Hurting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 63
Hurting
I've messed up big time. Spoke to an old friend today who said she'd seen my AH and he told them we were getting a divorce. I've been no contact(minimal because of our daughter) for 4 weeks. Well I text him saying
'It was nice to hear from someone else you are divorcing me, classy behaviour' of course he didn't reply. He was supposed to be going to get help during our separation. He's drinking and using of course. Feel broken all over again. Feel foolish because I hoped he was missing me and would get help.
I'm a fool I know. Finding it so hard to let go
'It was nice to hear from someone else you are divorcing me, classy behaviour' of course he didn't reply. He was supposed to be going to get help during our separation. He's drinking and using of course. Feel broken all over again. Feel foolish because I hoped he was missing me and would get help.
I'm a fool I know. Finding it so hard to let go
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
You're not a fool, far from it. You have had the courage to separate and give him an opportunity to work on himself; I hope you have been using this time to work on yourself, too.
I need to add, when my now xah and I were still married, unbeknownst to me he was telling my sisters husband that he was going to divorce me. I didn't find out until I filed for divorce. I know how this feels and I'm sorry you're hurting. Please take care of yourself.
I need to add, when my now xah and I were still married, unbeknownst to me he was telling my sisters husband that he was going to divorce me. I didn't find out until I filed for divorce. I know how this feels and I'm sorry you're hurting. Please take care of yourself.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 45
Sorry about what you're going through. Apparently mine decided the same this week before I was in on it too, Guess it's easier to run away than fix a problem. ******* cowards. They sure do know how to hurt people. Sorry, I'm bitter right now so no words of wisdom, just lots of Huggs and good wishes.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
suzy....did you expect him to say..."My wife left me because I am an addict and alcoholic and she chooses not to live with the misery of my alcoholism , any more"......
He has, obviously, chosen the most ego-preserving explanation that he can think of.....
You should have heard some of the things my first husband told people!!!!!
He has, obviously, chosen the most ego-preserving explanation that he can think of.....
You should have heard some of the things my first husband told people!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Hi,
I'm so sorry that you have to go through all that garbage. It's all verbal diarrhea you don't need to hear! It's very painful! My AH, while I was still living in our home was on the phone with his friend saying he should have married his old flame from 30 years ago, should never had let her go!!
Now 2 weeks ago, my AH shows up at our final divorce hearing with this woman hanging all over him!!
For a moment there was a slight pull of my heart, but then I remembered, why I was in court today, my AH threatened me, degraded me, and verbally abused me! She can have him!!
Don't get upset with yourself for having those feelings. I think it is part of the grieving process and letting go of a familiar part of your life! It isn't easy, very painful!! But you will come out of the other side of this with yourself back, and a sense of peace you haven't felt in a long time!
It takes time!! I didn't believe that time would help my pain and hurt, but it has. I'm a little further ahead of you. I left my house, 14 months ago, and been no contact due to a DV order.
As time goes by, you'll still feel the pain and hurt, but you'll be able to put it in your pocket, and have better control over it! Take it out when you want too, not when you're triggered!!
Take good care of yourself!!! You are a woman with much strength. The first couple of months are the hardest!! Hang in there!!
Zircon
I'm so sorry that you have to go through all that garbage. It's all verbal diarrhea you don't need to hear! It's very painful! My AH, while I was still living in our home was on the phone with his friend saying he should have married his old flame from 30 years ago, should never had let her go!!
Now 2 weeks ago, my AH shows up at our final divorce hearing with this woman hanging all over him!!
For a moment there was a slight pull of my heart, but then I remembered, why I was in court today, my AH threatened me, degraded me, and verbally abused me! She can have him!!
Don't get upset with yourself for having those feelings. I think it is part of the grieving process and letting go of a familiar part of your life! It isn't easy, very painful!! But you will come out of the other side of this with yourself back, and a sense of peace you haven't felt in a long time!
It takes time!! I didn't believe that time would help my pain and hurt, but it has. I'm a little further ahead of you. I left my house, 14 months ago, and been no contact due to a DV order.
As time goes by, you'll still feel the pain and hurt, but you'll be able to put it in your pocket, and have better control over it! Take it out when you want too, not when you're triggered!!
Take good care of yourself!!! You are a woman with much strength. The first couple of months are the hardest!! Hang in there!!
Zircon
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I'm so sorry for your pain, I know how that feels. Mine told our kids he was moving out before he told me...
BUT, you have no idea what he meant.
He could have said it knowing it would get back to you and hurt you.
