Thanks for JADE - very useful today!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Thanks for JADE - very useful today!
I think I found this site at exactly the moment I needed it. My alcoholic ex-husband has been ramping up the verbally abusive, borderline delusional communication over the last week. Emails thousands of words long, rehearsing every wrong that has ever been done to him (including things that never happened) and accusing me of every bad thing imaginable (including complicity in the genocide of native Americans, which I somehow managed to orchestrate). He insist now that he is not an alcoholic and that he was "forced to accept that label under emotional duress". He uses alcohol to manage his "unresolved issues of trauma" but he has never been addicted. Anyone who thinks he has a problem is just trying to "shame" and "stigmatize" him. Three unsuccessful rehab stints, thousands of dollars of liquor-store receipts, several police calls, a house full of empty bottle stashes, two failed marriages, thirty years of heavy drinking, and alcohol-induced cardiomyopathy suggest otherwise.
My first response is to fire back an email pointing out every untruthful statement he made and setting the record straight. Then I saw a post here about not Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining, and I thought - that's right. I don't actually need to respond to any of this. There is no possible good outcome that can result from me getting into his thinking with him. The most I will send back is a note saying that if he wants to mediate an issue involving our child, I am willing to meet with him and a mediator. Beyond that - there's no point.
My first response is to fire back an email pointing out every untruthful statement he made and setting the record straight. Then I saw a post here about not Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining, and I thought - that's right. I don't actually need to respond to any of this. There is no possible good outcome that can result from me getting into his thinking with him. The most I will send back is a note saying that if he wants to mediate an issue involving our child, I am willing to meet with him and a mediator. Beyond that - there's no point.
AHA! so it was YOU!!!!
i don't think in the current climate of crazy that i would bother sending back ANYTHING right now.
so glad you found the JADE topic just when you needed it. isn't it funny how that works??????
i don't think in the current climate of crazy that i would bother sending back ANYTHING right now.
so glad you found the JADE topic just when you needed it. isn't it funny how that works??????
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
You're probably right about no reply at all. This is the hangover from years of thinking "maybe we can just talk things out and these misunderstandings will be cleared up". But if we could "talk things out" without alcohol making things crazy, we'd still be married. And at the moment, he is in the depths of the batsh*t-crazy phase of his addiction cycle.
It's amazing that "detachment" is such a simple concept yet so hard to practice consistently. No wonder that AA, Al-Anon and as far as I know all kinds of twelve-step groups stress the Serenity Prayer so much. It's a case of "simple ain't easy".
It's amazing that "detachment" is such a simple concept yet so hard to practice consistently. No wonder that AA, Al-Anon and as far as I know all kinds of twelve-step groups stress the Serenity Prayer so much. It's a case of "simple ain't easy".
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
From one Sasha to another - although I am from the 'other side' so to speak, I had not heard of JADE but I will be using it.
I had a row with my brother in law.
He is big into humiliating people and making them feel small.
He fell out with me and insisted I apologise.
I did but did not mean it.
He sent a huge, huge long text about how hard his life was, how he is sometimes so tired he cannot wash up and dry plates from the evening meal. That he fights to keep his eyes open at work.
It went on and on and on and on and on and then on some more.
It was just under a year ago since he sent it.
I have never replied or acknowledged it.
I never will.
I feel a lot of inner peace from not being dragged into anymore of his rants and ridiculous texts.
I have nothing more to do with him and it suits me no end.
I am also a mum on my own.
I have an arrangement where I do not really to talk to my ex unless it is for the benefit of my daughter.
It was hard at first, but now its second nature. I think it helped me heal from the break up not discussing anything other than our child.
It will be interesting how he deals with your non response.
He is probably checking his inbox all the time expecting a reply and he will be puzzled when nothing arrives.
Take lots of care xx
I had a row with my brother in law.
He is big into humiliating people and making them feel small.
He fell out with me and insisted I apologise.
I did but did not mean it.
He sent a huge, huge long text about how hard his life was, how he is sometimes so tired he cannot wash up and dry plates from the evening meal. That he fights to keep his eyes open at work.
