Did I just make a huge mistake?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Let me preface this with the thought that whether you stay for right now or go immediately, neither response is "right" or "wrong". You did say if he went back to drinking, you were gone. It's tough to say whether this incident really represents a "return to drinking" or whether it's a slip that DOES happen, quite often, in early recovery. I'm not minimizing it, and not suggesting you (or especially HE should). I think the next few days/weeks will tell you a whole lot about whether he's serious about this.
I think what happens for a lot of alcoholics (I'm eight years sober and have been married to two alcoholics, and have been around AA/Al-Anon for 37 years, since my first husband got sober) is that they underestimate the magnitude of the disease and the urge to drink. They feel pretty "together" when they come out of rehab, but then life shows up and they aren't equipped yet to deal with it.
This humiliating experience COULD be what he needs to realize he can't simply coast just because he's had 60 days of treatment. OTOH, maybe nothing really sunk in and he's still trying to figure out how he can drink "normally"--in that case, he's got a ways further to go before he even reaches the point of acceptance of his condition.
So you can stay or go--just know that whichever you decide is not going to be the tipping factor in whether he recovers or not.
I think what happens for a lot of alcoholics (I'm eight years sober and have been married to two alcoholics, and have been around AA/Al-Anon for 37 years, since my first husband got sober) is that they underestimate the magnitude of the disease and the urge to drink. They feel pretty "together" when they come out of rehab, but then life shows up and they aren't equipped yet to deal with it.
This humiliating experience COULD be what he needs to realize he can't simply coast just because he's had 60 days of treatment. OTOH, maybe nothing really sunk in and he's still trying to figure out how he can drink "normally"--in that case, he's got a ways further to go before he even reaches the point of acceptance of his condition.
So you can stay or go--just know that whichever you decide is not going to be the tipping factor in whether he recovers or not.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Yikes.
The only way to spin it in a positive way is to think of it as a learning experience.
Whatever he pulls off next time - you are better off letting him get arrested.
IMO - alcoholics in early recovery, even without relapses, are way too nutty for me to deal with.
Nothing wrong with "taking a break" from him till he gets his stuff together. I don't think you should be the one to move out either....ideally if he goes back to inpatient and then sober living for up to half a year
The only way to spin it in a positive way is to think of it as a learning experience.
Whatever he pulls off next time - you are better off letting him get arrested.
IMO - alcoholics in early recovery, even without relapses, are way too nutty for me to deal with.
Nothing wrong with "taking a break" from him till he gets his stuff together. I don't think you should be the one to move out either....ideally if he goes back to inpatient and then sober living for up to half a year
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by Txbuttercup 
The center says it is possible to sincerely want change but still struggle and slip until the brain chemisty catches up to the heart. Mistakes don't mean they don't want it, just that they havent honed their tools (daily aa meetings would be good for that, ahem).
I'm sure he wants to change, or at least have the rewards of change, but a lot depends on how much he wants it. With everything he has? Enough to call a sponsor during the next episode?
As Lexie's said, some underestimate the challenge of sobriety after the glow of rehab has faded. Time will tell if he's learned his lesson.
BTW did you find his pants?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello, I am so sorry for what brought you here, but so glad you are here.
You have gotten some great responses, so I am just going to add the one thing I saw missing, which is a plan. A concrete plan. You don't have to make all the decisions right now, however, when you did want out, you had no where to go.
So that being said, I would have a plan in place that if you do need to leave (or if it were me, make him leave), what would that look like. Do you have friends or family you can stay with if need be? Do you have copies of all the documents, etc that you need out of the house? Do you have separate funds so you have access to money right away? That type of thing.
Tight hugs. So sorry this is happening. Keep going to Alanon!
You have gotten some great responses, so I am just going to add the one thing I saw missing, which is a plan. A concrete plan. You don't have to make all the decisions right now, however, when you did want out, you had no where to go.
So that being said, I would have a plan in place that if you do need to leave (or if it were me, make him leave), what would that look like. Do you have friends or family you can stay with if need be? Do you have copies of all the documents, etc that you need out of the house? Do you have separate funds so you have access to money right away? That type of thing.
Tight hugs. So sorry this is happening. Keep going to Alanon!
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by dandylion
buttercup.....out of my own curiosity....I just can't help but ask.....what explanation does he give regarding his pants? Does he remember what happened and his condition, when discovered?
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 52
Anvil - your math is correct and assessment dead on.
I brought up his lack of legal troubles to explain why I was so woefully unprepared to make to decision on the spot. I remember thinking at family day the parts about enabling legally didn't apply to us. After 15 years together I figured if he was going that route it would have already happened....oy.
