How do I stop being so angry?
 

Hi. I am sitting here so angry and confused. I am 25 years old and both my parents are alcoholics. Although I don't talk to my dad anymore what he did to us still haunts me. My mom is my best friend. Cirrhosis almost killed her twice and in October she cut me with a knife by accident when I told her I was calling the ambulance. She has been sober for the last 8 or so years and she just started drinking again in September. After the knife incident she promised she would stop. She did until the beginning of December. She gets so bad that she cannot function in her everyday life at all. I have no other family to turn to. Last week I slept out and didn't tell her, so she got scared when I came home and said she wanted to go for inpatient care. When I called them they said she should go to detox first. Well last from last Friday until this Wednesday she was there in the hospital all drugged up and getting "detoxed". What is killing me is that now she doesn't want to go to the inpatient rehabilitation. I know her and I know she wont stick with outpatient or AA. In October she went to register for the inpatient services and never went back because she thought she kicked it - I suppose. Now all I do is yell and scream as soon as I come home. I think I'm losing my mind because I cannot handle all of this and she refuses to go get the intense help that she needs. I feel terrible because she is not drinking right now and I am not being supportive. I am going to be working from 7am until 11pm M-F and Saturday and Sunday from 9-5 all of the month of January. She has no friends and is very depressed. Who is supposed to be here for her when I'm not? I feel that she needs the 28 day treatment. What am I supposed to do? I have no one to turn to with this. I have run out of patience and strength.

Hi Alone and Confused.
Welcome to the forum!
While your mom is not drinking, talk to her about AA. Gently. She may think she is well, and AA is not just about getting people well, but keeping them that way. If she is lonely, she can meet new friends there. Exposure to other people who are trying to lick the same problem could help her realize the course she needs to take. A mirror is a useful thing.
Of course... you can't make her go. You can only present it as an option. YOU have the option of finding an alanon group for yourself to help you cope with this.
Keep posting.
Smoke

Hi alone and confused,
I am the mother of the 39 yr old that is killing himself. I grew up with an alcoholic father and then husband. My sister and I used to find my father in the gutter and have to pick him up and bring him home for which all the neighbors saw us. It was terrible. I could not imagine my mother having that problem. Have you thought of getting your own apt? The advice that I have been getting is to get help for myself. Seeing that you will be working the long hours, and noone will be with her, maybe you should think of your salvation. I know it sounds selfish, but I think it is probably the only answer. If I had to live with my son, I would be crazy. I get crazy when his wife calls me and tells me what he is doing. I am going to try a couple of alanon meetings and maybe that might be the answer for you. Let me know if I can be of any help.
Knitting Needles

Since it sounds like you want only answers that will make you life normal and sane. I do not expect you to do what I suggest, but you never know. The only thing you can and should do right now is start going to Al-Anon meetings. Go to 90 minutes in 90 days. Get into the steps. Get a sponsor (anyone will do-you can always fire them and get someone else). Read the Al-Anon approved literature. The reason an Alcoholic drinks is because (unless God intervenes) being in a drunk condition is the only time an Alcoholic feels confortable. The equivalent feeling would be not being able to empty a full bladder. You can't make that feeling just go away nor can you do something that would make an Alcoholic think they don't want to get drunk.

Thank you so much Smoke, Needles and Bollingg!!! You guys have helped so much. I am so excited to say that as I was typing that first entry on Friday night my mother left the house...
She actually scared me when I realized that she didn't go to take the dog out because the liquor store is right around the block. I was afraid that she had gone to get a drink because I had yelled at her. I hate being afraid all of the time. She was going to an AA meeting that I had mentioned was taking place at 8:00 right down the block!! Unfortunately, the meetngs there have been cancelled indefinately, but she did go to one on Saturday night!!! I cannot tell you guys how happy I was when she got home. She was practically glowing. She couldn't stop chattering about the people and the gifts she got (they gave her the Big Book and a living sober book as gifts). She got 2 phone numbers from women (even work numbers which I think meant so much to her) that were going through the same thing and can understand as I cannot. I hope I am not getting excited too easily, but to see the glimmer of joy in her eyes was something I cannot even explain to you. She thanked me for "forcing" her to go which made me a little nervous, but as long as she went...
She's now talking about going to those, but that they are only 2 days a week, so she wants to try other ones as well!!!
You guys helped me more than I can say. I actually feel a little guilty going on and on about this. I know it is just a small step and it's only been one meeting. We'll see if she sticks to it. I hope so.
I thank you guys again from the bottom of my heart. I don't feel so alone anymore =)

