AH done with treatment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
AH done with treatment
Venting because I need to.
Due to a weird business change right in the midst of his program, they referred members to other locations and interviewed them all, so AH was dismissed from the program and instructed to continue with AA..but he is done after about 50 days in the program. I feel frustrated to say the least. He was supposed to complete through May.
And he is all up in my business on my recovery and pointing fingers at my faults and how I've changed etc etc. I actuality I am being more "me" than I ever have been and he is now sober and experiencing life as it has been for years...I really don't think he actually likes me, just likes the idea of being married to his idea of me. But that's a different issue.
Quacks that really bothered me I heard last night was:
"I really think I could have quit drinking at any time, cold turkey no problem like I have done. I just chose not to. I was drinking and drinking and you always drove us where we needed to go, so why would I quit?"
"I would really like to be able to have just a beer or few this summer or for so and so's wedding...that will be a year for me and I think I can allow myself that"
So his YEARS of alcohol abuse and abuse of me could have just stopped...but because of ME he didn't stop...that hurt to hear. And he said it so matter of fact and has no realization of how loaded of a statement that is. Ugh.
Due to a weird business change right in the midst of his program, they referred members to other locations and interviewed them all, so AH was dismissed from the program and instructed to continue with AA..but he is done after about 50 days in the program. I feel frustrated to say the least. He was supposed to complete through May.
And he is all up in my business on my recovery and pointing fingers at my faults and how I've changed etc etc. I actuality I am being more "me" than I ever have been and he is now sober and experiencing life as it has been for years...I really don't think he actually likes me, just likes the idea of being married to his idea of me. But that's a different issue.
Quacks that really bothered me I heard last night was:
"I really think I could have quit drinking at any time, cold turkey no problem like I have done. I just chose not to. I was drinking and drinking and you always drove us where we needed to go, so why would I quit?"
"I would really like to be able to have just a beer or few this summer or for so and so's wedding...that will be a year for me and I think I can allow myself that"
So his YEARS of alcohol abuse and abuse of me could have just stopped...but because of ME he didn't stop...that hurt to hear. And he said it so matter of fact and has no realization of how loaded of a statement that is. Ugh.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Sounds to me like he's "done" with treatment in more than one sense, thousandwords. I think things might be starting to look pretty clear to you...
If you don't have plans of your own, now would be a good time to make some. If you do have plans of your own, now is the time you need to stick to them.
You can do it.
If you don't have plans of your own, now would be a good time to make some. If you do have plans of your own, now is the time you need to stick to them.
You can do it.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
That's not recovery talking.... quack, quack, quack.
It sounds like he's already setting himself up for an "allowable" relapse and that he's already pushing at your boundaries, looking to see how far you'll bend. Staying focused on YOUR needs right now is the important thing.
It sounds like he's already setting himself up for an "allowable" relapse and that he's already pushing at your boundaries, looking to see how far you'll bend. Staying focused on YOUR needs right now is the important thing.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hey, to his credit, he is letting you know EXACTLY where he stands on the recovery issue. He doesn't have a problem, everything is your fault.
FWIW, their keeping him longer wouldn't have changed his underlying attitude.
The good news is that you were all ready to roll when he unexpectedly took this detour. I'd be pulling out those pieces and getting them ready to put into action.
FWIW, their keeping him longer wouldn't have changed his underlying attitude.
The good news is that you were all ready to roll when he unexpectedly took this detour. I'd be pulling out those pieces and getting them ready to put into action.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
I am so SO SO thankful I know about quacks and can identify them now. It really messes with me mentally when I am trying to follow my own truths and compass. I know my reality and am learning to trust it. I had a counseling appt Friday and it was perfect timing to give me added strength.
I kept repeating to him that I am ok, and to please drop the subject and to focus on himself. repeated it over again. That I am 3 years into my own recovery and I know myself better than ever. Him parroting back half information from his treatment program...So exhausting.
Also, I am trying to pay attention to actions vs. words and he is laying it on thick with gifts and dates and flowers, social media posts... etc...looks good from the outside but it is just a bandaid. He is all about controlling me to be who he wants in his eyes. Control control control...just like he controls when he goes off the rails and when he is sober. All to his benefit.
I kept repeating to him that I am ok, and to please drop the subject and to focus on himself. repeated it over again. That I am 3 years into my own recovery and I know myself better than ever. Him parroting back half information from his treatment program...So exhausting.
Also, I am trying to pay attention to actions vs. words and he is laying it on thick with gifts and dates and flowers, social media posts... etc...looks good from the outside but it is just a bandaid. He is all about controlling me to be who he wants in his eyes. Control control control...just like he controls when he goes off the rails and when he is sober. All to his benefit.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
"I really think I could have quit drinking at any time, cold turkey no problem like I have done. I just chose not to. I was drinking and drinking and you always drove us where we needed to go, so why would I quit?"
