Anyone ever reconcile after leaving?
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Anyone ever reconcile after leaving?
Sorry for all of the posts. I'm just struggling with every step of this and feel so isolated. You guys have been truly helpful for me.
My AH is the intermittent drinker. He will go months sober and then drink bad. Like slam hard liquor at 9am and drive around and offer to pick up the kids from school kind of drink. The intrmittent nature of his drinking has made everything so hard. It's hard to make the decision to move out and it's put me in an extra isolated situation because literally no one knows the extent of his issues except me. So everyone thinks I am overreacting. Anyways....
Well, I told my AH last night that I had applied for an apartment (I actually haven't yet, but I toured on Friday and have all of the paperwork.....I just didn't want him to think he should try to change my mind). My plan was to sign a 7 mo lease and give it that long to see how things go without pursuing divorce. We have two young kids so it's not like I can ever not talk to him. I guess I mostly want to see if he takes any action (counseling, meetings, anything). Right now he is on Antabuse, "using the tools he has already learned", and occasional meetings. This is consuming my life, and I want to see it start ranking higher in his. And selfishly, I kind of want to trial the single life. Am I truly happier without him and his issues? Or is it a situation in which I am not appreciating what I have until it's gone kind of thing.
He thinks I am signing our marriage up for a death sentence. "How are things between us going to get better if you aren't here? How will you know if my drinking is better if you aren't here?". I don't know the answer to that question.
Also, he is criticizing me "throwing money out the window". Since obviously two households are more money to sustain than one. This is something that I am already not happy about so this alone makes me start questioning things.
Anyways, just looking for others experiences. Any chance this will work out? Is this worth it?
As I type this I'm watching my husband out the window playing with the kids. This kills me...:
My AH is the intermittent drinker. He will go months sober and then drink bad. Like slam hard liquor at 9am and drive around and offer to pick up the kids from school kind of drink. The intrmittent nature of his drinking has made everything so hard. It's hard to make the decision to move out and it's put me in an extra isolated situation because literally no one knows the extent of his issues except me. So everyone thinks I am overreacting. Anyways....
Well, I told my AH last night that I had applied for an apartment (I actually haven't yet, but I toured on Friday and have all of the paperwork.....I just didn't want him to think he should try to change my mind). My plan was to sign a 7 mo lease and give it that long to see how things go without pursuing divorce. We have two young kids so it's not like I can ever not talk to him. I guess I mostly want to see if he takes any action (counseling, meetings, anything). Right now he is on Antabuse, "using the tools he has already learned", and occasional meetings. This is consuming my life, and I want to see it start ranking higher in his. And selfishly, I kind of want to trial the single life. Am I truly happier without him and his issues? Or is it a situation in which I am not appreciating what I have until it's gone kind of thing.
He thinks I am signing our marriage up for a death sentence. "How are things between us going to get better if you aren't here? How will you know if my drinking is better if you aren't here?". I don't know the answer to that question.
Also, he is criticizing me "throwing money out the window". Since obviously two households are more money to sustain than one. This is something that I am already not happy about so this alone makes me start questioning things.
Anyways, just looking for others experiences. Any chance this will work out? Is this worth it?
As I type this I'm watching my husband out the window playing with the kids. This kills me...:
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I mostly know people who have "reconciled" (AKA the partner allows the alcoholic to return based on some surface-level improvements and a lot of promises, together with having to adjust to living apart) way too soon. It generally does not go well.
I took a three-month "break" from my first husband before we got married, and he actually DID get sober during that time and has stayed that way for 37 years. But it just as easily could have gone the other way.
I don't think your husband sees that he really has a problem, other than drinking too much on occasion. So I'd be very surprised if he suddenly started taking this seriously. I'd expect him to blame you for being "overly sensitive" and "breaking up the family for no reason." I'd be prepared for that if I were you. Guilting and manipulation can be very effective in wearing down the partner to the point where s/he takes the alcoholic back--too soon.
