Mlo1125

Anyone else have trouble sleeping after being emotionally drained? Tonight was torture trying to keep him out of the house, he kept coming back like a scene from the walking dead when the zombies are at the door. After a bad struggle to keep him out the front, He finally got in through the back door when I fell asleep, I forgot how easy it was to shake that lock free. He doesn't remember fighting me to get in, taking my phone so I couldn't call the police or holding me against a wall with his arm pushing my throat. He does remember me biting him to get him off and out and says I assaulted him. This has NEVER happened before, I honestly don't even recognize him. I have never been afraid of him before. Today is his birthday, I cancelled dinner obviously.
How could I go from being the best thing in his life and his favorite person and loved so.much a week ago, to being a psychopath monster and the biggest mistake he's made? He said I showed my true colors and that he just doesn't love me anymore, apparently since 3 days ago when I was "mean to him". I'm seriously distraught and so confused. I shouldn't be, I know that it's textbook patterns, but I just didn't see this coming, especially so sudden and so drastic. I just can't wrap my head around it. Can't sleep or eat or do anything but shake and cry. I'm seeing a dr. Today, don't like the idea of pills to help calm down, but I'm a wreck. I felt so strong hours ago, and like small beaten puppy right now. All whIle he's just convinced that he's perfect and I'm a monster. I just can't believe this is happening.

FeelingGreat

Mlo, this is shocking news, and very frightening. No wonder you can't sleep. Where is he now? Are you safe?
Please look after yourself. I hope you will get advice from a DV line, and an order to keep him away from you. The throat thing is a very bad sign.
Was he drunk when this happened? The fact that he 'can't remember' makes me think so.

Mlo1125

Yes, he was drunk. Instant amnesia. He left for work a few minutes ago. I am just in complete shock. It feels like a death. I just can't stop crying. I'm trying to ice my facell to get rid of signs of crying before my kids get up, the have no idea what went on last night and I'd like to keep them.from seeing me sad. I have to explain to them today that he will be leaving and I don't know if I can hold it together to do it. My daughters love him so much. So do I, but this is not him.

FeelingGreat

Mlo, how will you keep him out next time he gets drunk? Have you considered legal options, and upgrading security? The fact that he was physical with you should get you a protective order.
I'm worried about you. The phone and throat thing are so frightening, and rightly so.

Mlo1125

Yes, I think I'm going to get a restraining order to keep it away from my kids. I know I have to bring myself to do it. I'm trying really hard to work up the courage to do it. I don't know why it's so hard. Maybe deepdown there's a shred of hope thawon't let go and it's holding me back from it. While I muster up the courage, I'm going to ask my brother to stay with me and change my locks.

FeelingGreat

Hi
Hope you're getting some sleep now. Please don't let your reluctance to take this further stop you getting a restraining order. It will allow you to call the police as soon as he shows up. While he's the man you love sober, he's dangerous drunk, and it could escalate. I'm so sorry its come to this.

dandylion

Do call the dv center or the court and find out how to get a protective order. This IS him. It wasn't someone else...it was him.
Maybe, it was the first time, but, it won't be the last time....abuse gets worse over time, just like alcoholism does.
You ned to be safe and the kids don't need domestic violence happening in their own home, they will carry the memories for a lifetime....
Do you have any bruises, or was the door damaged, etc...make sure to document everything...write it in a journal and take pictures....

It is a good idea to have your brother to stay with you....

FireSprite

Insomnia? There's NO WAY I would've been able to sleep after that!

Please listen to these ladies about talking to someone from a DV center.

Have you contacted your brother yet? I was so fearful about letting go of all my secrets to those closest to me, certain I would die from the shame & inability to even explain it sensibly. I was shocked to discover the opposite - finally I was FREEEEEEEEE and unburdened without all those heavy secrets. Call him. Talk it through with someone you love & trust and who you know loves & trusts you.

amy55

National DV hotline 1-800-799-7233. (United State)

I called that number once. I was so nervous to make that phone call. I had no idea of what I wasn't going to say, I just knew that I needed to talk to someone "normal". My life wasn't "normal" anymore. It was out of control. I talked to them for over an hour. The nice young man that I talked to, he didn't ask me for my address or phone number, he didn't ask for any identifying info, he just talked to me. He also gave me the telephone # of my local DV place. He told me to either call the national # again, or the local # whenever I needed someone to talk to.