It went on and on and on and on and on and then on some more.
It was just under a year ago since he sent it.
I have never replied or acknowledged it.
I never will.
I feel a lot of inner peace from not being dragged into anymore of his rants and ridiculous texts.
I have nothing more to do with him and it suits me no end.
I am also a mum on my own.
I have an arrangement where I do not really to talk to my ex unless it is for the benefit of my daughter.
It was hard at first, but now its second nature. I think it helped me heal from the break up not discussing anything other than our child.
It will be interesting how he deals with your non response.
He is probably checking his inbox all the time expecting a reply and he will be puzzled when nothing arrives.
Take lots of care xx
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
WOW...I just had to do this today and never knew it was called this!
My AW criticized me today and I started to get worked up and respond, and thought 'consider the source of the criticism'.
That thought stopped me dead in my response, and I quite evenly just walked away without saying anything back.
It all comes down to arguing with an insane person.
I love it: JADE!
I'm so jacked on this, I think I'll bust a new dance move:
My AW criticized me today and I started to get worked up and respond, and thought 'consider the source of the criticism'.
That thought stopped me dead in my response, and I quite evenly just walked away without saying anything back.
It all comes down to arguing with an insane person.
I love it: JADE!
I'm so jacked on this, I think I'll bust a new dance move:
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,881
WOW...I just had to do this today and never knew it was called this!
My AW criticized me today and I started to get worked up and respond, and thought 'consider the source of the criticism'.
That thought stopped me dead in my response, and I quite evenly just walked away without saying anything back.
It all comes down to arguing with an insane person.
I love it: JADE!
I'm so jacked on this, I think I'll bust a new dance move:
My AW criticized me today and I started to get worked up and respond, and thought 'consider the source of the criticism'.
That thought stopped me dead in my response, and I quite evenly just walked away without saying anything back.
It all comes down to arguing with an insane person.
I love it: JADE!
I'm so jacked on this, I think I'll bust a new dance move:
Although kudos to all of you in the situation where you have to keep detaching from the craziness. It just sound so so hard!
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
...and accusing me of every bad thing imaginable (including complicity in the genocide of native Americans, which I somehow managed to orchestrate). He insist now that he is not an alcoholic and that he was "forced to accept that label under emotional duress". He uses alcohol to manage his "unresolved issues of trauma" but he has never been addicted. Anyone who thinks he has a problem is just trying to "shame" and "stigmatize" him.
So glad you found that J.A.D.E. article! Hope your day is a peaceful one
Sasha 1972......I think you make an interesting observation....that you had always thought that you could "talk things out, and, clear up misunderstandings".....
LOL!....isn't that what we were all taught, growing up? That if we would just communicate ....that was the best way to resolve conflicts with another person?
Welll......here is the sticky wicket. This works with normalish, healthy relationships ...and, it is (I believe), basically, good advice.
It does not work in relationships with addiction and abuse. Nobody told us that!! They didn't tell us that alcoholism turns all the usual rules of relationships topsy-turvy!
They didn't tell us that JADE is the tool of choice with unreasonable people...because nothing else works.
LOL!....isn't that what we were all taught, growing up? That if we would just communicate ....that was the best way to resolve conflicts with another person?
Welll......here is the sticky wicket. This works with normalish, healthy relationships ...and, it is (I believe), basically, good advice.
It does not work in relationships with addiction and abuse. Nobody told us that!! They didn't tell us that alcoholism turns all the usual rules of relationships topsy-turvy!
They didn't tell us that JADE is the tool of choice with unreasonable people...because nothing else works.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I don't know why he's sending me these long ranting narratives since I'm not likely to be convinced by any of it. From the grapevine, I hear he's interested in another woman (future ex-wife #3?), so I suspect this is him reinventing the story of his life for her, to portray himself as a victim and a great dad struggling to triumph over adversity. And definitely NOT a late-stage chronic alcoholic with unmanaged mental illnesses.
Whatever. I don't have to JADE, I can just file this away and not reply to it.
Great job at seeing it for what it is and ignoring the urge to respond.
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