nmd

I'm a recovering alcoholic myself, approaching 6months sober. It's been a long hard road. I went for years trying to cut back or control drinking and then ultimately a couple more years struggling to get sober. In the end though, I'm here and life is good for the most part.

My wife unfortunately shares my addiction. She's "functional" I guess but I worry constantly about her and her health. She has a number of health issues and alcohol is either involved or making things worse. (High blood pressure, anxiety, memory loss etc.) It took a long time for us to be able to talk about alcohol in the context of addiction, especially since I was still actively drinking for so long. For the most part though, she has let her guard down, periodically at least, and has come to me a few times without being defensive. She has stated she wanted to quit or cut back. She's been to AA apparently in the past, but she didn't tell me about it, it just came up in conversation with a mutual friend.

I've told my wife how much I love her and how worried I am. I've told her how I failed at moderating and in the end how much easier it was for me to quit. (Not easy, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel nonetheless)

She still, I think, desperately wants to cling to drinking moderately. Having a beer to relax, having friends over and having drinks. She of course wanted us to be able to go out to dinner and share a bottle of wine. That just won't ever be the case again, and she is supportive of my sobriety now. She's asked for my help at least once, but she really wants me to enable her to continue to drink moderately. She wanted to take a week vacation together where she would quit cold turkey, and would "return from vacation being able to drink moderately." I didnt think that would be particularly safe or likely to succeed or good for our relationship. I told her what i thought and that i couldn't be her counselor, per se. She's likened it to quitting smoking. It took her years, but she used e-cigarettes to cut back on nicotine, eventually to zero.

The problem is she drinks 8-12 beers a day (6 if "cutting back"), every day. It's not likely she can every drink safely again. I love and support her and I'm there for her but she needs outside help. I don't know when the point of no return is for her, the point where her liver or heart too damaged to recover, but I fear it.

I've been enabling and I'm doing my best to stop. We don't have a dry house and I don't really know if we ever will. If I've gone grocery shopping or I was driving home from work, she would ask me to get beer for her. If we have friends over, we have alcohol in the house. Vacations always meant drinking. I know at the very least I need to decline to buy her beer. I can't control what she does beyond that.

I found myself crying this morning because I just don't know what to do. Or I am doing my best but it hurts so much to watch someone you love suffer and struggle.

How do you even start a conversation? I have I guess, but I also back off so as to not push her away or build a wall. I don't want to just let thing go on as they have been though. I don't want to lose my wife to this disease.

PhoenixJ

I have no advice. Just support and encouragement and empathy. Keep looking and sharing. Perhaps addiction counselling?

suzyontour

Hi Permalink

I have also done a 12 step programme but my AH continued to drink. I didn't care at first because I had got sober for me nobody else his journey was his journey.

However over the last two years his addictions have progressed to include marijuana, cocaine and Gambling (Progressive disease) It came to a head when he started leaving all night and turning his phone off. (Unacceptable by anybodys book) He admitted he was an alcoholic, got a sponsor and attended meetings within 3 weeks he stopped saying 'No No, i'm not an alcoholic' and dropped his recovery saying he was going to moderate.

I put boundaries in no alcohol in the house (he drank moderately only when we were out) He broke that boundary saying he would need to go out more regularly. I allowed that boundary to be smashed and enforced another one 'No drinking on week nights' (Yep you guessed) when he tried to break this I stood firm and he then started disappearing all night again. It came to a head and I said he was to go back to his mums. He agreed he wanted recovery and would start the process separated from me for mine, his and our daughters sake.

He has now been gone four weeks and has done nothing at all about it just continued to drink, use and gamble. I have now gone No contact.

You see through this site and alanon I have learned, to let him stay would enable him. Being around an active alcoholic was once again making me sick both as a fellow alcoholic and a co-dependent.

I am no where near coping well with this separation (read some of my bad day posts) I constantly think of him and hope he will enter recovery really and mean it. I doubt he will you know. But there's one think I do know he definitely wouldn't if I had of let him stay in the family home and put up with his acting out.

All that said I now need to ramp up my own recovery both at AA and Alanon and its those meetings, This site and God that are literally dragging me through it. I cant risk getting so sick again that my 'thinkin turns to Drinkin'

I wish you all the best and urge you to protect your own sobriety with all your heart

Much Love
Sue x

LexieCat

Welcome and congrats on your six months. I've got eight years, myself.

I hope you will first and foremost protect your own sobriety at all costs. I think Al-Anon could be very helpful for you. Lots of people are in both programs, and they work together nicely.

It's not in your power to save your wife. She will, or she won't, come around in her own good time. I'd suggest that if you want to continue to live together you not be involved in her drinking--don't buy booze for her. You don't have to leave while she's drinking (unless it bothers you, in which case that is a perfectly fine boundary to have), but there's no reason you should be helping her drink.

