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Think My Enabling Has Reared Its Ugly Head Again

Old 03-17-2017, 03:39 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Hummer View Post
Hi ladybird,

Keep looking for solutions - it really doesn't sound as though your BF wants to split up your relationship. I know our children must always come first but yours are adults (like mine) and I travelled between England and Scotland every other week for three years until recently - it's was an 8 hour journey every week (probably less than what you might be considering) but it meant I could keep my relationship with soon to be ex and also see my daughter and grandchildren week about.
Was not an ideal situation and it was tiring for me but there are ways until your children are completely independent.

Maybe a similar job/situation would be there in another year or two if your both not ready to make the move right away but from what I've read here, you and your BF have a solid and committed relationship - good luck
Last year I travelled between UK and Southern Europe repeatedly on a bus cos it was cheapest lol. It took 28 plus hours from London and I live in the North. It worked out OK really. I think I felt guilty tho cos I somehow feel responsible for entertaining my boys and they seemed alone when I wasn't here ( probably enjoying the peace) . One pointed out yesterday "Well am not going to be living with you forever mum!" and it struck me I need to give them more credit for sorting their own lives out. My codie streak needs to be needed but in reality I think they humour me.
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Old 03-17-2017, 06:33 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Attagirl.

And here's something else to consider. I remember when I first separated, feeling utterly helpless. I don't have a ton of close friends, and I kept thinking, what if the car breaks down, what if this or that happens, who would I CALL?

Well, yeah, those things did eventually happen, and guess what? I managed to navigate them. Some more gracefully than others. But the point is, every time I did manage, I felt more confidence in my ability to handle whatever came up. I was stranded in Chicago due to weather in my home state recently, and my cats were alone for the maximum time I feel I can leave them. I called up a carpenter friend and he went over and accessed the house using a key I leave in a lockbox, and he made sure their food was good and emptied the (by then totally disgusting) litter box. It worked out. And if he couldn't have done it, I would have called other neighbors/friends to help out (or even the vet, as a last resort). When you GOTTA do something, you figure it out.
I am in a similar position. Initially I moved here on my own but the boys came to live with me 8 months later and as one is disabled I've had to curtail what I did as a singleton here to an extent. I was a single parent anyway as exah was as much use as chocolate fireguard and while I was away last year he had my boys doing jobs for him. Ds put up a shed for him!

What I miss is my daughters. I could count on them in any emergency ( even tho 3 don't speak to me they will step up for the boys) but they have busy lives now ( final year at uni and one has a very young baby) and last year when one of my boys had to go in hospital as an emergency my daughter, who lived here then, came and looked after the autistic one. She's doing an MA now tho miles away. Some sort of back up is crucial to the success of my future plans.

My boyfriend is back next week but I feel I can be more positive now thanks to the suggestions you and others have made. Thank you
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Old 03-18-2017, 09:13 AM
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Update

Well the rubber hit the road. He got offered the job and he's seeing them Monday. He's told them he's coming back here and they weren't happy. He said they knew all along he was coming back here so they can't really complain. He's booked his ticket and he's coming home to talk to me and do the things he committed to doing with me this summer. ( we booked stuff last year)

I asked him if he wanted to stay? He said that was a difficult question. No it's not. It's only difficult if you are scared of what the answer will do. It's clear he wants to stay or he'd have said no.

Am upset. I hate feeling like an obligation. He says am not. He says, yet again, he loves me and he wants me to be happy. I want him to be happy too. Being here does not make him happy. Doing what he loves makes him happy....so round and round we go.

My best friend here thinks maybe I need to rip off the band aid and let him go and see if we get brought back together in the future.. She thinks am in limbo all the time and can't plan anything. I cannot break up with him on Facebook messenger tho...not after 2 years. He deserves a face to face discussion. I'll see how it goes next week.
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Old 03-18-2017, 09:38 AM
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I think it's perfectly possible for it to be a difficult question. He wants two things--the job and you. That doesn't mean you're an "obligation"--it means he wants you.

In "ripping off the bandaid" and "letting him go" you are also, in a sense, rejecting him. Telling him that you don't want the hassle that goes with trying to make this work. Now, maybe you would rather lose him than go through the hassle, but it certainly doesn't sound that way to me.

It seems ridiculous not to even attempt it. If it doesn't work out, you can reassess. Or he can. Or both of you. Try to take "what's best for him" out of your thinking. Let HIM worry about what's best for him. If he does that, and you think about what's best for YOU, you can sit down and discuss it.

