OT4Kids

Good for you for taking care of yourself and your kids. Continue to focus on yourself and your kids. Listen to the advice that you receive here. There are so many knowledgeable and strong people here that share their experiences and wisdom and understand in a way no one can unless they have been thru a similar situation.

abbccj03

Thank u again for all of the support and suggestions. So far there has been no contact since last Monday. His sister did email me back and said she read the email. She was sorry it took her a while to answer, and she supports my decision. I had to put my big girl panties in and get a rattlesnake out of our garage late last night!! Oh boy!! My son thought I rocked the situation. Lol. Taking baby steps towards independence and realizing I don't have to accept his behavior just to have someone here to help me out in life. I ordered the book that was suggested and I can't wait for it to arrive.

dandylion

abb....I just can't get over how you can take on a real, live, cornered rattlesnake....and not think that you can't go on living without a n alcoholic....
I really hope that I haven't offended you...but, I just couldn't help but note the irony!

abbccj03

He was acting like the calm concerned husband with tears of remorse in his eyes. When I fell- and knew I was injured- with blood coming out even on the sidewalk, he called me some choice names and said I was being dramatic and said I wasn't really hurt. When he saw the blood finally and knew I was injured- he panicked and started to help me. I was the one that said I would make up a story. He fully understood what he had done. He went to a dr the next day and signed up for counseling. Stopped drinking and was put on antidepressants. Went to counseling and did not drink for nearly a year. Then slowly started back. Stopped going to counseling and stopped taking antidepressants. Never admitted to an alcohol problem and never went to AA. He has not been physical with me since that night, but over time I have seen a pattern come back and I truly believe if I would have gotten out of my car a week ago he would have hurt me. I knew he had aggressively grabbed my daughter and hurt her and so I knew I was done.

abbccj03

None taken !!! I am deathly afraid of snakes. I feel empowered for facing my fears and protecting my babies. In the past- I would have called AH to come rescue me. So taking on one of my biggest fears helped me last night.

LexieCat

Sounds to me like he scared himself, realizing how much trouble he might be in, not that he was so terribly remorseful. Either way, though, it didn't last because went back to drinking. The point is, he was not out of control at the ER. It may have taken him a moment to realize how badly you were injured, but he was under control when he had to be. That's really what I was getting at.

Wow, you know, your dealing with the snake had to be some kind of sign--you're stronger and braver than you think. And that IS what you want to model for your kids. That you can and will deal with scary situations in the interest of protecting your family.

Great job, you rattler-wrangler, you!

firebolt

Wow. I like to think I am tough...lol....but I am NOT 'herd a rattlesnake out of the garage, tough" Not by any means.

I agree with Lexie - that's God, the Universe, whatever you believe in right there telling you that you are plenty strong, and plenty courageous to do what you need to do!!

abbccj03

My first instinct was to call him so he could come help me out. Then have hope that he would see how his family needs him and he would have the A-HA moment and say "I have to quit drinking bc my family needs me". But I knew where that would lead. Heartache for all of us. So I got a gun and missed so many times bc I was shaking so hard for so long!! I have lots of holes in my garage door bc I kept missing! I did laugh and say- REALLY LORD??? A RATTLESNAKE???

LexieCat

It probably died of a heart attack after the first couple of shots.

abbccj03

If we have updates- do people start a new thread or do they post a reply to the original? I am not sure which method is used most.

2ndhandrose

I like it when the original thread is used. That is just me!

Other user opinions may vary

firebolt

I agree - I think this is a great place to update - I hope you are doing well!

LexieCat

I think if it's an update related to the original post, fine, update it. But If you've got a new question or issue I think it's best to start a new thread. Because SOME people read the first post and reply to that, without reading through all the intervening posts, so you're more likely to get more responsive responses, as it were, if you start a new thread.

abbccj03

The book "Why does he do that?" arrived on Wednesday. Oh my gosh! Can't even begin to say what an amazing book this is. Really helping to open my eyes on other things.

Me and kids have a family counseling session next Wednesday. The daughter he was horrible to has individual counseling set up for Monday.

I have alerted the school counselor at my younger 2 school. They have had some melt downs the past couple of days and are missing AH something fierce. My son's teacher asked me if everything was ok. We are friends outside of school. I told her they were not- but will be one day. I gave her a brief summary so that she can help spot if my son is feeling sad and needs an extra hug. Still have not told any other friends or family. BABY STEPS! I can only handle so much emotion right now and I am trying to remain strong and just don't feel emotionally ready to tell anyone else yet.
The only contact with AH was when the kids were crying- wanting to talk to him. I let them use my phone to call and speak with him. I stood in the hallway to give them space- but to listen. He told them he would be home in a flash if I let him- but that I won't let him come home. OH H$LL NO!!! I calmly walked in and said ummmm- please do not put this off on me and pls take responsibility. He said- I didn't mean it like THAT....and I said but now they are going to blame me. So he told them this was on him and not me and he would see them at lunch. Fast forward to me picking them up- they both said- momma- why won't u let daddy come home. We miss him. He saw a Dr. He is better!!
GRRRRR. I tried to explain things again to them- but they just can't hear understand it yet. I know the counseling will help and that this will all take time.
I can only say that finding SR has been an amazing life saver. I have found so much strength reading the stories of others and taking advice from what each of your are saying.
Thanks again! I plan on finishing the book this weekend. I ordered a couple more that should be here next week.
Our evenings continue to be peaceful. My older 2 are no longer hidden in their rooms. We watched a comedy last night and laughed and laughed. It was so nice not having to wait on the awful door opening from outside and never knowing which thing would set off AH. I know my little ones are sad- but with time, they will heal and realize this is not my fault.

abbccj03

Thank u Lexiecat.

