thousandwords53

I know I have seen it posted here before…but what does recovery look like? How does one go about supporting recovery as well as dealing with marital issues from his past behavior?

AH went cold turkey on 2/2/17 and followed up with Outpatient treatment program- still attending,
finding AA meetings, and marital counseling(which resulted in me telling him I really wanted a separation- that I didn’t want to participate in this yet)
He is making better choices with recreation/friends he hangs out with…minding his attitude and coping habits during stressful moments.
He has stepped up as a father, participates, and has been gifting me nice things (this is how he shows affection…money)
Slowly I have started sleeping in the marital bed again and he asked me on a real date - we went on it and it was nice to have him arrange it all for once- even childcare…


…but I guess I am feeling confused again. I feel like it has all glazed over because of good behavior on his part. We don’t have any REAL conversations about the issues- he did apologize after our counseling appointment for putting me through this behavior and that the knew deep down what he was doing but couldn't stop. But we only talk about positive stuff, daily stories…not really revisiting the fact that a month ago I was DONE with this relationship…I am thinking this is enmeshment or something and time will tell. But I am paranoid and once again questioning if I should take it as it is and enjoy it as it unfolds and handle business if need be? I guess I am frustrated that nothing really happened and he was really not inconvenienced by what I wanted and asked for (time apart) I guess: should I pursue separation even thought things are going well now? Or give him credit where it is due and still remain with my guard up? How do I do this? (yes I have a counseling appt in a few weeks to keep hashing this stuff out)

Does this even make sense? I am irritated that I am posting here again. ugh.

NewRomanMan

You've got a lot to think about right now, it sounds like. A whole lot. I'm not in a position to give any advice, but I think your making a decision to talk to a professional is about the wisest thing you can do right now.

AnvilheadII

well it all boils down to one question - what does TW want?

as you know, more WILL be revealed......things like if this "new approach" of his is long-lived or just being done to talk you off the ledge, get you all comfy again, and then resume old behaviors.

it IS encouraging that you are being treated well - FINALLY. and that has to be a real balm. but is it enough?

is there any way you can skooch your appt up? a few weeks out is quite a long time, especially now.

Forward12

With only a month and a half in, he's still in the infancy of recovery. Being in rehab, aa, and marriage counseling is a lot to handle all at once.
It least in my own opinion, I would continue with the separation so he can give his full focus on recovery, and also for yours from the past damage done.
Maybe 8 months to a year down the road you can check in to see if he's actually been successful, or maybe not if you've found a new life that you'd much rather be in.

Maudcat

Do you want to stay? Do you think that if he is truly working a solid recovery plan and stays sober that things will be good between you?
If that is what you want, then staying is probably the thing to do.
There is a lot going on in both your lives right now. I think that time will tell you your path.

dandylion

thousandwords......going to marriage therapy once every month or so seems rather paltry, especially, considering that this was the thing that he hooked you back in, again with. You were on the edge of leaving when he made the appointment....and you were convinced to stay during that appointment......
I am guessing that the infrequent appointments are due to cost...?
If so, I imagine that the outpatient costs are a pretty penny....so his treatment gets top priority....(AA and working the steps with a sponsor are free)......
If I remember, correctly, he has done periods of the nice stuff (that you like) in the past, to get you off the ledge....Honestly, I can't remember if he ever did an outpatient program, before......
It just looks, to me, like he has managed to bury the marital issues and AA participation in a shallow cup.....and, you are left, again, twisting your hands of worry and moderate level of discontent.....

I think that if anyone is truly serious about marriage therapy...at least once a week sessions is a reasonable investment....Many therapists do twice a week.....
Past abuse leaves scars...no doubt about it....
The bottom line, is that you know when you are unhappy or not.....
The inner forces that lead to abuse run deep and need long and intensive therapy to get to the origins....about 2 yrs. In any case, the alcoholism needs to be removed from the picture...and, genuine recovery takes about one to two years.....

Now, I know, full well, that this is the last thing you want to hear...and, it is almost an exact repetition of the situation you have found yourself in, previously....and the same way it unfolded two years ago when you left....

really, the way you want the rest of your life to be, depends on YOU, not on him....
I know that you are concerned for your kids....Your oldest child has about 3years before the teen years hit....and, I think you might want them to have some good and peaceful memories of childhood...because, the teen years can be a bear.....
I am saying these things to give you something to think about...from your own needs and welfare......
Your wants and needs are just as important as anything he wants or needs.....

FireSprite

You keep working on YOUR recovery, and doing the Next Right Thing as it reveals itself along the path. I'm going to say it here until I'm blue in the face.

I do mean it in all seriousness though 1000words, because here's the thing - time passes anyway. It's up to you how you spend it & where you decide to put your focus. Where/Who do you want to be 1 year from right now, this minute?

