And the obsessing is back
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 63
And the obsessing is back
I went to my first Alanon meeting today. Learned a lot, shared a lot and cried a lot.
I have been separated from my AH for nearly 4 weeks. I'm no contact or minimal because we have a daughter.
She is 11 and talks to him on her mobile separately from me. He said to her he was going to a meeting on Monday then said he went to band instead. He sent her a text saying sorry and he was going on weds ( today) yep you guessed. She's upset so I told her to maybe have a break from daddy for a little while. She was meant to be going there this weekend but says she wants to stay with me.
I sent him a brief text saying: Lucy doesn't want to come to you this weekend. It's nothing to do with me she has her own reasons and I'm not going to force her.
I then blocked him again to avoid receiving an abusive reply.
I actually think it's a good idea for us both to have a total real from his madness but if she wanted to go to him( his mums home so she's safe) I wouldn't stop her.
The problem is even this bit of contact has sent me on a spiral again. The obsession started. Where is he, what's he doing? Who with? I hate these thoughts and pray and use all my tools ( I've done 12 steps) called my sponsor. Obsessional thoughts keep right on coming. Is this normal? Will they ever stop? I'm trying so hard to detach. Feel broken all over again
I have been separated from my AH for nearly 4 weeks. I'm no contact or minimal because we have a daughter.
She is 11 and talks to him on her mobile separately from me. He said to her he was going to a meeting on Monday then said he went to band instead. He sent her a text saying sorry and he was going on weds ( today) yep you guessed. She's upset so I told her to maybe have a break from daddy for a little while. She was meant to be going there this weekend but says she wants to stay with me.
I sent him a brief text saying: Lucy doesn't want to come to you this weekend. It's nothing to do with me she has her own reasons and I'm not going to force her.
I then blocked him again to avoid receiving an abusive reply.
I actually think it's a good idea for us both to have a total real from his madness but if she wanted to go to him( his mums home so she's safe) I wouldn't stop her.
The problem is even this bit of contact has sent me on a spiral again. The obsession started. Where is he, what's he doing? Who with? I hate these thoughts and pray and use all my tools ( I've done 12 steps) called my sponsor. Obsessional thoughts keep right on coming. Is this normal? Will they ever stop? I'm trying so hard to detach. Feel broken all over again
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You've worked the 12 Steps? You mean, in a different 12-Step program? (I'm assuming it's not Al-Anon if you just went to your first meeting.)
If so, I'd suggest getting an Al-Anon sponsor and working the Al-Anon Steps. I know the steps are the same, but the focus is different depending on which program you are working.
If so, I'd suggest getting an Al-Anon sponsor and working the Al-Anon Steps. I know the steps are the same, but the focus is different depending on which program you are working.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I've had obsessional thinking and it's dreadful, like a bunch of bees in my head. But I promise that if you keep on this healthy path the mental torture will cease. It helped me to call others in recovery and share in meetings. Big hug!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
I think these thoughts are normal even if drinking was not in the picture. when we separate from our partner it is normal to feel uneasy and obsessed with what they are doing without us, especially if we still harbor feelings for them. Even a break up I had with a normie back in my 20s who I wasn't even in love with drove me into an obsessive tailspin no longer knowing their whereabouts. I'm sure it's much harder with your marital partner.
Yours may also just be tinged with a little worry if he is drinking somewhere (if he went to see a band instead of a meeting he probably is). These thoughts will likely dissipate once more time passes between now and the separation and you work the program yourself. It's still too new and you are not use to life without him, even if it's a much more peaceful one!
My advice to you would be to keep your daughter close to you until he can show some promise of recovery and working the program. A's cannot be trusted in active addiction so may not be the best idea to let her go there right now, unless you are with her. Even if he is in recovery and not actively drinking, until he shows some significant stretch of it, I'd probably not let her be alone with him. I've learned that even a couple months of not actively drinking doesn't mean anything - they can snap back any time, and that chance is significantly higher if they aren't working the program vigorously (which he is not if he is skipping meetings to go hang out and see a band).
Yours may also just be tinged with a little worry if he is drinking somewhere (if he went to see a band instead of a meeting he probably is). These thoughts will likely dissipate once more time passes between now and the separation and you work the program yourself. It's still too new and you are not use to life without him, even if it's a much more peaceful one!
My advice to you would be to keep your daughter close to you until he can show some promise of recovery and working the program. A's cannot be trusted in active addiction so may not be the best idea to let her go there right now, unless you are with her. Even if he is in recovery and not actively drinking, until he shows some significant stretch of it, I'd probably not let her be alone with him. I've learned that even a couple months of not actively drinking doesn't mean anything - they can snap back any time, and that chance is significantly higher if they aren't working the program vigorously (which he is not if he is skipping meetings to go hang out and see a band).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
You've worked the 12 Steps? You mean, in a different 12-Step program? (I'm assuming it's not Al-Anon if you just went to your first meeting.)
If so, I'd suggest getting an Al-Anon sponsor and working the Al-Anon Steps. I know the steps are the same, but the focus is different depending on which program you are working.
If so, I'd suggest getting an Al-Anon sponsor and working the Al-Anon Steps. I know the steps are the same, but the focus is different depending on which program you are working.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by Smarie78
I think these thoughts are normal even if drinking was not in the picture. when we separate from our partner it is normal to feel uneasy and obsessed with what they are doing without us, especially if we still harbor feelings for them. Even a break up I had with a normie back in my 20s who I wasn't even in love with drove me into an obsessive tailspin no longer knowing their whereabouts. I'm sure it's much harder with your marital partner.
