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Feeling Stuck

Old 03-10-2017, 09:25 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: SaiGon, Vietnam
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Feeling Stuck

My AH left suddenly some 4 months ago now. After the initial shock/devastation I seemed to get some energy to move y life forward. I got a solicitor...looked at my options...enjoyed the space and freedom - and now it seems to have plateau'd

My solicitor is dragging her heels - we are in different countries so I am reliant on email and txts to try and push things forward. She was initially ful of action but there seems to be little actual progress being made.

My AH stopped all contact with me in December and although I was good at no contact I kind of slipped into checking his mail/fbk/hearsay. I am trying hard again to not look but I have to stop myslef frequently. He is again in my waking thoughts and reams. I realise I have been waiting for him to do something...apologise maybe/beg to come back or alternatively have something horrible happen to hi to make him suffer some consquences. I feel such a mix of emotions for him.

Just this week I have realised that this obsession is blocking me. I am functioning ut my mood is low and sometimes I could easily cry or feel overwhelmed or I project my anxiety/anger onto a non-issue.

I have written to my solicitor giving my own ideas on what i want to happen next. My AH does not know I have cancelled his visa here in Vietnam and he is now running up a fine that accumulates daily Yikes! He is so sure I will continue to care for him - I always have before. I think while he still thinks I am supporting him/and fear of my cancelling may be a good time to try for an uncontested divorce. i have nothing to lose and my intentions will be made clear to him.
He always agreed our house in Turkey is mine and I will ask that he relinquish rights to it in return for my repayment of his debts (grr)

But I need to do something else for me.....I just do not know what that is....not easy to date again here in Vietnam....my job is ok...my younger daughter is fine so far. I am back in contact with my older daughter who I lost in partbecause of AH's behaviour
but I feel so flat...and stuck. There is no Alanaon here. The AA meetings are all closed meetings...what can I do to move on. What did all of you do?/are doing?
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Old 03-10-2017, 09:44 PM
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What do you like to do? Check out new restaurants? Try a new hobby?

For me, learning to mediate was huge. It helped me to find space within myself, so that I could observe the obsessions within my mind without being caught up in them. That might not make sense, but it starts to make sense with a good meditation teacher.

It sounds like you're frustrated with your solicitor, too. Perhaps creating a plan for how to move forward with the divorce, informing her of it, and then bugging her to stay on schedule will help you to feel like you're making progress, too.

If you're going to be leaving Vietnam relatively soon, what about making a list of all the things you would like to do and places you would like to visit before you leave, and then start checking items off your list?
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Old 03-11-2017, 04:30 AM
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M,
Sounds like everything you are doing is perfect. It took time for us to get In this mess, and it will take time to get out of it. Just keep following up with the lawyer, if she doesn't respond, you might have to follow up with another one.

I think I have seen online alanon meetings. I have not used them, but hopefully someone here will let you know where to find them.

Even though you feel you have plateau'd, you are not moving backwards. It's like a diet, you can not everyday drop a pound, it takes time. Embrace where you are right now. Work on mending your relationship with your kids. Remind them that they are your priority and you will never allow addiction back in your home. (They still might be scared that you will "forgive" him.) Our children should always come first, not our addicts.

Just because you feel you are not moving forward, doesn't mean that you arent. Staying put is good also. Hugs my friend and keep us updated on your progress.
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