I took a three-month "break" from my first husband before we got married, and he actually DID get sober during that time and has stayed that way for 37 years. But it just as easily could have gone the other way.
I don't think your husband sees that he really has a problem, other than drinking too much on occasion. So I'd be very surprised if he suddenly started taking this seriously. I'd expect him to blame you for being "overly sensitive" and "breaking up the family for no reason." I'd be prepared for that if I were you. Guilting and manipulation can be very effective in wearing down the partner to the point where s/he takes the alcoholic back--too soon.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I mostly know people who have "reconciled" (AKA the partner allows the alcoholic to return based on some surface-level improvements and a lot of promises, together with having to adjust to living apart) way too soon. It generally does not go well.
I took a three-month "break" from my first husband before we got married, and he actually DID get sober during that time and has stayed that way for 37 years. But it just as easily could have gone the other way.
I don't think your husband sees that he really has a problem, other than drinking too much on occasion. So I'd be very surprised if he suddenly started taking this seriously. I'd expect him to blame you for being "overly sensitive" and "breaking up the family for no reason." I'd be prepared for that if I were you. Guilting and manipulation can be very effective in wearing down the partner to the point where s/he takes the alcoholic back--too soon.
I took a three-month "break" from my first husband before we got married, and he actually DID get sober during that time and has stayed that way for 37 years. But it just as easily could have gone the other way.
I don't think your husband sees that he really has a problem, other than drinking too much on occasion. So I'd be very surprised if he suddenly started taking this seriously. I'd expect him to blame you for being "overly sensitive" and "breaking up the family for no reason." I'd be prepared for that if I were you. Guilting and manipulation can be very effective in wearing down the partner to the point where s/he takes the alcoholic back--too soon.
Probably doesn't change your points, just figured I should clarify our situation.
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Well, if he can't or won't control it, who can?
I know of many people who split up and get back together, sometimes repeatedly. I did some of that in my younger days, but no more. Now I state my case and move on. The crazy-making of splitting up and going back only to have to deal with the same old same old? I learned my lesson on that.
I'm sure there are people who get back together and stay. You're asking for guarantees that no one gets in life.
I know of many people who split up and get back together, sometimes repeatedly. I did some of that in my younger days, but no more. Now I state my case and move on. The crazy-making of splitting up and going back only to have to deal with the same old same old? I learned my lesson on that.
I'm sure there are people who get back together and stay. You're asking for guarantees that no one gets in life.
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batchel.....it sounds like he is trying to imply that the "issues" are the result of some (purely) marital misunderstandings...and not the understanding of the impact of his alcoholism. on the marriage and the relationship......
One big read flag, that I notice, is this---when he says "if my drinking is better".....This sounds l ike he may feel like the goal is that he cut down on drinking...which indicates that he does not grasp the fact than an alcoholic cannot drink again, ever. Alcoholism is not cured or "overcome"...but, can be kept in remission by working the principles of a program for the rest of their lives. It requires deep changes in thinking, feelings, attitude and actions by abstainence while working the steps of a program...for the rest of their lives....
This takes a lot of time and vigorous attention.....
Yes, of course, finances are a consideration for all of us...but, it is not the only factor in our happiness....
It looks obvious, to me, that he is happy with the status quo (minus your chirping at him, of course)....and, you less so....It may have been serving his ability to drink, up until now....And, he is urging you to put his desires before yours (which is natural and human, I suppose). But, the sticky wicket, here, is this----your happiness and welfare of yourself and your children is just as important as his..And, it is your responsibility to attend to your own welfare...because, nobody else is going to do it....You, alone, are the only one who can make your own boundaries....
When we make boundaries to protect ourselves and our own rights and happiness, it will often bring us into conflict with others....especially, if it impinges on what they want , in some way......but, the responsibility to protect ourselves has to come first....else we will be squelched by the rest of the world....