Yours may also just be tinged with a little worry if he is drinking somewhere (if he went to see a band instead of a meeting he probably is). These thoughts will likely dissipate once more time passes between now and the separation and you work the program yourself. It's still too new and you are not use to life without him, even if it's a much more peaceful one!
My advice to you would be to keep your daughter close to you until he can show some promise of recovery and working the program. A's cannot be trusted in active addiction so may not be the best idea to let her go there right now, unless you are with her. Even if he is in recovery and not actively drinking, until he shows some significant stretch of it, I'd probably not let her be alone with him. I've learned that even a couple months of not actively drinking doesn't mean anything - they can snap back any time, and that chance is significantly higher if they aren't working the program vigorously (which he is not if he is skipping meetings to go hang out and see a band).
Yours may also just be tinged with a little worry if he is drinking somewhere (if he went to see a band instead of a meeting he probably is). These thoughts will likely dissipate once more time passes between now and the separation and you work the program yourself. It's still too new and you are not use to life without him, even if it's a much more peaceful one!
My advice to you would be to keep your daughter close to you until he can show some promise of recovery and working the program. A's cannot be trusted in active addiction so may not be the best idea to let her go there right now, unless you are with her. Even if he is in recovery and not actively drinking, until he shows some significant stretch of it, I'd probably not let her be alone with him. I've learned that even a couple months of not actively drinking doesn't mean anything - they can snap back any time, and that chance is significantly higher if they aren't working the program vigorously (which he is not if he is skipping meetings to go hang out and see a band).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
A lawyer will be able to tell you exactly what it will all mean, but it will formalize things financially for you and your daughter through the court system. He should not be forcing your daughter to see him by withholding money. If there is a court order in place for visitation and for support, then at least you know what you're dealing with. He might still withhold money if she doesn't want to see him, but at least there would be a judicial process in place to keep him accountable for that choice.
It breaks my heart that he reports directly to your 11-year-old daughter which meetings he's going to NOT go to every week. That's a lot of pressure on a little kid.
It breaks my heart that he reports directly to your 11-year-old daughter which meetings he's going to NOT go to every week. That's a lot of pressure on a little kid.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
A lawyer will be able to tell you exactly what it will all mean, but it will formalize things financially for you and your daughter through the court system. He should not be forcing your daughter to see him by withholding money. If there is a court order in place for visitation and for support, then at least you know what you're dealing with. He might still withhold money if she doesn't want to see him, but at least there would be a judicial process in place to keep him accountable for that choice.
It breaks my heart that he reports directly to your 11-year-old daughter which meetings he's going to NOT go to every week. That's a lot of pressure on a little kid.
It breaks my heart that he reports directly to your 11-year-old daughter which meetings he's going to NOT go to every week. That's a lot of pressure on a little kid.
What do I say to her and how do I stop this cycle?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, definitely get a court order in place for custody/parenting time and child support. Not all states recognize "legal separation" (which can include temporary alimony, etc.), but that isn't necessary for custody/parenting time and child support. Without a custody/visitation order, you both have equal rights to custody. If he should take it into his head to do so, he could pick up your child from school and refuse to bring her back. And your child is ENTITLED to the financial support of her father. Even if he's making voluntary payments, without an order you have no recourse if he decides to quit paying.
Note too, that these are SEPARATE. Child support doesn't depend on whether he sees her (though how much time a child spends with each parent is generally considered in calculating the amount of support). But he can't decide he isn't seeing her enough and simply refuse to pay--not without consequences (including wage garnishment, fines or imprisonment for contempt, etc.).
I'd see a lawyer as soon as possible if I were you.
Note too, that these are SEPARATE. Child support doesn't depend on whether he sees her (though how much time a child spends with each parent is generally considered in calculating the amount of support). But he can't decide he isn't seeing her enough and simply refuse to pay--not without consequences (including wage garnishment, fines or imprisonment for contempt, etc.).
I'd see a lawyer as soon as possible if I were you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I wish I could tell you how to get him to stop. Does she have a counselor?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Yeah, definitely get a court order in place for custody/parenting time and child support. Not all states recognize "legal separation" (which can include temporary alimony, etc.), but that isn't necessary for custody/parenting time and child support. Without a custody/visitation order, you both have equal rights to custody. If he should take it into his head to do so, he could pick up your child from school and refuse to bring her back. And your child is ENTITLED to the financial support of her father. Even if he's making voluntary payments, without an order you have no recourse if he decides to quit paying.
Note too, that these are SEPARATE. Child support doesn't depend on whether he sees her (though how much time a child spends with each parent is generally considered in calculating the amount of support). But he can't decide he isn't seeing her enough and simply refuse to pay--not without consequences (including wage garnishment, fines or imprisonment for contempt, etc.).
I'd see a lawyer as soon as possible if I were you.
Note too, that these are SEPARATE. Child support doesn't depend on whether he sees her (though how much time a child spends with each parent is generally considered in calculating the amount of support). But he can't decide he isn't seeing her enough and simply refuse to pay--not without consequences (including wage garnishment, fines or imprisonment for contempt, etc.).
I'd see a lawyer as soon as possible if I were you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
