Smarie78

I am coping ok and actually doing some good things for myself. Working out, going to fitness classes, etc. Today is seven days since he's disappeared. All benders he's had in the last year and a half have lasted this long and either I've gone to rescue him or he will contact me. Since I don't know where he is I can't do the rescue, which I know is a good thing I don't so I can't enable.

If I don't hear from him today it will be more work for me to let go. I'm afraid for the days to pass since after today it will have gone on longer and he never went this far. I know I can do it but I'm a little scared because I don't know what is going to happen this week. If he's gone forever, dies, etc. It's a lot of fear and scariness but I know there is nothing I can do but face my fears and know that whatever will be will be. He might disappear longer this time, or I will get a call that he died or that he is in jail or hospital but I've learned I must let go. Mind you, my fear isn't that he's missing in my life or relationship, it's the not knowing what happened to a loved one. It's reallly a rough feeling.

We take for granted our routine. I'm scared this week as I am also entering month two of unemployment. So if someone said what do you want this week I'd wish for some closure of knowing I will get a phone call for work and one from him that he is at least alive. I hate so much being in this limbo and having no control over fate this week. I just have to pray for strength this will pass and closure will come. It's hard handling both, but I will make it. I've accepted he may be dead and I may get that call. Just trying to stay busy when I feel under water.

SparkleKitty

Smarie I hate to break it to you but it isn't just this week that you don't have "control over fate".

Closure isn't something that comes from others. It comes from ourselves. We either accept what we can and can't control, or we don't, and we go on twisting ourselves into knots when the difference is shown to us time and again.

Ladybird579

So if someone said what do you want this week I'd wish for some closure of knowing I will get a phone call for work and one from him that he is at least alive.

Aren't you angry? I'd be furious at his selfishness. Far from wanting to hear from him I'd be blocking his number my phone. THAT would give you closure.

Smarie78

I'm angry but my sadness for him seems to eclipse that anger. I can't stop seeing his experience as a mental illness - if it's true that alcoholism is a brain disease, then I struggle with anger toward someone who is sick.

SparkleKitty

Can you accept that it is at least a mental illness for which there is copious treatment available if he would only surrender to the fact that he needs it? Which he IS capable of doing?

dandylion

Smarie...I must say that I see enormous improvement over where you were several months ago.....
I think that is a good thing.....

amy55

"Limbo land", I hated that. I hated that until I finally figured out that I put myself into Limbo land, and that I was the only person that I could control, and that I had to get myself out of Limbo land.

I stayed in that place for so long thinking that I needed someone else to give me closure. I needed an explanation as to why he kept disappearing. I mean afterall, he always gave me some kind of an explanation after he would reappear again, so I stayed, and I kept waiting, and waiting. Carrying that dam phone around with me all the time. Just waiting. Then the disappearances got longer, they always do. You see, for some reason, I guess the last time, perhaps you weren't too forgiving enough for him, or whatever. So, he needs for you to suffer more this time. He'll disappear longer, and then you will act the way that he wants you too. But see, that doesn't work either.........

I figured out a lot of things during my ex's disappearances. I realized that I didn't really do or say anything wrong that caused it. I realized that "I" and "I" alone kept myself trapped, by hoping for some kind of closure. I did come to realize that I needed to give myself "closure", in order to get out of my self imposed "limbo land". I had to say to myself, "you know, he is going to keep doing this, and the length of time is going to increase, is this what you want, is this how you picture your life being?"

It's like you can't think, you can't concentrate, you want a resolution to something, but that resolution just isn't there. Thing is, it is. You need to give it to yourself.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

Bekindalways

If you were an alcoholic (and we codies have our own disease that necessitates putting time together), folks would be congratulating you on 7 days sober.

There are many threads here that go round and round on the disease thing. Although everyone seems to agree that alcoholism/codependency is not a disease like cancer. He could choose to stop drinking and you could choose to block his number. Either would be just as powerful of a choice to get healthy. Save some sadness for yourself as you too have a disease of sorts. We here in this corner of SR can be as sick or even sicker than our qualifiers.