I brought up his lack of legal troubles to explain why I was so woefully unprepared to make to decision on the spot. I remember thinking at family day the parts about enabling legally didn't apply to us. After 15 years together I figured if he was going that route it would have already happened....oy.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 55
Welcome Buttercup, What he does now, he needs to do for him, he has to want recovery and take the steps to get there.
For you, I think you need a safety plan. A plan that includes a safe place for you and your dogs to go if needed, pack a bag, keep it in your trunk, enough money put away that you will not be in need if something happens, a step two to your plan, what do you do after you have left, a record of what has happened, and how you need it to change to feel safe to live with him.
And keep this in mind, you obviously love your husband and that is why you are willing to do whatever it takes to protect him, but if you need to leave the Alcoholic it doesn't mean you are leaving the marriage. Decisions of leaving the marriage do not need to be made anytime soon, you have plenty of time to think it over, and that will give him time to seek help, sober-up and hear your concerns and hopefully he will see that he is hurting you with his drinking.
If you need help making a plan you can to Develop a Safety Plan « Center For Relationship Abuse Awareness
Best wishes, and keep coming back and posting.
For you, I think you need a safety plan. A plan that includes a safe place for you and your dogs to go if needed, pack a bag, keep it in your trunk, enough money put away that you will not be in need if something happens, a step two to your plan, what do you do after you have left, a record of what has happened, and how you need it to change to feel safe to live with him.
And keep this in mind, you obviously love your husband and that is why you are willing to do whatever it takes to protect him, but if you need to leave the Alcoholic it doesn't mean you are leaving the marriage. Decisions of leaving the marriage do not need to be made anytime soon, you have plenty of time to think it over, and that will give him time to seek help, sober-up and hear your concerns and hopefully he will see that he is hurting you with his drinking.
If you need help making a plan you can to Develop a Safety Plan « Center For Relationship Abuse Awareness
Best wishes, and keep coming back and posting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 52
The story line is unfolding as any sane person could have predicted.
IOP was Tuesday and he found out that I had called the IOP councelor on Saturday when he came home the first time. She didn't call back until Tuesday afternoon. I just told her it was bad and next time he'll be dead or in jail. When he came home from IOP he went straight to the guest bedroom. The next morning he said it was because he was mad and didn't want to fight. He felt "berated" when she grilled him in front of the group. He admitted his new sobriety date, so that would have happened whether I made the call or not. He's been just looking for a reason to quit. Yesterday (wed) he was kind and normal, reminded me of when he first came home from inpatient. I do not believe he drank Sun-wed. This morning (thurs) he said he is dropping out of IOP. I asked him to think about getting a therapist like they strongly suggested in inpatient and off to work I went.
I am a nervous wreck, constantly obsessing over whether he is drinking. I am nauseated, my chest is tight and I'm always of the verge of breaking into tears. I check our bank accounts and his cell phone logs about every hour to see where he is spending money and if he is calling anyone for help. I know this is unhealthy and al anon can help. I'm confessing in case anyone can relate.
I saw he got cash back today and I called to ask why. Of course he lied and denied he was drinking, even though I could already tell. Later in the day he charged a tell-tell amount on his credit card. This is adds an extra layer of pissed-off-ness since I am the only one employed. How dare he spend my hard earned money on alcohol.
I have been somewhat of a diest for a decade, but started praying a couple weeks ago (which makes me feel like a hypocrite...because I am, I guess).
I wanted so badly to leave work and rush home. I prayed for strength not to, as I realised no good could come from it. I prayed on the way home (at my normal time) for strength to control my words and actions, for my safety and for guidance. I prayed for God to open both our hearts and minds to get us on the path he intends. Then I pulled over listened to an al anon podcast about dealing with relapse. I'm trying so hard, harder than him.
Thankfully he was asleep when I got home; there was a poorly hid bottle in the garage. I left both alone and came straight here to post, so hi!
He is awake now and seemingly not drunk. Any suggestions on how to act or what to say?
My plan is to grill like I had planned yesterday and carry on as usual.
I understand not to confront when they are drunk, but am I supposed to ignore it?
You all have read stories like mine hundreds of times I'm sure. Seems to me that Saturday wasn't rock bottom. I'm holding it together now and bitting my lip, but I'm slowly losing any glimmer of hope.