One big read flag, that I notice, is this---when he says "if my drinking is better".....This sounds l ike he may feel like the goal is that he cut down on drinking...which indicates that he does not grasp the fact than an alcoholic cannot drink again, ever. Alcoholism is not cured or "overcome"...but, can be kept in remission by working the principles of a program for the rest of their lives. It requires deep changes in thinking, feelings, attitude and actions by abstainence while working the steps of a program...for the rest of their lives....
This takes a lot of time and vigorous attention.....
Yes, of course, finances are a consideration for all of us...but, it is not the only factor in our happiness....
It looks obvious, to me, that he is happy with the status quo (minus your chirping at him, of course)....and, you less so....It may have been serving his ability to drink, up until now....And, he is urging you to put his desires before yours (which is natural and human, I suppose). But, the sticky wicket, here, is this----your happiness and welfare of yourself and your children is just as important as his..And, it is your responsibility to attend to your own welfare...because, nobody else is going to do it....You, alone, are the only one who can make your own boundaries....
When we make boundaries to protect ourselves and our own rights and happiness, it will often bring us into conflict with others....especially, if it impinges on what they want , in some way......but, the responsibility to protect ourselves has to come first....else we will be squelched by the rest of the world....
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Married. Divorced. Got back together. Split up....Back together. Finally done. I did it...never works. Once you realize that you can live in peace. Sometimes..you have to go thru it to understand it.
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It sounds like he's just trying to get away with as much drinking as you're allowing him to. Moving out is a great step, but don't get your hopes up that this is going make a difference in his drinking. If anything he'll look at it as a good thing that now he can drink all he wants without issue.
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I truly believe that he doesn't want drinking in his life. I mean, he is taking Antabuse by choice to keep him from it currently. I just think that he is underestimating what he needs to do for continued success and hasn't woken up to smell the coffee to realize that.
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When I was struggling with divorcing XAH, my brother, who'd already been through a divorce (not alcohol-related), said "sis, you should just file already. If you both change your minds before it goes through, you can just stop the proceedings. If you both change your minds after it goes through, well, you can remarry."
Put like that, it sounded so much clearer.
Another thing that resonated w/me was this from Forward:
Honestly, I don't think XAH would move back in, even if he had the chance, just b/c his life is so much simpler now. He doesn't have to figure out ways to hide how much money is being spent on booze and smokes. He doesn't need to limit his drinking so as to appear sober when he comes downstairs from his airplane modeling studio to have dinner. He doesn't have to spend time and energy grocery shopping or doing dishes (I mainly cooked) b/c he is content to live on take-out Chinese and pizza. From the point of view of an active A, there is really no plus side to living with me!
I'm wondering if the shoe may be on the other foot once your A is on his own for a while...right now, he may see himself, rightly or wrongly, as "losing", in that you're the one moving out, you're the one making decisions, you're the one in control. He may find he LIKES the freedom!
And you know what? You might find the same thing....
ETA: You say he is taking Antabuse to keep him from it currently. Key word, currently. HE gets to choose when he drinks. I don't think he's "helpless" at all. "Powerless", yes, but not helpless at all. I doubt very much that he fails to understand the need to use his recovery tools every single day w/o fail. I think he knows exactly what he is doing. And I don't think he's going to "wake up and smell the coffee" about the damage b/c this is also his way of proving that he's "not that bad." Look, Ma, I can go for weeks/months w/o a drink--how could I possibly be an alcoholic? I'm fine, it's you who's got a problem!
Put like that, it sounded so much clearer.
Another thing that resonated w/me was this from Forward:
If anything he'll look at it as a good thing that now he can drink all he wants without issue.
I'm wondering if the shoe may be on the other foot once your A is on his own for a while...right now, he may see himself, rightly or wrongly, as "losing", in that you're the one moving out, you're the one making decisions, you're the one in control. He may find he LIKES the freedom!
And you know what? You might find the same thing....
