This is spot on. I heard an AA speaker describe it as being able to take the first deep breath. In the Big Book the Doctor describes it as "the sense of ease and comfort." That's some pretty powerful stuff.

I also want you to know that when that dam breaks, you don't have to drown also. There's help available.

Hugs!

I played this game with an alcoholic partner for 13 years, nothing actually changed until I kicked him out and even after our break up, he's been in and out of AA. The more we focus on them: snoop and count drinks, etc., we are not living our own life. I agree with the person who suggested outings, friendship and time away... it will get you used to loving yourself again and let him have his path, which you can't change by observing and confronting or being silently upset about.

I am telling you all of this so I will remember it for myself and keep applying it to my own relationship with my son who struggles with addiction.

When AH came home from work on Friday and says "we should celebrate", my heart just sank. Sure enough, something good happened at work and therefore we "had" to celebrate with margaritas. He was on a high. Anything gives him a reason to drink-a high, a low, the sun coming up, the stars are out at night. Y'all know what I'm talking about. There was an incident that night as well. Saturday night, he tried to get me to drink with him again. *sigh*

I've been thinking (oh no! LOL). There's going to be a boundary in place starting this weekend. Maybe seeing Wonder Woman gave me a little bit of woman strength!

I'm so frustrated so I'm going to vent here. 2 nights ago, my AH went golfing and that, of course, "requires" drinking. He tried to get me to drink with him after I got home from work (there was a glass of wine waiting for me on the counter). I proceeded in pouring out the glass of wine down the kitchen drain. I do like to have a glass of wine here & there. I'm trying to lose weight and alcohol is the easiest thing for me to cut out of my calories. Additionally, it feels like enabling him and I don't want to do that either. He knows how I feel about it but he continues to trying to get me to drink with him. So because I dumped it out, he got upset over it. I didn't do it in front of him, btw. He then proceeds to try to get me to engage him in an argument but I didn't take the bait. He did say something disturbing (& confusing) to me, which I ignored. I had thought about it all day yesterday. So last night, I wanted to know what he meant by saying what he said. The heated conversation began. I just feel like he completely blame shifted me. He says that I was passive aggressive because I didn't drink the glass of wine. HUH? I told him that I learned to never engage him when he's drinking. The conversation escalates and ends up being about more than what I even intended. Apparently, I'm boring to him. Of course I'm boring to him! He also said that he's never told me that he wasn't an alcoholic. WTF?! Seriously!? We've had many conversations about this! I guess now he DOES think he's an alcoholic but he CAN control it.

I feel like I'm going crazy! It's one way this week & another way next week. Per him-it's my fault, I'm boring, I'm angry, I'm passive aggressive now (it's a first for that one), I make him feel like **** for drinking, and I don't appreciate him. He asks me "Do you think that you're actively working on improving the marriage". So for me, that implies that he believes I'm not. Now I'm doubting myself. Am I really this person he says I am?!

Is there anything really new here, flower? Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes...

You're expecting logical, reasonable behavior from an addict.

You're taking his absurd comments to heart and allowing them to hurt you.

These are classic deflection tactics, as you seem to see on some level, but you are allowing them to get to you and cause you to question yourself.

Have you been to Al-Anon? Talked to a lawyer?

Nope, nothing new!

I think he really expects me to bow down at his feet & I should be so grateful to have him as a husband. Oh, and one of my favorites from last night. . . . . . I need to "let go" of the last decade of drunkenness and stop punishing him. :headbange:headbange:headbange

I think if you want to find peace, you might have to "let go" of something -- whether it is the relationship, your expectation that he will behave differently, or your resentment when he doesn't, that's up to you.

I'm expecting rationality from someone that isn't drunk. He's a smart guy, yet I can't wrap my head around why he doesn't see things the way that I see them. I do know that he's deflecting onto me. I truly do know that. And yes, I'm taking the comments personally & allowing them to hurt me. Yet, I KNOW that I shouldn't. It's so frustrating!

Yes, I've been to Al-anon. No, I haven't seen a lawyer. A lawyer to me means that I'm leaving and I'm not ready for that.

He might not be drunk in any given moment, but he is still an addict, and that distorts thinking and behavior as much as the actual substance.

I'm sorry you're in this position, flower. I know just how frustrating it is. A therapist really helped me move past a lot of things that had me stuck in recovery.

Seeing a lawyer doesn't "mean you're leaving"--it means you are exploring all of your options so you can make decisions based on facts, not vague fears and speculation. Knowledge is power. Information is ALWAYS helpful. There may be planning you can do right now that will protect you financially, in the event you decide in the future to take that step.

And the fact that he's not "drunk" at any given moment doesn't mean he is thinking rationally. I'm eight years sober, and it took almost a year for my thinking processes to work properly after I quit drinking. While he's in the throes of alcoholism, his primary drive is the drive to drink--and that means everything will go through that filter.

I second the therapy thing. One that has a lot of knowledge about addiction. And a book - Conquering Codependency and Shame. Both helped me pinpoint all that self doubt - separate how I really feel from what others say or feel about me. We take so much of what they say to heart that we forget how to listen to ourselves. Also - Alanon helped me a lot with detachment.

I also was "boring" because I didn't really drink anymore. I was angry, passive aggressive and controlling. And some of it was true.....a life with an alcoholic takes its toll, compounded on our existing issues. But - some of it was not true...and I had forgotten how to let someone think what they want....while I know my truth and let the rest go.