IOP was Tuesday and he found out that I had called the IOP councelor on Saturday when he came home the first time. She didn't call back until Tuesday afternoon. I just told her it was bad and next time he'll be dead or in jail. When he came home from IOP he went straight to the guest bedroom. The next morning he said it was because he was mad and didn't want to fight. He felt "berated" when she grilled him in front of the group. He admitted his new sobriety date, so that would have happened whether I made the call or not. He's been just looking for a reason to quit. Yesterday (wed) he was kind and normal, reminded me of when he first came home from inpatient. I do not believe he drank Sun-wed. This morning (thurs) he said he is dropping out of IOP. I asked him to think about getting a therapist like they strongly suggested in inpatient and off to work I went.
I am a nervous wreck, constantly obsessing over whether he is drinking. I am nauseated, my chest is tight and I'm always of the verge of breaking into tears. I check our bank accounts and his cell phone logs about every hour to see where he is spending money and if he is calling anyone for help. I know this is unhealthy and al anon can help. I'm confessing in case anyone can relate.
I saw he got cash back today and I called to ask why. Of course he lied and denied he was drinking, even though I could already tell. Later in the day he charged a tell-tell amount on his credit card. This is adds an extra layer of pissed-off-ness since I am the only one employed. How dare he spend my hard earned money on alcohol.
I have been somewhat of a diest for a decade, but started praying a couple weeks ago (which makes me feel like a hypocrite...because I am, I guess).
I wanted so badly to leave work and rush home. I prayed for strength not to, as I realised no good could come from it. I prayed on the way home (at my normal time) for strength to control my words and actions, for my safety and for guidance. I prayed for God to open both our hearts and minds to get us on the path he intends. Then I pulled over listened to an al anon podcast about dealing with relapse. I'm trying so hard, harder than him.
Thankfully he was asleep when I got home; there was a poorly hid bottle in the garage. I left both alone and came straight here to post, so hi!
He is awake now and seemingly not drunk. Any suggestions on how to act or what to say?
My plan is to grill like I had planned yesterday and carry on as usual.
I understand not to confront when they are drunk, but am I supposed to ignore it?
You all have read stories like mine hundreds of times I'm sure. Seems to me that Saturday wasn't rock bottom. I'm holding it together now and bitting my lip, but I'm slowly losing any glimmer of hope.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hon, you HAVE to stop the checking up. look, i GET it, it feels like something we can control. like somebody has to watch the finances, right?
but that is not what we are doing.....we are so over into their stuff, we are in a bizarre way almost joining them on their "adventure into stupidity". i'd say my check the account-to-actual misdeed occurring rate is about 90%. our gut tells us as much if not more than our eyes and ears do.
you know he's relapsed and you know he's still drinking. he knows it too! so nobody is really being fooled here. you aren't "pretending" you don't know, you just aren't addressing it. cuz today's rant/lecture/busted!!!! talk won't be any different than yesterday's or last week's.
can you cut his card off? you are absolutely correct that he need not be charging MORE on a card when only one of you is working. and he's completely irresponsible, so privileges get taken away!
but that is not what we are doing.....we are so over into their stuff, we are in a bizarre way almost joining them on their "adventure into stupidity". i'd say my check the account-to-actual misdeed occurring rate is about 90%. our gut tells us as much if not more than our eyes and ears do.
you know he's relapsed and you know he's still drinking. he knows it too! so nobody is really being fooled here. you aren't "pretending" you don't know, you just aren't addressing it. cuz today's rant/lecture/busted!!!! talk won't be any different than yesterday's or last week's.
can you cut his card off? you are absolutely correct that he need not be charging MORE on a card when only one of you is working. and he's completely irresponsible, so privileges get taken away!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
When you say you're planning to "grill," you mean cooking? I'm only asking because you used "grill" in the figurative sense talking about his IOP counselor.
I don't think "confronting" him, drunk or sober, will accomplish anything. He already knows you know. Since he's not showing any signs of stopping right now, what about simply enforcing your boundary and separating for now? It would give you both some breathing room. It's not going to "hurt" his chances at recovery. Rather, he will be in the position of deciding where he wants to go with his life. IF he gets back on board, you can consider a reconciliation down the road.
Boundaries are most effective if you protect them. If you don't want to live with the drinking, don't.
I don't think "confronting" him, drunk or sober, will accomplish anything. He already knows you know. Since he's not showing any signs of stopping right now, what about simply enforcing your boundary and separating for now? It would give you both some breathing room. It's not going to "hurt" his chances at recovery. Rather, he will be in the position of deciding where he wants to go with his life. IF he gets back on board, you can consider a reconciliation down the road.
Boundaries are most effective if you protect them. If you don't want to live with the drinking, don't.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 52
Yes, grill as in cook.