ETA: You say he is taking Antabuse to keep him from it currently. Key word, currently. HE gets to choose when he drinks. I don't think he's "helpless" at all. "Powerless", yes, but not helpless at all. I doubt very much that he fails to understand the need to use his recovery tools every single day w/o fail. I think he knows exactly what he is doing. And I don't think he's going to "wake up and smell the coffee" about the damage b/c this is also his way of proving that he's "not that bad." Look, Ma, I can go for weeks/months w/o a drink--how could I possibly be an alcoholic? I'm fine, it's you who's got a problem!
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Originally Posted by honeypig
When I was struggling with divorcing XAH, my brother, who'd already been through a divorce (not alcohol-related), said "sis, you should just file already. If you both change your minds before it goes through, you can just stop the proceedings. If you both change your minds after it goes through, well, you can remarry."
Put like that, it sounded so much clearer.
Another thing that resonated w/me was this from Forward:
Honestly, I don't think XAH would move back in, even if he had the chance, just b/c his life is so much simpler now. He doesn't have to figure out ways to hide how much money is being spent on booze and smokes. He doesn't need to limit his drinking so as to appear sober when he comes downstairs from his airplane modeling studio to have dinner. He doesn't have to spend time and energy grocery shopping or doing dishes (I mainly cooked) b/c he is content to live on take-out Chinese and pizza. From the point of view of an active A, there is really no plus side to living with me!
I'm wondering if the shoe may be on the other foot once your A is on his own for a while...right now, he may see himself, rightly or wrongly, as "losing", in that you're the one moving out, you're the one making decisions, you're the one in control. He may find he LIKES the freedom!
And you know what? You might find the same thing....
ETA: You say he is taking Antabuse to keep him from it currently. Key word, currently. HE gets to choose when he drinks. I don't think he's "helpless" at all. "Powerless", yes, but not helpless at all. I doubt very much that he fails to understand the need to use his recovery tools every single day w/o fail. I think he knows exactly what he is doing. And I don't think he's going to "wake up and smell the coffee" about the damage b/c this is also his way of proving that he's "not that bad." Look, Ma, I can go for weeks/months w/o a drink--how could I possibly be an alcoholic? I'm fine, it's you who's got a problem!
Put like that, it sounded so much clearer.
Another thing that resonated w/me was this from Forward:
Honestly, I don't think XAH would move back in, even if he had the chance, just b/c his life is so much simpler now. He doesn't have to figure out ways to hide how much money is being spent on booze and smokes. He doesn't need to limit his drinking so as to appear sober when he comes downstairs from his airplane modeling studio to have dinner. He doesn't have to spend time and energy grocery shopping or doing dishes (I mainly cooked) b/c he is content to live on take-out Chinese and pizza. From the point of view of an active A, there is really no plus side to living with me!
I'm wondering if the shoe may be on the other foot once your A is on his own for a while...right now, he may see himself, rightly or wrongly, as "losing", in that you're the one moving out, you're the one making decisions, you're the one in control. He may find he LIKES the freedom!
And you know what? You might find the same thing....
ETA: You say he is taking Antabuse to keep him from it currently. Key word, currently. HE gets to choose when he drinks. I don't think he's "helpless" at all. "Powerless", yes, but not helpless at all. I doubt very much that he fails to understand the need to use his recovery tools every single day w/o fail. I think he knows exactly what he is doing. And I don't think he's going to "wake up and smell the coffee" about the damage b/c this is also his way of proving that he's "not that bad." Look, Ma, I can go for weeks/months w/o a drink--how could I possibly be an alcoholic? I'm fine, it's you who's got a problem!
I just feel like I am teetering right now and I need it to tip one way or another. If I leave and he shows significant effort, can demonstrate sobriety without me present (which he will have to figure out how to do), and makes lifestyle changes to show he is trying to change for the better than we may have something. If he does nothing or gets worse or decides he doesn't want me either, well that is tipping the other way and sucks but at least I'll know.
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I left but was not ready to file for divorce. After 5 months, his drinking, emotional abuse, and manipulation got so bad I felt that I had no choice but to file.
