suzyontour

So four weeks into separation from AH and have had bare minimal contact only for money and our daughter. No feelings or recovery discussed in any way. II have good days (marred with anxiety and sadness) and bad days (full of anxiety and sadness) . I nearly through my first weekend of him having our 11 year old girl( he didn't drink, a boundary when he has her)

Anyway I'm getting my garden done soon so texted him to tell him to go round back and get his fishing stuff and final 3 bin liners of clothes out of shed as I need the space. He didn't reply for two hours and then his message was 'OK'

Don't know what I expected, I didn't really expect anything. Why did that little 'OK' hurt so much?

Bekindalways

Yep . . . that would have hurt me too Suzy . . . . back in the day.

Four weeks of (as much as possble) no-contact is huge; unfortunately it is not enough for the pain to back off. Keep at it. It gets better.

I read the book How to Survive the Loss of a Love about 10 times when I was going through this. It is a short book with more support than advice. it is one of the few self help books that I recommend.

Keep breathing, keep posting and know that you are healing.

SparkleKitty

Because you're grieving, it's natural. I'm sorry it hurts; it will get better with time.

LexieCat

I don't know what you expected, either, but OK was actually the perfect response on his part. He acknowledged your request. He didn't argue or berate you. I know I sometimes feel a bit of a letdown if I'm all ready to get indignant over something and the other person sandbags me by going along with whatever it is. How DARE they, lol.

I think you're doing great. Try not to overanalyze every feeling. With something like this--where there's nothing earth-shattering at stake--just let it wash over you and maybe allow yourself to be a bit amused by your own reaction to a non-battle.

Refiner

Suzy go read Zircon's new thread posted today and see where she's at. She's had quite the horrid journey, too. That WILL be you someday soon. Time and no contact is your FRIEND.

ETA: Thread is titled "post final divorce hearing"

batchel9

Argh I might be here in a few weeks also. Just remember why you left and spend the time working on you. If I can ever manage on cutting ties, I was to work out, get healthier, do better at my work, and spend time doing things that make me happy. Time heals all wounds!

SparkleKitty

Why wait to do all of that stuff? Making all those changes might even make it easier for you to gain some perspective, let go of some things you can't control, and make a decision that you can feel confident in.

dandylion

suzy...what happened? Two days ago, you wrote about having a "great day" and sounded so confident in your path.....

suzyontour

I know. Good days and bad days. It's a process. When your behaviour over 12 years has to change, it's a learning process. There's some blind faith going on and that can cause a bit of fear. Although I recognise that I still don't want him to come back. I don't want to live that life anymore.

I've decided to go the other way and see what happens in my life. Some days fear and others anticipation for the future
❤️❤️❤️❤️

suzyontour

I know. Good days and bad days. It's a process. When your behaviour over 12 years has to change, it's a learning process. There's some blind faith going on and that can cause a bit of fear. Although I recognise that I still don't want him to come back. I don't want to live that life anymore.

I've decided to go the other way and see what happens in my life. Some days fear and others anticipation for the future
❤️❤️❤️❤️

dandylion

suzy...I am not judging...I was just wondering.....
Just hoping that selective recall didn't raise it's deceptive head.....

suzyontour

Ha ha it did a bit. Standing firm though. He's going to be here in20 minutes to drop daughter and dog back. I bagged it up and put it all in the garden. He has no need to enter my home.

I haven't set eyes on him in 4 weeks and don't intend to now. Makes me feel stronger to make that decision. Taking back my power from his disease I guess

Please pray for me that I will have the strength to deal with any outcomes that occur

I CAN do this just another small hurdle in the larger picture of things. Eh❤️Oh I know you weren't judging I like the replies it helps me focus on me xx

qtpi

((((( hugs)))))). I know how hard it is. It gets better. I am so much stronger and more confident now.

Zircon

Hi,
Stay strong! It does get better!

Zircon

sauerkraut

I'm going to go out on a (projecting) limb here, but the reason that "ok" hurts is because part of you is hoping he'll say something more along the lines of "oh my gosh I'm so sorry; I made a huge mistake and messed everything up; I'm taking responsibility for my actions and I'm in recovery and everything is going to be different now; I can't believe I hurt you so much and if you let me back, I'll never ever do anything like that to you again."

You know, that speech.

But, in reality, you've probably heard that speech before, and what did it get you?

Nothing changes if nothing changes, and you just made a big change. Good for you. How about giving yourself the positive affirmation you're hoping for from him? Something along the lines of "I love myself and my daughter, and nothing matters more than making our lives as calm, peaceful, and loving as I can, so that's what I'm doing. We only have one precious life, and this is how I want to live mine."

NYCDoglvr

Because you really wanted more of a reaction. Ambivalent feelings after a separation are completely normal. Just continue to maintain NC and eventually your reaction will be indifference ......... it's a process (don't you hate that word?)

Bekindalways

I don't know about Suzy but back in the day that is how I would have felt . . . sigh. Letting go of the hope and the fantasy was the most painful for me.

Spinner-007

...it hurts because you're human.

Being a spouse of an addict opens up a level of emotional devastation that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.

The roller coaster ride is one you can't get off when you should, largely because we think we shouldn't or could, and when it's time to jump, then you go through a level of emotion and mental gymnastics that nobody gets a medal for.

You only leave when you've had enough of having enough of it, and the uncertainty of the unknown becomes less scary(thus more attractive) than staying with the addict.

And during that time and thereafter, you're entitled to all your emotions, so feel what you feel, and don't let any guilt you may be feeling to take control of your plans.

Anyhoo...check out this new dance move I'm perfecting: YEAH, BABY!

Needs a little polishing, I admit, but its sure to dial up a couple of 'likes'!

PEACE!