Too bad you can't make pocket size anvils and lexies that spew words of wisdom when a string is pulled; you'd make a killing. Thank you for the quick replies.
I like that, I'm not pretending, I'm just not addressing.
Too bad you can't make pocket size anvils and lexies that spew words of wisdom when a string is pulled; you'd make a killing. Thank you for the quick replies.
I like that, I'm not pretending, I'm just not addressing.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
I went through similar with my husband. Left an outpatient program, had a very bad drinking episode, left an inpatient program. And finally got into therapy. Is doing good now.
So you never know what can happen, but you have to deal with the here and now, and especially focus on your feelings and emotions,
It looks like you have figured out the constant monitoring doesnt do much to calm your nerves. So just ask yourself why you do it, and if you find a bit of info what will you do with it? I couldnt talk to my husband reasonably when he was drinking or using drugs. We did have some good talks at various points and I tried to be supportive of his continued treatment and listen to his feelings, But I found that unless I got myself together emotionally then even that was too hard. Because sometimes I wanted to just say, Now. How can you not figure it out., or some things less kind,. Thank goodness I didnt say a lot of things I felt back then as they wouldnt have been helpful to either of us.
Have you tried therapy for yourself yet? Thats what I turned to and it helped me with all my emotions, and the anziety. Its rough and I feel for you.
So you never know what can happen, but you have to deal with the here and now, and especially focus on your feelings and emotions,
It looks like you have figured out the constant monitoring doesnt do much to calm your nerves. So just ask yourself why you do it, and if you find a bit of info what will you do with it? I couldnt talk to my husband reasonably when he was drinking or using drugs. We did have some good talks at various points and I tried to be supportive of his continued treatment and listen to his feelings, But I found that unless I got myself together emotionally then even that was too hard. Because sometimes I wanted to just say, Now. How can you not figure it out., or some things less kind,. Thank goodness I didnt say a lot of things I felt back then as they wouldnt have been helpful to either of us.
Have you tried therapy for yourself yet? Thats what I turned to and it helped me with all my emotions, and the anziety. Its rough and I feel for you.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I was married to an alcoholic for over 20 years, and one of the hardest things was to realize that I had zero influence over whether or not he drank or what he did when he was drinking. Zero, none, nothing. What I wanted him to do or asked him to do had no relationship to what he did. This is because his primary relationship was with alcohol, I came a distant second. (His second ex-wife is telling me the same story now).
I think this means you can let go of worrying whether you did the "right" thing or not. There is nothing you can do that will be any "righter" or "wronger" than anything else. He is drinking, lying, giving up on sobriety, and using your money to buy alcohol and messing with your head. You can't change any of this, all you can do is decide whether you want to be around while he does this. It's incredibly hard.
When you described the tightness in your chest and the nauseated feeling, I know exactly what you mean. I made the choice to leave the marriage, and I know that was absolutely the right thing to do for me and my child, but that doesn't mean it's the right thing for everyone.
I think this means you can let go of worrying whether you did the "right" thing or not. There is nothing you can do that will be any "righter" or "wronger" than anything else. He is drinking, lying, giving up on sobriety, and using your money to buy alcohol and messing with your head. You can't change any of this, all you can do is decide whether you want to be around while he does this. It's incredibly hard.
When you described the tightness in your chest and the nauseated feeling, I know exactly what you mean. I made the choice to leave the marriage, and I know that was absolutely the right thing to do for me and my child, but that doesn't mean it's the right thing for everyone.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Txbuttercup
Too bad you can't make pocket size anvils and lexies that spew words of wisdom when a string is pulled; you'd make a killing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Too bad you can't make pocket size anvils and lexies that spew words of wisdom when a string is pulled; you'd make a killing. Thank you for the quick replies.
i can state emphatically NO ONE on SR has ever said anything quite like that!!!
WWLAS? lmao
i can state emphatically NO ONE on SR has ever said anything quite like that!!!
WWLAS? lmao
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by aliciagr
Have you tried therapy for yourself yet? Thats what I turned to and it helped me with all my emotions, and the anziety. Its rough and I feel for you.
First is developing coping skills. I can't be acting a fool and screaming, throwing things, regardless of who I'm dealing with. All that does is add embarrassment onto anger. I think after that the goal is to develop a sense of self. I've always been a reflection of other people and their emotions, so this will take a while...I honestly can't see myself leaving until it does. Right now I feel like I'm riding two different cars on a roller coaster - his and mine. I'm being jerked around and eventually it's going to pull me apart.
Big thanks to all who related to my anxiety and stalking behaviors.
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