Otherwise, this will be like an O. Henry story, with each of you sacrificing for the other's sake and ultimately winding up with something that isn't great for either one of you.
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Old 03-18-2017, 10:00 AM
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As usual you make perfect sense Lexie. I tend to see things very black and white. I don't want to reject him. He's a lovely person, very clever but unassuming, and he's such good fun when he's here and my boys love him too. I guess am scared of him rejecting me cos, from where I am sitting, am not a great option for him at the moment.

What is best for me is being with him. I can be alone. I've done that to death for years but I don't want to be without him. Am not dependent on him but he enhances my life. He's the only person I know who can make me laugh until I cry, who makes me feel good about myself when am down or having a very bad hair day lol, who sees me for who I am but still loves me. He's a one off for me. They don't come round very often in one lifetime. I'll be brave a while longer.
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Old 03-25-2017, 03:18 AM
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Update

of sorts. He arrived back a day late due to the terrorism in London cos he missed connections. We had a long chat. He is very conflicted. On one hand he doesn't want to leave me but on the other he knows it's now or never. The UK invoke Article 50 next week so the clock is ticking to a 2 year exit ( at the longest ) from the EU. He has to be established by then to have any hope of staying and at the moment its not clear if he can then anyway. Ex pats are just hoping for the best.

He can live in the company's staff house until he can afford his own place. This is good cos where he moving too you have to have an address before you can get a job and you have to have a job before you can get an address normally lol.

Where does this leave us? Well he's going back by the end of the summer. I told him I won't/can't live in a shared house IF I ever get in a position to join him. He was surprised at that cos on our travels we stayed in shared dorm hostels but I like my own space and living in a house full of people sharing the kitchen and bathroom is not my idea of a good time. Am a grown women not a young student.

I still feel in limbo but my boyfriend will go even tho he keeps putting the date of departure back. He thinks I can join him but I can't see how in the foreseeable future. My exah is back on the scene with my boys and introduced one to a man yesterday who is clearly his boyfriend who he met in rehab and is now living with him. The fact that exah is gay comes as no surprised to me ( I and others suspected it for years) but it did my son who is shocked. I can't just leave them both here while he is around. He got very angry my other son refused to see him which suggests his latest recovery is not solid.

I am sad that life is never straightforward and I seem to get the rough end of the stick. If my boyfriend was truly honest he knows what he is asking me is not doable in the time scale of 2 years. I'd need to be leaving here before my boys are 20 and they cannot fend for themselves.
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Old 03-25-2017, 03:36 AM
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I have found, for myself...in some situations,that everything else seems in place, but, the timing is just not right.....
It does make for some difficult decisions.
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Old 03-25-2017, 04:12 AM
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EMPATHY AND SUPPORT, lb
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Old 03-25-2017, 09:52 AM
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I dunno, I think maybe it IS doable in the space of two years. Young people mature a LOT at the end of their teens, and even if they continue to be upset by their dad's behavior, they can be in a place to cope with it. Maybe they will lean more on friends. Maybe they will see a therapist regularly. It's not as if you are the ONLY person who can help them navigate the world. What if you were die? Do you think they would fall apart, never to manage life? And speaking of not knowing how long any of us has, do you really want to lose this terrific (based on what you've said about him) guy, on the chance things MIGHT not work out?

It's really a very individual decision, in the end, and one that only you can make. I'm just trying to counter your tendency to see things as black and white.
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Old 03-25-2017, 10:06 AM
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It does worry me if I were to die. I have some chronic health issues which means making old bones is highly unlikely for me. The boys have no peer aged friends here at all and as one is very autistic I don't know what would happen to him. I expect their siblings would step up if I was actually dead but while am alive they expect me to be here for them. My dd said she'd consider taking the autistic one in 20 years or so!

So it could be doable but am preparing myself for the chance it might not.
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Old 03-25-2017, 10:15 AM
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Is your son with autism involved in any programs/activities to encourage his independence? Maybe this resource is already familiar to you: Adult life - NAS
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Old 03-25-2017, 11:05 AM
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Yeah I at times wonder how many opportunities in life I have missed due to O'Henry novel-like moments and my inability to pick up on social cues (a little bit on autism spectrum myself perhaps?)