It was not an easy decision. I finally have peace in my life now that I am not trying to manage an alcoholic on a daily basis.
It was not an easy decision. I finally have peace in my life now that I am not trying to manage an alcoholic on a daily basis.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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My AH moved out 4 months ago. I thought his drinking stopped with a couple slips. In fact, I posted on here how great he was doing. Boy was I wrong.
I went to the courthouse to get the papers I need to file for a legal separation, however, I may just get a lawyer and file for divorce & be done with it already.
Dont get me wrong, we get along great when I see him & he's sober. But he was here yesterday drunk. Very drunk. I had to ask him to leave. I told him he couldn't come back to the house any longer. He stops by to see the pets& kids.
Anyway, if I were you I would go ahead with the apartment. Research what your financial rights are while you are separated. Don't wait until the drinking gets even more out of control.
I went to the courthouse to get the papers I need to file for a legal separation, however, I may just get a lawyer and file for divorce & be done with it already.
Dont get me wrong, we get along great when I see him & he's sober. But he was here yesterday drunk. Very drunk. I had to ask him to leave. I told him he couldn't come back to the house any longer. He stops by to see the pets& kids.
Anyway, if I were you I would go ahead with the apartment. Research what your financial rights are while you are separated. Don't wait until the drinking gets even more out of control.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Anyway, if I were you I would go ahead with the apartment. Research what your financial rights are while you are separated. Don't wait until the drinking gets even more out of control.
You certainly want to make sure he's not running up huge bills in your absence, and you don't want to be on the hook for legal costs if he should get a DUI.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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One of the most resonant tenets of recovery, for me, is taking things One Day at a Time.
We want to future trip, to invest in the illusion that every decision we make today will have specific consequences, predictable cause-and-effect results, but consider that you are right in the middle of an unhappy situation. You require time and distance to really figure out what you want and are willing to accept from him, from yourself, or from any potential life partner.
There is no model for desired outcomes, no formula. The best we can ever do is the Next Right Thing, and let go of what we hope or fear will happen next.
We want to future trip, to invest in the illusion that every decision we make today will have specific consequences, predictable cause-and-effect results, but consider that you are right in the middle of an unhappy situation. You require time and distance to really figure out what you want and are willing to accept from him, from yourself, or from any potential life partner.
There is no model for desired outcomes, no formula. The best we can ever do is the Next Right Thing, and let go of what we hope or fear will happen next.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
I replied on your other thread with a small portion of my story. I sometimes hesitate to post because I think my situation is more of an exception. My marriage is better now than ever after 15 LONG painful years. I think if I had not reached the point of being ready to walk away, it would have continued.
Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Originally Posted by Jaeger
I'll tell you a little bit of my story. My AH was an angry drunk. Never really physical but verbal. I left my AH a couple of different times. Once for about a week, another time for a couple of months. Things progressively got worse, as most cases do. Things came to a head one day (very, very bad) and myself along with my kids had to leave the house for our safety. I just couldn't do it another day.
He moved out and got a place of his own so we could return to the house. I had no contact with him for quite a while. Unbeknownst to me, he started AA. He attended meetings every single day. We started talking again and did eventually reconcile but we continued to live apart for several months. He knew that he needed to concentrate on his recovery and nothing else. I also needed to work on mine.
I say all this because I want you to see that just because you move out doesn't mean it is over. I will say, I was entirely ready to call it quits. If your husband truly works on recovery, you have the rest of your life to be together. If he doesn't understand that you and the kids are hurt by his actions, do you really want to be with him?
He moved out and got a place of his own so we could return to the house. I had no contact with him for quite a while. Unbeknownst to me, he started AA. He attended meetings every single day. We started talking again and did eventually reconcile but we continued to live apart for several months. He knew that he needed to concentrate on his recovery and nothing else. I also needed to work on mine.
I say all this because I want you to see that just because you move out doesn't mean it is over. I will say, I was entirely ready to call it quits. If your husband truly works on recovery, you have the rest of your life to be together. If he doesn't understand that you and the kids are hurt by his actions, do you really want to be with him?