He could have said it defensively (I want this, not her)
He could have said it because he knows he won't clean up
He could have said it because the sky was blue and it meant nothing
He could have said it for any number of reasons. Only actions will show what anything truly means.
In my experience, I'd be shocked if he filed for divorce. I think they're just words, but I think you're right in feeling that those words don't seem to fit a man who's working on the right path.
And that hurts too.
It's okay to hurt, this is tough stuff. People would often tell me to try not to take it personally--that really, none of it had anything at all to do with me, even though it was my marriage. I see that now, 4 years post-divorce. But when you're in it, it really does sting like crazy.
Hang in there.
BUT, you have no idea what he meant.
He could have said it knowing it would get back to you and hurt you.
He could have said it defensively (I want this, not her)
He could have said it because he knows he won't clean up
He could have said it because the sky was blue and it meant nothing
He could have said it for any number of reasons. Only actions will show what anything truly means.
In my experience, I'd be shocked if he filed for divorce. I think they're just words, but I think you're right in feeling that those words don't seem to fit a man who's working on the right path.
And that hurts too.
It's okay to hurt, this is tough stuff. People would often tell me to try not to take it personally--that really, none of it had anything at all to do with me, even though it was my marriage. I see that now, 4 years post-divorce. But when you're in it, it really does sting like crazy.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
This is his way of saying I am on my own and can drink when ever I want. Don't take it personally, this has nothing to do with you. You are married to an addict, alcohol is his only love. They say here, that he is gifting you this. I bet you $100 he hasn't talked to a lawyer and you will end up filing. Just my 2 cents.
Keep doing what you doing, cut contact and move forward. Don't wait the 34 years like I did, expecting him to get his shxt together.
Sorry for you pain, but you will be ok!!
Keep doing what you doing, cut contact and move forward. Don't wait the 34 years like I did, expecting him to get his shxt together.
Sorry for you pain, but you will be ok!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I'm so sorry you're hurting suzy.
Like others, I would take any "hearsay" from a third party with a grain of salt. Better to not hear anything at all from a third party. But, you would only be hearing what HE told them, once removed.
But, it doesn't really matter what he tells anyone.
You know your own truth. You knew you needed to separate. What happens during the separation to him/inside him is out of your control.
You know what you need to do for YOURSELF and you can trust in your OWN journey. Try not to let him take you for any more of his 'rides'.
Like others, I would take any "hearsay" from a third party with a grain of salt. Better to not hear anything at all from a third party. But, you would only be hearing what HE told them, once removed.
But, it doesn't really matter what he tells anyone.
You know your own truth. You knew you needed to separate. What happens during the separation to him/inside him is out of your control.
You know what you need to do for YOURSELF and you can trust in your OWN journey. Try not to let him take you for any more of his 'rides'.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I am also betting he won't do anything either. My exah told people how he was divorcing me cos I was an insane nut job. ( he may have been right at the time lol) What alcoholic is going to admit the truth tho? In his case he'd have to say I drank all the money, I peed on her in bed for 20 years and am an abusive liar who slept with other women...among other things. Nah, doesn't make him look good. He never did one thing. In fact I filed in the end and it took my lawyer weeks and weeks to get him to sign.
It hurts but it how they are. ((hugs))
It hurts but it how they are. ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
A's say a lot of things. I know this was very hurtful, but please note that the person who he should be informing of intent to divorce, he isn't.
My guess is that to "cover" being an alcoholic and problem spouse he has started a PR campaign that he is "leaving you". Mmmmm Hmmm......
I know it hurts, and I am very sorry for that. One ear and out the other is best with Active A's.
As far as what he is feeling and how it appears, No one can say he isn't missing you. Not even you....but apparently within your relationship there was a breaking point where he either left of his own volition, or you asked him too over his drinking. He is very aware that drinking around you, and your daughter, is not permissible. He hasn't stopped drinking; therefore, he will stay put where he can continue to.
many hugs and sorry this happened.
My guess is that to "cover" being an alcoholic and problem spouse he has started a PR campaign that he is "leaving you". Mmmmm Hmmm......
I know it hurts, and I am very sorry for that. One ear and out the other is best with Active A's.
As far as what he is feeling and how it appears, No one can say he isn't missing you. Not even you....but apparently within your relationship there was a breaking point where he either left of his own volition, or you asked him too over his drinking. He is very aware that drinking around you, and your daughter, is not permissible. He hasn't stopped drinking; therefore, he will stay put where he can continue to.
many hugs and sorry this happened.
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