notsobreezy

I am not sure why I am even posting. I think I just want to put it out there so I don't feel alone anymore. I am sorry if it rambles. I have no one else to talk to about this. I am sitting in front of the TV eating dinner alone. Again. My AH is in the basement having another party for one. Pretty much what happens every other day. He will eventually come up. I will most likely have done something to make him mad. Even though I haven't spoken to him since I told him dinner was ready a half an hour ago. I shouldn't be surprised about how the night will play out. I know what is coming. I think what keeps me guessing is how long it takes or how long it lasts before he passed out. I try to stay ahead of the game. Make predictions. I feel like a detective and a mathematician. I do complex problems involving the number of hours times how much beer he could have drunk, solve for mood. I count when he isn't looking or After he has gone to bed. I need to know what I was up against and what I might face tomorrow. I still have hope every day. Every dam day i wake up and hope he won't drink when he gets home. I walk up the hill from the bus my hope fading every step I get closer to home. I know the minute I walk in the door. I feel it in the air. In the short walk from the front door to the basement door I have to decide if I am going to let him know I am pissed. Again. Sometimes I think what if I just don't get angry this time? What if I just let it go. But I do get angry and make sure he knows. I can't help it. I told him awhile ago 'you should be happy I'm angry. It means I care " I feel that fading through. I am starting to not care and it is breaking my heart.

amy55

Hi, thank you for sharing your story. Believe me, your not alone anymore. There are many here who have gone through the same thing. Sometimes it's like a life line for people who are posting. We sometimes feel that we can't even talk to our friends or family for fear of what they may think of us, or for fear, that we wouldn't be believed.

You took a really big step tonight by posting here.

(((((((((((((many hugs)))))))))))
amy

Sotiredofitall

Not alone, and story is amazingly familiar. Big hugs.

Jaeger

Welcome notsobreezy! You are definitely not alone. I hope you keep reading and posting. So many of us here have been or still are right where you are. This is a great place!

amy55

Hey notsobreezy, can we talk?

How long are you married?

Do you have any children?

amy55

I just wanted to tell you something about me. I was on a verbal abuse forum. I felt like I wasn't moving fast enough for them, and I got embarrassed. I still went there, but didn't really post.

I remember this one time, I couldn't be in the house anymore because I was afraid for when he would come into my space. We had a living room (which he used), and a den (which I used). But he kept invading my space when he was drunk to verbally attack me.

I used to hide out in the garage, and also in my car many times. I also slept in my car many times. One night, I just had to reach out to someone because my sanity was fading. I called DV. Would you believe that those terrific people there talked to me for over an hour. It was so amazing. I needed to reach out, and someone was there for me. I hope this forum is something that you can count on to be there for you.

((((((((((((more hugs)))))))))))
amy

Bekindalways

Welcome Notsobreezy.

I am so very glad you found us. There is lots of support here.

Please tell us more about your situation. It does sound super painful and there is not one of us that hasn't hoped our love one would have a spontaneous healing from alcoholism.

Hevyn

We're so glad to have you here, notsobreezy. I'm sorry for the painful times you're going through. Everyone here understands - you're definitely not alone anymore.

notsobreezy

Married 8 years. Together 16.
No kids.

I guess I hope he won't drink or won't drink to get drunk.
I guess really I am in denial about how how far gone he really is. I keep thinking that maybe just maybe something will click and he will give it up.

Thank you to everyone who replied. I honestly was shocked at how fast you all did.

His family doesn't know how much he drinks. Or they could be ignoring it. I feel it is obvious but I am so used to it might not appear to anyone else that he has a problem. My family doesn't know. The funny thing is our closest friends think he quit drinking or cut back. He went to see a therapist a few months ago to help quit and told them. He won't drink around them. They ask and I lie. I feel embarrassed to tell them that the only thing he quit was quitting. I am used to covering up for him and painting a pretty picture. Which I know only makes the problem worse.

DesertEyes

I have removed posts that do not follow our rules.

Post only your personal experience with the original question of the thread. Giving advice, blaming the victim, preaching, interrogating the poster and giving directions or advice are not allowed.

If you have no personal experience to share then do not share.