Maudcat

Hi, nmd, and welcome. I feel that the most important thing for you right now is to protect your recovery. Difficult, I know, when a partner continues to drink. Sobriety is hard, hard work. It takes everything we have at times. You are doing really well. Keep going.
As others have posted and likely will post, you can't control your wife's drinking. Seems as though she talks about wanting help, but her actions, which is what you should go by, are very different.
Something that comes up a lot here is, when does helping stop and enabling begin? Should you buy her beer because she is shaky as all get out and shouldn't be driving? Should you buy her beer because you are going by the store if it is convenient, nothing more?
I have confronted that myself with my alcoholic sib. Done it both ways: no, if you want booze you are going to have to spring for a cab and get it yourself. That actually turned into a bit of a disaster, resulting in an overnight hospital stay. Yes, I will get you a bottle because you are a mess and I don't want you to have a withdrawal seizure in front of our 91 year old mother.
So...I know it's complicated. I can tell you that I did not feel good about either decision.
The wisdom here is that it's best to step back for your own health and safety, and let the alcoholic feel the ramifications of his/her actions. I guess I would lean toward not buying her booze. If nothing else, your non-participation in her drinking behavior may provide clarity and a way forward for you. Also, she will stop asking, which is good, too. Peace.

dandylion

nmd.....have you ever really put your cards out on the table. Told her how her alcoholism is affecting you....using "I" statements?
You haven't said..but, if you have insurance, have you two discussed inpatient rehab for her?
And/or considered a detox stay or going to a doctor who will prescribe meds for an at home detox?
sometimes, there is a fear of the withdrawl symptoms....which is a real and legitimate fear....(as Maudcat has pointed out).....

You already know that there are no gurantees....but, you can "lose her to the disease" whether she is in the home or outside of it.....
I don't think there is anything to lose by taking action....

nmd

Thank you for everyone's replies and support.

Discontinuing our marriage isn't even a consideration. Boundaries are a consideration. While alcoholism is a progressive disease, for the most part she had just been self destructive. She doesn't drink and drive, she isn't abusive, she doesn't leave the house to drink and disappear or anything like that. It's just more of a slow self imposed death. "I'll quit tomorrow... while I have this one more beer."

At this point, I known I need to do some things, like not buy beer. It's harder than it sounds, but I will at least do that one thing. I've been trying to find ways to talk to her too, and not let alcoholism turn back into a taboo subject. There's a fine line between not being perceived to be controlling and enabling. Active drinkers are experts at turning things around so that they are the victim.


Dandylion- I totally hear you on using "I" statements. I've put it on the table as far as saying how worried I am about her, that I don't want to lose her or have her die or keep drinking until it is too late. I haven't put it out that I want her to get help specifically. I wasn't very supportive of her desire to quit and then be able to have a drink on occasion. Maybe I should have since it involved her getting help? Most of us can't fathom being sober forever when we start off being sober, or we relapse a few times before discovering the hard way that we can't drink any more. The biggest issue I had at the time was she was putting the responsibility of dealing with her detoxing on me. The possibility of serious withdrawal, or less severe - her wanting to relapse and asking me for beer. That wasn't fair to me, so I wouldn't do it.

Besides not buying beer, I'll see if she's willing to get some outside help. Professional help, or help that isn't just me.

As far as my own sobriety, I feel pretty secure with things. Famous last words, I know, but I feel like I have a good handle on things and know what I want. I'm past the idea of drinking moderately, I'm past the shame of quitting drinking. Those two things were very hard for me for a long time. Adding things to my plan is always a consideration though.

SparkleKitty

When we talk about alcoholism being progressive, we mean that she hasn't done any of those things...yet. Functioning isn't a type of alcoholism, just a stage.

But to your point, boundaries are absolutely your friend in all of this. Enforcing them can bring great discomfort, but it gets easier with practice.

LexieCat

It sounds as if she's well aware of your concern and she knows that you have found a way to successfully quit drinking and be happy with your sobriety. What will more conversation around it do?

I'd suggest making a boundary for yourself that whatever she does about drinking is strictly HER thing. She wants it, she buys it. She feels crappy about it, you don't rush to make her feel better or "fix it." She takes care of her own empties. If she decides she wants to try a meeting again, hand her a meeting list and tell her if she wants someone to go with her, she can call AA and they will send a couple of women over to take her to a meeting. I'd just stay as far away from her drinking as you can. Otherwise you will stay enmeshed with her problem. And the more you try to fix her, the greater the risk to your own sobriety. There's a reason that most AA members recommend that TWO people go on 12th-Step calls. The drunk is more likely to get you to drink than you are to get her to stop.