I had to call the local DV about a month after this, because my now ex had grabbed me by the neck and threw me to the floor. I wasn't nervous to make that call, I knew that I would be safe. I stayed at the shelter that night.

I did go back home after that. I got all of the promises that this would never happen again, how much he loved me, and how he wanted to be a better man for me.

The next time that he assaulted me, I called 911. I was taken to the hospital, and he was taken to jail. We were both charged with DV that time, because when he was assaulting me, he had grabbed both of my arms so that I couldn't move, and I bit him.

I learned a lot from my experiences. I know that all alcoholics are not abusive and all abusers are not alcoholics. They are 2 separate things.

Stay safe, and yes, I am another one that would recommend a restraining order.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

Smarie78

Insomnia is not the problem, it's the fact that he got physical with you and when people are drunk, they are NOT in their right mind regardless of how wonderful and sweet they are when sober. There is a reason they call it Jekyll and Hyde. I dealt with this a lot in the past (not knowing who was who) and it is SO scary, especially if they fight their way in. Please please distance yourself from this. I know what it feels like to be abused and still love that person and want them and also feel so ashamed for it. Makes it hard to act because that part of you still feels hope even though they keep proving they are undeserving.

I was never physically assaulted, but it came very close and he did shove me once chasing me out the door when I tried to leave and he was blasted. He had 'amnesia' the next day too. Please keep yourself safe today and call the number the folks above are giving you. Reach out to a friend or therapist also to get some support. Most of all, does he live with you or can you keep him out of your house?? Go somewhere if not because I would not trust him. (((hugs)))

Smarie78

Oh I remember this well. I was the most perfect and beautiful human being on the planet. Then in the next breath of a rage episode I was a *****, ****, pathological liar, spoiled, etc. Then when he calmed down I was perfect again and beautiful and amazing. It's like you aren't sure what to even believe anymore. Like you said, this is textbook behavior. It's hard to look at because we so want to believe the good because they are so sincere and I do believe they mean it at the time, they are just so full of anger and rage they have zero control of their emotions. Stay safe love.

aliciagr

Same experience here. I wasnt really cursed out so much, but there was some physical abuse involved. He was totally out of control when using cocaine and drinking. THIS behavior was something I had never seen before. He was not himself or in control. I had to leave the house various times. I agree, stay safe.

AnvilheadII

I just can't believe this is happening.

it can happen that quick, as the drinking continues and the disease progresses. the prior fits of rage, or verbal assaults were a precursor, which is why we so strongly stress here there is a difference between alcoholism and abuse. but when combined together, the effects can be disastrous.

report this to your doctor. you can still file a police report, and apply for a TRO. i would do this as soon as it is safe to do so. do you have somewhere safe besides the home for you and the children to go, if needed? this all must be taken VERY seriously now. he choked you.

LexieCat

Please call your local women's shelter or the National DV hotline and talk with an advocate. Yes, the alcoholism and the abuse are separate issues, even if the abuse occurs primarily when he's drinking. You are in serious physical danger. He strangled you ("choking" is when you eat a hot dog too fast and it goes down the wrong way), which is a high lethality indicator. He is preventing you from calling for help.

You ought to be able to obtain a protective order. Without that, you have no legal right to exclude him from the house. I've worked in the DV field professionally for a long time. While I would recommend making a police report and letting them arrest him for assaulting you, that isn't a requirement in order to get a protective order. If you call and talk with an advocate, they can help you sort out your feelings and take whatever steps you want to take. Nobody will force you to do anything you don't want to do. But you need to know what your options are, and to get a safety plan in place.

