Left my alcoholic bf
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 6
Left my alcoholic bf
Hello, everyone!
So my story is probably not new go all of you.. 8 months ago met an amazing guy, from the beginning he told me that he used to have problems with drinking, though he wasn't using word 'alcoholic'. He was volunteering for an organisation that helps alcoholics, had a stable job, he told me about his drinking (when he losy his mother), so I assumed he's not an alcoholic, just had some problems with dealing with grief. Later on in our relationship he came clear, that he is an alcoholic. His organisation where he was getting therapy had a weird approach about 'controlled drinking' (I am sure this is the case, it's not only something my bf wanted me to believe, I went to some events woth the organisation and they, knowing that he is an addict, weren't against him drinking one beer.. It might be cultural differences, I know in the country where my bf lives it's common to advice 'controlled drinking') and it was a major red flag for me. We had a long distance relationship, seeing each other only one week per month. When he was with me, he was absolutely perfect, the best boyfriend I could wish for, attentive and caring. When we weren't together, he was also coping quite well (has a stable job, social connections, etc). But every once in a while he had one day when he drank until he passed out. Even drunk he was kind to me, etc, never violent or manipulative, always sorry for his actions. Though,he has previous problems with self harm. After a couple of months I sit him down to talk and said that this 'controlled drinking' is not working and he needs help. He agreed with me and he decided that he wants to stop drinking whatsoever, on the dame day he found therapist and was going to sessions for 12 weeks. He was clean for 3 weeks (2 pf them we spent together), and then he got drunk and was drinking non stop for three days. Before that he was saying that he feels that he needs to go to rehab because he needs more help and three days before his meeting with his therapist about rehab he started the drinking binge. Today he sobered up and was acting like nothing happened. I told him that I am not angry (I am not, I'm sad for him), but I can't be in a relationship where I don't trust my partner (especially that it is long distance and we've been together for such a short time) and we need to break up. I told him it's not a 'punishment' for drinking, also that I will support him in his recovery as a friend (today he is going to talk to therapist about going to rehab). I never loved anyone as much as I love him, but I think relationship at this stage is impossible, he needs to focus on his recovery... Today is a very very sad day to me but I am hoping I did the right thing. I am worried though that I should have stayed with him at least until he got into rehab...but at the same time I don't want him going there and having hopes of our future together, because I am not sure we have one (even if I really really want to believe that we do)
So my story is probably not new go all of you.. 8 months ago met an amazing guy, from the beginning he told me that he used to have problems with drinking, though he wasn't using word 'alcoholic'. He was volunteering for an organisation that helps alcoholics, had a stable job, he told me about his drinking (when he losy his mother), so I assumed he's not an alcoholic, just had some problems with dealing with grief. Later on in our relationship he came clear, that he is an alcoholic. His organisation where he was getting therapy had a weird approach about 'controlled drinking' (I am sure this is the case, it's not only something my bf wanted me to believe, I went to some events woth the organisation and they, knowing that he is an addict, weren't against him drinking one beer.. It might be cultural differences, I know in the country where my bf lives it's common to advice 'controlled drinking') and it was a major red flag for me. We had a long distance relationship, seeing each other only one week per month. When he was with me, he was absolutely perfect, the best boyfriend I could wish for, attentive and caring. When we weren't together, he was also coping quite well (has a stable job, social connections, etc). But every once in a while he had one day when he drank until he passed out. Even drunk he was kind to me, etc, never violent or manipulative, always sorry for his actions. Though,he has previous problems with self harm. After a couple of months I sit him down to talk and said that this 'controlled drinking' is not working and he needs help. He agreed with me and he decided that he wants to stop drinking whatsoever, on the dame day he found therapist and was going to sessions for 12 weeks. He was clean for 3 weeks (2 pf them we spent together), and then he got drunk and was drinking non stop for three days. Before that he was saying that he feels that he needs to go to rehab because he needs more help and three days before his meeting with his therapist about rehab he started the drinking binge. Today he sobered up and was acting like nothing happened. I told him that I am not angry (I am not, I'm sad for him), but I can't be in a relationship where I don't trust my partner (especially that it is long distance and we've been together for such a short time) and we need to break up. I told him it's not a 'punishment' for drinking, also that I will support him in his recovery as a friend (today he is going to talk to therapist about going to rehab). I never loved anyone as much as I love him, but I think relationship at this stage is impossible, he needs to focus on his recovery... Today is a very very sad day to me but I am hoping I did the right thing. I am worried though that I should have stayed with him at least until he got into rehab...but at the same time I don't want him going there and having hopes of our future together, because I am not sure we have one (even if I really really want to believe that we do)
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
For what it's worth, I think you did absolutely the right thing. I'm eight years sober and have been around alcoholics and recovery for a very long time (first husband got sober 37 years ago). Your staying would not improve his chances. Maybe the rehab will get him on the right track. Wait and see. But I think waiting until you see how he makes out before getting further involved is a very smart move.