Hang in there - there are tools that can put a little safe bubble around you in the midst of that chaos, and crazy making. We've been there!!

And like Lexie said - a lawyer doesn't mean divorce, its just putting some information in your toolbox and in no way means you have to act.

I will just say this is progressing not only for him, but for you as well. It does come to a point that it makes you begin to feel like you are the crazy one. They practice gaslighting, they do all sorts of things to try to deflect and justify their drinking, even when they are sober.

It's a terrible way to live. I did it for YEARS.

FYI...I also talked to an attorney several years before I left. Then again right before. Just because you educate yourself does not mean you have to leave.

Hugs.

A lawyer to me means that I'm leaving and I'm not ready for that.

then you will keep living this nightmare, being blamed for everything. and as your AH grows angrier and his disease progresses, you could quite possibly be physically harmed.

the longer you "hear" him berate you, belittle you and blame you for everything, the easier it will become to BELIEVE him. and your self esteem and courage will diminish. you are a target - he needs someone to feel powerful over.

i advise you to reconsider making ONE into appointment to speak with an attorney just so you understand what would be involved with a divorce. knowledge is power. and Wonder Woman ain't no dummy.

A friend of my AHs reached out to me. He's concerned about the binge drinking. Apparently there was a confrontation (online game playing) this past weekend, and he wants to talk to him. He's asking me to talk to my AH so that they can mend things up.

This is the first that anyone has ever reached out to me about my AHs drinking. I'm surprised that it's taken this long, but I wished that more people cared like he does.

What does your husband's friend want you to talk to your husband about, flower?
If it is about his drinking, I think I would stay out of it and let the two of them talk.
In fact, while it is a comfort to know that someone else has noticed that your spouse drinks too much, I am not sure what your part in it is.
I see ablaming situation--spouse to you--in the making here.
Who needs that?

He just wants me to talk to him about reaching out to him. He wants to keep him as a friend and mend the fences. He sees me a bridge to this.

I posted this because I'm not quite sure how to word it and how much I want to be involved. I think he's going to be angry that this guy contacted me. And, I know that he's going to talk to him about the drinking because that's what fueling the arguments. But I've thought about the blaming as well which is why I'm hesitant.

It is their friendship, I say you leave it to the two of them.

Yep, his friend, his problem to deal with. You have no place in the middle of this, flower.

My story-My husband is an alcoholic andI'm co- dependent

ya want to start being a codie for hubbies friend?

tell the friend to get his big boy pants on.

Your AH's friend should man up and call your AH directly and leave you out of it. now, if he had been calling to see if YOU were ok, safe, secure, that would be one thing - but asking you to relay messages FOR him - uh NO. you are not anyone's errand girl or messenger service. these aren't two 8 year olds standing at opposite corners of the sandbox that need adult intervention and supervision. NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

I won't tell you what to do - although you can see there's some very strong feelings here.
I will say that if you are choosing to live a life with an alcoholic spouse then you will need to develop a lot of tools for yourself so that you can remain as healthy and happy as possible.

1) Develop a full and rich life outside of the home. You have no children, so no responsibility to be around on weekends.

2) You need to stop paying attention to his drinking - how much, how often, days of the week, what time it started, his level of drunkness etc..

3) Don't interfere. Don't question, don't guilt, don't manipulate. And don't for a minute think that an alcoholic will quit/start/change for you because they love you so much.

4) Choosing to live with an alcoholic is a lesson in acceptance. At some point if you choose to remain it will likely involve home healthcare as well. As you have chosen this path, learn what to do with your resentments. Alanon can be very helpful - it's not just an organization for people to learn how to walk out on a spouse. It's very much also for people who either choose to stay or have no choice (children of alcoholics for example). Use their tools to remember to stay in your lane and make your life about you.

Yeah, I'm with everyone else....its your hubs and his friends deal.

You are in a happy, safe, peaceful detached bubble!

Agree--let them work it out. Kids in HS use go-betweens, grownups do not.

Thanks everyone! I'll be taking the advice and staying out of it.

Sometimes, I feel like I get sucked into the crazy vortex and just need some voice of reason to yank me out.

We've all been in that vortex and are happy to be the voice of reason for others who find themselves there. It's much, much easier to be objective about someone else's situation than it is our own.

That's why we edit each other's writing in my job. :)

How?
 

I struggle with this so much. How does one stop? I feel just as sick as he is by incessantly counting and watching as if I have any control which I know I don't...

Ditto!
 

Your story could have been written by me there's so many similarities between our AH's. I feel the same way about weekends. Everyone else is excited to spend time with their spouses yet I'm hoping whatever we end up doing he doesn't drink too much or doesn't get too annoying because he's been drinking all day. I'm hoping he only has 12 beers instead of 20. This way of living isn't really living yet I can't seem to get off the ride. Nothing I suggest is a good idea unless alcohol is involved. But I'm like you in that I love spending time with him when he's sober. That's what keeps me there. Thanks for sharing and letting me know I'm not alone.

You're asking how to not monitor his drinking and Al-Anon is the place to start. Are you participating in the Al-Anon program? The more you share with us, the more it's clear that you need broad support and a soul-recovery program, such as Al-Anon offers.

You at least understand the concept that you have no control. Thing is, this behavior robs you of your life. It becomes your life. Only you can decide when you have spent enough time dedicated on a behavior that is doing nothing but making you feel like the crazy one.

Said from someone who has been there and done that....for years.