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needing to hear myself? :O)

Old 09-27-2001, 11:46 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
joyfulheart
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Post needing to hear myself? :O)


My hopes are in typing this and then reading it back to myself that I may see and know the truth.

My hubby is coming up on 90 days sober. while he was in the treatment center, I fought very hard for him to go to a half-way house instead of coming home. After being in a ten year relationship with him and having three kids, all the years or pain, resentments, and frustrations needed their own time to heal and figure out who the heck I am?~!

taking care of everything for 10 years, puts you into a survival mode. I have lost touch with who I am and what I want out of life.

While he was not living here, it was such a sigh of relief. Yes, I had more to do... with 3 small kidlets(well, now that i think about it, that's not true because when he was here drunk it was just physically). I became aware of my feelings, finally realizing that i deserved to be loved, treat with respect and that I wasn't a pile of crap that I LET HIM CONVINCE ME I WAS!!

He has been home about a month(still not my (choice), and what i feared and fighted for has happened.. things are the same as when he left just no drinking YET!!!!!

While I was cleaning I found his journal and papers from the treatment center. So are the things and feelings that alcoholics write in treatment their true feelings or are the ones that they utter now more accurate???????????????????????????

In his writings he wrote,
!"i married her on the rebound. she is not my soul-mate"

!"I know if we divorce my standard of living will considerable change"

"Do I really love her or is it an ego/pride thing if we divorce?"

"she yells too much, I don't like the way she is raising the kids, i don't like the way she keeps the house"

When he was out of the house he checked into serveral divorce law seminars and support groups.....

Well is he staying with me because he doesn't want to live in poverty or grow old and lonely? The other day in counseling he said he was committed to this marriage, I'm having a very difficult time with this because he is an alcoholic and they LIE, DECIEVE, CHEAT, and very MANIPULATIVE!!!!!!!

Do I want to stay or do I want to have a future where I don't have to deal with mistrust non or poor communication, being the blame for all our problems, being critizied all the time.....WILL I EVER BE LOVED BY ANOTHER WHO COULD APPREICATE ME???

To make matter worse I was brought up Catholic, so I was taught the only valid reason for divorce was/is death. **i just nocited that alcohOLIC and CathOLIC have the same ending and both always include lots of guilt...... (

thanks for letting me see what I needed to read...
joyfulheart

 
Old 09-27-2001, 12:12 PM
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smoke gets in my eyes's Avatar
 
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Hey Joyfulheart...
Now that you've read it over, what did you decide?
I've come to believe that most addicts are so self centered that they wouldn't recognize their soul mate if the Dalai Lama introduced them personally. Maybe his soul mate is Jim Beam, Johnny Walker, Jack Daniels or the Blue Nun.
An addict will blame everyone and everything else for their addiction but themselves. I've often wondered what Dino has said about me to other people. He certainly slams other people in my presence. It's not fair and it's not accurate.
You have to ask yourself what you are GETTING from this relationship, and if it is balanced by what you are GIVING and GIVING UP. You know, of course, that you are the only one who can answer that question.

Hang onto yourself ...

Smoke
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Old 09-27-2001, 05:34 PM
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Angela
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I read your story - and I recognised it as being similar to mine. I was married to my husband for 8 years - and that was 8 years of misery. I allowed him to rip me and my world apart with his addictions, and absolutely trash me.

I began praying that God would get me out of the marriage, (I came from a legalistic church background that I knew would show no mercy on me leaving a marriage).

He spoke so lovingly at times, then with complete hatred - and this is what you call an abuse cycle. It keeps you hooked in, because, if they were all bad you'd have no trouble walking out. Saying one thing, doing another - it left me an emotional wreck, continually off balance. I was the one going out to work, I had to take responsibility for everything. He truly ruined me - and yet I would seem to cave in at the sound of a kind word.

As far as if he means what he says, from my own personal experience, addicts don't usually have a clue what they mean. The very essence of addiction is complete self-absorption - an inability to give, but instead take all for themselves, with a complete inability to relate to others.

Everybody's situation is somewhat different, but when you completely lose yourself inside a relationship, especially a painful and draining one, you have to find a place to allow yourself to breath and feel again. That may mean joining a support group, getting closer to friends, or altogether leaving. I left in the end because my husband used me as a way of loving his addiction. It has been three years, and I am in University, working and living in peace.

I hope you are able to see also that God is not the enemy. He is not there to make you feel guilty. He is your forever friend.

Keep writing and I know that you will get the support you need, because you reached out for it.

Your friend
Angela
Be pro-active for yourself and your children.

 

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