jjnorris

My AH has been back to "responsible" drinking for about 3 weeks now. He went from no alcohol for about 5 months, again he never got truly sober (smoked pot) and never got help, to back to drinking 6-12 beers a night. Last night we had an argument by phone (I was at work), he was being short and obviously seemed irritated when we talked. After a bit of this passive-aggressive chatting, he eluded to being upset because we have not had sex in 6 days. I have worked 5 of the last 6 which puts me home after he goes to bed, and have a class the one night I was off. This has been an ongoing problem for us, when he feels he is not getting enough attention, usually do to circumstance ie/work, he gets sullen and cranky.
Although his drinking has not returned to the pre-stop level, he is drinking more and more and his old behaviors and attitudes are creeping back in. Last night I got home and he was "asleep" in the chair, woke up, stumbling around. I knew this would happen, knew he could not return to social drinking, nor did I support his trying. I just chose not to get in his way, accept this was his choice.
I did not leave when he told me he was going to do this, I was not strong enough. I did not lie to him, told him that when I had enough, when I was strong enough, if it got to that point I would leave.
I find myself looking this decision square in the face. I know things are only gonna get worse, I know I do not have it in me to fight his battle for him, nor should I. I know what is coming, but still find myself scared to do it, hesitant to end a 20 year marriage. I am on the edge of being strong enough which honestly sucks because knowing how this goes and knowing that I am not strong enough today feels like torture.

suzyontour

Hi there firstly sorry you are having to go through this. My AH has tried to regulate his drinking countless times to no avail. Firstly this is not your fault and secondly there is nothing you can do at all to change the situation, He has to do it. But you can change the way that you react and feel.

For me this was telling my AH to leave so that I could gain some clarity on the situation and really see what I want out of life. Its not all about him and his disease its about me and our daughter too.

I attend aa and alanon meetings, I have a sponsor and gradually im starting to feel better about myself. Removing the chaos to begin with helped me but we all have to decide for ourselves whether this is the right thing for you.

My husband is now attending meetings, I have no idea if he will embrace a 12 step programme or not but to be honest im busy working on me and my addictions to him. Yes its painful at times but I give it god. If we are meant to be together I will get well, he will get well and we will be. If not ive already started to build a life for myself.

Yes it sucks and yes it feels like a constant battle you don't want to fight. Well guess what? You don't have to. Let him fight it.

Much Love xxx

PhoenixJ

It took a catastrophic event ( me - burns-dead) for my ex to finally cut all ties. That was after 30 years. I understand why and have no blame or anger toward anyone except myself. You are strong enough- second by minute by hour by day-week,etc. With support and advice. Keep posting.

maia1234

Jj,
I am so sorry, you sound like you are surrendering, you just don't have the strength to fight the battles anymore.

To me, it was actually a relief, when I surrendered. I had been fighting for so long, to make him be the person I wanted him to be. It wasn't fair to him or me. I know you are scared to death, as each of us are. I was married for 26 years, together 34. I did it, and life is amazing now. God didn't need me after all, as he can handle each and every drunk who reaches out for help.

Take some breaths, and slowly move forward. I don't think my axh ever felt I would divorce him after so long together. Two days before signing, he asked me if we were making the "right decision". He was out every night, gone every weekend, hanging with his girlfriend for the last 2 years of our lives together, his drinking and smoking dope was costing between 1000 to 1500 a month... really, should we divorce, are you kidding me????

We are here for you, just reach out if you need support. Hugs my friend!!

dandylion

jj.....yes, you do have the strength. We all have a lot more strength than we use....
(you are just lacking in self confidence).....
If you go forward and do what you already know that you need to do...the strength shows up at just the second that you actually NEED it. It always does.
No 5 minutes, before....but, at the actual second that y ou need it!! It is amazing how it works that way.

Courage is not the absence of fear. It is going ahead and doing what you need to do...even if you are afraid.....the strength will come exactly when you need it.....
You will see....

Nata1980

JJ

Sorry you are going through this

Your AHis not cranky because of lack of sex - he is cranky because he lives with untreated alcoholism.

It really is a question of when enough is enough for you. Sounds like you are getting close.

dandylion

jj...I would like to go on the record by saying this----you are not responsible for supplying sex for him. It doesn't matter if you are married.
It is a mutual act...which means that BOTH persons wish it.
It is demeaning and dehumanizing to perform on demand.
You have a right to say no. And, without guilt!!

Nobody has ever died from lack of sex....

LexieCat

Have you talked with a lawyer? That might calm you a bit. You don't have to take immediate action, but start gathering information. It's a positive step you can do for yourself, and having some knowledge about what is involved and how you can protect yourself legally and financially will pay off down the road.

You're stronger than you think.

Maudcat

H, jj. Hugs and good thoughts. I marvel when my alcoholic sib does, yet again, something so spectacularly selfish that I have to laugh, because otherwise I would slap him or push him into the ocean.
What is it about thise disease that makes the alcoholics in our lives so self-centered? It's as if they see the world through the "what's in it for me" lens.
You sound just about done with your spouse's malarkey. Make a plan. Maybe see an attorney? Most attorneys will do a free consult. Good luck.

