I think after that the goal is to develop a sense of self. I've always been a reflection of other people and their emotions, so this will take a while...I honestly can't see myself leaving until it does.

Another way to see this is, at least this is the way that it has been happening for me, I couldn't really do that until AFTER I was separated from AH. Yes, I did a lot of inner work and therapy before the separation, but I was able to make enormous strides once I was away from him and out of the constant anxiety of crisis mode. And every day with an alcoholic partner can be in crisis mode.

Pshh - I could guess every one of us can relate to these behaviors. Hun, we didn't end up in this form because we were happy go lucky, enjoying our lives and acting the picture of health. :grouphug:

Most of us showed up here DESPERADO - in tears, feeling crazy, knowing our lives were out of control, ashamed, enraged, wanting to learn how to fix the alcoholic, and sporting physical symptoms such as anxiety, migraines, insomnia, and despair. We saw walking on eggshells, trying to control another adult, stalking, counting drinks and bottles, and isolating ourselves as day to day behaviors.

You are...and whether you ultimately leave him or stay, if you are going to work on yourself, you're gonna have to get off to regain your health and sense of self.

You are exactly right - and it isn't easy - in fact, it's about as easy as an alcoholic sobering up and seeking recovery. We spend so much time hoping they do all that hard work without realizing that we need the same damn thing.

But, YOU CAN DO IT! And there is no better time to start.:grouphug:

Im sorry to hear what your going through. In a lot of ways its very much like what I experienced. Its good your doing therapy!

I have been working on both of those issues also. Plus, it has helped to have the addiction doctor explain addiction,husbands behaviors, kinds of treatments. It helps me get a better mental grip on things, and makes coping easier. I had been trying Alanon but I stopped doing it now. Im going to focus on my therapy goals !

I recently posed the question of how the experience had affected others self esteem. I think mine was in part because of the behaviors that I experienced when my husband was using the cocaine. He was aggressive and abusive at times. And then the shame and guilt being associated with all this stuff. I dont think I attached my identity to others so much, but one big factor for me was we had moved prior to all of this happening. All my life I had basically been in school or working and this was the first time I had to sit with myself. No real family here or friends. But the therapist says its a growth opportunity for me to get to know myself, and provide my own positive feedback and self speak. Im trying to look at it all in a positive way.

You will get where you need to go if you keep plugging along at it. Thats what Im doing. Once you start feeling better from the progress your making it will be encouraging to continue.

And YES you are right. I was also posting about my MIL. She cannot handle her emotions, and she cries, wails, yells, and made major attempts to run the show the way she wanted.. She is not making any points with me, and it doesnt make me open to her views when she behaves like that. My husband seems to have a mute button where she is concerned, but I also know some of her negativity sticks to him.

I was like that for a while, but I dont want to be like that. It really all has to do with balance, knowing our limits, and our own coping skills I think.

Feel Better! You can do this !