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Do I dare to ask?

Old 03-13-2017, 12:45 PM
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Do I dare to ask?

Good morning. I hope everyone is well. Just a general question that may have been covered.
My wife faced her addiction to alcohol in November of 2016 and I believe she has been clean up until recently. How do I address it if I think she has been drinking? Ask and just take here word even though the evidence(odor and behavior) contradict her answer? We had agreed that if she relapsed we would work through it but she is very prideful and does not do well with defeat.

Any help or advice would be appreciated.
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Old 03-13-2017, 01:02 PM
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Is she in a program, AA, or therapy?

Are you going to alanon?
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Old 03-13-2017, 01:07 PM
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You know what you know.

You can ask, she can lie, you're back at square one.

Decide what you want for your life, and go for it. I agree that this is about you and your choices, not her. (Al Anon)

What does, "We would work through it, " mean to you? Because you have 0% chance of convincing her not to drink...and lying comes with the territory. So you have to work on defining clearly what, "We would work through it, " looks like. What is your part in that? You can work all you want, that doesn't change her drinking.
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Old 03-13-2017, 01:12 PM
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This is a very tough one. I know personally for me when I had relapsed after 2 years I tried hiding it for so long. For me, my DOC was pills and meth so I didn't really have and odor that followed me. My boyfriend could tell there were changes in my personality and actions. Honestly for me I had to come to the point where I hit the once again bottom before I admitted and asked for help. I would suggest maybe letting her know that you are here for her if she needs to talk. Confronting an alcoholic/addict really does not work because we are selfish people that have deniability in the fore front. You would probably need to see if you need to remove yourself from the situation for you. Sometimes when we lose everything and go through enough pain then do we make a change. First and foremost take care of you.
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Old 03-14-2017, 09:31 AM
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Thanks for all the responses and input!
To answer a few of your questions:
No she is not currently going to AA. In the begining she went to 4-5 meetings and stopped saying she didnt like the group she was meeting with and never went back. She used to send me her "days sober tracker" but that wore off after awhile.
I have not been to Alanon yet but am looking for a meeting to go to asap as that seems to be a uniform comment I am hearing and you all know alot more than I.
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Old 03-14-2017, 10:39 AM
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jd - i thought i was losing it but i see you posed this same question a few days ago under Newcomers.

has anything changed since then?
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Old 03-14-2017, 11:09 AM
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jdl,
I'm so glad you are open to attending alanon meetings.
There is much you need to be informed about so that
you can stay healthy, happy, and sane.

If you try to deal with this situation without having the
knowledge about alcoholism and it's effects on family
and loved ones, you will be hurt.

There is a lot of great info on this forum, in the "stickies" at
the top and in the threads. They say try at least 6 alanon meetings
and different ones because they are all a little different. It will
feel like learning a new language - you may not "get it" the first
few meetings. But don't give up, there is gold to be found in the
meetings to help you, but you may sometimes feel like you are
panning for it.

Keep posting
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Old 03-14-2017, 11:19 AM
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jdl....that she would relapse was quite predictable, given her attitude about go ing to meetings. A person who really wants to get sober will do anything that it takes to get sober .
I suggest that you go to the "stickies" at the top of this forum.....Select "Classic Reading"....and read the article titled: "10 Ways to know if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap".....that is a pretty good yardstick with which to know whether they are ready for recovery or not.....

Regarding your question.....If it were me, I would say so something like this----"I see that you have returned to drinking"....I she denies it, which she probably will---I would say "That was not a question, it was a statement".."I know what I know, so this is not up for debate"......
Then, it gives the opportunity for you both to put the cards out on the table (or at least, you)...so that you can discuss what this means in terms of your marriage....

As you will learn, as you read "Classic Readings" and continue to study...you will come t understand that alcoholism is something that a person has to do for themselves...and that, outside of not enabling them....it is up to them....
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Old 03-14-2017, 11:31 AM
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I dare say she has slipped into the mind set of thinking she can control it.

I agree, go to Alanon. That's a great step. More will be revealed.
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Old 03-14-2017, 11:31 AM
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Originally Posted by jdl1166 View Post
Good morning. I hope everyone is well. Just a general question that may have been covered.
My wife faced her addiction to alcohol in November of 2016 and I believe she has been clean up until recently. How do I address it if I think she has been drinking? Ask and just take here word even though the evidence(odor and behavior) contradict her answer? We had agreed that if she relapsed we would work through it but she is very prideful and does not do well with defeat.

Any help or advice would be appreciated.
This is a hard one. In my therapy sessions we talked about this topic so I will share what I learned. First, relapse especially in the beginning is common. But it doesnt always balloon into a full relapse but sometimes its a slip... and a person picks up and bounces back and learns from the experience. Or it can also be a sign that whatever type of plan they have to help them needs tuning up a bit.

I was told that what works best is to try and foster a relationship with my husband where he will feel comfortable talking to me. This is not easy because as you said, people are ashamed and feel guilt and a lot of emotions if they slip up, or if they cant quit and fully relapse then the brain begins to take them off into protection mode and they can sink back into habits of hiding, and lying.

Do you have kids that she drives in the car, or were there ever abuse issues when she drinks? If so, these are more critical reasons to find out if she has began drinking again, but otherwise - if you think she has cleaned herself up then I would let it go for now. I would focus on the agreement you have to work through challenges together and maybe share a challenge of your own with her. (not about her) and try to work on the way you dialogue, and open up to one another.

My husband is also in a new recovery category I guess. I get scared at times, and am filled with a lot of emotions. I know its REALLY hard to be in your shoes right now and be confronted with these kinds of issues.
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