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Batchel, I don't know what it is about alcohol-dependent poeple, but they seem to hate like anything losing the enabler in their lives.
Though they don't feel able to do the one big thing that would keep the loved one around: stop drinking completely.
I see that, from your description, your husband struggles with his addiction. And in some ways, one could say that he has made progress, drinking only occasionally, but in a big, big way.
But it isn't enough. It still consumes him. You and the kids are second.
Not supposed to be that way. Not even.
Please, if you haven't, stop basing his recovery on whether you are there.
It has nothing to do with you. His recovery is his alone. You can't help it along. You can't ratchet it up. It's really up to him.
And it doesnt sound like he is ready to stop completely.
Save yourself and your kids. Give him space and time, and, incidentally, do the same for yourself. Peace.
Though they don't feel able to do the one big thing that would keep the loved one around: stop drinking completely.
I see that, from your description, your husband struggles with his addiction. And in some ways, one could say that he has made progress, drinking only occasionally, but in a big, big way.
But it isn't enough. It still consumes him. You and the kids are second.
Not supposed to be that way. Not even.
Please, if you haven't, stop basing his recovery on whether you are there.
It has nothing to do with you. His recovery is his alone. You can't help it along. You can't ratchet it up. It's really up to him.
And it doesnt sound like he is ready to stop completely.
Save yourself and your kids. Give him space and time, and, incidentally, do the same for yourself. Peace.
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I've been going to AA meetings for 25 years and never heard another alcoholic say they stopped drinking because a relationship/marriage was failing. Like alcoholics codependents are steeped in denial and rationalization. And, this is a progressive disease, so it will get worse. But it's your choice if that's what you're willing to settle for.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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There is a saying on SR.......
If you leave and he gets sober, good for you..
If you leave and he doesn't get sober, good for you.
When I was in the thick of things with my now axh, my therapist told me that separation is nothing. You live a part, and then what? So, I filed for divorce after 34 years together and moved on in my life. It was the best decision that I had made in 34 years. I am currently NC with him, family is not to happy about it, but I needed it.
About reconnecting after separation/divorce. My sister inlaws parents divorced, her dad was an alcoholic. Mom finally divorced him after 30 years of marriage, and he finally woke up. He got very involved in AA and after a couple years apart, they remarried in the church. He never touched alcohol again.
Batchel, I think you need to start thinking about you and your kids. He has controlled your life for a very long time. You will never move forward, waiting for the next 7 months to see if he gets his shxt together, and how would you truly know, by him telling you? Divorce takes a long time to happen, longer then 7 months. Waiting 7 months and then filing in 7 months, again its another year and half that has consumed you. Move forward for you and your kids, and give him to God to watch over. Another saying on SR
God didn't need me after all, he can take care of each and every addict that reaches out for his help.
If you leave and he gets sober, good for you..
If you leave and he doesn't get sober, good for you.
When I was in the thick of things with my now axh, my therapist told me that separation is nothing. You live a part, and then what? So, I filed for divorce after 34 years together and moved on in my life. It was the best decision that I had made in 34 years. I am currently NC with him, family is not to happy about it, but I needed it.
About reconnecting after separation/divorce. My sister inlaws parents divorced, her dad was an alcoholic. Mom finally divorced him after 30 years of marriage, and he finally woke up. He got very involved in AA and after a couple years apart, they remarried in the church. He never touched alcohol again.
Batchel, I think you need to start thinking about you and your kids. He has controlled your life for a very long time. You will never move forward, waiting for the next 7 months to see if he gets his shxt together, and how would you truly know, by him telling you? Divorce takes a long time to happen, longer then 7 months. Waiting 7 months and then filing in 7 months, again its another year and half that has consumed you. Move forward for you and your kids, and give him to God to watch over. Another saying on SR
God didn't need me after all, he can take care of each and every addict that reaches out for his help.
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