Please make the call.

amy55

I just wanted to clear something up in what I posted previously. Yes, I was also charged with assault because I bit him, so that he would release me. It really was self defense. I could have pleaded self defense, I chose not to. I was offered 6 months of alcohol assessment which I did want to go to, which would leave me with no record, but a reason to get out of my house and to be able to talk to people.

I didn't put in my prior post any of that, I didn't realize that by reading that, that it may make you afraid to call because you may also be charged. I had put in the part that I bit him, so that you could understand just how far these fights could go.

I do apologize for not making myself clear on that.

I'm also going to second everything that Lexie said. He has been living with you, and you can't just tell him that he can't come home, he lives there. The quickest way to make sure that he can't hurt you again, is to file a restraining order.

Once this kind of violence starts, it doesn't get any better. That different person that you saw last night, well, that is a part of his personality.

I also know that I only saw that part of his personality when he was drunk, that was in the beginning. I then started to see it when he wasn't drunk.

That amnesia thing, well, it's not. It's them twisting things in their own head so that you are at fault for everything, and they are the victim.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

ajarlson

Please get a restraining order, but know it could take a few days. In my state, they had to serve him with it and I hired a process server so it could be done when and where I wanted it done but you can also let the courts handle. Don't let him know what you're doing, make everything seem like it's ok. It was the hardest part for me, acting like things were "normal" while going to the DV center and having them help get the restraining order. Then living for 3 days while it went to a judge, and the order was processed and he actually got served. If you're not safe, get to a shelter during this process, I felt like I could handle things, my kids were older and knew what was going on, in retrospect it could have gone very wrong. If you stay home during this time, just know he cannot have a clue that anything is different and you might want to be out of the house with the kids when he's served as it will most likely make him very angry and angry drunks don't follow the rules. Please take care of yourself and your kids, talk to people, let them know what's going on, make sure you have a place you can go if you need to. That was one thing I did right, if we needed to leave I had many friends that said come on over if you need to. Gather your support and keep you and your kids safe. Good luck to you.

LexieCat

In most places getting an order is immediate. He might not be able to be charged with a violation before he receives notice, but courts have upheld violations based on telephonic notifications (by the court) advising him that an order has been issued. The law varies from one jurisdiction to another, but I provide training and technical assistance for police and prosecutors all over the country, and a few days' wait to get an enforceable order in place would not be the norm.

ETA: The usual procedure is that a temporary order can be granted immediately, and based on your testimony alone. To get a final order requires a court hearing at which he gets the opportunity to be heard (along with you). That could take place a week or two after the temporary order is granted, but you can usually get the same relief immediately. It's just that if you want it to continue, you have to have the hearing.

ajarlson

Yes Lexie, the temporary order was granted immediately, but it didn't go into effect until they could find him and serve him with it. They told me if he doesn't know about it then he can't be expected to comply with it. I am glad other states are different, it was the worst three days of my life.

LexieCat

Yeah, it's tough if the person to be noticed doesn't want to be found. Some places don't have sufficient resources, but more and more jurisdictions have prioritized service wherever possible.

I'm glad you were able to stay safe in the meantime. This is another situation where working with an advocate can help. Staying at the shelter for a few days, or staying elsewhere as part of a safety plan, can help fill the gaps.

PuzzledHeart

Please get a restraining order. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for the kids.

The woman who took care of us was emotionally unstable. One moment she was fine, and then she was not.

I was talking to my therapist this week about an incident when I was about six when she got angry at us for not eating quickly enough. She got so frustrated that she just left my sister and I in the house, and said she was never coming back. I remember frantically calling up random phone numbers and I was crying so hard that nobody could understand me and they hung up on me.

So I was telling my therapist this and I asked him "Why wasn't I smart enough to call the police? I was so afraid of getting her in trouble. It could have stopped everything." And he replied, "Because you were six."

Don't put your kids in a position where they are asking themselves forty years later why they didn't protect you.

When I was a child, I thought for a little while that being more affectionate towards my abuser would mean she would be more affectionate towards me. I began to realize that this was a lost cause and that's when I turned towards books instead. They were my confirmation that what I was going through was not normal at all.

Your daughters have it better - they have you.