Ladybird -

I can totally relate to your worries about your kids - especially the boy on the spectrum - I have one myself, he is 13 now. Sort of similar situation with XAH - he lives 4 hours away and is not very involved

I can relate to resentment - I had all these visions of traveling the country for work and taking fun jobs and now I am sort of stuck because my current position affords for flexibility and stability. XAH's plan was to be the main caregiver, except it does not quite work when you are actively drinking.

Maybe you can start small - do you work currently? If not - you can visit BF frequently in several weeks increments and see how your kids get along without you.

Is it a permanent gig or temporary assignment for him? I work for multi-national company and once you get to a certain management level - you need to do a foreign service assignment - many moms with multiple kids choose to "wait at out" in home country while husband is away on assignment and visits every month - it is not like their marriages dissolve - it is a temporary thing

Plus - if you move - do you "lose" your friends, your support system? What will not moving do to your relationship?

As a person who moved across the ocean once to be with XAH - I'd say think about yourself first. If relationship was meant to be - I feel like it will work out either way Even flaky XAH flew across the ocean to visit me and purchased a house in hopes to lure me in lol. I disagree with the statement that by not willing to move you would be rejecting him - you are not a 19 year old student with no commitments - it is a big decision. Plus, distance makes the heart grow fonder for sure.
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Old 03-25-2017, 11:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Nata1980 View Post
Yeah I at times wonder how many opportunities in life I have missed due to O'Henry novel-like moments and my inability to pick up on social cues (a little bit on autism spectrum myself perhaps?)

Ladybird -

I can totally relate to your worries about your kids - especially the boy on the spectrum - I have one myself, he is 13 now. Sort of similar situation with XAH - he lives 4 hours away and is not very involved

I can relate to resentment - I had all these visions of traveling the country for work and taking fun jobs and now I am sort of stuck because my current position affords for flexibility and stability. XAH's plan was to be the main caregiver, except it does not quite work when you are actively drinking.

Maybe you can start small - do you work currently? If not - you can visit BF frequently in several weeks increments and see how your kids get along without you.

Is it a permanent gig or temporary assignment for him? I work for multi-national company and once you get to a certain management level - you need to do a foreign service assignment - many moms with multiple kids choose to "wait at out" in home country while husband is away on assignment and visits every month - it is not like their marriages dissolve - it is a temporary thing

Plus - if you move - do you "lose" your friends, your support system? What will not moving do to your relationship?

As a person who moved across the ocean once to be with XAH - I'd say think about yourself first. If relationship was meant to be - I feel like it will work out either way Even flaky XAH flew across the ocean to visit me and purchased a house in hopes to lure me in lol. I disagree with the statement that by not willing to move you would be rejecting him - you are not a 19 year old student with no commitments - it is a big decision. Plus, distance makes the heart grow fonder for sure.
I did voluntary work but have health issues of my own so I am now a carer for the autistic son. Exah was sober for 3 months a year ago and he moved nearby to be "more involved" but has been wasted ever since. I stupidly got my hopes up at that time and thought my dream to move abroad might become a reality but it came crashing very quickly when I realised exah was not in recovery anymore and I had to re-think support for the boys and my health issues got worse too.

His new job will be permanent and he won't be coming back. He lived over there for 19 out of the last 22 years. I met him when he came back for a holiday and he stayed here for the last 2 years cos he met me but am not enough for him. That not being mean about myself but he hates living here and is miserable. He's never settled.

I went for a month last year and the boys were fine. Going for good is not an option as things are tho. They re not self supporting and have no one else they can live with. For myself I'd lose my friends here if I go. I have cats I am very attached too but one is too old to travel. I would miss one of my daughters and my boys. I also have to consider that due to his work my boyfriend would be away a lot so I'd have to be independent very quickly in a foreign country and make my own friends and life.

I discussed all this with my boyfriend today and it's clear that I would have to work full time too. The elephant in the room is I am not well enough to work full time. I am on disability and going somewhere else to live is not going to make me better. He's gone very quiet now cos I think he's starting to see this not a cake and eat it situation. When he goes he's ultimately going to have to split with me unless he comes back.
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Old 03-25-2017, 11:41 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Is your son with autism involved in any programs/activities to encourage his independence? Maybe this resource is already familiar to you: Adult life - NAS

No. He won't leave the house unless forced. He's home schooled so I have taught him all the life skills he has so far. He's managing to cook a bit and can do his laundry. He can use a phone and work cash machine...stuff like that. Thank for the link.
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