Hugs,
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You met someone 8 months ago where you only spent 1 week a month with him, so that’s really just 2 months of an actual interpersonal relationship not an online one. You discovered qualities about him that you don’t like and you broke up with him, smart! That’s what “dating” is all about not all relationships are going to work out. We cannot allow ourselves to fall so hard so quickly for the wrong people then spend all of our time trying to fit that square peg into the round hole we envision life with them could be, it just doesn’t work.
I guess I am old school when it comes to this, but………….any long distance internet/texting/cell phone/facetime/skype relationship is going to be wonderful because to me it’s not really real! People can act as who they want to be for a short period of time, they can say whatever they want to say but the real honesty truth doesn’t come out until both are face to face for a duration of time. And then that’s when I hear…………..but had I known. I didn’t see this coming. I never thought they would do this to me. I’ve given up everything for them. I’ve lost so much money sending it to them for our future. And that list goes on and on and on.
If you’ve fallen so very hard for him in just this short period of time then I would suggest that you need to step away from him and this relationship all together. Don’t downgrade to “friends only” that’s just another way of not letting go of what you thought could have been.
I guess I am old school when it comes to this, but………….any long distance internet/texting/cell phone/facetime/skype relationship is going to be wonderful because to me it’s not really real! People can act as who they want to be for a short period of time, they can say whatever they want to say but the real honesty truth doesn’t come out until both are face to face for a duration of time. And then that’s when I hear…………..but had I known. I didn’t see this coming. I never thought they would do this to me. I’ve given up everything for them. I’ve lost so much money sending it to them for our future. And that list goes on and on and on.
If you’ve fallen so very hard for him in just this short period of time then I would suggest that you need to step away from him and this relationship all together. Don’t downgrade to “friends only” that’s just another way of not letting go of what you thought could have been.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
NBE,
Good for you for ending it. I wish I did that and didn't waste 34 years of my life with my addict, waiting for him to go to rehab. I know it hurts today, but in the long run, you are making the best choice possible.
His addiction is a one man show. There is nothing that you can do for him, but get out of his way. He knows all the good things he has lost in his life because his first love is alcohol, its truly sad.
Work on your recovery, hits some meetings, keep reading all over this forum. You will slowly get it, why we all say walk away and don't look back.
Hugs, you will be OK.
Good for you for ending it. I wish I did that and didn't waste 34 years of my life with my addict, waiting for him to go to rehab. I know it hurts today, but in the long run, you are making the best choice possible.
His addiction is a one man show. There is nothing that you can do for him, but get out of his way. He knows all the good things he has lost in his life because his first love is alcohol, its truly sad.
Work on your recovery, hits some meetings, keep reading all over this forum. You will slowly get it, why we all say walk away and don't look back.
Hugs, you will be OK.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I guess I am old school when it comes to this, but………….any long distance internet/texting/cell phone/facetime/skype relationship is going to be wonderful because to me it’s not really real! People can act as who they want to be for a short period of time,
I agree. My boyfriend of nearly 2 years ( hes been working away a lot during that time) has just raised a massive red flag I honestly never saw coming. It only came about cos of a comedy on TV and him admitting something about his past I had no idea he's been like. It's a deal breaker so well done for getting things over before it went on any longer.
I agree. My boyfriend of nearly 2 years ( hes been working away a lot during that time) has just raised a massive red flag I honestly never saw coming. It only came about cos of a comedy on TV and him admitting something about his past I had no idea he's been like. It's a deal breaker so well done for getting things over before it went on any longer.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
I believe you have made the best decision for both of you and well done for acting swiftly.
There will now be some difficult days/weeks ahead but you will get through - fortunately you have invested only 8 months in this relationship - you can start over again after you've taken some time for your own healing.
Best wishes
There will now be some difficult days/weeks ahead but you will get through - fortunately you have invested only 8 months in this relationship - you can start over again after you've taken some time for your own healing.
Best wishes
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