All of us here would love to see you make that choice to be healthy but you may still be a ways off from that. We all have our own pace. I stayed for 5 years with my qualifier. Some folks here were forced to get "sober" when their qualifier found another enabler.

Big hug to you Smarie. I love that you are looking for work and getting exercise. That is huge!! Keep breathing, posting and detaching to the best of your present ablities.

Ladybird579

Well am not convinced it is and that's were we differ. Even if it was there is a path to recovery if the addict chooses to take it. I felt like you tho for a very long time. Then the anger kicked in cos I realised I was being played and I got away.

Smarie78

Yes. Thank you. That helps a lot. That's where my biggest obstacle is. I treat him as mentally ill and unable to help himself but when he is sober he has the tools and has the meetings, friends in the program, support, etc. He just chooses not to work it and takes the path of least resistance which is hiding in our "bubble" we've created. I suppose no different than a depressed person who doesn't take his pills or use therapy. Thank you for reminding me - I forget sometimes.

Smarie78

Thank you! I'm doing ok. Haven't squeaked out one tear even (and watched Manchester by the Sea yesterday and still no tears!). Functioning ok...hollow a little but going through life as normal. It's been a very lonely week but I'm going through it head up.

LexieCat

I don't think alcoholism is a "brain disease." Yes, it does affect the brain's function, but the effects are reversible for the most part, up to the point where a person gets "wet brain" or something. People worse off than him have had moments of clarity where they choose recovery. You have no control over that.

It's not in your POWER to help him. Yes, you can clean up after him, feed him, etc. You've BTDT--over and over. Someone else can do those things for him if he is incapable of caring for himself. It seems like you have made yourself his Higher Power--the entity that decides what he needs and provides it. Who put you in charge?

Ariesagain

I am praying to all the gods and goddesses that he is off battening onto a new codependent and will stay gone. Maybe then it will truly sink in for you that all of the crap he's pulled has been by choice.

Speaking as someone who is on sober day 444, drunks like that guy give the rest of us a bad name.

LexieCat

LOL--damn right!

Smarie78

Oh my! okay so sometimes when I read these things I feel so much better because I tend to get stuck in that sadness hole for him for a long time. Thinking of how sick he is and poor him and I want to take that pain away, but when I read the pulling up by the boot straps by people who have done it and had the same tools I realize I need to stop that mentality!

Yes it's sad. Yes there is help. No he doesn't take the help that will prevent the bender. I worry mostly for him because he gets into actual poison when he's off on these things (liquids not meant to be consumed). It's still sad though because you can't understand why someone wouldn't do everything in their power to stop such destruction. But I need to stop trying to understand that which I cannot, nor cannot control.

This week has been hard but I am surviving he best I can. Going to cook dinner for my family tonight so looking forward to that. I am working on giving myself love and value. It's very hard for me and I admit I hate the pity my sister gives me when she knows what he is doing to me. For some reason I am incredibly uncomfortable with anyone feeling bad for me - that's where the value part I need to work on comes in. I always feel worse for him than me no matter what he's done. How's that for crazy?

Smarie78

Congratulations on 444!!! It's sinking in...just needs to stay sunken and not fall back if and when he comes around.

Smarie78

Indeed. Thank you for your thoughtful post. I'm on my own in this which can be scary, but you're right. Just like he needs to make the decision on his own for sobriety, so do I on how much I will allow my life to be destroyed by this.

Ariesagain

yes!!!!!

PhoenixJ

Offering support

AnvilheadII

let's remember....he has not disappeared.....he is simply not contacting you. he could be off on a bender, or with someone else, or....or......or.

he will contact you again. are you prepared for that? are you ready to turn him away? say No Mas? tell your building security AGAIN that he is not welcome? keep your door locked if he does make it to your doorstep?

see this is where the rubber meets the road. when we WALK the TALK. when we change OUR behaviors. OUR reactions. OUR actions. and do so REGARDLESS of what THEY do.

it's called taking our power back.