Eauchiche

So true, Dandy!!!
What would we do with a 1,000 pound wild animal in our house who only has two demands: feed me, and let me use the restroom on your living room rug. When you superimpose this on a human relationship, it helps put it in perspective.

atalose

It’s just a matter of time before he is at that pre-stop level and probably worse. With my ex each relapse was worse than the one before.

It is impossible for you to fight HIS battle for him. If he had diabetes, would you take his insulin shots for him in an effort to help him fight that battle? If he broke his leg, would you walk around on crutches in an effort to help him fight that battle?

Understandable, it is a process, a real eye opening learning process where acceptance- surrender needs to be reached that the fact is you cannot battle this for him. Acceptance that he chooses not to address his addiction. Acceptance that you do not have to continue to live with someone else’s untreated alcoholism.

I know many women who separate from the alcoholic, test life on their own, sit back and see if the alcoholic makes a real honesty commitment to change for a sustainable period before making the final decision of ending the marriage. Sometimes getting away from witnessing it daily by moving out or them moving out, helps us to begin to see what it is we are unable to see because we are in it.

AnvilheadII

might help if you change the narrative from "i'm not strong enough" to "i'm not ready".

you could also consider the impact ON YOU of ending a 20 year marriage versus trying to end a 30 year marriage. right now you count how many beers he consumes while he keeps tabs on how many days it's been since he last "got any". he's like a giant black hole that continually sucks in everything around it - without regard. he's selfish, impulsive, disrespectful, inconsiderate, demanding and continually asserting himself as the Center of All Things.

he is not a responsible drinker.
he is not a social drinker.
he is an alcoholic and alcohol is the CENTER of HIS universe.

firebolt

You - you're plenty strong enough, secure enough, independent enough, and brave enough.

We have this funny little voice in the back of our heads that tells us we aren't. Comparable to the alcoholic voice that tells them 'they don't need to quit, it's not that bad, they'll quit when its worse."

Ours says "you cant afford it, it will be too difficult, its not that bad, they will get better, its scary being alone."

Same thing...same steps....same willpower...same determination to do what needs to be done for a better life.

We build up supportive friends, get therapy or Alanon, and then we do it on our own timeline. You sound pretty clear about how you feel - you'll get there! You DESERVE to get there!

mylifeismine

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

warning: This is brutally truthful.

Kboys

Hi jj,
Ugh, I'm sorry you're going through this. I could have written your post a couple of times throughout my marriage. My SAH also liked to use the "I'm not getting enough sex / attention" as his default "reason" as to why he had to drink and act like an ass.

The longest period of time mine went without drinking was 9 months. He started back to it slowly. Just beer at first, just a few, then more, then whiskey (which in his mind was somehow better for him than vodka), and eventually back to vodka and back to the bars and the abusive behavior.

It is torturous going through this with them, because we've been down this road before, and we know what's going to happen sooner or later.

I understand the feeling of not being ready. It's not an easy decision to make.
You'll be ready when you're ready, but please keep yourself safe in the mean time!

Keep posting

BIG HUGS

NewRomanMan

I used sex as an excuse (any marital issue in general that I wasn't happy with) as an excuse to drink. I was too wrapped up in my own selfishness to understand that had I chosen to seek help to arrest my drinking and make an effort at recovery, most of my marital issues probably could have been resolved with a little focus and elbow grease. My point is, it's not your husbands lack of satisfaction with anything in your marriage that makes him drink. His drinking is his choice. And that is the problem. Not you or whatever it is he thinks you should or should not be doing. It's hard to have a relationship when one person simply takes the other one hostage.

FeelingGreat

JJ you do have some choices to make, but it may help to make them knowing you aren't the reason you've been put in this position. You wanted to preserve your marriage but you know you can't endure another round of living with an A.

You have done all you can, but is it worth preserving something where you are the only one who is willing to do what it takes? What is your future, say in a year's time, or 5?

Why not start your planning with legal advice, and take it from there. Just please be careful.

jjnorris

Thank you for this article. It is very honest and accurately describes the way my AH acts and things he says and does. It helps me to read this because I often felt like I was reading into or overreacting about some of his behavior, questioned the validity of some of his statements. This helped me to see that alcoholics are great manipulators and they will do anything to protect that addiction. Thank you

sauerkraut

Hi JJ,
Just wanted to say, I was there, too. I have total empathy for you; in fact, I look back and can't believe that I did manage to get out because for so long I felt like I was in a box without a door, no matter where I looked.

Here's what helped me, aside from learning from the people on this board: learning to meditate, which gave me mental space from STBXAH's craziness. His quacks weren't able to connect when I gained mental distance and perspective. It also diffused his anger when I stopped reacting to him.

Visualization: thinking about what I wanted to have in my life, and then taking one step at a time toward making that vision a reality.

It still amazes me that I don't have to live with crazy. It still amazes me that I live in a bright, peaceful apartment where I gave out at the ocean and the only sound I hear is the waves on the beach.

mylifeismine

^^ Amen