Ladybird579

I read many posts here about drama surrounding the alcoholic/addict and how it seems to go on and on and round and round with circular arguments, circular ultimatums and deadlines that come and go for improvement in behavior while things get steadily worse. DUI's, often abuse, forgiveness for abuse, abuse again...on and on. Hope for change, change not happening, hope again. Filing for divorce, withdrawing file cos a glimmer hope came along cos alcoholic didn't drink one day last week. ( if they weren't lying that is)

I did all of this including 4 kick outs and allowing him back. I realised I was addicted to the drama. The option to stop it all was in my power if just stopped feeling comfortable with all the drama and settled for peace and quiet.

I don't know how I stopped feeling comfortable tho so this post isn't very insightful really but I woke up one day and thought I've had enough of this. I reached my bottom.

hopeful4

I have definitely found this within myself. I lived walking on eggshells and having anxiety for so long that I don't even know how to break the cycle. Of course, the continued exposure with my XAH and my children does not help b/c he is always doing something that affects their lives in such negative ways.

It's a hard thing....

Ladybird579

It is hard. My boys are adults now but even tho I have told them I do not want to hear about exah one still tells me things. Latest he has been in court ordered rehab. ( does that even work if forced on the alcoholic btw). I find it hard to keep my cool and would rather not know. I've told my son many times I am not interested but he forgets. My only way to break the cycle was complete no contact which can't be done if you have children. Unless they disappear and leave you alone.

hopeful4

Yes, I agree. There are some days I feel like the stress of this is going to kill me, then my horrible X will get custody of my daughter. For myself, once my children are grown I don't think I will have the stress because I just don't care. I feel empathy for my children of course, and will even when they are grown (one is almost legal age). I think I will pretend that he and his wife don't exist at that point.

For myself, the anxiety is not surrounded by what happens to him, only how it affects my children.

Thank you for posting this, it makes me realize that I still have LOTS more work to do on myself and for myself.

aliciagr

Thanks for sharing this Ladybird.

I was reading something a while back and it said that sometimes the dysfunction comes on gradually, we dont see it for a very long time. Sort of like when you swim out into the water, and then you run into an undercurrent and then you know you have to get back to shore.
Maybe you just felt the undercurrent?

Ive been reading this book on family dynamics that my therapist gave me, and it talks about kids especially who live in various sorts of dysfunction. When there is drama and it creates anxiety or various other emotions.. when kids get older and move out of the home, they often have trouble dealing with life without that constant source of drama and the related emotions. So often they begin to unconsciously seek out dysfunction, or begin behaviors that cause the drama to come to them. But it can go on for a long time with the person not understanding why they are doing what they are.

All I want is drama free. Fortunately I grew up that way, and I really think its helping me find my way back to that place.

We dont know what we have until its gone, or maybe until we find it for the first time.

LexieCat

Not unlike the "moment of clarity" that allows alcoholics and addicts to finally decide to get off the merry-go-round. I've always preferred that idea to the notion of "hitting bottom"--because the moment of clarity can happen any time. I'm thankful to have had mine before my life got more messed up than it was. Certainly I could have fallen much further (and still could, if I ever forget what it's like).

teatreeoil007

The older I get the less drama I seem to be able to tolerate.

Jo2017

I've found myself wishing my kids were grown so that I could move far away and start over. Then I feel guilty wishing their childhoods away--but it would sure make it easier!