I promise you, if you are focused on your side of the street & he makes tremendous strides in recovery - it will not get by you. You won't miss some golden opportunity because your recovery doesn't work AGAINST his - but if you both get serious & do it right, they can become interdependent in a way that compliments one another.

You just can't control whether he IS serious or how he goes about showing it. What does recovery look like? I shared this last month:

Just my opinion -

Real Recovery is quiet. It doesn't smash & crash around the way addiction did. It doesn't demand to be the center of attention at all times.

It is accountable & respectful & engaged. It is growth of the mind, body & spirit.

It is imperfect, but humble. It is accepting & working through our emotions rather than numbing them away.

It is full of "I" statements - "I am seeking recovery/ I have done wrongs/ I am seeking new ways & tools. I have made it to meetings/ I have found a sponsor/therapist/program."

It isn't really measurable but you can't help but recognize it when you see it

I think I would add that it also stands up over time - he hasn't even been tested in his recovery yet. At 45ish days into this game ~again~ I'd be extremely wary & on guard & redouble my efforts to keep bringing my focus back to MY side of the street. Especially if he's followed this pattern in any way before, managing short stints of sobriety

hopeful4

I posted this to another member in another thread:

Here is my thoughts on this.

Recovery looks like recovery in that the truth is the truth. No making excuses. Utilizing everything in their tool box to reach for that recovery, every. single. day.

Telling the truth about where you are. Not trying to cover up for bad behaviors. Admitting that in your stupor of using you screwed up your loved ones, and TELLING THEM YOU ARE SORRY for that. Owning that.

Owning that you got yourself into this mess and that it will be hard to get out, but committing to do whatever it takes to get out of the cycle of use.

Wow, that's big. So what can you do to support them during this time? Step back, stay on your own side of the street. Watch and see how they do, and work on YOU. You hope and pray for the best, you prepare for the worst. You decide what you want out of life, and what you can do to get there. You encourage without being pushy and controlling.

It's a waiting game, so you may as well be kind to you, and work on what you can control while you wait. Get a counselor who specializes in helping families deal with addiction. Go. Alone. Start unraveling all of these feelings and work through them.

Hugs.



I guess to me that's recovery.

NewRomanMan

What Hopeful4 said. =)

aliciagr

I saw this just after reading your post. I think its sort of helpful.

What is the True Meaning of Recovery?

Oh and I caught something in you post made me think of myself and my feelings. Some of what Im reading from you is about your feelings and the fact that you were ready to separate and said so in your marriage counseling session. you didnt, and things are moving along and its like he wasnt affected? and didnt have to deal with your feelings, as if they were suppressed or supposed to be all resolved now.

There was a time when I wanted my husband to feel negative feelings like I had experienced while he was using and particularly when he abused me. I didnt want to physically hurt him, no.. but I wanted him to feel like he was powerless to something bigger than him and to have him suffer. (At the time he was in court ordered treatment and hated it)

I guess what Im saying is, those were my emotions and my issues. I needed to work on my own feelings. I did that with therapy.
We also kept at family therapy and it helped us break through all these feelings and the walls.

Are you still going to marriage counseling? Doing any on your own?

thousandwords53

Thank you ALL for the replies.

The problem is:
I don't trust it (even though he has NEVER tried anything towards recovery in the past..I just can't let my guard down. )
I am so optimistic (that clouds my judgment for the future- I do not want to regret this in x amount of time)
I am/was angry and DONE ( I want him to really feel this, not just fear my actions, but to really feel them and for him to lie in the bed he made for a while. I am angry he gets to just flip a switch and his world is never affected...this is the big one)

But why do I feel the need to "punish" him (that's not the right word..but it works) I don't know how , and don't want to let myself enjoy this new found affection and positive attention...I hate that he controls the relationship basically. I am enjoying it, but I am also on guard and wanted some time to breathe...because I asked for it.

LexieCat

I'd be very, very surprised if he is the least bit serious about recovery. It looks to me like he is just going through the motions to placate you because he got nervous about your leaving.

Time will tell, but I wouldn't be taking anything he's doing right now to the bank if I were you. If he's just placating, he won't be able to keep this up for long.

thousandwords53

Thank you Lexie. Your input is inline with my counselor.
It makes me sad, but I am doing my very best to keep my eyes open and to be very aware of this.

I hate feeling this back and forth in my heart and mind.

You all are amazing I can't imagine where I would be at if I had never found this place and you guys.

Mango blast

Wow. Somehow I stumbled across this old thread ....randomly looking back onto the 55th page... and here are fabulous words describing healthy, real recovery. It's helpful in grounding me to what I'm actually seeing, in both my husband AND myself.

Thank you.

hearthealth

Nm