Mike
Moderator, SR

PhoenixJ

NSB- nothing but empathy and compassion for you. I was that guy in the basement. My use of alcohol disconnected me from my family so much- when in a blackout a ciggie caused literally fatal burns- my (then) wife refused to be my next of kin and I was cut loose from her and my 2 adult sons. I do not blame them and leave alone (13 months sober- alone) them out of respect. I am doing well, BTW so feel okay in sharing.
It got to that point before I was cut off. Do not let this happen to you. Get some professional help- go to A-Anon. Share and post here. Stay safe. What your brain is logically telling you the outcome of all this is likely to conflict with the emotional stuff- love, disconnection, guilt, shame. Look after yourself first off. Any person addicted to ANYTHING- food, sex, alcohol, drugs, gambling ( have seen many, many in the last 18 moths in all of these catergories- often mixed together) has to take responsibility for their own behaviour. The addiction of choice in me took over- and to the detriment of everything else. The assumption of safety in drinking 'because my wife will always be there for me'. Well every family has a breaking point.
My support for you. I hope your partner sees the light. PJ

notsobreezy

Thank you PJ. Congrats on your 13 months of sobriety. Keep up the good work!

It is so hard to watch the person you love most slowing killing himself and feel helpless.

I truly appreciate everyone's kind words. I was really hesitate to join and post. I think I was afraid that by posting then it means it really is as bad as it is.

LexieCat

DEFINITELY not alone. Maybe once you feel a bit more at home here, you will check out Al-Anon, which is a fantastic group for family and friends of alcoholics. Being together in the same room with others who totally GET it can be very empowering.

Being angry all the time, or fearful about what your evening might bring, is a miserable way to live. Al-Anon can help you find ways to deal with those feelings to you can get a clear head and think through how you want your future to look. It's very hard to see other possibilities when we are carrying all these overwhelming feelings alone.

Welcome, glad you're here.

batchel9

I feel alone also! My husband only drinks about once a month at this point (right now he is on Antabuse so isn't at all) but it is like "slam vodka at 9am and then go driving" kind of drinking. It is so hot and cold that it is really hard for me to make decisions. Also most people don't even know that he has a problem!!!! Since he isn't drinking everyday people don't see it and they don't get it. Even my own parents who know him really well have the "is he really that bad?". Like they think I am exaggerating. It definitely has me feeling alone. This board has helped. Counseling too.

amy55

Would you believe that even after I was divorced, that my mom was still telling me, that my ex was her best son-in-law. That's how well I hid everything. My family was more apt to tell me that I needed help then that he needed help. This is while I had a scar under my eye from a cup that he threw at me.

We hear a lot of stuff here. We've been there, been through the battle, went through the denial phase, and then we reached out, and like wow, it hurt, we were actually talking about the reality of what we were, or are going through.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy ...... Here for you.....

PS...... first, feel safe here, then post what you need. I do understand how much it takes to first come out and to talk about things.

amy55

Can you tell me why you keep checking on how much he drinks, or how he might respond to something. It appears to me that you are walking on eggshells. Does he get aggressive, does he yell or scream a lot?

Or does he perhaps withdraw from you, like you don't even exist?

sauerkraut

Hi Notso,
I was there, too. Only for me it was dreading the moment he came up the stairs and started haranguing and accosting me, verbally and sexually, saying I was responsible for all of our problems.

Some things that helped:
Posting here, and reading about other people's experiences
Learning to meditate, so I could distance myself from his madness even when he was right there next to me
Starting to visualize the life I wanted, so I could begin taking baby steps toward it

Unlike you, we have kids, which made matters even more complicated.

But, like you, none of his friends and family thought he had a problem with alcohol. I told them, and I left him for that reason, yet they still don't believe it 15 months later. So I guess I would say you have to know what you know, and make decisions based on that knowledge rather than what other people think.

There is life on the other side. I promise.

maia1234

Nsb,
Welcome, and sorry you are here. I "hoped" for 34 years that my axh would stop drinking and getting stoned. I remember walking in the house and seeing his face, it would just suck the air out of me.

Take your time, read all over the forum. Education is power. They say In alanon not to make any decisions for at least 6 months. So take your time and make the best decision that you need to make for yourself,

Soberandhealthy

You are not alone. I'm with you .

itsmepoppy

You are not alone and it's almost frightening how much I can relate to what you wrote. Eating dinner alone, figuring out when he'll pass out, knowing what's going on as soon as you walk through the door, taking inventory. That's been my day to day and I'm so sorry you're experiencing it too. It's a hard way to live. You're not alone and you have support here.