jjnorris

My AH stopped drinking about 6 months ago. Never really got sober, used pot and never got help. A few weeks ago he said he "owed it to himself" to try drinking responsibly. Typical arguments ensued, he made me feel horrible, said he would leave, he doesn't blame me, etc, etc... There was anger and tears and empty promises. I finally told him, these are his decisions not mine to make. I love him and don't want our marriage to end. However if he chose to drink again, I am not sure if I can handle it or for how long. I wanted to give him an ultimatum, but knew in my heart I was not ready to follow through. The best I could do is be honest that I do not support, nor will I help him drink and that his choice to do so could result in the end of our life together. This was not a threat, just an honest statement that although I am not leaving today, I don't know how much I have left in me. I did discuss this with my counselor before having the conversation and she supported me in it. I go to al anon and have been focusing on my daughter and other areas of my life. He is drinking again, been just over a week and most nights he is back to a 6 pack. I can see where this is going, do not believe he will be able to control it. I feel like an idiot because although I know all of this, I seem to feel the need to let it happen, to let him go back to his ways, then it will be enough for me to know leaving is the only way. It is stupid, it hurts but it is like I need this one last thing to tell me I am not crazy and that it is ok to lose the man who has truly been the love of my life for more than 20 years.

maia1234

He's an addict, and loves alcohol first. I'm sorry jj, nothing changes if nothing changes.

Hugs my friend, we are all here for you.

Maudcat

You are not a fool. You are hoping for the best.
You will know when enough is truly enough. Make a plan. Save some money if possible. Maybe talk to an attorney to learn your legal rights.
Always good to be prepared.

Mlo1125

I understand exactly where you are right now. That happened in relationship before too. I did what you did. I did not want to police him. Well, I did actually, but knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I laid out my concerns and consequences and didn't stand in his way. It happened just the way you'd think, 1 beer once in a while, then once a week, the 1 a day, then 2 then a 3 month vodka fest until he got a dUI wound up face down in a Walmart parking lot bleeding from his head in the snow and living in a hotel till money ran out. Yet, I couldn't let go. I was still so in love with him, he was my world. He did a long term rehab, we started a new life 1200 miles away and it was so great for a year until last week. It's heart wrenching not knowing where. To throw in the towel. All of can tell you is that if you're questioning it, you on the way but not there yet. When you know, you'll know and won't have to question it anymore. No textbook or expert or friend or sponsors can tell you when that should or will be. You'll just know.

Nata1980

You are not a fool. You jut have not hit your rock bottom.

You will know when you are there.

It will all work out

FeelingGreat

Nothing about the way you acted makes you a fool. I thought you laying it out for him handled it perfectly as you had no way of stopping him. He was determined to relapse.
Take as much time as you need to make your plans. If he's back to a 6 pack already I'm sure you'll reach a point where enough's enough.

juju48

The words ''try drinking responsibly'' and ''alcoholic'' can never be said in the same sentence and have a good outcome. I think the best you can do right now is plan ahead for yourself. Start saving as much as you can and get yourself support from Al Anon/friends/family because this ''drinking responsibly'' thing can really only go one way
wishing you lots of good wishes

hopeful4

I think you are being honest about your feelings. That does not make you a fool friend. Take good care of yourself.

SmallButMighty

You are not a fool anymore than the rest of us here who have loved ( or do love) alcoholics are fools. I would wager that what you are is, broken hearted, exhausted , scared, anxious, disappointed, angry....

I was with my XAH for well over 20 years as well. Even once I knew I was DONE, done, I was so very terrified about what my life was going to be like without him in it. I had no idea how I was going to stay safe, manage a home, have enough money...breathe... without him. After a couple decades plus of cohabitation it takes some time to untangle you thoughts and feelings, to start functioning as an individual instead of as a couple. And it takes as long as it takes.

You have made boundaries and you are sticking to them. No matter what path you choose this is so very important for your own sanity. Stick to your guns.

Hugs jj. Wishing you peace and clarity as you navigate this painful stretch.