LexieCat

I'm so glad it's helping. Lundy also has written a book for professionals called, "The Batterer as Parent" that describes a lot of the sort of manipulation you're seeing with the kids. Turning you into the bad guy, etc. It's a pretty expensive book, and pretty dense reading, but if you're really interested you could probably pick it up from the library.

He's also written a more popular book called, "When Dad Hurts Mom," which is aimed at helping kids recover from the effects of witnessing the abuse of a parent at the hands of the other.

abbccj03

Just looked it up online. Holy Moly! One book is over $2,000! There were other options for $20- but the majority places had the book priced at an EXTREME mark-up. That is crazy. I think a trip to the library will be in order.

LexieCat

I think I paid 60 or so for my copy (new, latest edition). I use it for work, so it's deductible.

abbccj03

I just want to whine n cry today. Please forgive my poor me post. I made it thru a tough weekend. The younger 2 begged to go see AH at his sister's house. He came and grabbed them Saturday morning and brought them home last night. He did not try and speak with me. Only contact was via text with what time to pick them up and what time to bring them home. He has not touched a dime in our accounts. He told the little ones all of this is his fault (after his other conversation saying he would be home IF I let him) He told them it was wrong of him to have said that and that they needed to know this was all on him. He told them he was going to work on himself and fix things so he could come back home one day but that it might be many, many months.

I only asked how was the weekend and they said fun and I told them I was happy they got to see him bc I know how much they love him. They seemed happy and did not ask me any questions about what is going on or when he was coming home. I did not pry or mention anything else.
In the past- if he had drank around them- my son would always say- daddy is mean and he had a beer in his hand. He did not mention anything and I sure didn't ask. I just hugged them and told them I was happy they had a good weekend.

But inside- I am hurt and confused. They had a fun-filled weekend with movies and the zoo. All with his sister. I have had no further communication from her other than that email saying his Dr saying he was alcohol abuser, not alcoholic. I know he is not in any type of program other than the same counselor he went to yrs ago. Only one visit so far.

I guess the silence is so loud. He has not tried to beg to come home, he has not threatened me, he hasn't done anything. He has no other access to money other than our account. So if he is drinking- he is not using our money. In the past- there have been super short separations- like 3 days or so. He has never threatened me with trying to take away money, etc. He has always said he didn't want the kids to have to suffer and leave their home bc of his stupidity. He even said he would get a 2nd job if he had to in order to help so the kids would not have to leave their home. Right now nothing has to change bc he is living with his sister and has no bills.

I finished the one book- the others should arrive in the next day or so. I just have to keep my mind occupied. I still love him deeply. I want to email him with a thousand questions- but I won't. I will use SR as the place to put my thoughts and questions.

I enjoyed time with my older girls. Went out to eat and to the movies. Enjoyed the peaceful household. But still just feel BLAH. Mom n kid counseling starts on Wednesday. My 16yr old has a session today.

I know it is sick to want to know his thoughts, his plans, his feelings on what is going on. The day after the incident- he did send multiple messages saying he would do anything to fix this- he will not stop- and he will do whatever it takes to get our trust back. I know those are all just false promises bc he knew he had crossed the line and I was finally done. I just hate that my heart still has so much love and concern for him. Typing this out does help a bit bc in the past I might have sent him a message. My best friend got back in town and I am hoping to have dinner with her on Friday to let her know what is going on. She knows of a wee bit of past issues- but not the whole story. It just sucks to love and alcoholic. Thank u if u made it reading this far. lol I, too, am a work in progress. I know in my heart that the odds are against him bc his life is full of drinkers. I was the only one that doesn't live for a drink. If I go out with a friend- I can have a glass of wine or not. No big deal for me. I kept our home alcohol free to avoid his temptations. (yet he bought beer daily and hid out in our barn drinking). My head says run far, far away and never look back. It's just my stupid heart. My head knows all of the bs he has put us thru. My heart wants to believe that change is possible. My head says I am a stupid idiot.

*sigh* Just having a sad Monday.

dandylion

Abbcc....It is wise to keep your head in charge.....your heart can't be trusted, because it is too vulnerable. It is what got you into trouble, in the first place.....
Nobody said that you have to stop loving (if that is what it really is)...but an alcoholic or addict can be so damaging to their loved one that it can become necessary to love them from a distance.......