Smarie78

The man who runs the Sober House just contacted me and yes I froze on the phone because I knew he had news. He let me know that first off, he was alive. I let out a sigh of relief for the first time in 8 days. Like clockwork, his bender ended as I predicted. Usually around a solid week until he breaks down. Regardless of what he has put me through emotionally, I feel relief over anger.

According to the guy running the house (we will call him "R"), Abf showed up on his doorstep in pretty bad shape. Clothes saturated in dirt and bodily junk, smelling, red, thin, bruised, and drunk holding a bottle of vodka and crying that he can't stop. Thankfully R being the good and kind man that he is, held him for a bit while he cried and then called the ambulance that took him to the hospital. He also contacted his mother (who lives with his wife and son) in addition to me to let her know where he was taken to.

After speaking to R for a bit he explained to me that Abf is very sick physically, emotionally, spiritually and for whatever reason God didn't take him and instead led him back to his doorstep desperate to stop and ask for help. He said if he has any chance at recovery he needs to immerse himself into it and only it can come from him. He also thinks he needs more treatment than just a Sober House, but something more restrictive given the severity and progression of his disease. It was good to talk to him because he himself was in the same boat as Abf and found recovery. He believes every A has it in them to stop but it takes work and commitment. I would agree with that. At any rate, I was happy that he found his way back there of all places and not my home. At least it makes me feel like going there could have been a moment for him of surrender rather than going to my home for more of the same.

At this point, we cannot go back to where we were. I am going to have to make the tough decision to let him heal on his own and find his own way because I truly believe he can do it. I just can't be on that journey with him. Our situation did force stress upon him and I have my own needs that he is not able to accommodate at this time. He wanted to have everything. Be normal. Run away from his problems, his marriage and responsibility, run away with me whether it be away for the weekend somewhere or just in our little "bubble" as we use to call it - and I helped him do that because I too couldn't accept our reality. That's why I always let him back in because it was too painful to admit we couldn't be. In this world, it just wasn't for us to be together. At least not at this moment.

I will continue to pray for him and myself to be strong enough to end our relationship in the event that he contacts me to come back. My hope of course is that he will realize he needs to be on his own to fight this (this is my dream world of course wistfully imagining). Regardless of what he has done I absolutely do not excuse the behavior, but I do have great compassion for him as a sick person.

SaveYourHeart

That's good news Smarie, you're being very brave. Keep us updated on your recovery <3

maia1234

Smarie,
Whats your plan my friend? What are you going to do when he contacts you?

Smarie78

I'm afraid, but I will let him know that we cannot be together right now as he must make room to heal and get better without the weight of our relationship. That he must battle recovery, and then be there for his family to resolve his marriage situation and be a father, of course once he is healthy enough. I struggle with it but I want him to get better and he isn't getting better with me around. Yes, I am afraid to leave him and as much as I wanna go pluck him out of that hospital and take care of him and keep him close to me forever, I am accepting that is not reality. I never realized how much I too was good at avoiding reality and running away from it because it was always too painful to endure.

We truly are as sick as our qualifiers sometimes, maybe even more so.

hopeful4

Glad to hear your realizations Smartie, and glad he is alive.

I think you are very wise to form a plan. If we could love them sober none of us would be here in the first place.

Tight hugs.

Ariesagain

"Right now" is all he's likely to hear. That is likely to be translated into "until she's forgotten about this or next Thursday, whichever comes first."

You are going to need to be very very direct and crystal clear, yes? No waffling or loopholes or somedays.

Sending you clarity and strength.

SparkleKitty

I'm with Ariesagain.

The kindest thing you can do for him is to let him know it is over. Unconditionally. Leave him no choice but to focus on himself and his issues.

It also happens to be the kindest thing you can do for YOU, Smarie. Leave YOURSELF no open doors, and focus on your OWN recovery one day at a time.

AnvilheadII

he isn't getting better with me around.

and vice versa.

i agree with others, your if, when, then statement isn't concise and direct. leaving the door open keeps you both sick.

maia1234

Smarie,
I agree with you, we are almost sicker then our addicts. I look back at the crazy things I did for my addict, no wonder he never sought out treatment. I cushioned all his blows.

Get out of his way, do not sympathize with him for what he has been through. Short and sweet, to the point. Dont listen to his stories, don't give him that respect. I am done, good luck and have a nice life. He needs to know that you mean business this time.

Good luck, stay strong!!

dandylion

Smarie.....In addition to getting out of his way, for his recovery...what, specifically. do you have for your recovery plan?

NYCDoglvr

Absolutely he needs to do this alone ... offering help in any way would be a setback for him. Good luck.

Bekindalways

It is so good to hear you saying this Smarie.

Please be sure to find all the emotional help you can. Keep going to Alanon. Line up lots of good, healthy, happy activities for yourself.

amy55

Hi Smarie,

I'm glad that he turned up.

I wanted to give you a quote that really helped me. There was this time that I was just sitting on the couch. I was too depressed to even move. I had the TV on, I wasn't really watching it, even though it is one of my favorite movies. It was Shawshank Redemption. I finally did look at the TV and the quote that was etched into the wood just stared at me. It said "Get busy living, or get busy dying". I'll never forget that. I thought about that, and I realized how much I was harming myself, and that's when I started to make plans to change my life.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

Praying

Hi Smarie,

I hear a lot of qualifiers in your words--

I'll need to do...
I will have to...
I hope he doesn't...

I don't hear words of strong conviction. I'm not sure that you're done yet...which is okay, if you're not...but if you really want to change the pattern, then I suggest changing your self-talk to more concrete statements.

Regardless of what he says or does, I'm doing X, starting today

I'm going to use the energy I've spent on him to focus on X for myself and my healing by doing X, Y, Z

Etc.

If you don't change your thoughts to more actionable stakes in the ground, it will be very difficult for your actions to follow. Kind of like taking a road trip with hazy directions.

"I'd really like to be on the other side of that mountain sometime. Soon." vs. "I want to be on the other side of the mountain by tomorrow night. Today I'm going to gas up the car, research which path is the safest, map out how long it will take, and determine tomorrow morning's starting time before I go to sleep tonight." Who goes to sleep feeling confident that they'll actually make it across?

You don't need to know the whole path, but you DO need to make a concrete first step in your mind...or nothing happens and nothing changes.

It's crazy difficult, I know. Hugs to you!