Hey A&C!
Hooray! A step toward the steps! Okay... mom went, how about you? Can you find some meetings for yourself?
And please... feel free to go on and on. That's what we're here for. I do it all the time. Feels gooooooood.

Smoke

Needles, I have so many stories like that about my dad. Like you, I have been around this my entire life. You would think that it would get easier for us or that we would become experts. How is your son? Since your ex went through the same thing (sort of) as your son, does he try to get involved or help you in any way? I noticed also that people keep mentioning that you should worry about you and concentrate on you. That is the hardest thing in the world. I "share" me apartment with my mom. We split the rent so that we can live in a nice neighborhood. I can't imagine ever leaving her. I would feel like I was abandoning her. Trust me when she's drunk I definately could in a heartbeat, but then I picture her when she's sober and I hate myself for even considering leaving her. She is really like an angel from heaven. She has a heart of gold and would give a stranger the shirt off her back. We have no other family - me and her that's it. You know what I picture all the time? And this sounds stupid, but in the movie 'Pay it Forward' (if you've seen it) Helen Hunts' characters mom is a homeless drunk. That is exactly what would happen to my mom and I couldn't live with myself. Wow I sound like a little kid talking about movies...ha ha
Let me know how you are.

Hey Smoke!! Do you ever shut your PC off??? ha ha
It feels great knowing you're always there. Actually, I'm going to ask Bollingg if he knows where those meetings are. I was having trouble finding them in my area and he's near me. Anyway, I wanted to thank you again.

Bollingg,
Thank you. You mentioned those 90 90 meetings. What are they? I've never heard of them. When I tried to find Al-anon meetings near me they only had ones listed in Rockland and upstate. I noticed we are from the same area so I figured maybe you could point me to them. Yellow Pages? Website? I have no idea where to find them.
Thanks again for your advice =)

HI A&C....
Sure, I shut my mac down sometimes... But when it's on, I'm checking here.

90 90 means 90 meetings in 90 days. It's fast track beginning recovery. Check your local phone book for alanon or al-anon. Here it's in the white pages. Chances are, if Pernell sees this post he will swoop in with some meeting times and places for you. I haven't figured out how he does it. Mirrors?

Smoke

Thanks Smoke. It's going to be hard because of work. Starting Wed. I'll be out of the house from about 8am until 11pm and 9-5 Sat and Sun. Thankfully, it's only a month. I've been reading my mom's Big Book though. I don't know if that helps, but I can't put it down.

Sure, A&C...
it all helps. I have work problems, too.
Does this help?

^NEW YORK- Greater NY Al-Anon Intergroup (212-941-0094) 350 Broadway, Ste 404, 10013


Smoke

Hi alone & confused,
If you knew my son, he is the most handsome, gentle & caring young man when he is sober. He has the biggest heart also, and like your mother he has a problem. I know one thing, after living with my husband, I could not live with my son when he does these things. Just seeing him the other day, so skeletal, I sobbed my heart out, in front of him which I did not want to do, but it just happened. Who knows what the answer is, I sure as heck don't. Like everyone here has been wishing me, I wish you all the success in the world. P.s. my mother died when I was 16, so it means even more to me that your mother gets healthy, because I know how it is to live without one. Best of luck.

Hi Alone and confused,
I hope that your mom gets the help she needs. It must be very difficult for you having both parents alcoholics. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and I have an incurable illness and I know that this has hurt our daughters very much. Your parents are very lucky to have a daughter that cares so much for them. Do what you can to take good care of yourself, put your parents in Gods hands and hopefully things will look up for your family in the New Year