TheGFsince2014

I'm currently engaged to a recovering alcoholic. He's been on off again, to just beer, to no control, to now finally sober, during the 3 years I've been with him. It's been around 45 days that he is sober. He is an amazing person, and I am so proud of his progress. I really think this is finally the time that he will stay sober. The problem I'm having is his sex drive. It's devastating that it only seems like he wants me when he's drinking. This has been an on/off thing with our relationship too. I've learned that it has to do with his drinking through the the years, but that fact that he needs to be drunk to have sex is very disheartening and hurtful. I'm trying to be patient, by this has NEVER been an issue in ANY relationship I've ever had. I know he is dealing with his demons and some of the posts from the other side of this side have helped me, but how long will this last? We have put on about 20 pounds since our relationship began(that normally indicates comfort in the relationship), and I have been known to have dips into very dark eating disorders when I was younger. The urge to avoid eating has started up again. I need to be able to fight off my demons of feeling unattractive while helping him fight of his that cause him to drink. How long can this phase of no sex last? A time frame would seriously help me. He says it's not me, that he's done literally everything in his life with alcohol and it's trying til figure out a way to do everything without it.

SparkleKitty

One of the more difficult aspects for loved ones of those with addiction issues is learning not to take the addiction and the consequences of that addiction personally.

He is learning to walk for the first time without the crutch of alcohol. Read that last sentence of yours again. He's trying to figure out a way to do EVERYTHING in his life without alcohol for the first time.

That's not an undertaking I can even wrap my head around. I imagine it is going to take a LOT longer than just 45 days.

In the meantime, try to take your focus off of him and his fight and focus on your own. Eating disorders are no joke, and they require a great deal of self-care and self-love to overcome. The more you can dissociate his recovery issues from yourself and your relationship, the better equipped you will be to deal with your own stuff. Especially since it doesn't actually have anything to do with you.

Forward12

Recovery takes a long time, it is like trying to re-learn how to live. He likely has connected sex and being drunk as things that always went together, now he's trying to figure out how to handle this, and likely everything else in his life.
There is no real timeframe to say, usually around a year sober is when most have solid footing.

NYCDoglvr

An alcoholic must learn to live life comfortably in his own head ... it's a solitary experience, not a shared one. I agree, it takes a good year to feel on solid footing. But no one can predict outcomes, either.

TheGFsince2014

Yes this is most likely true since his drinking (even heavy drinking) started early in high school. His parents allowed it (I sometimes have a hard time with his mom Bc of this). His house was the house parties were held at, and it was apparently a free for all. So I'd say the first drink most likely coinsided with losing his virginity, and every sexual encounter since. We are in our 30s so this could take a while. I've just never had this issue, if anything it's been the opposite and that's why it seems personal even though I KNOW it's not. Thanks for the input.

Maudcat

Welcome to SR, GF. Sex and recovery is a frequent subject here. In reading around, something that gets touched on a lot is that the recovering A's metabolism and physical system is all over the place in early recovery.
It takes time for one's body to realign to normal after a long time of drinking or drugging. This includes libido. Some people have stated that their sexual desire is just gone; others say the desire is there but the body won't cooperate.
Give it some time. 45 days sober is wonderful, but still considered early recovery.

TheGFsince2014

Thanks,
I'm learning more everyday. It's just hard to go from someone not being able to get enough to nothing. I hope I don't sound selfish. I think part of me knows that being able to be intimate will indicate that he is reaching a higher level of recovery, so that day can't happen fast enough.

Maudcat

It isn't personal. Staying sober and working a recovery plan sometimes takes everything we have. Hang in there. Time will tell.

LifeRecovery

GF-

How is your recovery going for you?

As someone who has been working on my own eating disorder recovery for a long time when I met, loved and married a problem drinker I am curious.

My loved one's drinking helped pave a path to unresolved root eating stuff for me. In retrospect it was about topics I was uncomfortable with that this would start......stuff I would get confused over......stuff that I could not figure out if it was his or mine. Stuff I did not necessarily feel I could bring up with him etc.

This topic sounds like it is trigger food behaviors in you. What support do you have for YOU right now?

AnvilheadII

sober sex is often awkward, uncomfortable and anything but arousing for the recovering person. where before booze or drugs sort of guided the whole thing, now Lance Romance realizes he doesn't really HAVE any moves and feels very exposed, like having sex on a stage in front of 500 people.

addicts also very often connect sex and using. using and sex. and, excuse the pun, it's hard to separate the two. one thought leads to the next.

you say THIS TIME he has 45 days. that's still very early going. you know what a snow globe looks like right after you shake it...? that what your BF's insides look like about now. give the snow some more time to settle and things will start to clear up!

Mlo1125

I feel like I could have written this myself. I understand just what you mean. When my ah firstrnt got sober, I had no idea what it would do to the sex drive and even sequel function. When I went to visit him in rehab and had a weekend pass, I expected passion and well, you know, after 3 months apart. Especially since he was hypersexual before. Nope. Wet noodle. No drive whatsoever and because he was embarrassed and concerned, no affection either. I was so worried. Every insecurity ran through my mind. But, once he got out, we moved, started life somewhere new and he became more emotionally stable and with the stability of his moods and ind, sex drive became stable and back to normal as well... I'd say he was about 4 mos sober and 1 out of rehab before there was a noticable change for the better

TheGFsince2014

To be honest I haven't dealt with my issues since the teenage years, and I don't talk to anyone. So this could get ugly for me if I don't. Problem is working and being in nursing school leaves me no time. I just have to keep telling myself "it's not me" but it's not helping much.

TheGFsince2014

This is probably my most helpful reply so far (for me). Thanks for the encouragement.

LifeRecovery

Ahh I work in healthcare and know the challenges well.

One of the hardest things for healthcare providers to do is self-care. Often care of others comes so easily for many of us.

Are there any behaviors that you can do (it does not have to be therapy) that you can commit to. For example for awhile that was getting a regular Pedicure for me. It was for me (and my grandmother), and had the benefit of helping me feel special and cherished........

steve11694

a fairly well accepted period of time for clearing thoughts is 90 days. often the a in recovery can begin to think more normally at 90 days.