"I would really like to be able to have just a beer or few this summer or for so and so's wedding...that will be a year for me and I think I can allow myself that"
So his YEARS of alcohol abuse and abuse of me could have just stopped...but because of ME he didn't stop...that hurt to hear
"I would really like to be able to have just a beer or few this summer or for so and so's wedding...that will be a year for me and I think I can allow myself that"
So his YEARS of alcohol abuse and abuse of me could have just stopped...but because of ME he didn't stop...that hurt to hear
And he is not ready to stop drinking. It's so disheartening when they give a little glimmer of hope, and then smash it in a couple sentences.
Keep working on you.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The whole weird business change at the facility sounds like a bunch of crap to me. He is quitting recovery and planning to drink again period. This is what would be bothering me more than him saying some words of blame towards me.
His future is being laid out for you……..he is going to drink again………..what does your future look like for you?
His future is being laid out for you……..he is going to drink again………..what does your future look like for you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by atalose 
The whole weird business change at the facility sounds like a bunch of crap to me. He is quitting recovery and planning to drink again period. This is what would be bothering me more than him saying some words of blame towards me.
His future is being laid out for you……..he is going to drink again………..what does your future look like for you?
His future is being laid out for you……..he is going to drink again………..what does your future look like for you?
Any hopes I had were dashed.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by thousandwords53
I actuality I am being more "me" than I ever have been and he is now sober and experiencing life as it has been for years...I really don't think he actually likes me, just likes the idea of being married to his idea of me. But that's a different issue.
Quacks that really bothered me I heard last night was:
"I really think I could have quit drinking at any time, cold turkey no problem like I have done. I just chose not to. I was drinking and drinking and you always drove us where we needed to go, so why would I quit?"
"I would really like to be able to have just a beer or few this summer or for so and so's wedding...that will be a year for me and I think I can allow myself that"
So his YEARS of alcohol abuse and abuse of me could have just stopped...but because of ME he didn't stop...that hurt to hear. And he said it so matter of fact and has no realization of how loaded of a statement that is. Ugh.
Quacks that really bothered me I heard last night was:
"I really think I could have quit drinking at any time, cold turkey no problem like I have done. I just chose not to. I was drinking and drinking and you always drove us where we needed to go, so why would I quit?"
"I would really like to be able to have just a beer or few this summer or for so and so's wedding...that will be a year for me and I think I can allow myself that"
So his YEARS of alcohol abuse and abuse of me could have just stopped...but because of ME he didn't stop...that hurt to hear. And he said it so matter of fact and has no realization of how loaded of a statement that is. Ugh.
This sounds like your husband trying to convince you or anyone else that he's completely in control of his addiction. It's a way of minimizing the severity of the problem, so he can treat it like not such a big problem (and/or not deal with it at all). Sure, I could've stopped whenever I wanted, I just didn't bother. I know I'll be completely recovered for so and so's wedding and can have a few beers, because recovery is no big deal. What's your problem?
He has no intention of stopping drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Hey, to his credit, he is letting you know EXACTLY where he stands on the recovery issue. He doesn't have a problem, everything is your fault.
FWIW, their keeping him longer wouldn't have changed his underlying attitude.
The good news is that you were all ready to roll when he unexpectedly took this detour. I'd be pulling out those pieces and getting them ready to put into action.
FWIW, their keeping him longer wouldn't have changed his underlying attitude.
The good news is that you were all ready to roll when he unexpectedly took this detour. I'd be pulling out those pieces and getting them ready to put into action.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Do what you need to do. If he doesn't get it and isn't even willing to try, maybe it's time for you to move on. No alcoholic likes being left alone with their own stupidity for company, but maybe that's just what he needs. Prayers to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Hi Thousandwords, I've been thinking of you. It sounds like he is telling you his truths and how he will live his life. Don't waste your time and attention on his quacks.
You can live your life, your truths, walk your recovery path and be happy.
You can live your life, your truths, walk your recovery path and be happy.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I kept repeating to him that I am ok, and to please drop the subject and to focus on himself. repeated it over again.
Also, I am trying to pay attention to actions vs. words and he is laying it on thick with gifts and dates and flowers, social media posts... etc...looks good from the outside but it is just a bandaid. He is all about controlling me to be who he wants in his eyes. Control control control...just like he controls when he goes off the rails and when he is sober. All to his benefit
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by atalose
You only have to say it once! You have the choice to end any conversation that does not go well and you have the right to NOT answer the phone again after you have hung up.
He is going to do whatever he thinks is working. Any recognition from you even a thank you is probably scene as him winning you back over or should I say winning you right back to how he wants you to be, passive and accepting of any and all of his behaviors.
He is going to do whatever he thinks is working. Any recognition from you even a thank you is probably scene as him winning you back over or should I say winning you right back to how he wants you to be, passive and accepting of any and all of his behaviors.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Honestly thousand, nothing that he said shows any true recovery-
nothing, just quacking, how sad.
I agree with the others, he is planning to drink, if he hasn't already.
Don't lose your hard won recovery strides over this, not worth it.
