Kboys

Hi everybody,
Just wanted to get something out, and I don't have anyone in my real life that I talk to about this stuff...
My now separated AH cheated cheated on me during the height of his drinking days in our marriage. With two different women. His relationship with one of them was longer and more substantive than the other and was devastating to me.... on top of all the other devastation that his alcoholism created. When I used to see her, my heart would start racing, and I would get the chills, and just be overwhelmed with anger, and embarrassment, and sadness and regret and I don't know what else...

I did and said and texted some things to her in the past that were mean.
At the time, I didn't really feel badly about it. Maybe I felt justified. Maybe I was just so messed up from all that I was going through that I didn't care. I don't think I ever was actually angry at her nor did I blame her. I was taking my anger at AH out on her I guess.
But still, somewhere in my messed up mind I guess I felt like I needed her to know that he did not cheat on me with her because she is better than me. Maybe I thought it would make me feel better and help me to heal by making her feel like sh1t. Maybe it did for a minute of two....

She said some things to me too... but I started it. I provoked her.

Well I'm happy to say I've moved beyond that.
I see her around from time to time. Mostly driving.
But last weekend I went to a painting class. She was there with her mother in a class of 8 people. I had no emotional or physiological reaction to seeing her. None. (wish I could say the same for SAH... but that's another story) I felt actually really happy and grateful during the class, and after, because not having any reaction to seeing her feels like progress to me, and kind of freeing.

But since then, I've been having feelings of guilt for the things I said to her. Despite what happened, I did and said some things that were mean and immature. She was in love with him ( I saw her texts ) She was hurting too, and I imagine the things I did just made that worse...At this point I just mostly feel bad for her.
She seemed quite uncomfortable at the class, with me there. Maybe partly just my perception, but I could overhear some of the whispering going on between she and her mother at the class, that led me to believe that.

I don't want her to feel that way anymore. Unless one of us moves out of this small town, we will continue to see each other and possibly have to interact at some point. I don't want to be her friend, but I also don't want to feel like my presence is causing her stress or whatever emotions she's feeling....

I don't know that extending an apology to her would be appropriate, and I also don't know if I want to do that, but I was considering it.
Or maybe I should just let it go.
I can't control the way she feels about me or the way she feels around me. Might just make things worse, I don't know...

I'm thankful that I'm to the point in my recovery that I am considering apologizing to the woman who had an affair with my husband

Ok, hopefully that made a little bit of sense and I don't just sound crazy.

Thank you for reading and letting me get that out.

LexieCat

It doesn't sound crazy at all, and it's great you're ready to let go of the resentment.

Here's what I'd suggest. Maybe write her a letter expressing what you want to say and hand it to her after class. I'm just thinking that might allow her to process it without being put on the spot.

One thing, though, you should be absolutely sure you're prepared for a hostile response. If you're willing to risk that, then I think you can do it just for the sake of your own conscience. If she refuses the olive branch, that's on her. And it's her right to refuse to gracefully accept. If that happens, let it go, and don't pursue it further.

One other thing--go easy on explaining why you felt the way you did. This is about what you did, not what she did. She may feel terribly guilty, herself, and still not be in a position to accept your apology. Or she might not care about it.

So if you can go into it with that mindset, I don't see any reason not to try.

atalose

I'm happy you are at the point in your recovery where you are considering apologizing to the woman who had an affair with your husband...............BUT...........I strongly lean towards your sentence of.......Or maybe I should just let it go.

Yes you may have said some mean things out of deep hurt and anger but she is a grown woman who eyes wide open, walked into a relationship with a married man.

I think she is the one who owns the guilt here. And any uneasy feelings of discomfort when she see's you in public around town, are on her not you.

Part of our recovery issues are learning to NOT take responsibility for other people feelings. It's not our responsibility to make them feel comfortable especially when they have wronged us, disrespected our feelings, our lives and our relationships. All of which she did to you!

You have cut that string of resentment, bitterness and anger towards her leave it at that. If there are any apologies to be doled out its from her to you not the other way around. You don't need to apologize to move forward and you certainly don't need to engage her and possibly go backwards.

Bekindalways

Hi Kboys, I have no idea what you should do. I just really appreciate the description of your growth and healing. It gives me hope for all of us.

I still struggle with not feeling responsible for others' feelings although it doesn't seem like what you are doing here. You seem to be looking at things on your side of the street . . . kudos.

Let us know what you do.

PhoenixJ

FeelingGreat

If you feel you crossed the line with her, I don't see the harm in a simple apology. You'll never be mates, but it might smooth the way for future accidental encounters.
I admire the way you've moved on BTW, it shows great spiritual maturity.

Kboys

I appreciate all the thoughts and kind words, thank you!

I hear what you're saying atalose, and I know I can't be responsible for her feelings. I also don't want to minimize or make excuses for her part in what happened. Yes, she knowingly entered into a relationship with a married man . She had met me. She knew who I was. She knew we were married and had children and she still did it and that's really low. That's on her.

But I was really mean.
Maybe if I had just flipped her off and called her a pathetic wh0re with a flabby ass I wouldn't feel like this at this point.
But I thought long and hard (obsessed, actually) about what could say to her that would cut the deepest. And then I said them and then I obsessed some more about what else I could have said or said differently.... and what else I could do.... I was deeply hurting, and I wanted to hurt her.
And I don't like that I did that. I'm cutting myself some slack, considering all that I was going through at the time, but still ...I'm not typically a mean person. I'm more of a "too nice" person. And I've wondered if apologizing to the woman who had an affair with my H falls into the "too nice" category.... But I don't think so. I was deliberately cruel to her on more than one occasion, and I feel badly about it.

I think I'm going to write something out, and then I'll think about whether or not I actually give it to her.

Thanks again everybody

ladyscribbler

I get it. And it wasn't safe for you to be too angry with your husband at the time, so you displaced a lot of bottled rage. Understandable, but I know what you mean about the feeling nagging you. I think it's because when a generally nice person does something out of character, it sticks out the in the memory. And it also sounds like it would be beneficial for your recovery to own your part. No need to have that bad feeling drag you down.

Too bad you can't help seeing her around town all the time. Maybe after you make your amends, she'll get offered her dream job in Timbuktu.

Nata1980

IMO - Apologize only if it helps you. If it clears your heart and makes you feel better - go for it. You don't owe her anything. You were mean to the slime ball lady who hooked up with a married troubled drunken guy - your ex. Big whoop. And yes, you sound "too nice".

Who knows - maybe hearing those words from you helped her hit her cheating rock bottom and that was a day she started to develop a resemblance of character. Maybe it was the best day of her life when she decided to turn it around. I mean - the fault lies with your now ex, but you don't owe respect to the other woman.

My apologies everyone - I don't have any patience for cheaters today, they seem to surround me and my loved ones. A new one pops up every other day.

hopeful4

I think you need to come to a place that you forgive yourself as well friend. We have all done things we are not proud of, especially when in the throes of hurt. If you want to apologize, do it, and let it go. And forgive yourself.

Hugs.