sense of relief right now. We are not walking on eggshells. It's actually been a really peaceful week.
Thanks also to u fire bolt and the uncertainty for your kind and encouraging replies.
Goodnight everyone.
i know we have a long journey ahead and the beginning is going to be hard and full of heartache. But we do have a sense of relief right now. We are not walking on eggshells. It's actually been a really peaceful week.
Thanks also to u fire bolt and the uncertainty for your kind and encouraging replies.
Goodnight everyone.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
Hi there,
Your life sounds as though it's been incredibly difficult and I'm saddened to read your story.
Well done to you for having him leave - best decision, no doubt at all.
Watch out for the remorse and promises, that's the hardest part for me and when I begin to believe AH and hope again...I lose my resolve and have to work doubly hard to get it back.
The advice here is to go no contact (I haven't completely) but it does make good sense if you can.
Stay strong and keep in touch.
Best wishes
Your life sounds as though it's been incredibly difficult and I'm saddened to read your story.
Well done to you for having him leave - best decision, no doubt at all.
Watch out for the remorse and promises, that's the hardest part for me and when I begin to believe AH and hope again...I lose my resolve and have to work doubly hard to get it back.
The advice here is to go no contact (I haven't completely) but it does make good sense if you can.
Stay strong and keep in touch.
Best wishes
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