Now I'm Feeling Very Confused.............

Old 09-09-2001, 08:11 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2001
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Unhappy Now I'm Feeling Very Confused.............

I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.This is a off shot of my last topic.First I want to thank both of you for your response to me.I know that everyones circumstances are different and I also know that each of us can agree to disagree.My parents allowed my brother to live at home and they never knew if after work he'd make it back alive.Well on Sept the first of 1988 he never made it home.He died that night because he was trying to take a short cut by crossing the freeway and was hit by a car.Words alone cannot express the horror of finding out my brother had died and after that happened all of our lives changed.To this day I have not been able to make peace with that tragedy.The person who hit him had also been drinking,Both he and his passenger came out of it without a scratch,luck was on their side.Now here I am years later and going through all the worry and heartache that my parents went through.So which is it? Continue to watch him destroy himself by allowing him to get drunk,not hold down a job because we are making it so easy for him to keep going on with his life this way,Or tell him its time for him to leave and start taking responsibilty for his own life.I will continue to love him no matter what but When is enough enough?
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Old 09-09-2001, 08:20 AM
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Pernell Johnson's Avatar
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Faith, I have much love for you and your family. I am the one who always says that toughlove is the way. But I realize that toughlove hurts the family more than it affects the addict. Causing the family and you in particular cruel and unusual pain is not what this is all about. It is surely about recovery from the disease of addiction but there are other options that can be explored.
There are a group of people who do intervention. What that means is that they actualy come out to your home and work with the family to convince the addict to do the right thing. The right thing being to stop using, go into treatment, attend the required meetings and stop holding everyone's life hostage. Here are some addresses for you to check out and see if this is what you are looking for:

Please let me know, if it works for you. The things that I say and do are for the greater good. And the only way to be good is when it works and you let me know it works so that I can do it for someone else.

Just for Today-------------I am Sober
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Old 09-10-2001, 07:15 AM
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HI Faith...
You are the only one who knows when enough is enough. It strikes me that it really doesn't often matter what a family does or does not do regarding their addict. They will clean up when and if they are ready to do so. Toughlove may or may not inspire your addict. In my case, toughlove was what I had to do for myself. I was simply going insane. I believe it may have been one of the factors in Dino seeking counseling, but I can never be sure. I have said that I believe that an addict only seeks help when they perceive that they are losing too much to their addiction, and that the sooner they start losing those things, the better. Maybe I'm kidding myself, but it seemed that Dino went to counseling when he saw he was in imminent danger of losing me and his family entirely.
I too, indulged him, protected him, supported him, because I was afraid of what would happen to him without this haven. One drug dealer kicked him in the head so severely that he is now deaf in one ear. I washed blood out of his clothes more than I care to think about. This haven did not protect him from that. It didn't matter how much I did, it was not enough. For my own sanity, I had to say, "you do what you're going to do, but leave me out of it if you're going to continue this lifestyle." Sticking to that took a lot of tries. Perhaps it is arrogant to believe my action was a catalyst for his recovery. The fact is, I didn't do it for him at all. I did it for myself.
You have to do for yourself. If giving him a safe place to be gives you consolation, you are not "wrong" in doing that. I reached the point where it did not any more. You are the only one who can ever know what is enough for you.

Do something just for yourself today... even if it's only 20 minutes in the tub. And try to laugh. I am thinking of you.

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