KL0911

Hi all,

I don’t know where to start but my husband and I have been married for almost 10 years and 3 years ago is when his drinking became a problem.

I just can’t stop myself from gaslighting MYSELF into thinking I am overreacting. My husband functions fine at work but most nights I can find empty mini boxes of wine in his car console/he falls asleep by 7 or 8pm (we have little kids I do all the bedtime stuff with)/etc.

I guess I am just now trying to accept that there is a problem. I try to think about if my friend told me their husband did this…I wouldn’t think it was normal.

He will randomly not drink for a week at a time and it gives me such hope but I can’t even enjoy it because I’m so paranoid trying to smell his breath/see if his eyes are glazed over/etc.

I don’t know if I should be happy for the good days and see it as a win?? Is it unfair to him that I am so devastated when he fails again and is drunk and passes out 7pm?

I haven’t bought alcohol in a long time, but is it wrong if we go out on a date for me to get a drink? It feels wrong but I also feel resentful that I can’t have one nice drink.

qtpi

I don’t think you are overreacting. It’s right in front of you. He doesn’t have to drink every day to have a problem with alcohol. He is choosing alcohol over you and the children when he drinks and passes out early. Go to alanon. It will be a support for you. There’s a book that helped me, The Myths and Realities of Alcoholism by Ketcham.

trailmix

hi KL. No, you aren't overreacting, your Husband has a problem with alcohol and that's a fact.

Alcoholism is progressive, what he drank 2 years ago isn't what he is probably drinking now and won't be the same a year from now.

That's assuming he is an alcoholic. His behaviour would point in that direction.

Anyway, there is no use in your trying to change yourself to work in with his problem with alcohol. Not mentioning it, not drinking at dinner, trying to feel good about him pausing his drinking for a few days. None of those things are you, right?

Alcohol abuse affects everyone around it.

You're right, it's not. The wine in the car. He may well be drinking during the day and drinking and driving. He could be well over the limit and you might not even realize. I hope he doesn't drive your kids anywhere. It would be a good idea for you to always do the driving for the family.

Have you discussed it with him at all? If so, what was his response?

ToughChoices

This is problematic drinking. It is not normal, and you know that. The discrepancy between what you want to believe and what you actually believe can drive you nuts. It’s made even worse if your husband tries to convince you that you are overreacting.

You are not overreacting. He is at the beginning (or maybe middle?) of a relationship with alcohol that, if continued, will worsen, deepen, and intensify.

You know this. That is why you are uneasy.

For me, it was like watching someone on a cliff’s edge. Dangling when I wanted them to just get down! I became obsessed with my alcoholic’s drinking/abstinence. His decisions started to rule my life, and I lived in anxiety and fear.

In my experience, people do recover. If he stops now, at the “passing out before the kids go to sleep” phase of his drinking, it will be an easier road back to LIFE. But. We cannot make other people stop. The impetus for recovery is often PAIN.

Talk to him, but do not doubt yourself. It is not safe or healthy to treat insomnia/stress/anxiety with alcohol. If you are convicted of the problem and unwavering that it is a problem, he will have less wiggle room to hurt you/your family.

As far as my own drinking during my husband’s active addiction, I definitely identify with your twinge of resentment. If I was not the one with the problem, why should I have to give up something enjoyable!?!? But perhaps, temporarily at least, it would be a small healthy sacrifice in the pursuit of a safe home? It is hard to argue for a sober house if you are drinking in it. And, from personal experience, the stress of living with someone else’s drinking problem can sometimes result in your very own unhealthy relationship with substances.

For me, boundaries looked like:
1.) If you bring alcohol into my home I will ask you to get rid of it or leave. If you will not, then I will go.
2.) I will not sit kindly with you while you are drinking. I will not drink with you. I will not act as if there is no problem with alcohol when I know there is a problem. I will excuse myself from the presence of your drinking.

That helped me feel saner in the face of insanity. Perhaps it will help you a touch.

Much love. Keep posting.

mattmathews

I was an enabler.
My spouse started drinking heavily after 15 years of marriage, and I'm sad to say that it was another 12 years before she got to the point where it was a choice between sobriety and death. During those years I coped as best as I could. Because alcoholism is a progressive disease, every time I thought I had adjusted to the situation I discovered that it could, and did, get worse. Yes, I got resentful. I took her drinking personally. I behaved in ways that were unkind, I was isolated. I regret some of my choices. I believe that I have made, and am making, amends. To quote Maya Angelou: "Now that I know better, I do better."
I firmly believe that we're all just doing the best we can with the tools that we have. Especially when it comes to alcoholism, most of us don't have great tools. Alcohol has been described as cunning, baffling and powerful. Left to our own devices, we're not smart enough or clever enough to fix what's broken on our own. Our reactions to an alcoholic spouse affect us and affect our thinking. While our peers may offer advice, few people actually understand what we facing.
I learned about Al-Anon when my spouse went into rehab and it was suggested that I attend a couple of meetings. For me I found it to be a gentle, healing program. I made a decision to stick with it and attend meetings for a year. It helped me so much to be embraced by a group of people to accepted me right where I was and who understood exactly what I was going through. I learned that although I couldn't change the alcoholic, I could change myself.
There is help available if you seek it. I think the biggest lesson for me was that I didn't have to do it alone.

I guess when I started this post I was thinking about that phrase "one nice drink." When my spouse found sobriety, I stopped drinking for the next 7 years. Now, when we go out she will often suggest that I get a drink and I do enjoy it. But I will say that there was so much more that I was missing in life during those years of heavy drinking. So much! You're allowed to have bigger dreams than "one nice drink"...you can live a better life, you deserve a better life! I hope you find the courage to seek it out.

toomanychances

Your husband functions at work now.... my husband functioned until he didn't. Finding wine in the car is nor normal. If he were pulled over for a speeding ticket and they saw that, they would probably test him for a DUI.

He is supposed to be your partner and the kid's father - all the kids stuff should not fall on you.

Your drinking a glass of wine that you enjoy should not impact your husband. You are not over-reacting. You can tell something bad is happening and you are about to see if before your eyes and you want to get in front of it and stop it.

You are not over-reacting. Someone told me the alcoholic loves alcohol more than anything - and right now your husband loves alcohol more than his kids (sorry to say it) because he is choosing it instead of having those bed time moments that are so special with them.