As you are getting your plans ready though, one thing that dramatically
reduced quacking by my AH (currently still current) was grabbing a
pen & paper & writing it down in front of him, asking him to repeat
verbatum. Some off the stuff was so twisted he simply couldn't do
it. My demeanor while taking notes was to be sincere, as though I
really wanted to understand, which at first I did because, of course,
I thought it was me. But it wasn't and the note taking helped me
by letting me see that & shutting him up. I would ask questions,
like "so your saying I caused your drinking" right? And he would
say no, and then "so what are you saying". It took 2 incidents of
me taking notes and things changed.
I realize this may not work for you, just sharing because in my
case it did and left me with much more peace. This in turn
allows me too see the reality of my life more clearly.
Early on in my recovery The Question of Blame was resoundly
silenced by the 3 c's. As I stated to him, well if I could cause it
I could stop it as well, and how is that working for us? I reminded
him I'm not able to control the weather either.
nothing, just quacking, how sad.
I agree with the others, he is planning to drink, if he hasn't already.
Don't lose your hard won recovery strides over this, not worth it.
As you are getting your plans ready though, one thing that dramatically
reduced quacking by my AH (currently still current) was grabbing a
pen & paper & writing it down in front of him, asking him to repeat
verbatum. Some off the stuff was so twisted he simply couldn't do
it. My demeanor while taking notes was to be sincere, as though I
really wanted to understand, which at first I did because, of course,
I thought it was me. But it wasn't and the note taking helped me
by letting me see that & shutting him up. I would ask questions,
like "so your saying I caused your drinking" right? And he would
say no, and then "so what are you saying". It took 2 incidents of
me taking notes and things changed.
I realize this may not work for you, just sharing because in my
case it did and left me with much more peace. This in turn
allows me too see the reality of my life more clearly.
Early on in my recovery The Question of Blame was resoundly
silenced by the 3 c's. As I stated to him, well if I could cause it
I could stop it as well, and how is that working for us? I reminded
him I'm not able to control the weather either.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
He's bargaining. My Abf has done this hundreds of times and each time followed by a full blown relapse. "I just want to have a few beers like on vacation, I can handle it"
Also, I first learned he was going to inpatient treatment for a month, next it changed to outpatient..now it's outpatient and a couple weeks. It's just always some way he has of diminishing real treatment. I understand your frustration. We are trying to control something uncontrollable. It is futile.
Also, I first learned he was going to inpatient treatment for a month, next it changed to outpatient..now it's outpatient and a couple weeks. It's just always some way he has of diminishing real treatment. I understand your frustration. We are trying to control something uncontrollable. It is futile.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by mylifeismine
Honestly thousand, nothing that he said shows any true recovery-
nothing, just quacking, how sad.
I agree with the others, he is planning to drink, if he hasn't already.
Don't lose your hard won recovery strides over this, not worth it.
As you are getting your plans ready though, one thing that dramatically
reduced quacking by my AH (currently still current) was grabbing a
pen & paper & writing it down in front of him, asking him to repeat
verbatum. Some off the stuff was so twisted he simply couldn't do
it. My demeanor while taking notes was to be sincere, as though I
really wanted to understand, which at first I did because, of course,
I thought it was me. But it wasn't and the note taking helped me
by letting me see that & shutting him up. I would ask questions,
like "so your saying I caused your drinking" right? And he would
say no, and then "so what are you saying". It took 2 incidents of
me taking notes and things changed.
I realize this may not work for you, just sharing because in my
case it did and left me with much more peace. This in turn
allows me too see the reality of my life more clearly.
Early on in my recovery The Question of Blame was resoundly
silenced by the 3 c's. As I stated to him, well if I could cause it
I could stop it as well, and how is that working for us? I reminded
him I'm not able to control the weather either.
nothing, just quacking, how sad.
I agree with the others, he is planning to drink, if he hasn't already.
Don't lose your hard won recovery strides over this, not worth it.
As you are getting your plans ready though, one thing that dramatically
reduced quacking by my AH (currently still current) was grabbing a
pen & paper & writing it down in front of him, asking him to repeat
verbatum. Some off the stuff was so twisted he simply couldn't do
it. My demeanor while taking notes was to be sincere, as though I
really wanted to understand, which at first I did because, of course,
I thought it was me. But it wasn't and the note taking helped me
by letting me see that & shutting him up. I would ask questions,
like "so your saying I caused your drinking" right? And he would
say no, and then "so what are you saying". It took 2 incidents of
me taking notes and things changed.
I realize this may not work for you, just sharing because in my
case it did and left me with much more peace. This in turn
allows me too see the reality of my life more clearly.
Early on in my recovery The Question of Blame was resoundly
silenced by the 3 c's. As I stated to him, well if I could cause it
I could stop it as well, and how is that working for us? I reminded
him I'm not able to control the weather either.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Originally Posted by RollTide
He has plans. They include alcohol.
Do you have plans?
Do you have plans?
Keep posting, breathing and doing the next right thing.
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